Marital issues …need advice
Assalamualaikum, I want to start off by saying that I’m in a very difficult place and looking for any support I can get. I think what I need at this point is an outside perspective from you all. My heart isn’t agreeing to let this marriage go, but my in my mind I know it needs to eventually come to an end…..I’m hoping some outside input will help guide me , along with continuous prayer to Allah SWT to help me make the right choice.
I’m F 29 married 2.5 years to a man who is a hafiz. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs. My husband is a hafiz but he smokes weed continuously all day. He prays all his prayers, but smokes right before and after them. I myself am a “revert” of sorts who didn’t live an Islamic life, and I found my way back to the deen again a few years ago, let go of my haram lifestyle and wore hijab Alhamdulillah. I’m genuinely trying to do my best and get closer to Allah SWT. We had a semi arranged marriage, met through parents (sharing biodatas) and got along well when we spoke, and got married very quickly.
When we were getting ready to get married, he showed that he was ambitious and trying to have a good earning and would be hard working. His salary was less than half of mine (Alhamdulillah I make well over 6 figures) but I respected his character and him being a hafiz, so I overlooked the financial aspect. When we got married, he lost his job after a few months and was out of work for around 6 months. During that time I was managing the entire household (bills, food, rent, everything). He didn’t have his own car and we found out he didn’t have any savings, so my parents got him a car so he could use it to go to search for jobs in hopes of helping him get employed again. In that time he wasted a lot of time playing video games and saying he was applying to jobs, but I saw that he wasn’t putting a lot of effort into it. This whole time he was smoking weed. I’m ashamed to say he even got me started on the weed but I eventually retained the fear of Allah back in my heart Alhamdulillah and stopped for good.
He finally got a job but it’s still less than what is needed to help even do 50/50, and he says he is doing all he can. He wants me to pay for his gas to go to work and so such things because he cannot afford it…. When I tell him to try and apply for better opportunities he fights with me and gets abusive. He is so comfortable at a job where he cannot even fully support himself if we weren’t even together.
He also rubs my salary in my face ….. he continuously brings up me making 6 figures when I myself never talk about or allude to it at all. He constantly tells me I’m arrogant for my salary when I truly loathe working and would love to make $0 and stay at home if I had the option to. He also compares his job to mine and says he does a lot of hard work to earn his money while I don’t do anything at my job and am unfairly paid…. I am a project manager and oversee a large amount of scientific data and have a large team I manage. I never compare our jobs or say I do this or that….he is the one who compares and belittles me for my job and my pay.
When things are good we are like best friends, but he doesn’t want to listen to any input or feedback from me. He was abusive to me and put his hands on me multiple times, and I admit I have also been harsh with my tongue, but he hits me in my face and makes punching motions to me like he’s going to hit me. He calls me a horrible woman and says he spits on himself for marrying a woman like me. All I try to do is try to be a good wife and be pleasing to Allah SWT. I’ve also let go of my harsh words and have stopped fighting with him.
I tell him to try and stop the weed for the sake of Allah SWT and he says he may stop one day. He coughs all day everyday due to the weed and vape use and I just am getting fed up of it. For our anniversary or other events, he doesn’t make any effort, for example I told him I would love some flowers, and he didn’t bother with it. We had a good few months for the past few months but he recently punched and hit me again due to financial issues. He is having issues helping cover half the expenses and is telling me to pay since I’m making a large amount of money. I am getting tired of paying and drowning my savings and I think he should at least try to cover the bills and I have agreed to continue covering half the rent. I’ve changed myself a fair amount Alhamdulillah in this marriage and I’ve let go of a lot of dunya related things I used to take part in. I now mostly focus on my job, watching Islamic lectures and trying to get more knowledge of the deen. It seems like he is still on the same boat he was on, happy doing the bare minimum, expecting me to continue with covering more than half the base expenses and continuing with his smoking. I fear having children with him…. On one side I would love to have him teach them Quran as a hafiz but his bad habits scare me when I think of it rubbing off on my children.
He also passes out relatively often when we sit down together, he comes home, eats and will just dose off while he sits on the couch so we don’t spend much time quality time together. He says he’s working on bettering himself and wants me to be patient but him punching me continuously without any remorse, saying I’m a degraded woman and calling me all sorts of names, especially in months such as Dhul Hijjah and Ramadan make me think he will never change or have any realization.
He tells me he knows he’s lucky he got me, he would die for me and he values me. When things are good they are great, but when something doesn’t go his way or when his issues are brought up for a grown married adult discussion, everything goes south. He also acts as a hypocrite many times, he will call me the B word and if I say it back to him after losing all my patience’s he will come and slap me.
My parents have told me I’m wasting my time with him and I should leave while I’m young. I unfortunately have love for him in my heart as my husband and am finding it hard to make a decision. I also fear being alone for the rest of my life if I go through with a divorce. Alhamdulillah I take care of myself and used to be confident, but I now find myself questioning my worth and whether I’ll be able to have a family if I leave.
I am a successful woman, but due to my pre-revert lifestyle, I don’t have many Muslim sisters to talk to. I feel alone and confused and that is why I am coming here to get some of your feedback. Thank you in advance for your time and I apologize if this was all over the place as I have racing thoughts and bad ADHD. Jazakallah Khair