u/AmbassadorFriendly71

I'm someone who is sex repulsed asexual, and I have been like this all my life. Never cared, never need it, and the times where that seemed to be case was due to abuse, trauma and compulsory sexuality, something completely against my boundaries and my identity... So, it genuinely bothers, hurts and offends me when people just somehow assume that me being harrassed by a person in texts or someone that used to be mutual means that I was into that. Like the abuser decided to do that because "I was into it first" and not because he decided to do wrong and cross my boundaries... I was literally just talking about videogames for all ages like Mario, only to be met with that person doing things that could be considered fetish mining. I barely met this person at all, and only talked with them because we were on the same videogame FB group. The sad thing is that they seemed to be normal, I listened to their problems, took my distance (to precisely avoid being misinterpreted as flirting) and yet they still felt the need to betray the smallest respect I had for them. They literally acted like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I understand that most of people are allosexual or pro-sexual. And I personally wouldn't judge at all if a person got harrassed and they were into sex stuff. Obviously no one deserves to have their consent disrespected, indepedent of the context. No one is saying otherwise. It's just I also feel it's very offensive to just assume that all adults talks about sex in their DMs to flirt, that it happens a lot when talking to people, that it's just "common". Every single I have to clarify we were technically strangers. Every. Single. Time. The idea just...hurts me so much, to think that, when I was just suffering and felt completely disrespected as a person.

It is that hard to just...conceptualize that there are people that don't talk about sex and kinky shit with other people? That there adult people who genuinely are not seeking by that. I genuinely feel repulsed whenever people assume I'm pro-sexual just because I'm an adult, or a human being.

I feel like that's the part some people might not understand about AVPD or trauma in general. It's easy to say that "it's just avoidance" like it was born out of nowhere. But a lot of people with AVPD can confirm they way how they feel...

All my life never had any friends, and most people were abusive towards me. I tried to be more sociable at age 13, and just got more traumatized than before. It was the first time I got to the outside world, they were my first experiences of having "friends", only to be emotionally manipulated.. I spent 7 years in isolation after that, because of the trauma it caused me. Last year, though I had overcome that, I couldn't keep being isolated, I had to overcome that, maybe there's someone out there who will respect me...only to meet people that made my mental health worse, feel worse, especially because it includes talking about trigger warnings... In the end of the day, they used me. I was vulnerable and I could had not lived that if I had stayed isolated.

I could have actually avoided so much pain that way. I'm also tired already of thinking there's someone out there, when everytime I try, I just get more dissapointed. I either have to "mask", or they always cross my boundaries. And when I do stand up for myself, I get abandoned. Since all my life I've been isolated, I don't connect with others adults, and they might think I'm just...unexperienced.

Maybe I'm just dissastified with the world in general. It's basically feeling like you'll just be hurt and betrayed, and that you are supposed to accept it, when I genuinely feel like that just kills me more. It's either that, or me feeling like nothing matters.

I dislike it whenever people just assume it's our "fault" for not opening up, or do more. Yeah, I do believe it's important to be responsible. But I'm not gonna pretend this world is also kind, when most of us can confirm the contrary.

All my life was about me basically dealing with other's people abuse and actions, and there was nothing I could do. And when I did defended myself, my caregivers did not listened and they did nothing. They basically sold me and exposed me. The situations I was in were completely out of my control: I did not choosed the third world country I was born in, nor my body being prone to illnesses and the catching a chronic illness at age 12... I did not choosed the abusive family nor the abusive enviroment at school. Nothing. And when I fought for myself, it was useless. The message was to just "deal with it" "the world's not gonna change". People abused me and continue to do so, and there was nothing I could do to avoid that.

I eventually became depressed and suicidal for these reasons. It's like I was just born to suffer. And like I said, there was nothing I could do. Eventually I just would wish to not wake up the next day, life just didn't mean anything to me. I had lost so many things, too traumatized that I stopped caring, I felt so detached from life.

So imagine how ironically cruel it feels that the moment we became adults, people just expect us to be "responsible", when ALL my life was about me not having any choice AT ALL. Now that I'm depressed, without happiness and dreams is that I'm supposed to function. Or else, people just inmediately assume we're not doing anything to be responsible for ourselves. Yeah, I can be responsible. Doesn't make me feel any different and it doesn't change me dealing with traumatic responses, including SH...

No one helped me when I needed it. No one did anything to stop the abuse that lasted years. There was no "divine" intervention, no coincidences. The abusers got their happy ending, while I only got ill at age 12. I did my best effort to belong, to be empathetic, to help, to be the best student, those are the things people expect of you. And nothing happened. I didn't got anything, it did not assured anything for me, it didn't even helped me to get a job or to do something for my life. Time wasted.

Did my best with friends, and I only got more hurt. Trusted them, my dreams, myself, and they just discarded me. I suffered for so long, and nothing cared. My family did not cared about me, and eventually I stopped telling them my problems because they always blamed me. I never had friends in my life, I was bullied, and now as an adult I'm completely alone.

