What do you guys think about it, that you can't download your own image in the original size? Imagine you lost your photos for some reason, and you must be a Flickr Pro to get your OWN photos back. I don't know about it, but in my opinion, this isn't right and unfair. Not even Deviantart does that method.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAdadgp
Either me(17m), my sister(14), or my dad(50s) looked up gay porn on his laptop. My mom wants to know who it is, my dad accused my sister, but I think it may have been my dad. What should I do?
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
TRIGGER WARNING: >!Homophobia and bigotry!<
Original Post Apr 17, 2021
Currently because someone broke mine, I’m using my dads laptop to do some school work. My sister also uses it for whatever idrk.
Two days ago, I asked my mom to proofread an essay I’m writing so I got my dads laptop, opened it up in front of her only to show a gay porn video. I was stunned, and my mom was disgusted. I slammed the laptop shut, and my mom asked me if I was secretly gay and looking through porn on the laptop. I’m not and have never intentionally seen gay porn so I denied all of that.
My mom then said that it must’ve been my sister. Which I didn’t think was like her at all, but I also thought there was no way my dad was looking at gay porn.
My mom went and spoke to my sister who also denied it. She told us she’d wait till our dad got home to figure this out. She spoke to our dad and he reacted very strangely. Like I expected him to be more confused but he seemed more defensive. My mom didn’t even accuse him, but when she told him he immediately went on the defense. His reaction was just not what I would’ve expected.
He immediately accused me. And he came to me and said he knew it was me and that if I just came clean about it they’d forget about it. I told him it wasn’t me as I’m straight. He said that he knew I was lying and just kept pushing. He eventually said he believed me and then he immediately punished my sister for looking at the porn on his laptop.
I spoke to her after it, I don’t think this is something she’d lie to me about, she said it wasn’t her at all and she’s never seen or looked up porn in her life. This seems much more like her, and because of my dads weird reaction, I think she’s telling the truth. In fact I’m sure it wasn’t either of us and my dad is covering his ass.
What should I do?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
SingleWar5
> Did anyone check the history time stamp? > > Also what is the punishment for your sister? I see a lot of people here saying just let her take the fall but not knowing what it entails. > > What happens if that happens again? Is it just right to blaming your sister and punishing her?
OOP
>>I didn’t, idk if my mom or dad did.
&
>>So she’s been grounded and had most technology taken from her and can’t see her friends for 3 weeks.
~
kuutiokuu
>What?? Why? Can I ask where do you live?
OOP
>>Mississippi, so you know... gay stuff and pornography aren’t things that older people are exactly accepting of
nooper
>>>Except for your dad but let’s not tell anyone.
TOP COMMENTS
commenter
>Yeahhhhhhh its him
~
thatoneduder101
>And even bigger plot twist would be if it was the mom and she’s trying to blame y’all three to cover her own ass 😭😭😭.
MOST REPEATED COMMENT
Commenter
>Blame it on your sister. It will do the least damage. Also she's already been punished anyway
Update Apr 18, 2021 (Next Day)
So I talked to my dad one on one, I told him it wasn’t me and I’m 99% sure it wasn’t my sister, and he admitted it was him.
He told me that he wasn’t gay, and that he still loved my mom and was attracted to her, but if she knew he sometimes watched gay porn she’d probably leave him. He said this needs to stay between us and that if I help my sister sneak out and we don’t get caught by our mother we won’t be punished, and that I can get her phone and give it back to her.
Honestly I wish I didn’t know this and should’ve probably just let sleeping dogs lie. Not that there’s anything wrong with my dad being gay or bi or whatever he wants to call it, I just regret having to keep this secret from my mom.
Whatever I guess, I graduate in a few weeks and I won’t have to think about this too much.
TOP COMMENTS
Mary-U
> 1. Tell your dad he must tell your sister he has reconsidered. He trusts her and believes her. She is no longer punished. (He needs to do this because she has another 4 years there and he’s jeopardizing his relationship with her.) > > 2. For heaven’s sake show him private browsing. > > 3. Tap out of this entire train wreck
AllDressedRuffles
>>Homie never heard of incognito mode
~
NoHandBananaNo
> Wow this is some terrible parenting. Your mother is trying to punish people for their sexual interests and your cowardly father is trying to let that punishment fall on his innocent children. > > None of this is your responsibility though. > > Do NOT help your 14 year old sister sneak out at night, wtf. Sit her down, give her back her phone, and tell her you know it wasnt her. Injustice really burns at 14. You could either tell her it was you or tell her the truth. > > Watching gay porn doesnt mean someone's gay or bi. Human sexuality is more complicated than that.
~
[deleted]
> I think you're dad on the whole has some communication issues with your mom. > > However, whether you are graduating or not, its ultimately not your responsibility. Your parents are adults, and well, your parents. This shouldn't be something on your shoulders. > > People have all kinds of weird kinks, ignorance is bliss. You've lost the benefit of ignorance, but none of it changes who your dad is. > > I think the most important thing for you to know, coming from someone who's father was an overgrown adolescent, it's not your responsibility, it's not your cross to bear
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
This is my first Post on r/BestofRedditorUpdates so please have mercy on me. Part one you can find here. made by u/tequilitas.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Runawaybrother
Originally posted in r/AmItheAsshole
>!Warnung: mention of Suicide, death and false accusation of abandoned and abused.!<
2023 Catch Up (05.18.2023)
Hello Reddit!
First, as it’s tradition:
*We now have 2 cats.
*Sam moved in with his gf and we just love that he’s happy again.
*Dad is semi moved in with Rita.
*It has been bittersweet but overall we remain positive and supportive of each other.
Let’s do bad news first. It turns out that there was indeed cancer on our Mother’s side, just not hers. One of her stepchildren actually had it and passed away at the beginning of the year, she is milking it for all it’s worth and we are disgusted by her as usual. While we can empathize with the loss, we are not changing our stance on being NC with her and her whole family.
Daniela had her baby, a very cute boy that is NOT Sam’s (not that we ever doubted that). She did try to make him recognize him and sign stuff but he refused and after the test there was nothing she could do. She did LOOOOSE her shit when she heard Sam was seriously dating and ever worse when he moved in with his gf. She still believes he is the one for her and is fixated on it, tried to cyberbully the gf but this woman is made of something else. Oh, and yes the father of her child is the married coworker in his 50s which is another shitshow from what we’ve heard but not ours.
Sam moved in with his gf, he’s still in therapy (we all are) but doing much better. His gf is a very well liked and beloved member of the family, she understands everything that has happened and integrated perfectly. He is also doing great in other areas and he did run his first marathon, not the best timing but hey! HE DID IT!!!!!
Joe+Ana+Baby are very happy, they are still on the list as interested to adopt since they would like to have at least another one. I also wanted to explain something again: in my country the adoptions are not done by agencies, you get on a list after some tests and interviews to see if you are a good candidate and when it happens that you match you get the baby, that baby is yours and that’s it. I know I am still a bit vague but please remember we are not from the US and things are different in each country. Apart from that, Baby is just the best Baby ever (yes I might be biased) but she algo gets told NO a lot because we all agree that she should not be spoiled, or well, too spoiled. She has a room at our house, Rita’s and a playing pen at Sam’s (because they are looking for a permanent house and they do home office).
Dad is basically living with Rita, she is pretty happy about it and they took a couple trips recently. They love being grandparents and are very hands on, they now claim 3 grandbabies since the cats sometimes go there too. It is hilarious because my Dad was not so warm on the idea of cats at first but now he even takes photos of all his babies and he prints the best ones because "that’s what he’s used to". He also shares progress updates with his friends and sometimes they are confused if he’s talking about the cats or Baby since he gets so excited about anything they do and he buys them all too many toys in my opinion but apparentely that’s what a grandpa does. LOL
We did get married in December, my Dad walked me down even if we did non traditional stuff for my country, Joe was Matt’s best man, Sam was my Bestmaid (he insisted on being called Julio the whole planning process when it was about the wedding), Mother did try to come and tried to convince Ana’s Mom about it but she would not tell her anything, some of Mother’s relatives said it was undignifying (unsure if it’s the right word) to have Rita there instead of my own Mother but well, I think it is disgusting to condone her actions so to each their own.
We had a blast and it was not stressful at all. Nobody ran away, nobody cried (of sadness), nobody tried to made a scene.
We are remodeling a part of the house to make it more ours and not to be at my childhood bedroom anymore. But so far everything is going very good for the cult. Sam got slightly less Julia Roberts gifts but he wears his t-shirts with pride all year round.
On a last bit: Sam’s gf has approached us with the idea of proposing to Sam when the time is right so, who knows….. Maybe this time he actually makes it to the altar!
Comments
Love hearing from you and about the rest of the cult! I gotta ask, how did Sam’a gf dealt with Daniela 😂?
Hi
She simply made screenshots of everything and just kept posting and posting. We know form the grapevine that Daniela was extremely upset about it and thought gf would just shrink and be scared, but she wasn't!!!!
