u/Admirable_Quarter400

I end of texting and in some cases even calling people and being very weird about it. People I will never disclose my diagnosis.

So in their eyes I'm weird as fuck, I hope I never see them in a social event again.

My very limited close friends understand when I used to say unhinged shit because I've explained my diagnosis.

But those I'll not tell them about BD must think I'm a freak or an idiot and they will tell other people how they percieve me and it makes me anxious as fuck.

https://preview.redd.it/1jbfay0zveih1.png?width=1080&format=png&auto=webp&s=618ffd8de5fd604f282b0da0ee25aa2e62dd2fdd

I hate being bipolar, but, I feel it would be worse to just having chronic depression.

I'd appreciate people reading this. It's long so I will indicate what a paragraph is roughly about, and you can read only the ones you feel like. At the end, please clap.

Mania, the drug.

Mania is my favorite drug. Feels so good, I know the consequences and shame of your maniactions (manic actions) dig you into a deeper depression when the episode ends. But if i only had depression, I'd never have gotten that high. I plan of continuing my medication regimen for the rest of my life and to never have another manic episode and do my best to have as a mild as I can depressive times. But still, it felt so good those times i had it, and I used to believe that those highs were worth the gloomies on steroids aftermath. I still kinda do, but I'll do my hardest to be stable and never have bipolar euphoria, I want regular occasional euphoria that you get by having a good life.

27, still dependent on parents, + my Mexican experience (without a future I feel)

I’m also struggling with living with my parents, I'm already 27. At least most of my friends still live also with their parents. Makes me not feel THAT BIG of a loser. In this country, a decent job in doesn’t guarantee you will be able to afford a place of your own. But makes me think, If they (most young couples with higher education needed jobs) aren’t being able to afford living on their own what about me? I have no savings, I only work entry level jobs. Will I ever be able to afford a decent apartment for my own???

Current job situation + stupid idea.

Ive been thinking (But I know I'll never do) , of crossing the border illegally and get a berry picking job in the US, pls don't judge but the economy here really sucks, that's why you get so many mexicans look for even low paying jobs on the other side of the border.

I miss my car. RIP to a real one, I may never have that special bond I had with another one 🚘.

Also I had a car, an entry level car but still loved that fucker, then I had a bad crash and I that little rascal wasn't able to recover so it was shot like a horse to die and not live a miserable life. It was bought to me by grandparents + parents chipping money together. My dad said he would hold to the insurance money and later would give it to me for another car, but I was institutionalized and my parents paid for it, and said that sadly the car insurance money went there. I hold no grudges against them for that, I actually feel bad because of the spent money on my 4 months vacation on the looney recovery center.

Friend are like seasons for me (they come and go). Will I embrace the loner life forever?

I don't have friends anymore because of my painful to think about manic episode. I was someone of little social life when growing up. That changed when I started uni, I opened up, I became someone different, friends I made didn't believe that I was a loner until recently. (In my main friend group, I felt like the "leader?" and I know other felt that way. I say I don't need friends to enjoy life, (and I geniuny believe its true, but sometimes I wonder if its a coping mechanism). When I was a kid and was asked what I wanted to be, I always said a hermit living in a cave, little contact with the outside world. So I don't know if I'll try to get my lost friends back.



Heart (not love related) problems

Something I’m kinda cheesed off is my heart. I have chronic cardiovascular problems and after some years of being treated, I just chose to abandon that treatment and just not think about it. But recently I’ve become paranoid of just dropping dead because my bad physical health, so I made an appointment with a specialized clinic, to check if my problems have increased or if I'm just as bad as before and if i should return to being medicated. My parents pay for my psych sessions and I thought I would talk to them about me wanting to return to treatment, and asked them if they’d pay for that doctor visit,(It’s 50 dollars because I looked for cheap options but still good doctors and found this clinic rated very good, but also cheap because of government subsidies but tjey said no and I cancelled my appointment. They argued that I dont care of my health byexause of my cigarrete smoking. Felt so bad, I know this to be true, but I also wanted a Dr to tell me that I need to quit cigaretes immefiatly if I want to have a decently long life. I used to live by the mac miller school of thought of “I don’t wanna grow old, so I smoke just in case”, but lately I’ve been afraid of a short miserable life.

