u/-Sprockette-

---

CW: Dissociation, loneliness, existential thoughts.

---

I need more to know
they were never meant
to feel this alone.

...

The world is weird.

Existence,
in general.

Though, maybe I
shouldn't get this
existential.

...

No part of me
can pick
a solid verb
of speech.

Too many directions.
Too much inner noise.

Every path an answer.
Silence, a choice.

Still, something in me
won’t surrender
to its voice.

...

You're told you're alone—
Always and forever.

No one for you,
No, not ever—

Then noticed,

How could it—
I thought—
It wouldn't—

That part won.
The fog;
Shhh—

But no,
You’re not alone.

Even She couldn’t
Make it true—

Yelling and screaming,
How dare existence—

It’s so funny,
to want to be and
not want to be,

Like Shakespeare.

I thought that once—
Twice—
Three.

...

It comes in fragments.

But I just wanted to say:

You’re not alone.
Not ever.
Not with me.

---

Mini context:

This "poem" came out while I was trying to comfort a friend and started dissociating a bit. I was struggling to find the right words, but I wanted them to know I understood, I cared, and that people deserve to know they are not alone with these thoughts and feelings we face in the world.

---

---

CW: Dissociation, loneliness, existential thoughts.

---

I need more to know
they were never meant
to feel this alone.

...

The world is weird.

Existence,
in general.

Though, maybe I
shouldn't get this
existential.

...

No part of me
can pick
a solid verb
of speech.

Too many directions.
Too much inner noise.

Every path an answer.
Silence, a choice.

Still, something in me
won’t surrender
to its voice.

...

You're told you're alone—
Always and forever.

No one for you,
No, not ever—

Then noticed,

How could it—
I thought—
It wouldn't—

That part won.
The fog;
Shhh—

But no,
You’re not alone.

Even She couldn’t
Make it true—

Yelling and screaming,
How dare existence—

It’s so funny,
to want to be and
not want to be,

Like Shakespeare.

I thought that once—
Twice—
Three.

...

It comes in fragments.

But I just wanted to say:

You’re not alone.
Not ever.
Not with me.

---

Mini context:

This "poem" came out while I was trying to comfort a friend and started dissociating a bit. I was struggling to find the right words, but I wanted them to know I understood, I cared, and that people deserve to know they are not alone with these thoughts and feelings we face in the world.

---

Remenber:

It is never too late to get out of that dark.

Even if all you can do right now is keep breathing inside it.

---

Take care of yourselves 💛

---

---

This subreddit has grown a lot since the YouTube release, and honestly, it is kind of wild to see it happen in real time.

---

I found this place (thanks to Angelwings 💛) when it was still under 3.5k savers/unabstraction believers. And seeing it grow this much leads me to the main point I keep coming back to:

It is never too late to come out of that dark.

As someone who truly, firmly believed I would not be alive today, I mean that.

---

I was also the one who gave up. Gave in to the thoughts. Stopped caring. Pushed people away. Could not come out.

And then somebody noticed.

After years and years and years of being told no one would be there for me, that I would be alone in this world, someone noticed.

And it was the beginning of a change.

But I want to be careful with that, too, because being noticed did not mean someone dragged me out while I did nothing.

It still took something in me, even if it was small, even when it was hard.

Sometimes that meant answering a message when all I wanted to do was ignore it. Sometimes it meant letting myself feel that someone cared and not immediately shoving it away.

The help mattered, but so did my own conscious, exhausted, effort. Not perfectly. Not instantly. But enough to begin.

...

It has been a decade since then, and I am not “healed.” I don’t know if I ever truly will be.

And I think I'm okay with that.

---

We are an ever-changing, ever-experiencing, species. That is what makes life, life. The horrible moments, the good moments, the dark moments, the bright ones. All of it comes together somehow.

And even if I fall into my abstracted form again, I know it will not be too late to come back out.

Hard, yes.

Painful, yes.

But not too late.

As long as there is some small part of you still holding on, even if it is quiet, even if it is buried, even if it cannot answer anyone yet, it is not too late.

---

That is why this story means so much to me.

That is why unabstraction means so much to me.

Because sometimes someone being reached does not mean they are fixed.

Sometimes it just means they are not alone in the dark anymore.

And sometimes, that is where coming back starts.

---

Take care of yourselves 💛

---

Sculpted by a scorching furnace,

Molded into sentimental decorations,

We are no different from the crystal fragments

Of the liquified grains of rocks and minerals.

..

Easy to scratch,

Easier to shatter,

One misstep can lead

To utter demolition.

..

Miniscule fractures from intense pressure

Manipulate our codes, transform our masses,

Forever stretching, pulling, carving

The minds of the innocent.

..

The fault is naught but the when we were shaped;

Calamities uncommon along the sandy shore.

The ‘One in a Million’ phrases offend the

Glass-blower; he throws his creation down.

..

The splintering shards of my lucidity

Disintegrate piece-by-piece,

Scattering colorful granites

Across the cold, stone floor.

..

