r/humansarespaceorcs

"Asteroids".

Insectoid alien: "I am impressed that a human of all kind knows how to operate a birthpool so good! Grubs look healthy and well-treated! Not to say entertained with all that steering. Where did you get such a skilled professional?"

Human caretaker: "He was our cook. And apparently, taking care of your brood is no different from making a soup. We just needed to let him taste, how the proper birth-goo should taste like and the rest... he figured out himself."

IA: "Oh... Well, at least he knows that they are not food. He talks to the grubs and steers them around with that soft stick, so they won't get too overheated."

H: "Well, that stick - is a wooden spatula. And he kinda speaks to the food he cooks too... But at least your grubs respond. It looks weird when he speaks to potatoes."

After Action Report:

They sent a fucking battleship at our convoy.

1  Human Fred and Food
2  Human Fred Again
3  Human Fred Yet Again
4  Human Fred The Saga Continues
5  Human Fred Rides Again
6  Human Fred *Sigh*
7  Human Fred Rolls Out
8  Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9  Human Fred Doh’
10 Human Fred Stops for Coffee
11 Human Fred Deploys Stabby and Knifey
12 Human Fred Attempts Friendly Advice
13 Human Fred Priorities 
14 Human Fred Schools Morons
15 Human Fred Gets Annoyed
16 Human Fred Investigates
17 Human Fred is Annoyed
18 Human Fred Gets More Annoyed
19 Human Fred Smirks 
20 Human Fred Brings Hellfire
21 Human Fred is Confused
22 Human Fred Considers
23 Human Fred is Chipper
24 Human Fred has Some Fun
25 Human Fred Witnesses Stupidity
26 Human Fred vs the Coffee Maker
27 Human Fred Accepts Crap Coffee
28 Human Fred Listens
29 Human Fred Gets Comfortable 
30 Human Fred has Questions
31 Human Fred Considers Some More
32 Human Fred Wakes Up
33 Human Fred Debates
34 Human Fred Gets Coffee
35 Human Fred Talks with the Captain
36 Human Fred Reflects on Life
37 Human Fred Waits
38 Human Fred is Scared
Greezek
39 Human Fred Experiments
40 Human Fred Discovers
41 Human Fred vs the Sensor Array
42 Human Fred Keeps Calm
43 Human Fred Editor
44 Human Fred Discovers New Curses
45 Human Fred Stews
46 Human Fred Giggles
47 Human Fred Attempts Dinner 
48 Human Fred Plans
49 Human Fred Explains
50 Human Fred Examines Floor Tiles
51 Human Fred Gets a New Toy
52Human Fred Reflects…Again
53 Human Fred Rolls His Eyes
54 Human Fred vs Idiots
55 Human Fred Goes Librarian
56 Human Fred Giggles Again
57 Human Fred and Plan B
58 Human Fred Plan B 2.0
59 Human Fred

“Greezek, tell me that you got that bastard.”

“And good morning to you. Yes, I got him.”

“I assume that I’m in medical and beat to hell.”

“Correct. And what did we learn?”

“That you are a pain. I’ll need to upgrade my helmet.”

“That and to take cover. You gave him a perfect shot!”

“Combat is fluid. Luck is needed.”

“Well it was your lucky day that he was using an energy weapon.”

“No joke. Why am I all bandaged up? Even my eyes.”

“Fred, they had to rebuild part of your skull. You now have multiple plates holding your brain in.”

“That explains a great deal. You hurt?”

“No, just really annoyed and confused.”

“Fair. What all did you eventually find?”

“Legal is having a field day. The Captain is about to glass the outpost and call it a day. The infiltration was really bad.”

“Do we know who is behind it?”

The door opened and the Captain entered. “My timing is good today. Yes, we know who is behind it. We just don’t know who they are.”

“Sorry, say that again.”

“We have a name and a company, but nothing else.”

“Same company?”

“An affiliate. The name is a ghost.”

Greezek frowned. “How did they get a contract without those details?”

“Legal had the same question,” said the Captain. “This is revealing a much larger issue. The Droog must have been working on this for years.”

“This isn’t like them,” muttered Fred. “They aren’t long-range thinkers.”

“Well this plan took a great deal of effort, so someone has a long-term plan.”

“What if we have this backwards?”

“Backwards?” asked Greezek. “How?”

“Oh I don’t know. This seems wrong. We are missing something.”

“At the moment what we are missing is a healthy Fred,” said the Captain. “You are confined to medical until they release you. None of this wandering off.”

“Joy.”

“And Greezek is under orders to keep you here and to prevent you from causing any issues.”

“Lucky her.”

“Fred, shut up. You shouldn’t be alive, so take the win.”

“I know. I know. I’ve just got this bad feeling.”

The Captain stood up, "Given the blow you took, I would assume all of life is a bad feeling. I’ve got to get this station in order before we can address the outpost issue. You recover.” And he walked out. 

Greezek sat staring at the wall. 

“What is it?”

“I’ve got a bad feeling as well. They had far more help than just Chief and his gang. This required a large network. It would need multiple supply depots, dozens of non-descript freighters, financing, a team of unethical lawyers, some sort of planning hub, and a big plan. That doesn’t align with what we are seeing. Which means we aren’t seeing the full scope. We are the furthest out, yes?”