Sam said he would support whatever decision she took and Daniela stopped due to her not backing down and her own shitshow of a life due to the marital status of her kid's Dad and her Grandma disowning her for being a bad person. Which it is kind of sad since that's the line for her family and not all the crazy stuff she did to Sam and my family.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Bittersweet Update (01.17.2024)
Hi cult, to all you 10 or so people interested I come bringing you a bit of everything we went through.
As usual some points:
*We got a dog and my Dad is a "greatgranpa" now.
*My Dad is one of 6, I didn't mentioned it before because it was not relevant (it is for this one).
*The proposal was not ruined.
*It has been a rollercoaster but the cult is going strong.
*I think this one needs a TW: Suicide
Well, let's get to it shall we? I will start with the sad and down things because it actually has to do with everything that has happened. One of my uncles got a stroke and it was what started it all. For my Grandma it was such a shock that the youngest of her kids was the one who had it, he was recovering slowly but depression and frustration were too much for him and he took his life. It was one of the worst deaths we have had in the family since he was so healthy just months before it happened and we all thought he would get better. My Dad broke down and it was just too hard for all of us to see him like this and my Grandma's health took a turn, she is old but was otherwise very healthy before this.
We were very scared for Dad but he got better with the months and by the end of summer he was more himself. Grandma passed away in late November from natural causes but we are all believers it was of broken heart since she would repeat over and over that parents are not supposed to bury their own children. The holidays were bittersweet as you may imagine but we pulled through as usual. Sorry for the sad portion but it is needed for the rest of the catch up.
Our Mother being her usual monster self tried to come to both funerals and talked to us but it did not work so well for her. On my Grandma's funeral everybody was off guard and we didn't notice her inside the church, she came up to me and grabbed my arm saying we needed to talk. She said she didn't want to wait until one of us is dead for the family to reunite again and as the women of the family it was our duty to solve it all since afterall her family "desintegrated because of me". I just told her to let me go and when she didn't and kept talking stupid stuff about how much of a horrible human I am and how I am going to go to hell if I don't fix things before it's too late I told her that "if we end up in the same level of hell I will apologize otherwise I hope she dies soon". She kept screaming and crying and making a scene but got kicked out. Am I proud of my words? Yes, maybe I will end up in hell with her but I don't care.
The dog we got was my Uncle's, my Aunt asked if we could take it in for a bit while he had rehab but after his passing she requested we kept it because it was his special buddy and she could not bear to see it anymore. The dog is very friendly and the kittens got used eventually, after many fights and cries they are finally behaving and sometimes take naps together.
Joe+Ana+Baby are doing great! They are considering getting pregnant since they don't want Baby to have a big age gap with her future sibling and the adoption process is uncertain. They know we will support whatever they decide and so far we all babysit and meet up constantly as usual. Joe has also decided to start running with Sam so now they are running buddies and since they are very competitive it is hilarious to see. They actually happened to be with Grandma when she passed, which was peaceful and while she was sleeping. She was so happy to spend time with Baby since she was her only great grandchild so far. Baby also got the last handmade things made by her so it is very special.
Now, in my last catch up I mentioned Sam might get proposed but I promise I did NOT spoil it!!! He said yes and he's actually married. It seems very fast and he planned on a long engagement but Grandma asked if he would consider doing it sooner than later, he couldn't say no to her. His wedding was actually the last large family event she attended. Despite everything it was a very happy wedding and HE MADE IT TO THE ALTAR!! Not that we doubted it but it is still a bit funny to us. Dad was his goofy self and decided to take family pics at the family home, only of us of course. He now has one of his kids, his grandchildren, and great grandchildren since one of the cats had babies. Sam is extremely happy and his now wife was amazing during the planning, such a different experience from last time.
Matt+I are doing pretty well all things considered. We have decided to start a family soon, apart of our feline and canine children. We try to host family gatherings as much as possible because of the space and so far are doing very good at being hosts although we messed Christmas dinner since someone (cough cough cough me) forgot to buy some crucial ingredients and got frustrated but thankfully Rita and Matt went on a hunt for them and saved the day. Since then I am on booze duty for a while which to be honest I can't complain about.
We are still trying our best and yes there have been bouncing castles in a couple meets (seriously more adults need to try it).
Fingers crossed for a 2024 better than 2023 for all of us.
Comments
Dear OP
First of all let me tell you that yes you are very interesting as always and i hope to hear from you again soon as i was after last year where i saw your story on YT, came to REDDIT and found the post plus 2 updates. And now this one.
Glad to hear you all (cult) are doing ok in a grand part, also sorry for your loses and glad that at least your Grandma could assist to Sams wedding, and glad that he and his now wife wanted to fullfill your Grandma wish to do it sooner rather than later.
Happy for him that he finally could walk down to the altar and made it, and that he get to marry a good woman that trully care for him. And also for his family and most of all respect your boundaries.
I can't say anything that you don't know about your mother, but she is a very persistant woman (as well as pathetic), i doubt that this year will change that(she will find a way to mess with all of you again) and probably in the 2024 catch up Update you will have a paragraph dedícate to her like usal in the last updates.
Like you can tell i am new to the story and would like to join the cult, like i said before glad to hear from you and best wishes and best new year for all of you and the cult.
UPDATEME
Ps. Hope you luck in the baby made, to You & Matt and to your brother Joe & Ana.
Also baby is not a baby anymore maybe toddler? Just Kidding you name her like you want.
That is very sweet of you. I know she isn't a baby anymore but can't help myself!
That is ok, we always see our kids as babys even when grow up.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Reddit! I hope this post finds you well. LOL
Clarifications per tradition I guess:
*If you want to share anything we are perfectly fine with it, I use mainly fake names after-all.
*We are at 4 kittens, 1 dog, and a fish tank. There might be an upcoming turtle.
*It has been a very interesting year so far: some great, some good, some awful.
*Dad+Rita are married.
*Our Grandma's stuff was settle now and we all got something from her. No bad blood from anybody but it had to be amended since my Uncle was named on the will and he obviously died before her.
*Daniela can still go fuck herself.
Well there's no time to waste. I will start with the awful since it was ridiculous and still enrages me. Daniela decided that since her life was a garbage she would try to drag Sam to it. She accused him of abandoning their kid, not his kid, she accused him of being abusive, never been, and then she accused him of trying to groom some of her relatives when they were together, never happened. This was such an stressful thing for Sam and his wife "Lola" since not everybody knows or is up to date with all the drama she has surrounded herself with. They obviously immediately went on the counterattack and this delusional ghoul said she would back off if Sam went back to her since he was the only one for her.
Lola did the same as last time and published the screenshots and not only that but exposed all the dirty laundry she knew from her family, including but not limiting that one of her sisters used to be a sugar baby. Was this nice? No. But I assume all gloves are off when someone accuses your husband of grooming. At the end Daniela backed off, deleted all her claims, and eventually was sued by Sam because he is tired from her shit. It seems like she still wears the engagement ring, she needs help. Her family made a huge drama out of everything but Sam+Lola told them to zip it or they go lower.
As a 2.0 of awful news, Mother tried to reach out to us since her brother is sick. We checked, he is, we still are not interested on having any relation with any of them. We are aware it sounds heartless but we can't bring ourselves to give even a bit since we know what would entail with her.
Apart from this, they are doing great, they complement each other and Lola is a great person we love and support. Sam+Joe+Lola all go to run together and it makes me very happy there is positiveness instead of walking on eggshells with an in-law.
Dad+Rita are doing great, at some point Rita had to put her foot down on how much stuff Dad was bringing so they compromised and they both kept part of their things and put the rest on a storage unit or pass it to relatives. That was their biggest issue and it was hilarious looking at their sort through stuff with a whiteboard behind them. However, Dad is still not at 100% due to last year's family losses but Rita is there for him no matter what. It is scary to see him break down from time to time, we just hope he doesn't get as bad as Grandma because it terrifies us.
Joe+Ana are as strong as ever. Baby "Sofia" is doing amazing and it truly has a village. Ana's Mom is not doing great though and we are a bit scared she might have dementia but we are crossing our fingers is not something that hardcore. Thus all baby plans are on hold for them, if they get matched again it will be different but they are not seeking it at the moment. Their focus is on Sofia, Dad's health and Ana's Mom's diagnosis.
Matt+I are fine with our furry babies, we added a fish tank because Sofia loves fishes, Sam apparently always wanted one, and well why not. We all got the tiny things from grandma and it was great, we got to share stories and lovely memories from her. Matt has decided to get his Phd and I am very proud of him. Right now I am the main Sofi babysitter but not gonna pretend I don't love it. We walk the dog, play with the kittens, read books, feed the fishies, talk a lot (yes I know how I sound but I love our conversations LOL), and discussing getting a turtle since apparently it's the coolest animal in the world. We went camping and she hated it with a passion so I guess never again.
I wish I said I see a lot of positive in our immediate future but I just hope our loved ones are safe and healthy.
Thank you for being here so I don't feel I scream into the void. We have taken into advice what to do for the drawings on the wall.
And I want to take a special time to mention this: Some of you have told me your stories with toxic/abusive family members. I hope you are doing better now, if our weird convoluted story has helped you in any way I am glad, I am sorry I have not replied to your message but please know I've read them all. It gets better, there are a lot of good people in the world.
