u/5thClone

For reference, I know how I'm handling my thoughts and emotions are wrong but I need to type them down so I can work towards being a better host. These will be based on my unhealthy thought processes:

To all the alters in my/our system.

I don't understand you.

I don't get you.

I thought our brain created this system so we can function in this world and yet I feel like you all would rather sit around and do nothing than help.

You don't talk to me. We don't talk. I can't tell if you just can't talk to me or if you just won't.

You show up, do your task, and leave.

This is helpful except when you hardly show up in the worst scenarios where I need support the most. I was nearly homeless and had to be signing the papers alone but then someone will front just because I got overstimulated by the grocery store.

I finally had an alter show up that speaks to me and helped me get through work which I struggle to get through. But then the last few days, you hardly showed up. And when you did, I cussed you out. I felt so betrayed and hurt. Why doesn't my support system help me when I need them the most.

And yet, despite taking on most of the work, I can't claim anything as my own, I need to say ours or we as if we are equals. It doesn't feel like we are. It feels like the body is a house and it is the house I pay for and take care of while my roommates sit around and say nothing to me.

I know I'm not more real than the other alters. I know they are more than just tools. But I still can't help but feel so betrayed by them all. I can't stop myself from resenting them.

It feels like they exist to be worthless and make me confused about my identity. But I know how wrong that is.

My boyfriend tells me to be nicer to all of them but it is so hard when I feel so alone.

It is so hard.

I know I'm wrong but I don't know what to do. How do I stop this toxic mentality when knowing better isn't enough?