“Furthest official Sol Command station and outpost. There are unofficial stations and outposts further out, but we don’t maintain contact.”

“Hmmmmmmmm.”

“I have some ideas to upgrade our armor. Some details for close-in fighting.”

“Right. Nice. What do we know about these unofficial sites?”

“Why yes, I’m happy to talk to myself.”

“Sorry. Yes, we can go over armor upgrades. I have some ideas as well. Now. What do we know about these unofficial sites?”

“Basically nothing. We know where some of them are, but there aren’t any established routes out here. No trade, really. A signal here and there. I’m not even sure if we know which sites are still occupied.”

“So a group could hide on one of those sites?”

“That is the point. To do your own thing. An unofficial site is the best place to hide, if you are in with the leadership.”

“Hmmmmmmm. Any of them ever cause issues?”

“Issues? No. They are on their own, so we ignore them.”

“I’m thinking that was a bad idea. Someone used that blind spot to start a long-term attack.”

“Did you know that your voice changes when your different memories talk?”

“Yes. You’ve mentioned it.”

“Well I don’t know who that was, but they are likely correct. The list of potential enemies just got bigger.”

“Not really. Look. I’m slated to meet with the counselor my species sent. Not the government one, the Flen-Rewd one. And is a great help.”

“Good call. I’ll be here. Thinking.”

“Fred.”

“Yes?”

“How do I help my people the most?”

“What? Why are you asking me? What do they need? How can you fulfill that need?”

“They need to be seen as equals and valid, not hidden.”

“Then show them that you are equal and valid, and do it openly.”

“Right. I’ll be back.”

“Greezek. Take time to reflect and grow. Every skirmish has the potential to really mess with you. Don’t let this one break you.”

“I won’t,” she said as she left. 

The door closed. Fred was in the dark in a medical bay without any of his gear. Fred sighed. 

What did we miss? he thought. Who would have the ability to do all of this? How did they recruit the Droog?

Too many questions, too many options. He groaned. 

He groped around, found the tray, found a small notepad and a pencil. He carefully began to write, replaying everything and composing his thoughts. 

******

Greezek walked in to see Fred blindly writing on a note pad. “Hey Fred. What are you doing?”

“Thinking. Composing my thoughts.”

“But you can’t see them.”

“No, but I can remember them. This is a puzzle, yes? So I’m attempting to compile all that I know to find the pattern.”

“I hate to break your concentration, but you need to put that away and rest.”

“Why?”

“So when we deal with the next mess, you are healthy and useful. Right now you are a liability.”

Fred stopped writing. “You might be right. Oh. Oh that is clever. Sneaky bastards.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I figured out part of the scheme!”

“We received a message from Sue, Commander.”

“And?”

“It was 25 minutes of her laughing. She was hyperventilating and crying.”

“Oscar, why would she send us that?”

“Oh, I think it has to do with a few thousand pissed-off mutant emus waking up. There was a second message saying that she would send a video after they set it to music.”

It is well known that Terrans keep pets, and bond quite strongly with them. The keep the most terrifying creatures as pets, treat said beast as if it was a soft toy, and amazingly survive.

However, whatever you do, NEVER joke about a Terran’s pet dying. There are multiple war memorials and few places where life can never exist because of an off hand comment about a Terran pet.

What have the rest of you seen?

-- ++ MESS▓GE HEAD3R [7F:2A] ++ --

-- ++ BEG1N DECRYP7ION PR0TOCOL ++ --

-- ++ UNKN0WN ORIG-- LANGUAGE NOT FUL▒Y ENC0DED a9 ++ --

-- BEGIN TEXT STR1NG 0x4C --

We are sen▓ing this on an op3n and wi_e b4nd broad█ast. We do n0t k7now who will r3ad our mess@ges, we on1y ho9pe for a comp▒ssionate re░ly.

Our colo&y was att@cked by an un3xpected B7 unkn▓wn f0rce. Their ves▒els were ma░y, mostly lar▓er than our big█est buil_ing. There w3re more th@n a wh0le herd of ges░'ta, 3f and they c▒me at ni█ht.

We are sim█le farm3rs, our s1ght needs the st@rl1ght to be on the fi▒lds so our ar░s can be u5ed to te░d to the fl@-go'h cr0ps 8D that our ges░'ta f33d on. W1thout the me@t of the ge▓b, we w1ll sta░ve, even a fall0w-r▒ot supp1ement will n0t s2us█ain us, we l@ck the mea░s to cre@te our own sp▓ckles, we must g3t them fr0m the █eat.

The ra1ders t▒ok our he░ds, left ju5t the w3ek and an▓ient 41 ones, k1lled ma░y of our fa█mers and sl@ught3red ev3ry one of our wor░ing c▒ts that ke3p the pe5ts out of the f▓a-go'h si█os.

If an░one c4n h3ar us, we n3ed he░p, we ne3d our he▒ds retur█ed from the r@iders bef0re we f@ll to the sic░ness. [E2:00]

-- ++ END TE░T STR1NG ++ --

-- ++ FURTHER MESS@GE DEC0DE UNSUCC▓SSFUL ERR_0x7B ++ --

-- ++ MESSAGE REP3ATED EV█RY 45 CYC▒ES ++ --