Married to a narcissist?
I (27F) have been married for a year and a half now and we dated for 2 years prior.
I fear I have recently come to discover that my husband is a narcissist/ has narcissistic traits.
Here is the breakdown of how our relationship went:
- while dating, we had our fair share of problems just like any couples and I noticed he doesn’t take no for an answer lightly. Most of our fights were either because I refused something or because he wants my full attention to be dedicated to him even around people. (Example: he wanted us to go swimming but I didn’t want to and was on my period. His reaction? Silent treatment and leaving me crying in the bathroom for a long time)
Eventually we communicated and discovered that we’re in an anxious-avoidant relationship (I’m avoidant). And we put up some rules to follow whenever we get triggered which worked.
We also discussed EVERYTHING about our married life including shores, expenses, future plans, etc.
- our married life came to be split into 2 parts. The first part which was the first year: we both had remote jobs and we were making good money (he used to get a salary of 8000dt monthly while I made around 3000dt). We lived in a big and fancy apartment, we had a lady come once a week to cook and clean, we went on trips, dates, had a good social life and good friends. Still doesn’t mean it was all fun and games. We still had fights especially about my desire towards him, my affection and attention.. shores started changing as well (he didn’t like doing what we planned to do and the way we split tasks..) we went to couples therapy and the therapist dismissed everything we said we struggled with as a couple and said that the root problem was my depression and I can’t work on my relationship unless I work on myself and therefore I started taking a whole bunch of meds and going to therapy which made me sleep a lot, think less, be less present..
The second part was the past 6 months: he got fired from work. I was freelancing but it was unstable. We didn’t have any savings. I quit therapy. So I started looking for a job and found one so we moved to a different city where my job was. During the first week, something weird happened at the job that ended up with me not working there but a week later I found another remote job. During those months I was paying rent and providing that stability but it was too much stress both at work and at home. I had to work every day from 9 to 6pm and then work on my freelance projects up until around 8 or 9pm and then go to the gym (the gym was very necessary to me to keep me from losing it to depression) I also cooked and cleaned (we split those 50/50)..
I complained once during that time that I feel like he’s not doing enough looking for jobs but he got upset and said that I didn’t see all his efforts. Which was true, I didn’t see much effort and I apologized that I didn’t see them. (Because apparently he does that effort when I’m sleeping)
Our intimate life wasn’t so intimate either because like it or not, I didn’t feel like I was in my feminine energy and I didn’t see him in an attractive way anymore. He was always staying late playing online games or “looking for jobs”, waking up every day at 3pm, not leaving the house, barely does anything.. and I was understanding towards that but honestly, I wasn’t attracted to that.
Recently he started being hurtful towards me, whether in words or actions.
He had 0 empathy towards me, 0 recognition to my efforts. Only complaints. I’d work all day and cook and clean but if I have dinner and head to sleep without washing my plate, he’d get upset that I didn’t wash the plate..
3 weeks ago, we moved again but this time it was to an apartment owned by his family in Tunis. I was glad we didn’t have to pay rent anymore so I quit my stressful job and just focused on my freelancing. I never lived in Tunis and have never even came to Tunis alone. After the very first night at our new apartment, we had lunch at his dad’s house and his dad said something hurtful yet indirectly was meant to hurt me. We went back to the apartment and I was crying. He tried being there for me but then had to go empty up his car to take it to get washed and expected me to come help him. When he asked me why I didn’t help, I told him that I don’t look or feel like someone in a mood to help (I was still crying my eyes out) and his response was: “okay but u have responsibilities regardless of ur mood”.
At that point, I questioned if this is the life I want for myself and if this is the person I want to be with. The answer was a clear no.
I packed some clothes and left.
It’s been 3 weeks. He never called or checked on me. I’ve been going from one place to another (staying at friends’).
He did however text a friend of mine asking her if I’m safe or not, once. (And I know he did that just in case I ever confronted him about not caring about me so he’d say “I do, I asked your friend about you”)
This is all just a fraction of what happened and the details only make his image get worse in my mind.
Eventually when our friends wanted to help fix this and tried calling him, he’d start complaining ABOUT ME.
I left the house after feeling like I mean absolutely nothing to him, hurt, sad, lost. And his reaction to that? He’s mad at me
Please advise me as if this is the behavior of a narcissist? Is there any hope this marriage could ever work? Or is it best that I move on?
