u/BareMinimumChef

If a Human asks you emotionless, or suddenly very very calmly to repeat yourself. For all that is Holy and all the Gods of your Species: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID!
While Humans may claim to be "hauling Ass in the opposite direction" at even the slightest hint of danger, they almost never will if anything, living or inanimate, they hold dear would be left behind. There are Reports of Humans fighting Apex-Predators 5 times their size and 10 times their weight with their bare hands to protect what they consider theirs, and winning.
Yes, they have insane eating habits. Yes they eat literal chemical- and biological weapons, but i would argue 1st Mate Thynel's Stew, a recipe from his Mother, also counts as one, and Humans took one sniff before avoiding the Cafeteria all together for a month! Ask if you are curious about Humans, what they eat, drink, smoke, snort and shove up their Asses. Just dont be a fucking weirdo about it. If in doubt if it would be weird, ask their Sentient Super-AI (AN: not actually the case, just a misunderstanding on the Aliens Part) "Google"

I spent nearly 40 minutes yesterday deleting, not disabling: DELETING! all those 681 BULLSHIT Game profiles (yes, i fucking counted!) that switch my DPI and lighting on my G502 completely at random. And guess what happened after GHub updated today?

ALL OF IT WAS FUCKING BACK! AND FUCKED WITH THE DPI SO MUCH THAT I WAS BARELY ABLE TO FUCKING TASKMASTER-RESTART GHUB TO GET A SENSIBLE DPI BACK!

Because guess what: After it changed, you can manually fiddle with the settings all you want IT WON'T FUCKING CHANGE BACK UNTIL YOU COMPLETELY CLOSED GHUB VIA TASKMASTER!

And people wonder why i disable all automatic updates on everything i own... Its because of this BULLSHIT, that i have to haved time and patience for to fix after each update.

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My Human Coworker just, actually, unironically: HISSED at me for walking by her coffee mug a bit too close. Honestly, whats in there isn't even coffee, 100% pure caffeine isnt as strong as that abomination. I get she's tired as a programmer, but... Help?

A"THE HUMAN HAS THAT CREEPY SMILE AGAIN! FULL RETREAT TO THE SHIP!" H(looking over)"What?" A"And the Human doesnt know why! Enact Protocol Zeta immediately!"

[WP]"Hey, do you have anymore - Why is there a Metal Sheet on your Living-room floor?", "Underneath is a Portal to some Afterlife. I had to cover it up somehow", "You seem awfully casual about this.", "Said the Demonic God crashing on my Couch. I stopped freaking out after Month 2", "Touche"

H"Why do I have to surrender my Pistol!? Threm over there gets to keep his!" A Captain"Because Threm is responsible. Because Threm doesnt hold a loaded gun to his Bunkmates Neck and shouts: "Tell me I'm snoring one more time, I fucking double-dare you!" so loud the entire Ship wakes up."

[WP]Your God has a Wager going with a Demoness. After winning for centuries, they bet something more, thinking they couldnt loose: Their Paladin, i.e.: You. "Betting your Paladin, fucking Scumbag!" the Demoness curses as your Oath forcefully breaks. "Welp... Im Lillith, nice to meet you, Warlock."

A1(visibly seconds away from an aneurysm)"You did... WHAT!?" A2"I found a Human Child and brought it here. It was clearly lost..." A1"WE ARE THE MAFIA YOU STUPID FUCK! HUMANS HUNT US FOR SPORT BECAUSE WE MERELY EXIST, AND NOW YOU BASICALLY KIDNAPPED A HUMAN CHILD!?"

PSA Concerning Humans

H"You're joking, I barely touched him! I went even easier on him than my Daughter!" A"You broke his Carapace in 8 places. Now, please! let us do this the civil way and come with me, voluntarily. I'd hate to have to call a Human Officer out here to arrest you." H"But he attacked ME!"

[WP]Your Life was complete and utter Bullshit! There is no other way to describe it. Every single time something fucked everything up. And now you are standing inside a Bookshop, reading your own story while the Author brags about your "Character Development" in the Synopsis.

[WP]"Ok, and now" you look around suspiciously. "Just the final ingredient" you look around your empty study again. "Salamandar Tongue. Careful now" You check again, the Study is still Dark and empty. You decide to dro- "MY FAVORITE WITCH!" You hear as your Door crashes into the opposite wall, again

[WP]When you opened your front door because your Blind Date arrived, you both groaned in perfect sync: "Im gonna KILL him/her!". Not only do you know each other, you LOATHE each other with an intensity that made the Sun tame in comparison. "Lilly?" they ask. "Lilly. Jason?" you answer and get a nod.

[WP]"Oh~?" you ask, looking like the Cat that got into the cream pot. Your best friends friend groans like it physically hurt to speak after coming out of your roommates room. "Yeah, I spent the night... still hate her though!" "It sounded like you hated her room way more last night..."

[WP]"Tell me you didn't do what i just saw you do." "I can't, you saw it" "So this is normal fo you?" "Hm~ Pretty much, one good bonk to their reverse scale and they die. And they are suprisingly tasty. Sorry I didnt get any leftovers for you to try." "You just killed and ate a DRAGON on your own!"

[WP]"Why did you protect me? I am very clearly a wanted man." he points out the window of the carriage to the Inquisition Riders leaving after asking about him. "Why wouldn't I help another Witch? I am sorry, you prefer to be called Wizards."

[WP]You sit with your remaining Batallion. "I am going to be honest: This City is lost. We have now, every Soldier individually, a choice to make. Either retreat with the rest of the Army, or fight, and die, here to evacuate as many Civilians as possible. I personally choose to stay and die here."

[WP]For 2 Millennia this Sword was passed down from Parent to Child. You didnt have much interest, until you read the History of it. All of your Ancestors kept a Journal for it, and It started with the Roman Albus buying Iron for his Sons final Blacksmithing test to make a Sword in 653 BC

GHub is straight up built to piss you off

[WP]Your Field is Information Aquisition. You are very, very good at it, and your Clients always leave in one piece. Their Bodies do at least. You find the physical part of your profession frankly: Appalling. There is just no class to it, no puzzle to solve, just a mess to clean after they're done.

[WP]You've been dubbed "Lucifer" after being framed a Villain with the Power of Contracts. "This is not how my power works at all, your honor. It has to be absolutely consensual, and bring equivalent equal value and punishment to both parties. I couldn't make my contracts one-sided if i tried."

[WP]"You're really bad at being an Adult, you know that?", "I'm not!", "Then stop pouting because i said that, and stop feeding your 15 year old Squire Ice-Cream everytime she makes you proud.", "But you DO make me proud. Top of your Class, Im supposed to be the Cool Uncle after all."