We are frightened; he continues.

Taking a gloved hand, he reaches

Inside the flaming crucible.

The process begins again.

---

Going through old works of mine and decided to share this one...

Not my favorite tbh 😅

Sculpted by a scorching furnace,
Molded into sentimental decorations,
We are no different from the crystal fragments
Of the liquified grains of rocks and minerals.

Easy to scratch,
Easier to shatter,
One misstep can lead
To utter demolition.

Miniscule fractures from intense pressure
Manipulate our codes, transform our masses,
Forever stretching, pulling, carving
The minds of the innocent.

The fault is naught but the when we were shaped;
Calamities uncommon along the sandy shore.
The ‘One in a Million’ phrases offend the
Glass-blower; he throws his creation down.

The splintering shards of my lucidity
Disintegrate piece-by-piece,
Scattering colorful granites
Across the cold, stone floor.

We are frightened; he continues.
Taking a gloved hand, he reaches
Inside the flaming crucible.
The process begins again.

---

Going through old works of mine and decided to share this one...

Not my favorite tbh 😅

Sculpted by a scorching furnace,

Molded into sentimental decorations,

We are no different from the crystal fragments

Of the liquified grains of rocks and minerals.

..

Easy to scratch,

Easier to shatter,

One misstep can lead

To utter demolition.

..

Miniscule fractures from intense pressure

Manipulate our codes, transform our masses,

Forever stretching, pulling, carving

The minds of the innocent.

..

The fault is naught but the when we were shaped;

Calamities uncommon along the sandy shore.

The ‘One in a Million’ phrases offend the

Glass-blower; he throws his creation down.

..

The splintering shards of my lucidity

Disintegrate piece-by-piece,

Scattering colorful granites

Across the cold, stone floor.

..

We are frightened; he continues.

Taking a gloved hand, he reaches

Inside the flaming crucible.

The process begins again.

---

Going through old works of mine and decided to share this one...

Not my favorite tbh 😅

CW: Implied emotional abuse/neglect

Maybe just a vent? If I'm honest... I feel out of it...

---

Her voice is coming in again, and it doesn’t matter what I say to myself.

It doesn’t matter that I have a literal degree in creative writing. It doesn’t matter that I have a master’s in education. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had work in literary journals. It doesn’t matter that I have old documents of stories from years before any of this.

My brain just keeps going:

> It’s fake.

> You’re fake.

> You tricked everyone

> None of it counts.

And I know, logically, that this is probably trauma talking. I know there are actual, physical pieces of proof that I am a person who has made real things.

But knowing that is not turning the loop off...

...

I feel like I’m arguing with a voice that already decided I’m guilty.

I don’t really need advice right now, I think. I think I just need comfort. Or reassurance. Or someone to just literally be like, "Same."

Because right now it feels so loud and humiliating and impossible to get out of...

---

Edit: Thank you 💛

Currently cuddling with the dogs, listening to some tunes, and just casually browsing this time. My friend comes home soon and we're going to hang out for a bit as well.

Like, I am trying to be normal about this, but I am not going to be normal about this.

---

The official merch/posts framing abstraction as your outside reflecting your inside, and that you can come back, is exactly what so many of us have been saying.

Abstraction is not just “oops, monster now.” It is psychological collapse made visible.

It is the body becoming the scream.

The person is still in there somewhere, even when their shape has stopped being readable.

And that is why unabstraction being possible makes sense.

---

If abstraction is tied to mental state, then recovery is not some random “power of friendship” cheat code. It is part of the same metaphor.

If someone can collapse so badly that their pain changes the way they exist in the Digital Circus, then it makes sense that healing could change that state too.

Not easily. Not instantly. Not cleanly.

But possibly.

---

And that matters so much for Jax.

Because Jax was not just sad for a minute and then abstracted. He was carrying guilt, grief, fear, self-hatred, and the knowledge that Ribbit was gone because of something he did.

So, if Jax came back, I don't think it would have been quick.

He would be coming back to a world where Ribbit still is not there. He would still have to live with what happened, and with the fact that he was part of why it happened.

That is not something a hug fixes.

But that is also why the metaphor matters. Unabstraction doesn't mean “never mind, he is fine now.” It means someone who became almost impossible to reach can still be reached.

It means collapse is not the same thing as being gone forever.

And obviously, that does not erase what Jax did. It does not make Ribbit’s pain less real. It does not remove guilt, grief, harm, or consequences.

It just means his story does not have to end with “he broke, so now he is gone forever.”

---

That is what I love about this show.

Under all the bright colors and cartoon nonsense, there is such a clear thread of mental health, guilt, trauma, collapse, and what it means to still be a person when you are at your absolute worst.

---

So yeah.

Pro-unabstraction nation, we are eating today.

---

My Jax analysis (as someone in the middle): Jax is more than the worst parts of him

Like, I am trying to be normal about this, but I am not going to be normal about this.

---

The official merch/posts framing abstraction as your outside reflecting your inside, and that you can come back, is exactly what so many of us have been saying.