I used to have dreams, despite of all. I used to feel "alive", and used to love music. I used to be "whimsy". Loved musicals, loved series of fiction...and yet, no one cared. My dreams were discarded one by one. No one saw me, and I was invisible to everyone. And the more I kept being abused, I lost my happiness and my innocence. They robbed me of my world.

The world has never felt the same way. I feel like the world kept going without me. Nothing feels like home anymore. Nothing feels innocent, or good. Just symptom after symptom, my body still hurts, and it's trauma reaction after trauma reaction. The worse is feeling like there's nothing I can do about it other than accept it.

But if I say I feel like I feel completely betrayed by the world, people just tell me I'm irrational, that my CPTSD is not making me "see things clearly", that life is so beautiful and I just need to see it. But it's not true, I have to live with the reality that indeed my life is awful and that's something that can't be changed.

At least for me, the more I kept growing, the more my life kept changing for the worse. I can't even believe how much my life changed since that 2016. Not only your body keeps growing and causing discomforts, but also your body starts to be prone to illnesses. I deal with a chronic illness since I was 12... But also, life starts to get more difficult.

I feel like we start to suffer the more we grow up, as we are thrown to the world and people teach us to hate ourselves, to judged ourselves and judge the things we like. "That's so dumb", "That's too childish" "that's for boys" "that's for little girls". I remember always being a whimsy kid, only to just feel like I had to stop liking certain things in order to fit in...

I also believe that it's sad to think how the stories we liked as a child start dissapearing. The games we used to play, our favorite characters...It's sad to say goodbye so suddenly.

In my opinion, it's also crazy how people just accept the stress of the adult life like it's normal. Growing up along my sibling made me realize how adult life is just chaotic and completely stressful. People just want to fit in, and all the talks about "being yourself" dissappear. The moment you are not a stereotipical functional adult, you get criticized. You are not seeing as enough. In my personal experience, I never had friends as a child, but trying to make friends as an adult with other adults that is almost impossible.

I just miss my childhood so much, I miss how things used to be... I understand that logically there's no way to stop aging, but seriously, I simply can't accept this, not when my childhood was stolen completely...

I'm sorry for the potential trigger post, but today has not been a good day. I have been feeling so depressed lately, to the point I barely feel thing. All my life I was abused and rejected. It's like people have this filter that made them reject me, and for what it seems that's a common experience for us. No matter how much I was a good student, or how well behaved I was, people always looked for excuses to treat me horrible. It saddens me to remember how I was just a kid and none cared for me.

All my life was about carrying other people's emotions and "fitting in". I always was the "weird" girl, too quiet, "too much", and all for nothing. I kept getting bullied and the more time happened, the more depressed I got.

And now, after years of pain and trauma, I feel so numb and empty. I lost most of my hyperfixations, my dreams and interests... I feel like I lost my personhood... And most of all I just pain when I remember how my entire life got ruined by abusive people, it hurts so much because there's nothing I can do to change that. Life can be so cruel.. The comfort I need from this world is impossible for me. And I'm alone, as people can't deal with me.

People always say that I have to keep trying, but the more I think about my life, I just feel like I never belonged here, I feel things differently than other people, I don't agree with what most people say, I'm a sex repulsed asexual person, I'm also GNC, and being raised to think I had to fit in only made me suffer. Now, I feel so broken and nothing makes me feel safe... I just keep wondering if there's a world where I belong and other people are like me.

Note: Please no mentions of "go to therapy" because I can't afford it.

Not only you have to deal with the symptoms but also you have to come to terms that no one did anything to help you, that you couldn't have done something and you also have to deal with more pain.

You have to come to terms that most people won't be able to deal with you, and that you'll be alone most of your life. People will come, but at the moment you are not useful to them, they'll leave.

You have to "accept" that you won't get the things you want and dream. You also have to accept chronic illnesses, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, all that when you are expected to function like a normal person...

It's basically seeing how everyone is living the life you should have been living right now and knowing you can't.

On top of that, we deal with more problems, relapses, depression, sadness, numbness...

I think I genuinely died years ago. I always felt trapped in this world, a world where I don't belong and where I don't get any support. My life just feels like a mistake.

At this point I even wonder what's the fucking point anymore. Processing, crying, the flashbacks, writing, therapy, none of that erases the pain and none of that makes me feel happy. I live knowing that I will never be happy again, this is just a nightmare...

https://preview.redd.it/8g9angc1w7eh1.png?width=1571&format=png&auto=webp&s=3c77aa3a0d4286e1ae04d10ebfbabb63770745ad

There are people who never connected with their childhood and prefer to be adults, so I believe the contrary case can happen: people who do connect with their childhood more, even if they are chrono-adults now... In general, I'd say my best era was when I was a chrono-child, because I was happy, creative, healthy, and I was just at my best... I think that I lost my spark when I kept growing up along with other factors.