Comments
Daniella has nothing to lose and people with nothing to lose become dangerous. maybe it's a wise move for sam to think about moving
I agree. What I share is a summary, but Sam+Lola dealt and are still dealing with a lot. Daniela is not/has not been winning by any means but they want to have legal paperwork.
I agree. What I share is a summary, but Sam+Lola dealt and are still dealing with a lot. Daniela is not/has not been winning by any means but they want to have legal paperwork.
Ugh, when will Danielle find a rock to hide under.
Glad everything else is going basically well. I hope Dad and Ana's mom are as comfortable as can be.
I'm with Sofia, unless it's a really nice cabin, camping is out.
We want her gone, like puff..... under a rock is not enough anymore!
Thank you for your wishes, we are keeping close and good care of both of them.
Also LOL Sofia seems to be open to the idea to more camping if everybody comes: meaning all family members human and otherwise.
I stopped everything to read this update, I love hearing from you and your cult! I had to double check but my god its been two years, Daniela STILL is cray, like that woman needs to sit down.
I hope she leaves my family alone. She is OBSESSEDDDD with Sam it is ridiculous are creepy. We are all in the same circle kinda and she has targeted her as the psycho es gf now.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/nathaliebeta
Me [31/F] with my Fiance [33/M] Fiance best friend [33/F] have a weird relationship, driving me insane
TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalking, obsessive behavior, controlling behavior!<
Editors Note: because of character count and length, all previous posts will be summarized. The previous BoRU has all full posts
Original Post May 3, 2015
In the original post concerns OOP and her fiancé regarding his lifelong best friend, Sandy. Who he selected to be his female "best man" at their upcoming wedding. While OOP tried to accept their exceptionally close bond which included daily contact, late-night phone calls, and open expressions of love, she became increasingly uncomfortable with their history, lack of typical boundaries, and a tip from a friend hinting at a potentially sexual past between them. The final straw came when the fiancé admitted that during a past trip to Jamaica when they were both single, they participated in a "couple swap" with another married pair. Though he insisted that he and Sandy never actually slept with each other.
Update 1 June 6 2015 (1 month later)
OOP confronts her fiancé, demanding that Sandy be replaced as best man and cut out of their lives entirely. When he refuses to abandon his best friend but offers to ease contact and skip the bachelor party, she gives him an ultimatum to choose between them prompting him to immediately call off the wedding and end the relationship stating that if she cannot trust him after years of complete honesty, it isn't worth the trouble. Before leaving, he confirms the Jamaica story but clarifies that while they were all naked and swapping did occur, he and Sandy only slept with the other couple's respective partners and never with each other. In the aftermath, OOP realizes she acted out of jealousy and regrets sending harassing texts to Sandy, and desperately tries to win her fiancé back only to find he has packed his things, left his keys and cut off all communication completely.
Update 2 Dec 29, 2015 (6 months after last update)
In update 2 OOP reveals that months of stalking and harassment towards her ex and Sandy led to a meeting with Sandy, where OOP realizes how everything is messed up and she went too far. Things such as following the breakup OOP repeatedly tried to corner her ex-fiancé at his workplace, tracked his movements and flooded him, his sister, and his parents with messages leading her ex to block her and change his phone number twice. Sandy eventually met with the OOP to deliver a final warning that the ex-fiancé was preparing to file a restraining order if the harassment did not cease. OOP tried to downplay her behavior as a series of misunderstandings and blamed Sandy for being toxic and threatening, the intervention OOP to come to terms that the engagement was permanently over and that she needed to cut contact, focus on her own therapy and attempt to move on with her life.
New update
10+ years update consequences and lesson learned June 22, 2026
Have not been in reddit for a while here is the original: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/34r6ah/me_31f_with_my_fiance_33m_fiance_best_friend_33f/
Hello
I am Alive...well, it has been a little over 10 years from my last update.
The other day I was listening to some facebook reel, and what do I find? My old story, I haven't been on reddit for a while and had a hard time tracking my old account and my password, I have some news, this is going to be long.
First let me tell you I am doing much better, I had to move in with my mother as her health has not been the best, I am a single mother and have a wonderful daughter unfortunately due to circumstances she lives with her father. My sister is not doing so good, she has struggled with weight issues and depression , things are improving for her and she has some lovely pets to keep her company.
I am in a much better place now, I have had a lot of therapy and it has helped me cope with a lot of issues, understand things differently, making me a better person. My life has been a lot tougher than I expected, I am trying to focus on being a good mother, a good daughter and good sister.
I have some nice co-workers. Sometimes we go out and hang out after work, just a shade of the old social life I used to have. It has been humbling.
I have not been lucky on the dating scene.
I will be as honest as I can, it's been a long time so I can't remember every detail, however I believe it to be therapeutic to get this out.
I did get served with criminal charges for stalking and harassment, it was a lot of trouble for me, it is too long and painful, but the highlights are.
My sister and I could not contact my ex in any way.
I had to stay some distance away from him, I could not contact him via third parties nor use anyone else to get messages to him.
His family was off limits
I could not contact his work
I could not go to his house
I did not see him in person again, it was all through his attorney.
I had to get a lawyer, at first I thought I did not need one, in my hubris I believed I was in the right and had nothing to fear, I was angry and felt wronged, however my ex's lawyer contacted me and told me I needed one asap because this was no civil court, the charges were coming from the state, he told me I would most certainly go to jail, my mom helped me pay for one, it was not cheap.
It was humiliating and very eye opener, we met with someone from the prosecutor’s office (can't remember the title) they presented a large number of printouts of the messages I had sent my ex, sandy and his friends. There were prints out of the social media post I made, there were recordings of the voice messages me and my sister left him, his sister, Sandy and a couple of our friends, there were call logs of when I contacted his work, recordings of said calls, statements from our old group of the people who I believed were my friends, from his family, from his sister including the ones in which I was just venting, emails I had sent, emails my sister had sent, even some from fake accounts in which I pretended to be someone else. They did not paint me in good way, now all these years later I admit they were too much, in particular the ones were I threaten him.
There were incident reports from his HR department due to the harassment I had done, there were several police reports as well, video of me driving by his house, parking outside of his new place, he took the videos. He knew I was watching so we weren't as sneaky as we thought we were.
The final incident that made me think long and hard and convinced me to snap out of it was when me and my sister were following him in her car and we got pulled over by the police, we were detained, my ex had called emergency services... that was .. the moment that made me realize I had gone too far, that was of course included, it scared me.
My mom was devastated when she saw all the information. She was crying and weeping asking me and my sister on how we could have done this.
Believe me it was damaging, did not paint us in a good way, and there was no excuse for what me and my sister did, I can't believe how unhinged I was.
My ex's lawyer was not working for the state, he was the one who gathered everything, he was very friendly and not aggressive at all, he told us my ex just wanted this solved, and be done with it, very professional, not like they appear on tv or shows, he was like: you messed up bad, but we don't want to screw you 100%
At that time I asked my attorney if we could fight the charges or do something about it, he said we could but we would have to find someone else, he was not taking it. He told us this had been going on for a long time and we would be lucky if I stayed out of prison, he did not hold back, there were tears, fights and blames between my mom, my sister and me.
I contacted my uncle, my moms older brother who has always been a father figure, he met with the lawyer as well, when he saw all the evidence and heard all the story his eyes filled with tears, he could not believe what we had done, still 10 years later our relationship has not recovered, he looked so shocked, he said he had failed. The look of disappointment in his face is something that still haunts me
He told the 3 of us to take the deal, accept the restraining order, the probation, the misdemeanor, as it was the best we could get and it could get very ugly if we fought it, including possible jail time. We came to an arrangement, he would reach the prosecutor.
I had to go in front of a judge and admit to it all, the prosecutor was there, he was the one that recommended the terms. I would accept the restraining order, no contact... probation for 3 years, community service, a big fine, therapy, group therapy, my ex was not present, his lawyer was but said nothing.
The Judge was very harsh, she did not mince words, she told me people have done prison time for less, that I was lucky my ex fiance had spoke kindly about me to the prosecution otherwise she would have imposed a more severe punishment, she asked me directly if I knew the difference between a felony and a misdemeanor? - she explained it- She asked how would we feel if the roles were reversed and my ex had done all these things to me,how would my family feel about it? That one hit hard and we all cried. Terrible terrible things I did. She had me read out loud some of the emails, texts and transcripts of the voice messages I had sent my ex and Sandy, it was so bad that it still rattles me, she asked me what I was I thinking? My attorney several times tried to say something, telling the judge that it was summarized, but she told him to shut up and to keep reading, she said I had to be accountable for all this, I was crying so hard when I read the messages, it was terrible, even when I was sobbing, the judge made me pause, compose myself and then to keep reading, the ones we sent Sandy were the worst of all, she made me read them all, my mom, my sister and me were crying the whole time, my lawyer was shocked about the reaction of the judge, It was horrible, long, time consuming, expensive and it was all on me, the Judge said at the end that she was not pleased with the results and if it were up to her my punishment would be severe. My lawyer was rattled and told us we were lucky, as he had worked with this judge before and had never seen her so upset. I had to get a bank loan at terrible rates to pay my mother and all this mess.