Abstraction is not just “oops, monster now.” It is psychological collapse made visible.

It is the body becoming the scream.

The person is still in there somewhere, even when their shape has stopped being readable.

And that is why unabstraction being possible makes sense.

---

If abstraction is tied to mental state, then recovery is not some random “power of friendship” cheat code. It is part of the same metaphor.

If someone can collapse so badly that their pain changes the way they exist in the Digital Circus, then it makes sense that healing could change that state too.

Not easily. Not instantly. Not cleanly.

But possibly.

---

And that matters so much for Jax.

Because Jax was not just sad for a minute and then abstracted. He was carrying guilt, grief, fear, self-hatred, and the knowledge that Ribbit was gone because of something he did.

So, if Jax came back, I don't think it would have been quick.

He would be coming back to a world where Ribbit still is not there. He would still have to live with what happened, and with the fact that he was part of why it happened.

That is not something a hug fixes.

But that is also why the metaphor matters. Unabstraction doesn't mean “never mind, he is fine now.” It means someone who became almost impossible to reach can still be reached.

It means collapse is not the same thing as being gone forever.

And obviously, that does not erase what Jax did. It does not make Ribbit’s pain less real. It does not remove guilt, grief, harm, or consequences.

It just means his story does not have to end with “he broke, so now he is gone forever.”

---

That is what I love about this show.

Under all the bright colors and cartoon nonsense, there is such a clear thread of mental health, guilt, trauma, collapse, and what it means to still be a person when you are at your absolute worst.

---

So yeah.

Pro-unabstraction nation, we are eating today.

---

My Jax analysis (as someone in the middle): Jax is more than the worst parts of him

CW: Disordered eating, body-image/self-loathing language, choking imagery, and erotic sexual language.

---

---

---

Eating is as close to an orgasm as you’ll ever get because you don't know how to love yourself and because your body and mind are too ugly to be loved the way you want to be loved by others.

...

Savory are for days when you need to feel something from the inside. >The salt burns your lips, coaxing saliva from your glands until it pools, warm and slick. It gathers around each bite, coating the food before your tongue drags it slowly over every sensitive bud. The mouthful slips down your throat before you finish chewing. For a moment, swallowing tightens into choking, and you enjoy not knowing the difference. This is the only time you feel alive.

Sweet are for days when the pain becomes too much and you want to make yourself feel worse, but only with something willing to make you feel good first. >You love the way sugar makes your tongue dance and your mind go blank. Your eyes roll back as the syrup slides down your throat, filling you with the sweetness you lack. You take everything it gives you before your stomach churns, disgusted by what the rest of you begged to receive. But god, do you want it again.

Smoky are for days when ignorance feels like release. >The rich aroma enters you on an inhale before the food ever touches your lips. It curls itself around your lungs, and you hold it there until the ache becomes part of the wanting. On the exhale, your tongue lolls to the side of your mouth, a strand of saliva stretching beneath it. Nothing has touched you yet. Your mouth always betrays how badly it wants to be filled.

Sour are for days when happiness and hurt touch tongues. >Your lips seal around the sharpness and hold it there as bliss surges through you. The taste bites back, and your tongue presses harder against it. Your eyes squeeze shut, tears gathering at the corners. Your body clenches— it hurts to hold it.

>Nothing stays.

>Still, you swallow.

...

Maybe you’ll cum another day.

---

---

---

A little context:
This prose poem came from an essay I wrote in college for my creative nonfiction class.

I do plan to publish one day 💛

Just...

You know...

Gotta do a little more of the living and experiencing first 😅

Does this mean that Caine can >!🍆🍑😩👉👌💦!<

canonically?

...

No reasons why I'm asking!

...

...

-starts to open up word document...-

---

Edit: I asked the same thing elsewhere...Y'all, the other subreddits just don't get it 😩

---

Edit 2: Crying because THIS is the account's top-of-all-time and not my analyzes ☠️😭

Abstraction analysis

Jax is more than the worst parts of him

VICTORY - UNABSTRACTION

Please. I don't want to be known for this 🥲

---

Re-sharing because I’m already seeing some ugly discourse cropping up in different threads as the Episode 9 discussions get going.

---

TADC EP. 9 SPOILERS

---

TL;DR: I do not hate Jax, and I do not love him. I understand him. But understanding him does not mean excusing him. To me, Jax sits in the uncomfortable space where someone can be understandable and still unacceptable. His harm is real, and the people he hurt do not owe him forgiveness or rescue. But Episode 9 also makes it hard for me to read him as simply evil or empty. I read him more as someone whose worst coping mechanism took over, and whose way back would require both outside help and his own accountability.

---

I keep trying to figure out how to word this without it sounding like I am defending Jax, because I am not. But I am also not in the “Jax is just evil and that’s it” camp either.

The closest way I can put it is that I do not hate him, I do not love him, but I understand him.

And I understand why others have such a black-and-white view on the matter.

---

The hardest part of talking about Jax is that he sits right in that uncomfortable place where someone can be understandable and still unacceptable.

