r/comic_crits

Looking for feedback on this five-page slice-of-life script. Any input on panel and page flow, number of panels per page, amount of direction, and quantity of dialogue would be very appreciated. I'm particularly concerned at having seven panels on the final page, especially given the setting is quite cluttered, so feedback on what to cut would be great.

Page 1 - 5 panels (4 plus title)

TITLE PANEL 
A Matter of Perspective

SETTING: The interior of a glasses shop, with rows of frames and mirrors at regular intervals. One wall is the men's side of the store (left side if looking toward the front of the store, right side if looking toward the rear) and the other wall is the women's side of the store (right side looking toward the front, left looking toward the back.)

Panel 1
A cellphone set to camera mode takes up most of the horizontal panel. In the viewfinder is the slightly blurry image of a white male face, in his mid-20s - this is Timothy. The clearest part of the image is a pair of thick black square-framed glasses that Timothy is wearing. 
The phone is held by another pair of white male hands, with one thumb over the shutter button - these hands belong to Jonty.

JONTY (off): I thought you needed my help choosing new frames.

Panel 2
Jonty is handing the phone to Timothy, as they stand in front of a wall of glasses frames. These should be masculine coded, all with similar shapes and frame widths - black rims, squares and circles, not much variety. The word MEN’S is on a sign above the display (or however you can think to indicate that this is the men’s side of the store.) 
Both Jonty and Timothy are white men in their mid-20s. Timothy is slightly taller, with blond hair and a delicate appearance, dressed in a longsleeve button-up shirt and jeans - he looks more put-together than Jonty, who has a chaotic vibe to him. The glasses Timothy wears in this panel are obviously different to the ones we saw in the previous panel. Jonty, who is handing the phone over, has messy red hair and less striking features than Timothy. He is wearing a T-shirt and shorts.

TIMOTHY: I do. I can’t see the mirror without my glasses.

JONTY: I meant style help! Anyway, they’re ugly.

TIMOTHY: More or less ugly than the last pair?

JONTY: The same.

Panel 3
Mid-shot on Timothy, who is looking down at the phone in his hands, face pensive. It is clear he agrees with Jonty, but doesn’t want to say so.

TIMOTHY: Maybe the titanium ones would be better?

JONTY (off): Why, will you be wearing them to space?

Panel 4
Same view, but now Timothy is looking up at Jonty. The way he looks in this panel should emphasise that Timothy is beautiful, but maybe not traditionally masculine. His expression is uncomfortable, verging on upset.

TIMOTHY: Perhaps it’s my face. --

TIMOTHY: -- Perhaps all these glasses are fine, but my face is... 

Page 2 - 5 panels

Panel 1
Jonty has moved close to Timothy, and his hand covers both the cellphone and Timothy's fingers holding it. Their position and expressions should convey a real sense of intimacy - they are not about to kiss, but they should look like they might be. I really want this panel to be the one that confirms Boyfriends, not brothers or friends. Timothy’s expression is still a little uncertain. The distance between the two speech bubbles in this panel needs to be as much as you can fit, I want to imply a long pause between Jonty’s two sentences here.

JONTY: There is nothing wrong with your face.

JONTY: Let’s try the titanium ones.

Panel 2
Still in the glasses shop, but from a different angle, Jonty and Timothy are in significantly different positions - trying to indicate time passing. This needs to be a pretty big panel, where we can see Timothy to one side, scrutinising his phone again. Jonty is turned slightly away from Timothy and even more away from the reader - he is looking across the full width of the store. Past him are racks of glasses and eventually the other wall, that should be much like the wall we saw on Page 1 Panel 2, but this time with the word WOMEN’S on a sign above the glasses, or other feminine indications, matching the masculine ones we saw before.

TIMOTHY (mumbling to himself): Definitely not...

Panel 3
Jonty is walking towards the other side of the store, past a rack with glasses that are a bit more frilly than ones we have seen before - cats eyes and winged shapes, and a wider array of shapes and patterns.
Blocking Jonty’s path a little is a shop assistant - his nametag reads CLINT. He is shorter, southeast Asian, with black hair and a neat beard. He is wearing a polo shirt with an obvious glasses logo - think Specsavers, but legally distinct.

CLINT: Excuse me, this is the ladies’ side of the store.

Panel 4
Jonty has turned toward Clint, we can see both their faces. Clint is wearing the bland ‘How can I help you?’ look of a retail worker, while Jonty looks confused.

JONTY: They’re glasses.

CLINT: Yes, but they’re for women.

Panel 5
Same view, but Jonty is now looking at Clint as though he’s a complete moron. 

JONTY: They’re… *glasses*…

CLINT: But they’re for women.