My ex did not want any restitution, so he did not go the civil court way, which my lawyer told me that once again we were lucky because we would have to pay a lot of money due to the amount of evidence and the length of time it had been going on. We got a separate private agreement, the lawyer made it clear that this was not a reward for my actions but a generosity as he wanted to move on cleanly.
At the end my ex would let me keep the car (it was his, I was using it ) transfer the title to me, and he would pay for therapy.
I did not see this coming, I was so caught up with the drama and thinking stupid scenarios that it bit me hard, still at the end he was being the better person.
The Lawyer provided me with a list of therapists, the first 2 were no good, the third one was the best.
After the 6 months were up I contacted his attorney and asked if my ex would be willing to pay for more sessions, his lawyer said my ex agreed if I kept my part of the bargain and not contact him ever again, he paid for an additional year of therapy that was in 2016 - 2017
He got married in 2018, of course I was not invited to the wedding.
All of my old group of acquaintances who I thought were my friends, stopped contacting me and cut me off. That tells me something right?
The wife of one of my ex friends, let's call her Jenny, was pretty much the only one of that group that had anything to do with me, She got divorced from her husband shortly after my trial, even though she did not say, I believe it was related to all this Sandy ordeal. We meet every once in a while. Later on She was the one who showed me the posts and the pictures of my ex wedding.
His wife seems nice enough, however looks simple and bland. They have 2 kids now.
I had a meltdown when I saw the pictures and it took me a lot to contain myself. Regarding Best friend Sandy, what can I say She was indeed the best man at his wedding, she wore a tux with bow tie and everything.
She seemed very close to his new wife, they had plenty of pictures together being friendly and going out, some at the beach. They had a bachelor party at San Diego instead of Las Vegas, I Believe for a convention or event or show of some sort, costumes and all that, a lot of pictures, some at bars smoking cigars and drinking, couple of male friends with them as well, some I knew and recognized, some I didn't .
The old group was at the wedding.
I had a ton of question in my old posts that I could never answer so I will do it now:
I did not kill myself ,neither did my sister
yes I checked his phone, he didn't care about it, no he did not check mine, he could if he would have wanted , he did not.
Yes I was honest, I did leave out some parts, like finding his new place and calling his work, following him around, and some more things I can't remember.
Yes I lost my job at that time , that's the main reason I had so much time on my hands.
The box of toys were not sex toys, they were some action figurines and some ships? cars?
I stopped posting because my lawyer told me to shut it all down, I told my therapist about it and she said It was not the smartest move to take advice from stranger who only get a fraction of the story and even though it was a nice way to vent, it was not good to follow shitty advice
Yes I was definitely a lot to handle and making demands were not the correct way to go. I can see it now, sad.. a very sad time for me. I have no excuse
Yes I had feelings of abandonment
Yes I have gotten help, a lot of help
Yes I was angry, mostly angry with myself.
Yes I was an idiot and got exactly what I deserved
His family is not wealthy, they are maybe above middle class american, he did, does? very well in his work. He also has a younger sister whom I did not mention, she was nice to me at first then she just stopped interacting with me, I think she did not like me, this was way before the break up.
I was immature and learned that ultimatums are not good unless you can live with the results of them.
I was selfish and entitled, boy was I entitled
Mom was very protective of me and my sister, I was kind of like the golden child so I felt I deserved things that were not my right.
I was focusing on the wrong things
My job was in retail, still is.
Yeah she was always happy to see him
No she was never rude to me , no she did not insult me
No my Ex did not pay her things, not that I was aware, she was ok financially but I think that's because the father of her kids
Pretty sure my ex was not the father of her kids, they are very similar to their father.
I am not sure about the sneaking around when they were teens, she would sleep at his house, maybe in the same bed? His parents didn't care or didn't know, yes one time he was gone for about a week for something school related and she stayed at his parents house in his room while he was away,
Yes when they were in collage she would stay in his dorm? apartment? cant remember
He works in IT or worked in IT? made? makes? very good money. He was an expert in ZAP or SAP or TAP (I remember he spoke about it all the time)
I have to admit I was stalking him, I crossed the line and did not respect his limits, I was not thinking straight I noticed some of the messages were egging me on, and telling me I should confront him, find his new place, send him messages ..not to beg....that I would wear him down...that he would come crawling back ...not very bright on my part. Only a couple of people called me out and told me I was wrong and acting crazy, some offered help, some contacted me directly telling me to reach out to a professional, some let me vent, thank you from the bottom of my heart, The rest was just feeding my anger, my ego, my entitlement, I recently read all the crap I wrote, I can't believe some people would think it was ok or justified to act the way I did, it is not completely understandable to demand an answer or an apology from someone who has made clear that does not want to be contacted, Only one redditor posted that they were only getting one side of the story and that the community should stop enabling me, thank you.
Some things I did not mention, like the car was his, I was the one using it, he paid our rent and all the services at our apartment, when he left he removed himself from the lease and paid for the last 3 months I was on my own after that and could not afford it , that was the reason why I moved with my sister.
Yeah he left all the furniture and electronics when he moved, he only took his things even though he had purchased all the rest. I sold some, took some and gave a little bit away.
Jenny from the friend group, used to say Sandy wasn’t “one of them,” and at the time I didn’t question that the way I should have. I think that was the same reason my ex's older sister did not like her, she was always a little snobbish, she said Sandy was like a stray that her brother had adopted. When I asked her to elaborate she said it was because her family was trailer trash (sandys), she was always at their house, that my ex would feed her, teach her manners, help her at school and then send her on her way back to the hood and for that reason sandy followed him around..hence a stray. My ex and his family grew up in a very nice neighborhood, sandy family was on the other side of the road.. if you get the meaning.
How did they meet? I think it was some kind of summer camp when they were 8- 9 years old? elementary school?
How did we meet? He was with some friends, I was with my sister at a bar and they bought us a round of drinks and invited us over to join them
He was very extrovert and friendly , very confident, I am kind of introvert and not so friendly
He was handsome, was tall, wore thick rim glasses and that gave him a nerd look, he did not like to wear contacts, he was in shape and had a nice smile yeah in those days I would think that Sandy was way out of my ex fiancee league
Regarding Sandy ex, he was wealthy, older than us, a couple of times he took us on holidays all inclusive on his dime. I don't know the reason why he divorced, but at my ex wedding I saw him in the pictures.
He did not seem to care about my ex and Sandy relationship. He was really sophisticated guy and seemed like a good father to his kids
After Jenny's divorced all the friend group cut her off. I am still in touch with her every once in a while but would not consider her a friend
Yes, my ex paid for the holidays and the trips. We went to Germany once for some work training, I did not like it very much as I was alone for the whole time.
Yes I was judgmental and I think the social status clouded me
No I am not still stalking him, every once in a while curiosity gets the best of me and I snoop on his wife's social media or on one of his friends
My therapist mentioned one thing that the judge said, that has stayed with me. How would I feel or how would my family feel if my ex did everything I did? It would be scary..very scary and I would probably be traumatized.
I wanted to post this long update because it is very important to get the message across, actions have consequences I faced and still am facing mine. We are only getting one side of the story, I must confess when me and my sister did all those things we felt right and justified, for some reason I believed I could change the outcome of something I had created, if it was a man doing these things to me, my sister or my daughter, I would be terrified. I have been to support groups, therapy session, victims advocacy, did a lot of community service, I heard horrifying stories, with horrifying results, justice was kind to me, I do not know what my ex told the prosecutor or if he spoke with the judge or sent a letter, but I was lucky, people have gotten more for less, my ex could have been cruel, he could have requested the judge for the maximum penalty, a felony charge that would most certainly have landed me in prison, he could of taken his car back, he could have not paid for the therapy, he did not, he just wanted to be left alone, The judge made it very clear that she was not happy with the end result, my lawyer told me so.
Help your friends, help your community if someone close to you is having trouble with obsessive behavior, anger issues, harassment, depression, trouble thoughts, get them help, listen to them, if you are in a dark place, it's ok to ask for help, there is no shame in it. Once in a relationship it is on you and on your partner how much you have to reveal about your past, honesty is good, but not a deal breaker, we all carry luggage and we all have a past that we cannot change.
No means No
This will definitely be my last update, I am done with this saga. It's been 10 years and that's enough, also I finally learned what TLDR stands for so
TLDR: Girl finds old reddit post, updates, gets what she wants, gets consequences, gets help, learns, and gets better.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
Part 1 My roommate is a "Sick girl" and it's driving me nuts : r/badroommates
Part 2 My Roommate Is A "Sick Girl" And Has Locked Me Out Of The Apartment! [Update] : r/badroommates
Part 4 My roommate has decided, preemptively, to not pay Jan rent before moving out in Feb. : r/legaladvice
Part 5 My Roommate Is A "Sick Girl" And Is Telling Everyone That I'm Abusive! [Update] : r/badroommates
Part 6 My Roommate is a 'Sick Girl' and She is OUT OF MY LIFE!!! [March Update, FINAL!] : r/badroommates
Part 8 [1yr Update] My Roommate Was A "Sick Girl" And I Cut Her Out : r/badroommates
Part 1 Neighbour thinks I breed rats in my greenhouse : r/neighborsfromhell
(Part 1 can be found in r/NeighborsFromHell They Wont Stop Throwing Fireworks At ME.)