Because yes, he has hurt people. A lot.

I do not think his pain erases that.

I do not think Gangle, Ragatha, Pomni, Zooble, or anyone else should have to absorb his damage because he has damage too.

That is not healing. That is just passing the harm along.

---

Everyone in the Circus is trapped. Everyone has lost something. Everyone is being pushed past what a person should have to hold.

Jax is not special because he is in pain. He is different because of what he does with it, and what he does with it is often cruel.

He pokes. He humiliates. He distances himself. He turns everything into a bit before it can become sincere. He makes people angry before they can make him vulnerable. He acts like needing people is embarrassing, like caring is weakness, like everyone else is stupid for still wanting softness in a place like that.

I get why people hate that. I really do.

But I also cannot look at him and see only the cruelty. Not because the cruelty is fake. I actually think the cruelty is very real.

I just do not think it is the whole thing.

---

I read Jax as someone whose worst coping mechanism got too much power and started calling itself his personality.

"Inside Out" is where my brain keeps going, to be honest 😅

It feels like Anger is at the control panel, Sadness is somewhere underneath it, and the avoidant part is deciding what is allowed to reach the surface.

That avoidant part seems to operate on a few rules:

• push them away first

• make the joke first

• act like you do not care first

• make them hate you before they can leave you

• keep it funny enough that it never has to be honest

• keep it mean enough that no one gets close enough to see what is actually under there

And unfortunately, that part of him is loud. It is effective. It gets results. It keeps people away.

But keeping people away is not the same thing as being safe.

That is where I think Jax went wrong. Not in a “one bad choice” way, but in a “this became the way he survived for too long” way.

Maybe at some point, being detached helped. Maybe being funny helped. Maybe being cruel made things feel less dangerous because at least then he was the one controlling the distance.

But then the defense became the problem. The armor started hurting everyone who got near it.

I think that is why people argue about him so much.

Some people see the armor and say, “Look how much damage it does.” And they are right.

Then other people see the person trapped inside it and say, “But there is someone in there.” And I think they are also right.

Both things can be true. Messy, but more honest.

---

Episode 9 makes it harder for me to say there is nothing left of him.

Pomni entering Jax does not feel like entering an empty monster; it feels like entering a mind that has broken into too many defensive rooms.

There are pieces of him in there. Not separate people, exactly. Not random hallucinations either. More like versions of him that learned different ways to survive.

That is why the Jax under the streetlight stands out to me.

I do not read that version as “secret innocent Jax” or “the only real Jax.” I do not think the mean parts are fake. I do not think the awful things he did magically belong to some other version of him. That would be too easy.

But I do think the streetlight version feels like the least defended version Pomni can reach. Not fixed, not ready, and not saved. Just reachable.

And that still matters.

---

That also fits with how I read abstraction in general.

I do not really read it as “the person is gone.” I read it more like the person is still there, but buried under something no one can reach normally anymore. They are not accessible in the way they used to be.

The self is still somewhere inside it, but everything has become too loud, too broken, too defended, too much.

With Jax, that makes sense to me because he was already hard to reach before he abstracted. He had already built so much distance between himself and everyone else that by the time he falls apart, it almost feels like the outside finally matches the inside.

The thing he kept hidden becomes impossible to hide

---

I also think this is why darkness matters.

Queenie being calmed by darkness always felt important, but after Episode 9, I have a harder time reading it as only “put the dangerous thing away.” It feels more like regulation, too: less noise, less pressure, less of the world forcing itself in when someone has already gone past what they can handle.

That does not make darkness a cure. It does not make containment automatically kind. It does not make the problem solved.

But it does suggest that something inside the abstracted person can still respond to quiet, safety, and reduced demand.

With Jax, maybe that is what gives Pomni enough room to reach in.

And that is the thing: outside help matters.

...

I do think Jax needs help from outside himself.

I do not think someone can be that defended, that isolated, that far inside their own collapse, and simply logic their way out alone.

Someone has to show him that there is still a way back.

But outside help cannot come back for him.

Pomni can reach. She can keep the door open. She can show him that he is not completely gone. But she cannot do the returning for him.

At some point, Jax has to reach back.

---

I do not mean that in a blamey way.

I do not mean “he should have just chosen healing sooner” or whatever.

That is not how collapse works. That is not how trauma works. That is not how parts of a person work when one part has been running everything for too long.

I just mean that if he comes back, it has to include him.

Some part of him has to accept that the mean part was trying to protect him, but it cannot stay in charge. Some part of him has to admit that pushing everyone away did not save him. Some part of him has to face that being understandable does not undo the harm. Some part of him has to want something other than the role.

Not perfectly. Not instantly. Maybe not even in some big speech.

Maybe just the smallest honest moment of:
I am tired of being this.

That, to me, would be the beginning.

Not “I am good now.” Not “everyone should forgive me now.” Not “actually none of it was my fault.”

Just:
I am tired of letting this part drive.

---

I think that is why I get him, even though I do not relate to the way he acts.