I think this explains also why some people (that do not identify as NGU) are adults, yet are really "inmature". Maybe they were meant to be children, to not grow up that much. I don't know if others agree but I think I see this is the same case with certain celebs or artists that were great in their childhood and adolescence but flopped as adults, or simply don't have the same vibe or sucess.

Lately, I've been feeling completely scared of speaking up about my trauma, because I'm just scared of people thinking I did something to deserved it, or that I was looking for it...

I'm genuinely tired of getting told to live in the present. Or "get over it". The only present for me is dealing with chronic illness, physical pain, and the trauma of the abuse. My life ended years ago. I didn't wanted to accept it, but it's true, this trauma ruined my life before it could even start.

Sure, I feel happy for the people that got a happy ending. But that's it. It's always the same: congratulating others, while I just feel left behind.

Sometimes I wonder if people know how it feels to have good things happen to you, and not feel anything good because I feel like I lost my happiness years ago. Even when I watch a great movie, or when I eat a great food. And that really impacted me. Even if I were to accomplish my "dreams", I knew I wouldn't be happy and that the trauma would appear so what's the point?.

I'm just tired of everything. The abuse should not have happened, it did and now I'm supposed to act like "it was okay" or "normal". I've been dealing with this shit since DECADES, and no amount of processing erases me pain.

I wonder if this it, and I'll carry with this pain forever, knowing that my life was stolen and now I'm just seeing people that had a better life, without any trauma. This is worse than hell.

A part of me misses a lot my childhood for this reason. I hate how the more you grow up, the more sex is started to be push by everyone. I hate how people assume that they have a "right" to inquire about you, or to even assume you have a sexual life like them. I genuinely dislike how sex seems to be EVERYWHERE. Even when I'm watching videos about series and games that lack sexual content, people talk about it everytime and you get called a puritan because you don't want it. I dislike how because sex is "natural", it means that it's justified when people bring it up. Everyday is about women sexualizing their bodies, men sexualizing their bodies and that's how you should be. Songs are all about sex, even if they have great rythm. Every joke is about sex...

I miss when I could feel more "innocence" in some way. When I could talk to people without having to fear being objectified. Or when you could have a great frienship with someone without sexualization getting in the way, I'm not even safe with women. I miss when I could feel safe in my own body. I genuinely feel like I just don't belong in the world for this reason. The worse is when people automatically assume you are less intelligent, or less interesting for this.

A lot of peeople just believe that "you should get used to it" "you can live with both sides", I'm tired already. I want it gone, let me be free. I think there's more in life than sex. And as woman, it genuinely saddens me how women are taught to sexualize themselves or the female body, I hate it.

My sister who is not neurodivergent, came to me talk about a former college classmate, and she said 'What a shame that she decided to just take an easy way to work instead of finishing her studies". I commented her about how this girl never did anything in class yet the teachers never told him anything. Meanwhile, despite me talking and defending my points in class, I was either ignored and sometimes the professors would treat me in such an unfair way. As a neurodivegent person, this has been my reality since childhood. Never being enough, never been choosen even if I do my best.

I was calmer, and I really did not take the conversation thar seriously, like when you are talking about something traumatic but you are feeling calmer... Suddenly, oout if nowhere, she raised her voice and told me that I "shouldn't think like that. That it wasn't an excuse for not wanting to studying" and she even compared me to a little boy she gives classes to, as if my feelings were just a mere tantrum when in reality I was very hurt by it at that time, to the point I had to leave the university because it was affecting my mental health.

I just told her I did not say that, and that she shouldn't put words in my mouth. And I told her that why would she bring up that subject if she wasn't even gonna listen to what I had to say. Then, she just rolled her eyes, as if she did not believed what I was saying, and that I was just "making excuses"... I just stayed silent until she left...

Why do people do this?? I seriously do not get it. I swear to got I'm just tired of this, and in the end of the day if everyone are gonna keep imposing their false idea of me then what's the point.

Yeah other people have it easy and never have to suffer with anything at all to the point they do feel comfortable with making abuse jokes, yet I have to be "happy" with having an abusive life and chronic pain because "things happen for a reason" and that I should just "hug my cat and see the sun rising" when other people do bad things and never had to deal with anything. I'm done, honestly.

Imagine everyone is born with a paper, and someone took yours and tore it apart, or left it completely crumbed. Everyone is there with a perfect blank paper but people tell you that you should be happy with your crumbled paper. I don't think it's beautiful, I think it's horrible and it makes me feel horrible when I think about it. Now change "paper" with "abuse". I know this is not for everyone, but I'm just done with the "there's beauty in pain" , my pain did not made me beautiful, it did not gave my life a purpose, actually it was all contrary: it took away all the chances I had to be a person.

The worse is, how everyone seems to act like it's normal. That "you should get over about being abused as a child". I'm done.

Back then, this would make cry for hours. Now, while the sadness is still there... I don't have anything to do. Whenever I see them doing the things I should have done, being non traumatized and having people's love, I just feel so sad... I feel so dirty and tainted in comparison, like I don't belong anywhere.