Part 2 Update to neighbour thinks I breed rats in my greenhouse : r/neighborsfromhell
part 3 2nd update to neighbour thinks I breed rats in my greenhouse : r/neighborsfromhell
Part 4 The lighter side of rats and cheese : r/Cheese
Part 5 Rats and neighbour : r/neighborsfromhell
Part 6 Very small update to neighbour thinks I breed rats in the greenhouse : r/neighborsfromhell
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/notyourdadjustadingo
I (34f) found a text thread where my fiancé (32m) told a friend he is worried about our wedding photos
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming!<
Original Post - rareddit July 19, 2020
My fiancé Dave and I have been dating two years and live together. Earlier today I was using his iPad to watch a show in our room because I wasn’t feeling well and we don’t have a TV in our room. We don’t use the iPad much, maybe a couple times a month.
While I was watching he was getting texts from a friend of his Mike. The banner just said “text message” so I kept swiping up but they were coming on so fast. At one point I accidentally opened the text convo.
So to start I’m not a beauty. It doesn’t mean I’m not confident though. There’s rarely a day that goes by where I look in the mirror and am unsatisfied with my appearance. How people treat women who do not fit any mold of “attractiveness” is a story for a different day but, I’ve often been referred to as a “starter girlfriend” or “stepping stone” and that my exes had no confidence since they chose to date me, or were closeted, and every guy I’ve ever asked out has always said no. I’m not someone to date just to date, I don’t chase guys anymore, generally I’ve stayed away from dating.
It took some time to trust that someone was interested in me and wasn’t going to drop me when someone “better” came along.
So the texts were Dave sending pictures of me to his friend trying to figure out what my “best angle” is. Mike said that my left side is “tolerable I guess, if anything you should tell the photographer to focus on that side.”
Dave expressed his frustration like “I think I do want to marry her but maybe you’re right just ask the photographer to edit some things here and there.” And Mike said, “it would make you both feel better. Maybe just have photos of her straight on since she looks best that way.”
I was more offended than hurt, and I’m still more offended than hurt. I know I’m not attractive but to say I need editing in my own wedding pictures is so rude and demeaning.
I took screenshots with my phone and handed the iPad back to Dave so the first thing you see when you open it is the conversation.
He asked me how the movie was and I told him it was great, then we had lunch. I wear my heart on my sleeve and he knew immediately something was up and kept pestering me about it.
I kept saying I was still feeling off but he kept asking. So I told him he should talk to Mike about his concerns, since he and Mike have so many opinions about me. He kinda turned white for a second before asking me what I meant. I handed him his iPad and I went to our bedroom and shut the door.
He hasn’t come to talk to me for a few hours which is killing me. We usually talk things through but I don’t know what to do. I know he hasn’t left the apartment.
TL;DR: Caught my fiancé telling a friend he wants our photographer to post-edit my appearance in our upcoming wedding photos. I am so offended and don’t know how to approach this.
TOP COMMENTS
witty_punny_name
>Oh man. My heart broke for you reading this. You don't need to settle for someone who doesn't love you completely, and unconditionally. It's true when they say love is blind. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't be worrying about how you will look in your wedding photos, and he absolutely wouldn't be allowing his friend to put you down for your looks. I know the thought of spending your life alone is scary and depressing, but trust me, it is way better than spending your life in a bad relationship. You deserve so much better.
~
anonymys
> I've typed out the beginning of several replies, OP, hoping I could be reasonable, but honestly, I'm just so fucking pissed for you. > > You deserve someone who has more respect for you than to discuss behind your back how best to make you "palatable" in his wedding photos. You deserve someone who thinks you're gorgeous all of the time, regardless of what society at large thinks. You deserve someone whose only concern for your looks in the wedding photos (and every day for the rest of ever) is whether he's lucky enough to be the reason for the huge, lovely smile that's gracing your face. > > I don't know if you can forgive him, or whether you even should. But I do know you deserve better than to be treated like someone's accessory.
~
snortgiggles
>I "think" I want to marry her? What the hell does that mean?
toomanyrougneds
>> He's settling for someone he thinks is his inferior. Why that is I can't imagine, unless he was hoping she would be too afraid of being alone to leave him. >> >> His attitude is so, so "Mr. Darcy before Hunsford".
Update - rareddit Aug 16, 2020 (1 month later)
I posted this post about a month ago.
There were a lot of comments, but more often than not the comments told me to leave and how I don't deserve him. And all that.
We had a civil conversation (our first for a while) and he told me he had been wanting to break up for a while but didn't think it was right. Apparently he cares about me but had been wanting to break up for a while, but he felt bad. And said he doesn't know how to handle criticism about our relationship from other people.
So I took that advice and left.
It only took a few days, and I hired movers to take my things. We talked a few times but I was really busy with work and packing that we stayed away from each other.
I found an apartment for rent and here I am. It's a really nice place, and I'm happy it is. But I can't say that I'm much happier. If anything I might be a little worse off, I guess.
Like in my original post, I mentioned how I'm aware of how I look. And now that I'm alone it's all I can really think about. Talking about it with my family just leads to things like, "oh you're great, you're too beautiful to deal with someone so ugly," just kinda of made it worse. All my friends are pretty and the way we are treated in public is just a reminder. Going out in a group to a club is a photographer getting shots of them, and one asked me to take a picture of him with everyone else. I've generally paid for more than half of everything (I'm not saying guys should pay for anything, but my friends are always getting things from their boyfriends or husbands, even cars). And I'm definitely excited for them but it is just a reminder.
I've been trying to work out more because I gained about 20lbs since we started dating, so I work out some but more often I snooze my alarm. There is a novel I am trying to write and I've gotten some written but I am having trouble staying motivated. I read and then I get inspiration and write like 200 - 400 words once or twice a day which is good so far. I found my 360 and have been playing Oblivion again lol. And I draw a little. But my apartment is an absolute mess.
And like I don't miss him or anything, it's actually quite nice being on my own. But I am just so... sad? I don't have a distraction maybe? I can't really put my finger on it.
But overall I am doing well. Everyone was right about leaving him, because we'd both grown pretty agitated with one another and it was reaching a breaking point. Living alone has helped a lot.
TL;DR: Broke up with fiance over him saying he didn't think he wanted to marry me. Now I'm kinda going through a depression but I'll be ok.
TOP COMMENT
Mindtaker
> Look all your feelings are valid as fuck, so feel those feelings and I hope you get better regarding being depressed. > > I will just say this then let you get back to slaying monsters and kicking ass. > > I was my wifes first actual boyfriend. She is disabled and she doesn't think she is pretty (I think she is gorgeous). She was 36 when we met. > > You are never too old, you never don't have enough "Experience" lifes just an unfair bullshit game that we all have to play. Enjoy this time to yourself, use it to remember why you do kick ass, so that when you meet the right person, you love yourself, which is the only way you will be capable of fully loving someone else. > > Cheers. Oblivion is an awesome game.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
#please read the original BORU post first that is linked below.
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/deleted in r/TrueOffMyChest
trigger warnings: >!stalking, honestly misogyny and agism from OOP’s part!<
mood spoilers: >!Sad for OOP!<
#1)PREVIOUS BORU POST
#2)THE NEW UPDATE
I don’t know if you remember me. I was here some months ago and you helped me a great deal to cope with my grief. I talked about how my ex husband was falling for my boss and I was watching it happening with no power to do anything about it. I hope I can find all my old posts and include them in my bio in case you don’t remember me.
I filed for divorce and a restraining order against him and last time I talked to him was when he came home crying and yelling at me trying to make me talk to my boss to tell her that he wasn’t the creep I made him out to be when I spoke with my boss. I never saw him again after I refused to “help” him win her back. A month later his lawyer sent me a letter telling me that my ex husband had moved to another city and that he terminated the lease on the apartment. I had until the end of February to vacate. I moved back temporarily with my family. I never seen or heard from my ex again. Like I never existed in his life. He signed the divorce papers the second he got them and didn’t ask for trial period. I meant nothing to him.
At work everything was back to normal. I rarely saw my boss but the few times I did she just nodded in acknowledgment with a smile. She didn’t know who I was before. She wasn’t coming to work as often as she usually did anyway and she was home sick more often than she did. She usually is a working bee. I was glad she didn’t try to take out her revenge on me for what happened. She just ignored the subject and never spoke to me again.
I found out that my ex-husband found a new job and apartment in his new city and that he was seeing a therapist. I heard that he was trying to build his life back up because all of our friends and our families knew what kind of a creepy stalker he was now and the reason why we got a divorce and he couldn’t handle the pressure. I heard that he cut contact with many of our mutual friends, those who defended and sided with me.
I also found my own place. I put a down payment on a small apartment near my work and my family and I was finally starting to come out of my shell. Yesterday the divorce was finalized and I finally felt some sort of hope. Some freedom. This chapter is done. I don’t know when and where I will find love. I guess I need to start with learning how to trust again before loving and giving myself to someone. I was optimistic. That until my friend sent me a screenshot of my ex husband’s IG. He had blocked me months ago but yesterday, the day our divorce was finalized, he made a post with his hand hugging a woman’s belly. The caption was I can’t wait to meet you. I will love you like I love your mother and I will do so until the end of my time.