I am not Jax. My avoidance goes a different direction.

Mine is more sad, frozen, foggy, quiet, overthinking, disappear-before-you-can-be-too-much energy.

His is angry avoidant. Sharp avoidant. Make-yourself-untouchable-before-anyone-can-touch-the-wound avoidant.

But I understand the idea of parts.

I understand having something in you that thinks it is protecting you, even when it is also limiting you. I understand not feeling completely together. I understand being hard to reach and still being there.

---

So no, I do not think Jax is innocent.

I do not think people are wrong for being angry at him. I do not think his pain should matter more than the pain of the people he hurt.

But I also do not think the worst part of him is the whole person.

That is the balance I keep landing on.

---

Jax’s way back, if he has one, cannot be about proving he was secretly sweet the entire time.

It cannot be about the others immediately forgiving him because he finally broke down where they could see it. It cannot be Pomni hugging the problem out of him.

It would have to be uglier and slower than that.

He would have to be held accountable and still allowed to find his way back. He would have to accept that the cruelty had a function, but that function is not allowed to run his life anymore.

It would have to be the angry part, the ashamed part, the grieving part, the performing part, and whatever softer part is still under all of that learning how to exist closer together without one of them taking over the whole self.

And maybe that is why Jax is so divisive.

Because he asks the audience to hold two truths that do not sit comfortably together:

• He is responsible for the harm he caused.

• And he is still someone worth reaching.

Not everyone has to want to reach him. Not everyone has to be Pomni. And the people hurt by someone’s worst parts do not owe that person endless patience, forgiveness, or a way back.

But I understand why Pomni reached.

---

There is something that hits hard about someone seeing you at your ugliest and still knowing that is not all of you.

Sometimes the person who reaches did not deserve to be hurt by you. Sometimes they should not have had to be there. Sometimes accountability means knowing that, too.

But still, when someone can look at the worst part that took over and say, “I know this is not all of you,” that can matter.

Not because it erases the harm.

Because it gives you something to be accountable from.

Something that can come back. Something that can apologize. Something that can do better.

Not instantly. Not cleanly. Not without responsibility.

But maybe enough to begin 💛

CW: Disordered eating, body-image/self-loathing language, choking imagery, and erotic sexual language.

---

---

---

Eating is as close to an orgasm as you’ll ever get because you don't know how to love yourself and because your body and mind are too ugly to be loved the way you hunger to be loved by others.

Savory are for days when you need to feel something from the inside.

The salt burns your lips, coaxing saliva from your glands until it pools, warm and slick. It gathers around each bite, coating the food before your tongue drags it slowly over every sensitive bud. The mouthful slips down your throat before you finish chewing. For a moment, swallowing tightens into choking, and you enjoy not knowing the difference. This is the only time you feel alive.

Sweet are for days when the pain becomes too much and you want to make yourself feel worse, but only with something willing to make you feel good first.

You love the way sugar makes your tongue dance and your mind go blank. Your eyes roll back as the syrup slides down your throat, filling you with the sweetness you lack. You take everything it gives you before your stomach churns, disgusted by what the rest of you begged to receive. But god, do you want it again.

Smoky are for days when ignorance feels like release.

The rich aroma enters you on an inhale before the food ever touches your lips. It curls itself around your lungs, and you hold it there until the ache becomes part of the wanting. On the exhale, your tongue lolls to the side of your mouth, a strand of saliva stretching beneath it. Nothing has touched you yet. Your mouth always betrays how badly it wants to be filled.

Sour are for days when happiness and hurt touch tongues.

Your lips seal around the sharpness and hold it there as bliss surges through you. The taste bites back, and your tongue presses harder against it. Your eyes squeeze shut, tears gathering at the corners. Your body clenches around happiness. It hurts to hold it. You do anyway.

Nothing stays.

Still, you swallow.

Maybe you’ll cum another day.

---

---

---

A little context:
This prose poem came from an essay I wrote in college for my creative nonfiction class.

I do plan to publish the full piece one day 💛

Just...

You know...

Gotta do a little more of the living and experiencing first 😅

TADC EP. 9 SPOILERS

---

TL;DR: I do not hate Jax, and I do not love him. I understand him. But understanding him does not mean excusing him. To me, Jax sits in the uncomfortable space where someone can be understandable and still unacceptable. His harm is real, and the people he hurt do not owe him forgiveness or rescue. But Episode 9 also makes it hard for me to read him as simply evil or empty. I read him more as someone whose worst coping mechanism took over, and whose way back would require both outside help and his own accountability.

---

I keep trying to figure out how to word this without it sounding like I am defending Jax, because I am not. But I am also not in the “Jax is just evil and that’s it” camp either.

The closest way I can put it is that I do not hate him, I do not love him, but I understand him.

And I understand why others have such a black-and-white view on the matter.

---

The hardest part of talking about Jax is that he sits right in that uncomfortable place where someone can be understandable and still unacceptable.

Because yes, he has hurt people. A lot.

I do not think his pain erases that.