Literary me ^

Sounded ungrateful, I'm not.

Really, I'm so grateful that my parents help of my mental health, Makes me realize they sill love me. Still, having my parents buy me my meds feels shitty. I try to reduce how big of a burden I am. When my psych said it may help to change from IR quetiapine to XR quetiapine, I quickly looked at the prices ($27 USD vs $60 USD) and told him I'd really prefer the cheaper option. He agreed it was the best decision for my mental health to feel the as least as possible like a economic leech.

🇲🇽Jobs🇲🇽 Pt 2.

Remote jobs were a good option here because out of the country businesses paid relalower wages here than other countries, but the law changed and remote jobs were no longer classified as part time (no matter the hours) and employers had to start paying taxes and public health care plans and stuff. They went looking for other options.

It was a win-win for both parties, companies paid lower wages that they would pay a US worker and we got paid more than local jobs pay here.
Obviously remote jobs are still available but they pay less than they used to because of the newer taxes.

Government help.

Mental health public help is being discussed and our president (wont glaze or diss her) appears to be moving in the right direction to improve public health.

But even if it happens I would feel bad taking it.I'd still prefer a job (also the economic help they'd give would be lower.) And more importanly there are people than really need it so much more than me.

Sadly a big part of the population suffers from poverty. I don't at all, I'm able to live with my parents, have water, have food, all and more someone needs to live.

There are some many awful cases here, I once went to an alcohol store when I had my own earned money, and had friends to party with, and I still didn't t realize alcohol sometimes induced mania.
Outside of rhe store there was a guy asking for money while he looked after your parked car. I gave him some coins and he said, can I ask you for something?
I thought , "oh no he is going to ask for alcohol", and I don't know if I’d feel good buying that for him, but he asked for a small soda,
I returned to the store and bought him two large ones. He was so grateful and I stayed a bit to talk to him. He told me about how he was a construction worker and after an accident he became partially paralyzed, so he did what he can to earn some money, and also he waited for his wife that was a cashier on a nearby walmart.

I enjoyed so much when I went for alcohol and bought him some soda and we talked a bit. One time when I was with him he asked me to stay for 10 minutes or so longer, I did and his wife that was in a break came to us and she was so nice and told me how much her husband loves when I by him some soda. My heart filled so much with him wanting me to meet his wife. I bought alcohol there because if you buy it in a supermarket its slightly more expensive, but sadly as I no longer drink, I lost those little moments with him.

I forgot but I wanted to say, he was a construction worker that got paralyzed after an accident so that's why he was in a wheelchair asking for help. He was not lazy, the chances of him getting another job are so bad. Would I feel good of accepting financial help from the government when there is so many people like him that need it way more?

Manic = Maniac.

Last thing I wanna say, in Spanish the word for manic, is the same for maniac. So I would never admit to someone that I have “maniac” episodes because shit you see in the news of “maniac kills entire family and eats his cat". Never when you see that word used in the news its because of a bipolar diagnosis but because a non-medical use of the term maniac/manic.

It would be easy to for us to use different words, "manico", and "maniaco", but mental health is dismissed by the some of the population here 🇲🇽, because of a dying, but still “macho culture”.

We fight different battles, still wish Da Maniac the best.

Music

Returning to the BD > just basic depression, music. When depressed, never want to hear music, and If I do, it sounds so dull, on mania its so heavenly that it has made me cry. Best mania symptom. If I was just depressed I would have known that music is way more powerful than I thought.

Hope you had a good read. Tip your waitress and drive safe!

Thank for for reading and if you need someone to hear your problems, I'll do it, even though I'm not the kind right of person to give advice/help.

I hate being bipolar, but, I feel it would be worse to just having chronic depression.

I'd appreciate people reading this. It's long so I will indicate what a paragraph is roughly about, and you can read only the ones you feel like. At the end, please clap.

https://preview.redd.it/v35abrn74aeh1.png?width=800&format=png&auto=webp&s=fc515b70036af0f2add50104d04cb3fe66544c51

Mania, the drug.