The woman in the picture is my boss. Today I asked around the office and the rumors are that she is in a long distance relationship with her bf. She also announced her pregnancy on her socials and everyone was congratulating her.
Will this pain ever go? What have I ever done to deserve this cruelty?
#Edit for some other POV, thanks to the user who found it❤️ u/Arifault
the husband (or someone from his family)
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/[deleted] in r/TrueOffMyChest.
Trigger warning: >!stalking!<
Mood Spoiler: >!I'm speachless!<
Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/xzkx2d/myf26_husband_m29_is_obsessed_with_my_bossf38_and/
I started this job about 1,5 years ago. I can’t say what it is because I want us to stay anonymous and our country is very small so my boss would probably be recognized. The moment I started I felt like I was in the right place. My boss, the owner of the company is very cool and kind. She’s self-made and she loves her job. She does lot of the dirty work herself that bosses who has 30-35 employees wouldn’t have to do. But she just loves it. On top of that, we have a 6h work day, our salaries are 20% higher than the market and we have 7 paid vacation weeks a year. Her reasons? She appreciates us and she’s getting richer anyway. I was so proud of working with a woman like her so I wouldn’t shut up talking about her to my husband. Especially in the beginning. My husband was as fascinated by her as I am until he met her in a company party last Christmas. She must’ve been beautiful when she was young. She could’ve been a model.
I think his fascination became a crush or an obsession or maybe worse, love. Now he follows her on SM. Her accounts are private but he stalk her with my account. He also follows the company IG and likes every picture she’s in. He asks about her all the time.
She’s a very private person but when her divorce from her ex husband was finalized in the beginning of this year we all found out because he started showing up to work. He owned 1/2 her company now and he started to try to make changes in our work hours and salaries. We found out that her husband had cheated on her with a younger girl who he also tried to employ in our company(she still works with us). She (probably lawyers involved) eventually convinced her husband to sell her back his share. We’re still in this process now.
My husband has followed all this and he was so sad for her. And so angry. How could anyone do this when they had a woman like her? If it was him he would cherish her, love her, bla bla bla. Who leaves a woman for a girl. I got very angry and told him that all men prefer younger women if they could choose. He laughed at me and told me only losers do that.
The last drop was last Friday. We were out for a movie night and we saw my boss with a young man. He looked in his mid 20’s. My husband lost it. “He didn’t know that she dated younger men” he wanted us to go say hello but I refused and yelled at him to control himself because he looked pathetic.
When we got home he was frenetically going through her SM. Until he found the guy and he sighed in relief. The guy was her nephew and we didn’t see the whole company but they were out with other family members. My husband was so happy like a weight lifted off his chest. I lost it on him. I started crying and yelling and told him he was in love with her and he was shocked when I pushed and kicked him out of our bedroom. I locked the door. He stood outside trying to calm me down telling me he loved me and I’m his girl and always will be. Then he said something that ruined me even further. “It’s not like someone like her would look my way.”
I haven’t slept since then. Why is he feeling like this? Is it love? Infatuation? She’s too old for my husband so what is it? And why would he think he couldn’t have her? He’s very handsome and still young. She should feel lucky a young handsome man likes her. And does he mean I’m less than her to accept him? Or is it purely her money and status? He refuses to admit anything.
And what can I do now? I love this job. I love the benefits. Thanks to this job our life has improved and we can afford more than just the necessities. I’m starting to hate my boss though and I hate myself for idolizing her in front of my husband.
Edit: sorry this is getting longer. But I have spoken to my mother, sister, granny and some friends about this. And about what happened last Friday and they all think I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
​
Update on the same sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zbgbct/i_just_found_out_that_my_husband_separated_is/
Hi, I'm in so much pain and I don't know what to do. I don't want to do something stupid while hurting. I got a lot of good advice last time I was here so I don't know, maybe you can help me this time too? my old post is linked in my bio. I hope you read it before this one because I don't want to tell the whole story again.
I went against my family and friends and asked my husband for separation. I felt like my heart couldn't take it anymore, my intuition told me that my husband wasn't all mine. This was shortly after the event at the movies. My husband was in total confusion. He said that I was making a mistake making a mountain out of a molehill but he moved in with his brother however. We decided to start couples counselling too. It went well the first 3 weeks or so but my husband became more and more reluctant to participate and sometimes he just canceled on me last second. He stopped showing up this month and he also stopped calling and texting me. I was even more heartbroken but it just solidified that my intuition was right and that I was doing the right thing seeing that he is not interested in working on us anymore.
I chose not to quit my job. I still loved it with all the heartbreak and I really needed the benefits, like I'm the only one I know who is having a 3 weeks paid vacation around Christmas and new year. I never see my boss anyway and she does't even know of my existence.
My husband eventually stopped being active on instagram and I thought it was normal because we were going through adversities uni yesterday when his brother shared my husbands stories of the night. My husband was in a restaurant holding a woman's hand, I could only see her hand. So my husband has just "blocked" me and my family and friends from seeing his updates. I commented WTF? and this morning my husband called me, for the first time in month, totally scared and started begging please don't ruin this for me, please don't ruin this for me. I told him what do you mean? He said don't tell her about us. I never made the connection at first. It never ever crossed my mind even. THAT WOMAN IN THE PICTURE WAS MY BOSS! I started crying and screaming at him. How could you do this to me? How could you tell my that it was all in my head when it's obviously all over your instagram? He said it just happened. I dumped HIM and he was single and just happened to find her on bumble. He begged me not to ruin this for him. She knows he's in the process of divorce but she doesn't know that he already knew who she was or that she was the boss of his stbx. They have been seeing each other for 6 weeks(about 2 weeks after I asked him to move) and it is getting serious. He begged for a good 5 minuets telling me how he hasn't been this happy in all his life and that I shouldn't ruin his happiness since, again, I was the one who ENDED our marriage.
I have been crying since this morning. I don't know what to do. I want to ruin him and his "happiness" but I don't know if I have any right to do that AND I'm so worried about losing my job. Please help!
Edit for new information: Ok my husband has been calling me nonstop and I have now answered him. He is panicking about me telling her everything so he begged me to give him the chance to tell her himself. His words were, I never stalked her or creeped on her. I just fell for her and was scared that she would think I was creepy since you thought the same. Give me a chance to tell her the truth in my own pace so at least she doesn't think I'm a liar or a freak like you seem to think. He still swears they matched on bumble (I didn't know what that is until now but it is like tinder?)
I'm just devastated right now. He has no regards for me and my feelings. Everything he is thinking of is not to scare her away. When I told him this he said that I was the one who left him. People fall out of love and that okay and no one's fault and that I was in the right for ending the relationship but I was the one who ended it all the same. "Don't hurt us and I promise to give you everything you want. She is happy with me so don't hurt us"
Last Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zelfmz/i_just_found_out_that_my_husband_separated_is/
I just found out that my husband (separated) is dating my boss. I don't know what to do. Update. -- 6 December 2022.
Hi
(Please see my previous posts because this is just the update).
I talked to my boss yesterday (Monday) after lunch. I told her everything. Basically how I was so happy I found this job, how I looked up to her and was proud to be working for someone like her and that this rubbed off on my husband who grew more obsessed with her each day. I apologized for using "obsessed" because I didn't know how things were between them but that it was how I perceived his feelings. I told her about the day at the movie and how it basically made me realize that our issues were greater than I thought. I told her that I know and accept that my marriage is over and that my husband didn't love me anymore and that the reason I'm telling her now isn't to judge or blame her but to let her know the whole story because it's just fair that she knows that he has been following her life for over a year now. "Because from what I understood from my husband, you are under the impression that you just matched with him on a dating app" I said.
She was silent the whole time I was talking, just listening to me until I mentioned the dating app and that's when she interrupted me "That's not how we met. He has been a patron at my gym for the past 6 months, maybe year" she said. I know her gym, it's the one across our workplace. She works out there every morning before coming work. I didn't know he had joined it because I knew him to be a member at the gym near our home. He has been, without telling me, working out just across the street from me every morning without telling me. She looked like how I felt, SHOCKED. I apologized and told her that he has kept dating her a secret from me and that he begged me not to talk to her telling me that he hasn't been this happy and so on. She didn't say much, just thanked me for telling her.
Today she asked if she could talk to me. She apologized for everything that happened to me and asked if I needed any help, I said no. She thanked me again. When I got home, my husband was there. He had called me att least 50 times but my phone was on silent. He was crying, calling me bitter and vindictive and pathetic. He said I ruined his relationship and future. She is scared of him now and it is all my fault. He wants me to tell her that he is not dangerous nor is he a pervert. He wants me to tell her that I was the one who wanted a divorce and that people fall out and in love and it is nobody's fault and neither is it creepy. He hasn't done anything wrong. He stayed faithful to me and would have stayed that way if I didn't kick him out. He asked me if I ever felt unsafe with him to make rumors about him being a stalker and a creep. I should tell the truth. I asked him to leave and that I'm starting the divorce and from now on he could only contact me once I got a lawyer through them.