I do not think Gangle, Ragatha, Pomni, Zooble, or anyone else should have to absorb his damage because he has damage too.

That is not healing. That is just passing the harm along.

---

Everyone in the Circus is trapped. Everyone has lost something. Everyone is being pushed past what a person should have to hold.

Jax is not special because he is in pain. He is different because of what he does with it, and what he does with it is often cruel.

He pokes. He humiliates. He distances himself. He turns everything into a bit before it can become sincere. He makes people angry before they can make him vulnerable. He acts like needing people is embarrassing, like caring is weakness, like everyone else is stupid for still wanting softness in a place like that.

I get why people hate that. I really do.

But I also cannot look at him and see only the cruelty. Not because the cruelty is fake. I actually think the cruelty is very real.

I just do not think it is the whole thing.

---

I read Jax as someone whose worst coping mechanism got too much power and started calling itself his personality.

"Inside Out" is where my brain keeps going, to be honest 😅

It feels like Anger is at the control panel, Sadness is somewhere underneath it, and the avoidant part is deciding what is allowed to reach the surface.

That avoidant part seems to operate on a few rules:

• push them away first
• make the joke first
• act like you do not care first
• make them hate you before they can leave you
• keep it funny enough that it never has to be honest
• keep it mean enough that no one gets close enough to see what is actually under there

And unfortunately, that part of him is loud. It is effective. It gets results. It keeps people away.

But keeping people away is not the same thing as being safe.

That is where I think Jax went wrong. Not in a “one bad choice” way, but in a “this became the way he survived for too long” way.

Maybe at some point, being detached helped. Maybe being funny helped. Maybe being cruel made things feel less dangerous because at least then he was the one controlling the distance.

But then the defense became the problem. The armor started hurting everyone who got near it.

I think that is why people argue about him so much.

Some people see the armor and say, “Look how much damage it does.” And they are right.

Then other people see the person trapped inside it and say, “But there is someone in there.” And I think they are also right.

Both things can be true. Messy, but more honest.

---

Episode 9 makes it harder for me to say there is nothing left of him.

Pomni entering Jax does not feel like entering an empty monster; it feels like entering a mind that has broken into too many defensive rooms.

There are pieces of him in there. Not separate people, exactly. Not random hallucinations either. More like versions of him that learned different ways to survive.

That is why the Jax under the streetlight stands out to me.

I do not read that version as “secret innocent Jax” or “the only real Jax.” I do not think the mean parts are fake. I do not think the awful things he did magically belong to some other version of him. That would be too easy.

But I do think the streetlight version feels like the least defended version Pomni can reach. Not fixed, not ready, and not saved. Just reachable.

And that still matters.

---

That also fits with how I read abstraction in general.

I do not really read it as “the person is gone.” I read it more like the person is still there, but buried under something no one can reach normally anymore. They are not accessible in the way they used to be.

The self is still somewhere inside it, but everything has become too loud, too broken, too defended, too much.

With Jax, that makes sense to me because he was already hard to reach before he abstracted. He had already built so much distance between himself and everyone else that by the time he falls apart, it almost feels like the outside finally matches the inside.

The thing he kept hidden becomes impossible to hide

---

I also think this is why darkness matters.

Queenie being calmed by darkness always felt important, but after Episode 9, I have a harder time reading it as only “put the dangerous thing away.” It feels more like regulation, too: less noise, less pressure, less of the world forcing itself in when someone has already gone past what they can handle.

That does not make darkness a cure. It does not make containment automatically kind. It does not make the problem solved.

But it does suggest that something inside the abstracted person can still respond to quiet, safety, and reduced demand.

With Jax, maybe that is what gives Pomni enough room to reach in.

And that is the thing: outside help matters.

...

I do think Jax needs help from outside himself.

I do not think someone can be that defended, that isolated, that far inside their own collapse, and simply logic their way out alone.

Someone has to show him that there is still a way back.

But outside help cannot come back for him.

Pomni can reach. She can keep the door open. She can show him that he is not completely gone. But she cannot do the returning for him.

At some point, Jax has to reach back.

---

I do not mean that in a blamey way.

I do not mean “he should have just chosen healing sooner” or whatever.

That is not how collapse works. That is not how trauma works. That is not how parts of a person work when one part has been running everything for too long.

I just mean that if he comes back, it has to include him.

Some part of him has to accept that the mean part was trying to protect him, but it cannot stay in charge. Some part of him has to admit that pushing everyone away did not save him. Some part of him has to face that being understandable does not undo the harm. Some part of him has to want something other than the role.

Not perfectly. Not instantly. Maybe not even in some big speech.

Maybe just the smallest honest moment of: I am tired of being this.

That, to me, would be the beginning.

Not “I am good now.” Not “everyone should forgive me now.” Not “actually none of it was my fault.”

Just: I am tired of letting this part drive.

---

I think that is why I get him, even though I do not relate to the way he acts.

I am not Jax. My avoidance goes a different direction.