Mania is my favorite drug. Feels so good, I know the consequences and shame of your maniactions (manic actions) dig you into a deeper depression when the episode ends. But if i only had depression, I'd never have gotten that high. I plan of continuing my medication regimen for the rest of my life and to never have another manic episode and do my best to have as a mild as I can depressive times. But still, it felt so good those times i had it, and I used to believe that those highs were worth the gloomies on steroids aftermath. I still kinda do, but I'll do my hardest to be stable and never have bipolar euphoria, I want regular occasional euphoria that you get by having a good life.

27, still dependent on parents, + my Mexican experience (without a future I feel)

I’m also struggling with living with my parents, I'm already 27. At least most of my friends still live also with their parents. Makes me not feel THAT BIG of a loser. In this country, a decent job in doesn’t guarantee you will be able to afford a place of your own. But makes me think, If they (most young couples with higher education needed jobs) aren’t being able to afford living on their own what about me? I have no savings, I only work entry level jobs. Will I ever be able to afford a decent apartment for my own???

Current job situation + stupid idea.

Ive been thinking (But I know I'll never do) , of crossing the border illegally and get a berry picking job in the US, pls don't judge but the economy here really sucks, that's why you get so many mexicans look for even low paying jobs on the other side of the border.

I miss my car. RIP to a real one, I may never have that special bond I had with another one 🚘.

Also I had a car, an entry level car but still loved that fucker, then I had a bad crash and I that little rascal wasn't able to recover so it was shot like a horse to die and not live a miserable life. It was bought to me by grandparents + parents chipping money together. My dad said he would hold to the insurance money and later would give it to me for another car, but I was institutionalized and my parents paid for it, and said that sadly the car insurance money went there. I hold no grudges against them for that, I actually feel bad because of the spent money on my 4 months vacation on the looney recovery center.

Friend are like seasons for me (they come and go). Will I embrace the loner life forever?

I don't have friends anymore because of my painful to think about manic episode. I was someone of little social life when growing up. That changed when I started uni, I opened up, I became someone different, friends I made didn't believe that I was a loner until recently. (In my main friend group, I felt like the "leader?" and I know other felt that way. I say I don't need friends to enjoy life, (and I geniuny believe its true, but sometimes I wonder if its a coping mechanism). When I was a kid and was asked what I wanted to be, I always said a hermit living in a cave, little contact with the outside world. So I don't know if I'll try to get my lost friends back.

https://preview.redd.it/vpv6m48f4aeh1.png?width=419&format=png&auto=webp&s=820bcd0e0f1a19af5c2bac101779f0b3092879c1



Heart (not love related) problems

Something I’m kinda cheesed off is my heart. I have chronic cardiovascular problems and after some years of being treated, I just chose to abandon that treatment and just not think about it. But recently I’ve become paranoid of just dropping dead because my bad physical health, so I made an appointment with a specialized clinic, to check if my problems have increased or if I'm just as bad as before and if i should return to being medicated. My parents pay for my psych sessions and I thought I would talk to them about me wanting to return to treatment, and asked them if they’d pay for that doctor visit,(It’s 50 dollars because I looked for cheap options but still good doctors and found this clinic rated very good, but also cheap because of government subsidies but tjey said no and I cancelled my appointment. They argued that I dont care of my health byexause of my cigarrete smoking. Felt so bad, I know this to be true, but I also wanted a Dr to tell me that I need to quit cigaretes immefiatly if I want to have a decently long life. I used to live by the mac miller school of thought of “I don’t wanna grow old, so I smoke just in case”, but lately I’ve been afraid of a short miserable life.

https://preview.redd.it/j3ffj0pi4aeh1.png?width=960&format=png&auto=webp&s=f1ed4422779c5ea972a98829074558f6bfa4bb17

Literary me ^

Sounded ungrateful, I'm not.

Really, I'm so grateful that my parents help of my mental health, Makes me realize they sill love me. Still, having my parents buy me my meds feels shitty. I try to reduce how big of a burden I am. When my psych said it may help to change from IR quetiapine to XR quetiapine, I quickly looked at the prices ($27 USD vs $60 USD) and told him I'd really prefer the cheaper option. He agreed it was the best decision for my mental health to feel the as least as possible like a economic leech.

🇲🇽Jobs🇲🇽 Pt 2.