I have been crying since he left. We haven't seen each other for weeks and he had no feelings what so ever for me. he looked demented and full of sorrow like a broken little boy. How could he change this fast? before we separated he held me and begged me to believe him and his love for me. was it all a lie? my whole entire relationship? good night and thank you for the support. This is a throwaway and I will be deleting it soon. I just thought I would update before doing that.
​
Reminder: I'm not the original poster.
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/menumessages in r/relationship_advice
This is a famous nice guy reddit post that went viral in 2017. Long with many parts.
Update - this post was originally autodeleted and approved 1.5 days later, which is why I reposted it to my profile and the niceguys sub.
Original: Me [32M] with my coworker/friend [24/F] of one year, how do I let her know she is in an abusive relationship with her bf[24m] - 12 July 2017
So a little background to start off with:
I work for a nonprofit where I'm the supervisor of 10 people that work under me. Last fall a young woman, lets call her Jennifer started to work with us through an outside fellowship. Now she's the kind of person that just commands attention as soon as she walks into the room. She is very pretty but just has one of those personalities that everyone likes you know? I had to train her when she first started but was very surprised by how quickly she picked everything up. We do a lot of legal work and it's not easy for people without previous experience to learn so quickly. So this should give you a good idea of the kind of person she is.
I immediately took a liking to her because of her work but also how easy she was to talk to. During our training, I would say we became pretty close. So much so that I would text her outside of work about non work related stuff. Also she sends me snapchats a lot, random stuff like shows shes watch like friends do. We even go to happy hour alone sometimes and I think I am the closest to her at work. One time she even had lunch with my mom and I when my mom was visiting town.
So she is someone I consider a very good friend and want the best for her.
Now here's the problem. About two months into her working with us, I found out she has a boyfriend. TO CLARIFY I DO NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC INTERESTS AND DO NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I really don't care that she has a boyfriend but felt a little manipulated that she never mentioned him before. I am supervisor, been training her for a few months, we have been talking about a lot of stuff so it just comes off as hiding something. People who work in small offices will know what I'm talking about.
It was a little hard for me to trust her after that but I kept it to myself. She was still a great employee and her having a boyfriend did not change anything because apparently she has been with this guy for 5 years now. He doesn't live in the same city and they barely see each other from what I understand.
So months go by and everything is going really well. So much so that I was even thinking about recommending her for a promotion. We became even closer during this time. About two weeks ago our parent group is hosted a fundraising gala. I asked Jennifer if she wold like to go with me and she said yes. I always have a great time with her so I was really looking forward to it. The night of the gala I called to see when I should pick her up and she said her boyfriend was in town and he would drop her off so she will just meet me there.
This is the first red flag I noticed. Is this guy really that insecure that he can't even let her date take her to this gala? Five years and this insecure? That's a problem. But I just agree and say okay I will meet her there. I get to the gala and start to mingle. She eventually gets there but I don't approach her. Honestly, still pretty bothered by what happened earlier so I wanted her to come to me and apologize. She came up to me and we talked but she never apologized for what she did but I ignored it. Soon we were talking just like before and honestly really enjoying each other's company.
Here's when I noticed the second red flag. Jennifer and I were talking to another couple when she excused herself because she had to take a call from her boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude and she has never done something like this before. A little later she comes back and says that her boyfriend is picking her up and she will leave early.
THIRD RED FLAG. She was very much looking forward to this night and suddenly she wants to leave early? You know when you can just tell someone isn't happy in their situation? Yeah I definitely felt it right away.
A little while later he gets there and I shit you not, this idiot walked into the gala wearing shorts and a t shirt. I almost wanted to laugh but I didn't want to embarrass him. Jennifer introduces me to him and I make pleasantries but I do make a joke about how must feel a little out of place. He says something like "nah, not really sticking around so not a big deal." Okay? I don't really get what that has to do with anything. My point was that he was at a black tie event dressed like he is going to the gym, I don't care if you're for five minutes or five hours, that's weird. So you can already see he is getting an attitude with me for no reason. I follow up with, "well there are some really important people here" and his response was something like, "I've met senators wearing flip flops, I think I'll be okay."
Holy shit, I'm getting angry writing this. But you see what I'm talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. So anyways, as she is leaving, I tell her to let me know if she gets home okay.
It gets around midnight and she hasn't sent me a single message. So I sent her a text and no reply. I sent her another around 1am saying I am worried and just to let me know if she is okay. No reply. I have a hard time sleeping that night because I am genuinely concerned. It's just the kind of person I am. I need to know my friends are okay or it bothers me.
I wake up the next morning after getting really bad sleep and she still hasn't responded. This makes me upset because I can see she has uploaded pictures on facebook but yet won't respond to my text. The only explanation is that her boyfriend is the reason. She always responds to me and at most a few hours later. So Sunday night I finally send another message really detailing how upset I was with how she was treating me. Also how I think how much control I feel her boyfriend was exerting over her was really making me lose respect for her. I always thought she is this strong independent woman and suddenly this guy is controlling who she can or can't talk to. Of course I get no reply.
Monday, inevitably we see each other at work and she confronts me the first thing in the morning. Before I even get a chance to speak, she says I made her uncomfortable and she wants to just finish her last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work.
This was about two weeks ago. I was really upset at first but honestly I've done a lot of reading. When you are in an abusive relationship, you stop seeing the world the way it is and only the way the abuser wants you to see. It makes me really sad that I am losing a good friend because her boyfriend has insecurity issues.
So a few concerns here. She started dating him 5 years ago meaning she was only 19 and therefore this is pretty much the only adult "relationship" she knows. Also the guy is a lobbyist! She wants to work in public service, help immigrants and refugees but yet dates a lobbyist? Does she really not see the contradiction here?
I think over the past five years he has done a good job gaslighting her and it's to the point where it's affecting her relationship with other people and it breaks my heart to see this happen to a good friend.
My question is this: what is the best approach to let her know of these concerns I have? How can you make someone who refuses to see reality to actually see what is happening? I have spoken to my mother and we both agree it would be best that she is also there when I approach Jennifer. However, do you think it should just be me alone or it would be better having a motherly figure also there to talk about something this serious? And if we have this conversation and she still refuses to break up with her abusive boyfriend, what are the final steps that I should take? To be frank, I'm not sure I can remain friends with her if she continues to date him. I'm simply not the kind of person who will stick by someone who is willingly ruining their own life.
I can't stop thinking about this and haven't gotten any work done today. I really look forward to your suggestions and thank you for all your help. For any of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, get out before it's too late.
tl;dr: My pretty good friend is in an abusive relationship but won't notice it. How do I get her to notice for her own good but also the future of our friendship?
----------------
UPDATE 1 (July 12, 2017): OP posts a modified version of the story to a new sub, r/relationships on the same day. This post was deleted and I cannot find an archive copy, but since this post went live a helpful redditor (who asked not be cited as a source) has contacted me with a transcription of the post
Me [32M] with my good friend [24F] duration, want to help her get out of abusive relationship
Edit: The other post had a lot of irrelevant information that caused people to troll and locked. I am seriously looking for advice to help a friend. Please only give advice based on information on this post. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY ADVICE REGARDING THIS POST AND THIS POST ONLY PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT.
I’ll keep this short. Basically I work with a girl who is very self confident, independent, and all around a good person. A few weeks ago I met her boyfriend of 5 years and noticed a lot of changes after he met me.
She was not allowed to text friends back, she had to cancel some plans with me, and he even forced her to say she couldn’t speak to me for the rest of her fellowship. She is someone I consider a really good friend and it breaks my heart to see someone as strong as her losing all her friends because her boyfriend is now controlling who she can speak to.
What is the best approach I can take without making this worse for her?
tl;dr: Really close friend is in an abusive relationship and she does not know how to get out. How can I help?
Here are some top comments and OP's responses.
(top comment) Funny, the last time you posted this, you had a lot more details which made you look like a creepy, controlling "nice guy" who is massively overstepping his professional relationship with a coworker by trying to save her from an imaginary abusive relationship based on your own twisted conclusions. Luckily, it's still in your post history so everyone should take a look. She told you to leave her alone. Do that.
(another comment) Her wanting to spend the little time she has with her boyfriend, with her boyfriend, does not mean she is an abusive relationship. It means she is in a normal relationship. To be completely honest, you seem like an entitled narcissist. You can't imagine that a coworker would rather spend time with her boyfriend than you, so you create a fantasy where she is a damsel in distress and you are the hero. The only abusive relationship she is in, is with you.
(OP's reply to above, via profile) Nope again twisting my words. You are saying I am upset that she wants to spend time with her boyfriend and that is not the case. I am upset because a good friend is being abused by her boyfriend.
I wasn't upset he drove her to the party, I was upset that he was so insecure he wouldn't let her go to a gala with her friend already had plans with.
I wasn't upset he picked her up, I was upset he made her leave from an event that she was really looking forward to, got all dressed up for, and would meet really important people that will help propel her career.