Mine is more sad, frozen, foggy, quiet, overthinking, disappear-before-you-can-be-too-much energy.

His is angry avoidant. Sharp avoidant. Make-yourself-untouchable-before-anyone-can-touch-the-wound avoidant.

But I understand the idea of parts.

I understand having something in you that thinks it is protecting you, even when it is also limiting you. I understand not feeling completely together. I understand being hard to reach and still being there.

---

So no, I do not think Jax is innocent.

I do not think people are wrong for being angry at him. I do not think his pain should matter more than the pain of the people he hurt.

But I also do not think the worst part of him is the whole person.

That is the balance I keep landing on.

---

Jax’s way back, if he has one, cannot be about proving he was secretly sweet the entire time.

It cannot be about the others immediately forgiving him because he finally broke down where they could see it. It cannot be Pomni hugging the problem out of him.

It would have to be uglier and slower than that.

He would have to be held accountable and still allowed to find his way back. He would have to accept that the cruelty had a function, but that function is not allowed to run his life anymore.

It would have to be the angry part, the ashamed part, the grieving part, the performing part, and whatever softer part is still under all of that learning how to exist closer together without one of them taking over the whole self.

And maybe that is why Jax is so divisive.

Because he asks the audience to hold two truths that do not sit comfortably together:

• He is responsible for the harm he caused.
• And he is still someone worth reaching.

Not everyone has to want to reach him. Not everyone has to be Pomni. And the people hurt by someone’s worst parts do not owe that person endless patience, forgiveness, or a way back.

But I understand why Pomni reached.

---

There is something that hits hard about someone seeing you at your ugliest and still knowing that is not all of you.

Sometimes the person who reaches did not deserve to be hurt by you. Sometimes they should not have had to be there. Sometimes accountability means knowing that, too.

But still, when someone can look at the worst part that took over and say, “I know this is not all of you,” that can matter.

Not because it erases the harm.   Because it gives you something to be accountable from.

Something that can come back. Something that can apologize. Something that can do better.

Not instantly. Not cleanly. Not without responsibility.

But maybe enough to begin 💛

TADC EP. 9 SPOILERS

---

TL;DR: I do not hate Jax, and I do not love him. I understand him. But understanding him does not mean excusing him. To me, Jax sits in the uncomfortable space where someone can be understandable and still unacceptable. His harm is real, and the people he hurt do not owe him forgiveness or rescue. But Episode 9 also makes it hard for me to read him as simply evil or empty. I read him more as someone whose worst coping mechanism took over, and whose way back would require both outside help and his own accountability.

---

I keep trying to figure out how to word this without it sounding like I am defending Jax, because I am not. But I am also not in the “Jax is just evil and that’s it” camp either.

The closest way I can put it is that I do not hate him, I do not love him, but I understand him.

And I understand why others have such a black-and-white view on the matter.

---

The hardest part of talking about Jax is that he sits right in that uncomfortable place where someone can be understandable and still unacceptable.

Because yes, he has hurt people. A lot.

I do not think his pain erases that.

I do not think Gangle, Ragatha, Pomni, Zooble, or anyone else should have to absorb his damage because he has damage too.

That is not healing. That is just passing the harm along.

---

Everyone in the Circus is trapped. Everyone has lost something. Everyone is being pushed past what a person should have to hold.

Jax is not special because he is in pain. He is different because of what he does with it, and what he does with it is often cruel.

He pokes. He humiliates. He distances himself. He turns everything into a bit before it can become sincere. He makes people angry before they can make him vulnerable. He acts like needing people is embarrassing, like caring is weakness, like everyone else is stupid for still wanting softness in a place like that.

I get why people hate that. I really do.

But I also cannot look at him and see only the cruelty. Not because the cruelty is fake. I actually think the cruelty is very real.

I just do not think it is the whole thing.

---

I read Jax as someone whose worst coping mechanism got too much power and started calling itself his personality.

"Inside Out" is where my brain keeps going, to be honest 😅

It feels like Anger is at the control panel, Sadness is somewhere underneath it, and the avoidant part is deciding what is allowed to reach the surface.

That avoidant part seems to operate on a few rules:

• push them away first
• make the joke first
• act like you do not care first
• make them hate you before they can leave you
• keep it funny enough that it never has to be honest
• keep it mean enough that no one gets close enough to see what is actually under there

And unfortunately, that part of him is loud. It is effective. It gets results. It keeps people away.

But keeping people away is not the same thing as being safe.

That is where I think Jax went wrong. Not in a “one bad choice” way, but in a “this became the way he survived for too long” way.

Maybe at some point, being detached helped. Maybe being funny helped. Maybe being cruel made things feel less dangerous because at least then he was the one controlling the distance.

But then the defense became the problem. The armor started hurting everyone who got near it.

I think that is why people argue about him so much.

Some people see the armor and say, “Look how much damage it does.” And they are right.

Then other people see the person trapped inside it and say, “But there is someone in there.” And I think they are also right.

Both things can be true. Messy, but more honest.