Remote jobs were a good option here because out of the country businesses paid relalower wages here than other countries, but the law changed and remote jobs were no longer classified as part time (no matter the hours) and employers had to start paying taxes and public health care plans and stuff. They went looking for other options.

It was a win-win for both parties, companies paid lower wages that they would pay a US worker and we got paid more than local jobs pay here.
Obviously remote jobs are still available but they pay less than they used to because of the newer taxes.

Government help.

Mental health public help is being discussed and our president (wont glaze or diss her) appears to be moving in the right direction to improve public health.

But even if it happens I would feel bad taking it.I'd still prefer a job (also the economic help they'd give would be lower.) And more importanly there are people than really need it so much more than me.

Sadly a big part of the population suffers from poverty. I don't at all, I'm able to live with my parents, have water, have food, all and more someone needs to live.

There are some many awful cases here, I once went to an alcohol store when I had my own earned money, and had friends to party with, and I still didn't t realize alcohol sometimes induced mania.
Outside of rhe store there was a guy asking for money while he looked after your parked car. I gave him some coins and he said, can I ask you for something?
I thought , "oh no he is going to ask for alcohol", and I don't know if I’d feel good buying that for him, but he asked for a small soda,
I returned to the store and bought him two large ones. He was so grateful and I stayed a bit to talk to him. He told me about how he was a construction worker and after an accident he became partially paralyzed, so he did what he can to earn some money, and also he waited for his wife that was a cashier on a nearby walmart.

I enjoyed so much when I went for alcohol and bought him some soda and we talked a bit. One time when I was with him he asked me to stay for 10 minutes or so longer, I did and his wife that was in a break came to us and she was so nice and told me how much her husband loves when I by him some soda. My heart filled so much with him wanting me to meet his wife. I bought alcohol there because if you buy it in a supermarket its slightly more expensive, but sadly as I no longer drink, I lost those little moments with him.

I forgot but I wanted to say, he was a construction worker that got paralyzed after an accident so that's why he was in a wheelchair asking for help. He was not lazy, the chances of him getting another job are so bad. Would I feel good of accepting financial help from the government when there is so many people like him that need it way more?

Manic = Maniac.

Last thing I wanna say, in Spanish the word for manic, is the same for maniac. So I would never admit to someone that I have “maniac” episodes because shit you see in the news of “maniac kills entire family and eats his cat". Never when you see that word used in the news its because of a bipolar diagnosis but because a non-medical use of the term maniac/manic.

It would be easy to for us to use different words, "manico", and "maniaco", but mental health is dismissed by the some of the population here 🇲🇽, because of a dying, but still “macho culture”.

We fight different battles, still wish Da Maniac the best.

https://preview.redd.it/bbsa97fl8aeh1.png?width=624&format=png&auto=webp&s=ca8eb63eabbcb2559ea53d740270c1aa5cc5b5ae

Music

Returning to the BD > just basic depression, music. When depressed, never want to hear music, and If I do, it sounds so dull, on mania its so heavenly that it has made me cry. Best mania symptom. If I was just depressed I would have known that music is way more powerful than I thought.

Hope you had a good read. Tip your waitress and drive safe!

Thank for for reading and if you need someone to hear your problems, I'll do it, even though I'm not the kind right of person to give advice/help.

Does anyone else have this problem while manic? I drive so fast and aggressively, thankfully I haven't had an episode in recent memory but I'm afraid of this habit if I have another episode.

The adrenaline of a close call or the adrenaline of pulling a dangerous maneuver feels so good. In my country there is practically no risk of being pulled over. The thing I'm afraid of is injuring or worse someone else.

One time I was returning home and this guy wouldn't let me pass, when I saw a chance I passed him with our cars very close to each other, not because there was not enough space, but to "teach him a lesson". Then a guy I grew up with sent me a message. "Do you drive a black [car model], I told him yes, then he explained he was that car i overtook. I told him I had a bad day and that is why I drove like that. I apologized and he was very nice about it. I still feel ashamed about that incident.

https://preview.redd.it/h1tit7t1fmzg1.png?width=1036&format=png&auto=webp&s=febd5ab95e84776f5ea10ad2273cd949bdf77ec3

Was reordering the ol' hardrive and noticed Unit 00 has a familiar color palette.