u/-ComfyStars_

It was a doctor for something very specific, it had nothing to do with anything psychological but she still asked about all my diagnosis and I was happy about it, I thought she was interested in knowing everything about her patients. ​

But then NO because the moment she heard I had trauma, in fact I said cptsd and she still asked "trauma? WHAT trauma?" I said it's Complex PTSD it's MULTIPLE and it's complex and she insisted "then what was the WORSE? Cmon" LIKE. I DON'T WANT TO SAY. And I hate I answered one of my trauma instead of insisting her to drop it, and then mom later told me she's not gonna think it's severe if I explain THAT one trauma anyways. ​

All the visit was liks that. "Disability? What do you even have?" "Fibromyalgia? How did they diagnose you that? What signs do you have of fibromyalgia?" there I said I was diagnosed because I fit the criteria and I wasn't going to explain every detail because it's not the point of the visit. ​

She kept insisting on what do I have that is so severe, at some point I explain it's hard for me to distinguish reality because I have visual perception disorders (like aiws) and other stuff like hallucinations due to trauma, she's like "give me an example" I explain an experience and she's like "weren't you asleep? You can't even tell if it's real or not so weren't you obviously asleep?" if I'm diagnosed with something can you not try to debunk my disorders using some simple as hell reason? Especially if I'm saying it's hard to discern reality can you not question me in the face if what I went through was real? ​

"So since they told you you're doted when you were a baby (mom said it because it's the first time a doc told her I'd most surely face problems growing up, she asked), be smart, change your mindset, use that intelligence to your advantage, that's what you have to do with your trauma, be more positive" and she wouldn't let go on that. I'm saying I have therapy since over a decade, and this visit is unrelated to that anyways, who does she think she is to judge and give the most obvious advice in Earth as if that would solve everything!? And why do so many people act like this!? Why do I and more people have to go through a lifetime of abuse only to get disability for life and get judged and dismissed almost every time!? ​

Why did I even try to explain myself? Why didn't I just leave in the moment? I'm so pissed both at her and myself too. Needed this off my chest.

Mostly sharing wondering if someone else feels the same, I am under treatment it's just feels too much. Reddit recommended me this sub. I do have DID and do derealize and depersonalize all the time so I thought maybe it's related to this after all too, maybe the dreams are making it all worse.

I started getting really scared of the idea of dying years ago because my dreams are really realistic, I can spend what feels like years, mixed with sleep paralysis hallucinations, hypnagogic hallucinations and false awakenings. And at some point of the night I tend to start believing those dreams are real even if just to cope. I've done everything in dreams: I can be lucid, I just can't wake up or fall back asleep if I do. I have died infinite ways, I have had entire lives, some I still miss to this day, I have even waited for what felt like so long I can't describe just screaming, crying, giving up and waiting to wake up.

So then it started to really get me, that I can be spending years with someone and wake up and it all will be over, just a dream, all in my head. How am I supposed to ever know I actually died? How will I ever know I'm not starting to hallucinate things?

I already have hallucinations of the trauma kind, I see shadows or feel I'm back in places or situations from the past and stuff, but I'm terrified of it getting worse.

Yesterday I was looking at these very marked lines on the ceiling, seeing them change shape. I told myself "they don't exist", and seriously stopped seeing them. I began to get more nervous, wondering if the same thing could happen with the entire room, and then I started seeing the lamp distort, like bending within itself. I could ground myself and everything went back to normal but it was still... It was something let's leave it at that.

I do have AIWS so probably that mixed in (it makes objects look bigger/small or further/closer from what they should be), maybe it was just heavy dissociation...

My other big problem is I can't hold believes or skepticisms... Like I just can't... I keep asking myself what is what, unless I have a proof to take out of my pocket it's never enough. I'll try write about that later on on another sub probably maybe this isn't so depersonalization related, although it is heavily connected to how nothing feels real enough and everything feels distant. Lately I can't even think properly, like I'll tell myself "I'd li--" and I can't finish the "I'd like to eat something" thought, because the feeling something bad is going to happen if I finish that thought is overwhelming, over and over.

Mostly sharing wondering if someone else feels the same, I am under treatment it's just feels too much.

I started getting really scared of the idea of dying years ago because my dreams are really realistic, I can spend what feels like years, mixed with sleep paralysis hallucinations, hypnagogic hallucinations and false awakenings. And at some point of the night I tend to start believing those dreams are real even if just to cope. I've done everything in dreams: I can be lucid, I just can't wake up or fall back asleep if I do. I have died infinite ways, I have had entire lives, some I still miss to this day, I have even waited for what felt like so long I can't describe just screaming, crying, giving up and waiting to wake up.

So then it started to really get me, that I can be spending years with someone and wake up and it all will be over, just a dream, all in my head. How am I supposed to ever know I actually died? How will I ever know I'm not starting to hallucinate things?

I already have hallucinations of the trauma kind, I see shadows or feel I'm back in places or situations from the past and stuff, but I'm terrified of it getting worse.

Yesterday I was looking at these very marked lines on the ceiling, seeing them change shape. I told myself "they don't exist", and seriously stopped seeing them. I began to get more nervous, wondering if the same thing could happen with the entire room, and then I started seeing the lamp distort, like bending within itself. I could ground myself and everything went back to normal but it was still... It was something let's leave it at that.

I do have AIWS so probably that mixed in (it makes objects look bigger/small or further/closer from what they should be), maybe it was just heavy dissociation...

My other big problem is I can't hold believes or skepticisms... Like I just can't... I keep asking myself what is what, unless I have a proof to take out of my pocket it's never enough. I'll try write about that later on. Lately I can't even think properly, like I'll tell myself "I'd li--" and I can't finish the "I'd like to eat something" thought, because the feeling something bad is going to happen if I finish that thought is overwhelming, over and over.

I have been for years in a state where I feel frozen, most of the day I just cannot move. Wanna wash teeth? Can't. Wanna use pc? Can't. Just thinking about it makes me stay in place like I become stone and if I try to force it either my body won't respond or I start trembling and crying. But sleeping just hurts so bad I can't sleep all day either.

I do have disability, I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia, CF and DID and I have CPTSD.

Thing is I don't know what extent is cf and which is freeze so to my psychologist or disability assistant I say I have "constant freeze" but no one understands me, and doing my own research I'm realizing just how little data there is in my language about it, even in English, I mostly find Functional Freeze Response, but I am not functional at all, I cannot leave my bed most of the time, so I guess it's CF, but the reaction of trembling and crying feel freeze to me?

Does someone know any page that explains if there's something like cf but freeze mixed up? I want to send my psychologist something to explain him I do have no energy and such but also these freeze responses throughout the day almost like I'm constantly on the verge of becoming crystal or stone but I don't really know what to send.