---

Episode 9 makes it harder for me to say there is nothing left of him.

Pomni entering Jax does not feel like entering an empty monster; it feels like entering a mind that has broken into too many defensive rooms.

There are pieces of him in there. Not separate people, exactly. Not random hallucinations either. More like versions of him that learned different ways to survive.

That is why the Jax under the streetlight stands out to me.

I do not read that version as “secret innocent Jax” or “the only real Jax.” I do not think the mean parts are fake. I do not think the awful things he did magically belong to some other version of him. That would be too easy.

But I do think the streetlight version feels like the least defended version Pomni can reach. Not fixed, not ready, and not saved. Just reachable.

And that still matters.

---

That also fits with how I read abstraction in general.

I do not really read it as “the person is gone.” I read it more like the person is still there, but buried under something no one can reach normally anymore. They are not accessible in the way they used to be.

The self is still somewhere inside it, but everything has become too loud, too broken, too defended, too much.

With Jax, that makes sense to me because he was already hard to reach before he abstracted. He had already built so much distance between himself and everyone else that by the time he falls apart, it almost feels like the outside finally matches the inside.

The thing he kept hidden becomes impossible to hide

---

I also think this is why darkness matters.

Queenie being calmed by darkness always felt important, but after Episode 9, I have a harder time reading it as only “put the dangerous thing away.” It feels more like regulation, too: less noise, less pressure, less of the world forcing itself in when someone has already gone past what they can handle.

That does not make darkness a cure. It does not make containment automatically kind. It does not make the problem solved.

But it does suggest that something inside the abstracted person can still respond to quiet, safety, and reduced demand.

With Jax, maybe that is what gives Pomni enough room to reach in.

And that is the thing: outside help matters.

...

I do think Jax needs help from outside himself. I do not think someone can be that defended, that isolated, that far inside their own collapse, and simply logic their way out alone. Someone has to show him that there is still a way back.

But outside help cannot come back for him.

Pomni can reach. She can keep the door open. She can show him that he is not completely gone. But she cannot do the returning for him.

At some point, Jax has to reach back.

---

I do not mean that in a blamey way. I do not mean “he should have just chosen healing sooner” or whatever. That is not how collapse works. That is not how trauma works. That is not how parts of a person work when one part has been running everything for too long.

I just mean that if he comes back, it has to include him.

Some part of him has to accept that the mean part was trying to protect him, but it cannot stay in charge. Some part of him has to admit that pushing everyone away did not save him. Some part of him has to face that being understandable does not undo the harm. Some part of him has to want something other than the role.

Not perfectly. Not instantly. Maybe not even in some big speech.

Maybe just the smallest honest moment of: I am tired of being this.

That, to me, would be the beginning.

Not “I am good now.” Not “everyone should forgive me now.” Not “actually none of it was my fault.”

Just: I am tired of letting this part drive.

---

I think that is why I get him, even though I do not relate to the way he acts.

I am not Jax. My avoidance goes a different direction.

Mine is more sad, frozen, foggy, quiet, overthinking, disappear-before-you-can-be-too-much energy.

His is angry avoidant. Sharp avoidant. Make-yourself-untouchable-before-anyone-can-touch-the-wound avoidant.

But I understand the idea of parts.

I understand having something in you that thinks it is protecting you, even when it is also limiting you. I understand not feeling completely together. I understand being hard to reach and still being there.

---

So no, I do not think Jax is innocent. I do not think people are wrong for being angry at him. I do not think his pain should matter more than the pain of the people he hurt.

But I also do not think the worst part of him is the whole person.

That is the balance I keep landing on.

---

Jax’s way back, if he has one, cannot be about proving he was secretly sweet the entire time. It cannot be about the others immediately forgiving him because he finally broke down where they could see it. It cannot be Pomni hugging the problem out of him.

It would have to be uglier and slower than that.

He would have to be held accountable and still allowed to find his way back. He would have to accept that the cruelty had a function, but that function is not allowed to run his life anymore.

It would have to be the angry part, the ashamed part, the grieving part, the performing part, and whatever softer part is still under all of that learning how to exist closer together without one of them taking over the whole self.

And maybe that is why Jax is so divisive.

Because he asks the audience to hold two truths that do not sit comfortably together:

• He is responsible for the harm he caused.
• And he is still someone worth reaching.

Not everyone has to want to reach him. Not everyone has to be Pomni. And the people hurt by someone’s worst parts do not owe that person endless patience, forgiveness, or a way back.

But I understand why Pomni reached.

---

There is something that hits hard about someone seeing you at your ugliest and still knowing that is not all of you.

Sometimes the person who reaches did not deserve to be hurt by you. Sometimes they should not have had to be there. Sometimes accountability means knowing that, too.   But still, when someone can look at the worst part that took over and say, “I know this is not all of you,” that can matter.

Not because it erases the harm.   Because it gives you something to be accountable from.

Something that can come back. Something that can apologize. Something that can do better.

Not instantly. Not cleanly. Not without responsibility.

But maybe enough to begin 💛