I wasn't upset she was bus with her boyfriend instead of messaging me. I was upset that he is deciding who she can and can't text after meeting someone for a few fucking minutes.
You're twisting my words and pretty badly I might add. Don't quit your day job.
----------------
On the same day OP also posts the following on r/legaladvice
UPDATE 2 (July 12, 2017): NEW YORK, NEW YORK: Is it possible for an employer to get a restraining order for a friend on her behalf?
Let's say I have friend who is currently in an extremely abusive relationship to the point where it is affecting her work. I am also her supervisor. Would it be possible for me to ask for a restraining order from her boyfriend? Let's say she is in such a bad state the she cannot ask herself, is being forced not to. But me, along with a few other people see how bad it is and want to get her out. Therefore if we have several people that can attest to this, could this make a difference? Like can we make an argument that she has been abused so badly she cannot make this decision for herself? If this is not technically possible, what is my next best course of action?
Thank you for your help.
----------------
It appears OP is feeling a lot of anger towards his coworker, posting the following updates in r/offmychest
UPDATE 3 (July 12, 2017): And you think you're better off now? laughable
I tried to help you and you gave me a giant middle finger. Hope you enjoy the hell you got waiting for you in the future. But you probably think you're better off. This cracks me up. Just wait when you come running back and asking for forgiveness and I will just laugh at you as I am doing now.
Good luck you terrible excuse for a human being! oh and FUCK YOU.
----------------
UPDATE 4 (July 13, 2017): She is a walking contradiction and I'm the only one that sees it
You care about refugees soooo much right? You want to help immigrants? You like social justice and want to keep working at non profits? Yeah looks great in a fucking resume doesn't it?
How about you tell everyone that you're also fucking a lobbyist who raises money for the very people creating those problems to begin with?
You're a fucking liar and you may have tricked a lot of other people but I see right through you. Karma is going to hit you like a bitch and don't come running back then.
I'm only going to leave this door open for a little while longer. I hope you see the light soon because you are only fucking up your own future.
----------------
UPDATE 5 (July 13, 2017): Comment on r/askreddit on 'What gets you hopping mad?'
When people ignore all the warning signs and then complain when things end up bad. Like hey, everyone warned you but nooo you don't want to listen.
----------------
UPDATE 6 (July 20, 2017): Comment on r/askreddit on 'Who is the most delusional person you've known?'
A friend whose delusion is slowly ruining her life. But at a certain point, there's only so much you can do.
----------------
Things turn ugly, fast, on r/offmychest
Update 7 (August 3, 2017): Why did I even try?
Fucking bitch. I've been in this profession a decade longer than you. I COULD HAVE HELPED YOU MOVE FORWARD IN YOUR CAREER.
Now you're talking shit? You're really going to try to ruin my reputation when all I did was try to help?
Do you know the connections I have? You think when you leave in a month you'll just slide in easily in some new job? I will fucking ruin you and make sure everyone knows how terrible of a employee you were.
Let the games begin you dumb bitch. Try to keep your fucking legs closed for a few minutes while I fix the damage you caused. You really have no idea how nonprofits work do you? This is such a small world and you attack the one person who has helped you from the beginning. Oh and thanks for NOT showing up at my boxing match. Even though we talked about it months ago and you said you would come. This just confirms that you were never a friend and just using me. We don't need users like you in the business. I have helped 100s of people and will have 100s more. Can't wait for you to go back into your cushy life where you don't what real pain is. Leave the real work to people like me who genuinely care about helping.
----------------
OP gets reflective on r/offmychest and r/UnsentLetters
Update 8 (September 26, 2017):When you finally see the light, I won't be at the end of the tunnel anymore.
Dear friend,
Where do I even start. This Friday will be mark a month since you left. Three weeks ago marks a year since we met. I wonder if you even think about any of that, lol. Honestly, you probably do but I know he wouldn't ever let you show it.
Do you know that I haven't even had the strength to go on social media or reddit for awhile now? It reminds me too much of the memes we shared on snapchat. But I'm tired of holding back my happiness because you choose to be dense.
I remember like yesterday when you first walked in, nervous, unsure, but beautiful nonetheless. I immediately introduced myself (this is something I never do as I have to maintain a role of authority but something about you was different, well I thought so anyways). I could see that just speaking to me changed your demeanor. I had an effect on you. You never really worked in an office before and didn't realize how cold it would be. I offered you my blazer and you were so thankful. It put a smile on face but it was also when I first noticed that we would become good friends. Man, how things changed, huh?
To be honest, I probably never should have become such a good friend to you. There lies my biggest mistake. People always tell me I'm too trusting and friendly and until now, I really didn't want to believe it lol. But I took you under my wing. With my help you picked things up so quickly, faster than anyone I saw in a decade of this business. You had a future in this, you were promising. See how I said had? lol
I still get a smile when I think about that meeting we had to present to Roger. You were so nervous, visibly shaking. Do you remember who gave you the encouraging words so you could go out there? Do you remember how delighted he was and all the compliments he gave you? You were ecstatic. You were made for this and I was the one to show you that you could do it. On our way back from the presentation I took you the Halal food truck. I still can't believe you never tried it! Haha, but you loved it. You would snapchat me every time you went.
But you threw it all away because you were weak. It really isn't your fault I know but I can't help but be angry that you were so weak. You let him gaslight you, abuse you, control you. He decided who your friends were, he decides who you text, he decides how long you stay out. But at the end of the day, you accepted it. You let him and for that I don't think I can ever forgive you. I tried so hard to get through to you but instead you turned on me. You almost ruined everything I worked for but alas you came to your senses and at least dropped the ridiculous accusations. I guess I can at least respect that.
It's just really sad. There was a position open that you would have been perfect for. I told you it was going to open up very early on when we met. I was preparing you for it. IF you didn't leave, you would be starting Monday. But no, another more qualified person will. Someone who actually wants to help people and not just themselves.
What truly hurt is when you didn't show up to my match. I told you about how hard I have been working and you pretended to be so supportive. You promised you wouldn't miss it, but where were you? I know you had nothing to do that night, I saw you status about how you started binging True Blood (something I introduced you to btw), so what was your excuse? Gross. Your behavior is just gross.
We could have built an empire. But I will now build it on my own. I was always going to, I just thought I would help a friend along in the journey. But it will be truly interesting when you're broke, lonely, and depressed in a few years because of this terrible mistake. When you come back to me looking for help and I will no longer be the guy who bends over backwards for you. I hope you remember that
YOU made this decision.
YOU chose him over your future.
YOU chose him over your career.
YOU chose him over your friends that really cared for you.
It's sad, pathetic really. I feel bad but also amused and angry.
Today has been just hard because I found out the person we interviewed will start Monday. It just brought back a lot of memories and I just had to vent.
But you probably don't care. You were acting just to boost your own ego, not because you ever cared about the people we helped. You are a sad and broken person. You are pathetic and it disgusts me how you acted at the end.
But you will just be a smudge in my memories.
Good luck kid, you're going to need it.
Sincerely,
----------------
One last, snarky comment that may or may not have been about 'Jennifer'. Recovered from OP's user profile.
Update 9 (October 7 2017): comment on r/AskReddit What was the worst case of computer illiteracy you have ever witnessed?
An employee of mine (younger btw, 20s) didn't know how to turn a word document into a pdf. On the application she wrote "proficient at microsoft word and excel." Lol, yeah okay.
----------------
And last but not least, a twist! A response from 'Jennifer's' boyfriend after OP's first post appeared in r/niceguys on July 13. May or may not be bullshit, but adding all the same.
Comment from throawaya0101:
I'm a little late but I'm pretty sure I'm the evil boyfriend this guy is referring to.
I actually had difficulty remembering the details because of how untrue and inconsistent the OP's descriptions of the events were. Super eerie and surreal all around though.
(on being asked if his girlfriend went to HR) HR was pretty cool with with her and let her transfer to a different part of the company. I don't really know the details but she's working with brand new team than her previous one.
(on asked if OP wass disciplined) There was an official report about the incident but no word on any actions after that. We haven't had any other contact from Mr. Niceguy either.
(longer response in comment on August 12)
Sorry I'm late again but yea we've talked over the details a couple of times while this incident happened. I'll just note the severe inconsistencies
It was during the fundraiser that he started being really creepy towards her. He started by introducing her as his date and kept insisting they were more than friends. Eventually he became overly touchy, always trying to grab her lower back or always reaching to hold her hand. She finally had enough when he offered the two of them go somewhere "quiet" together. She called me and told me to pick her up immediately.
's interesting the note that his version included a conversation between us but that never happened. I was picking up some free food and drinks when my girlfriend immediately grabbed me and introduced me to the guy. I said hello and he didn't say a word. He kind of glared at me and muttered something I couldn't hear. Then he awkwardly tried to give my girlfriend a hug but she quickly turned away and he said to call him when she comes home. She said she almost threw up when he said that.
The whole thing really caught her by surprise because my she said he was a really nice guy for the majority of the year. It was only around summer time, he started acting strange. She only has a couple weeks left with that company and she's going to be moving with me to to a new place, so I don't really care what happens to that guy. Hope he find Jesus or something though.
​
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.*