Page 3 - 5 panels

Panel 1
Focus on Jonty from Clint’s point of view, possibly a little behind his shoulder if there’s room. Jonty is now looking animated, his hands are raised in a ‘WTF?’ gesture, as if Clint has just managed to trigger his last nerve. He should be positioned so his speech bubble is at the right of frame, able to be cut off by the next panel overlapping with this one.

JONTY: What, do you wear them on your--

Panel 2 - Inset/Overlapping previous panel, cutting off the final word in previous speech balloon
An arm, clad in Timothy’s shirtsleeve, is shoving Jonty backwards a little. Jonty’s arms are spread out from his WTF gesture, and he looks shocked. This panel can be a bit more cartoony than the others, emphasising that Jonty is being cut off from saying something rude, rather than accurately depicting him being pushed hard or moving any real distance.

JONTY: AWK!

Panel 3
Timothy has now positioned himself between Jonty and Clint, speaking to Clint. He is pointing across his body with one hand in a polite little “over there” gesture, and looks composed. Facing him, Clint looks somewhat surprised at the sudden change in speaker. Behind Timothy, and further back from the reader, Jonty is grinning mischievously.

TIMOTHY: Excuse me, sorry, could I just quickly grab your help with something?

Panel 4
Jonty, now unsupervised, is looking up at the wall of glasses, facing away from the reader. We see him from the back, his head is tilted slightly to the left, as though considering something.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 5
Close up on a pair of glasses. These are quite plain looking, with thin dark frames that are not quite circular. They should look as though they will suit Timothy’s face. You can have fun drawing the most ridiculous glasses you like above and below them if you like. From the right bottom corner of the panel Jonty’s hand is reaching for them.

NO DIALOGUE

Page 4 - 4 panels

Panel 1
Timothy and Clint are standing in the men’s section, Clint gesturing towards a row of identical frames. Timothy is looking away from them, to where Jonty is presenting the glasses he just found.

JONTY: Try these ones --
JONTY: -- and gimme your phone.

Panel 2
Focus on Timothy, who looks somewhat alarmed by Jonty’s sudden re-emergence. Despite this, he is reaching to take off his glasses. He’s still trying to be polite though, and is speaking towards where Clint is standing (either in-panel or out of panel, depending on space.)

TIMOTHY: Thanks Clint, I’ll be back when I’ve decided…

Panel 3
Slightly more zoomed out view, Jonty taking a photo of Timothy wearing the frames.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 4
A mockup of a group chat - Whatsapp, discord, imessage, whatever is the least trouble to draw. The PFP bubbles can be filled with either doodles or just initials to indicate different people. No traditional dialogue in this panel, all below is text for bubbles. The “speaker” initials can be replaced with PFP doodles if you’re doing that. The first message should come from the right side as the sender, all others are replies on the left.

T(sender): Final choice is between options A, B, and E. What do youse think?

C: Option B

S: B

M: B

A: Same

J: Told you

Page 5 - 7 panels

Panel 1
Back at the glasses shop, Timothy and Jonty are standing in front of the counter, where a young Asian woman is using a computer. This is Nadia, though we don't need to see a name tag. She should be wearing the same kind of polo shirt as Clint was. Timothy and Jonty are wearing different clothes to the previous pages.

TEXT BOX: One week later

NADIA: We have those frames in stock, I'll just go grab them.

Panel 2
From Timothy and Jonty's perspective, we see Nadia searching the “Men's” section for the frames.

NADIA: Hey Sarah, can you help me look for these frames?

Panel 3
Nadia is joined by Sarah, a middle-aged white woman in the same uniform. They are both looking in the men's section of the shop.

SARAH: Are you sure they're in stock?

NADIA: I'm sure.

TIMOTHY (off): Should we tell them?

Panel 4
A close-up on Timothy and Jonty's hands, where they stand together. Jonty is brushing his fingers down the inside of Timothy's wrist.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 5
The same view, now with Jonty holding Timothy's hand.

JONTY (off): Nah.

Panel 6
Nadia is back at the counter, holding the pair of frames Jonty picked out from the “Women's” side of the store. She looks slightly frazzled, as though she's been searching for much longer than she expected. 

NADIA: Sorry about the wait guys, are these the ones you were after?

TIMOTHY: That's them.

NADIA: Someone put them in the women's section for some reason!

JONTY: Imagine that…

Panel 7
Nadia is passing a piece of paper over to Timothy, smiling. This is obviously the end of the transaction. 

NADIA: We'll email when your glasses are ready. Should be about two weeks. 

TIMOTHY: Thanks.

NADIA: And don't worry, I'll make sure the frames go back on the proper side of the shop this time!