How to be Ok with myself when I didn't achieve anything, I do not have nothing and I am basically a loser?
Like in the title. I mean. I've had a hard life but also made some mistakes. Probably like everyone. But somehow they were more poignant in my case and I have no point in my life I can be proud of or just to have as a thing I want to live for. I basically want objectively and after thorough consideration, not depression or bad mood, I just want to restart. End this life and maybe start again.
I am 53 F. I live in Central Europe. And I will try not to write my whole life here, but I am such a failure. I was the only child of non-responsible and toxic parents. My father was a real monster which damaged my mom and tried with me, which resulted in decades long depression. To the point that after the divorce she had health support and alimony paid by him. And I had to take care of her for the rest of my life. Never lived with any of my BFs. I had no support during my youth and my studies and my whole life. I also started my life in a post communist country, when life was harsh and you couldn't' make money and career like in a normal country. Anyway many ppl did.
I have not had mature BFs with which I stayed too long. And never married and didn't have any children. And then after 28 years together he just found new younger love. I stayed completely alone. No family, no SP, no children no friends as they stayed with him.
My career was not successful again. My first job was good but the market was not ready, so after the third company I worked for bankrupted because of not paying customers, I changed jobs, created a dream business and failed because of AI. And I was left with heavy debts which I will probably pay for the rest of my life. Next job got miraculously, fourth too. It is stable and safe but pays not enough to have something more than surviving. Miraculously because it is a miracle to get any job at my age in my country
So in summary. I didn't achieve any normal life stages. I am totally lonely, I have no career and money. And it is too late for anything.
How can I be OK with this? How to have the will for life. Why should I live? I cannot find any joy in it. I mean I meditate and I try to fix my traumas. I healed depression. I am happy with small things and I know how to enjoy them. I have a lot of hobbies and I am always busy. I love my pets. But I wanted to have a completely different life. I dreamt about family, being loved, travels... How to cope. Anybody?..
I am sorry if it's too long and no AI.
EDIT: Thank you all for taking your time for me. For reading and answering. I mean this is the main problem when you are alone. You cannot get another perspective. And this is priceless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.