I always end up pestering my friends by over texting. Not sure how to stop this because I get too nervous to reach out to others. I end up using people as a crutch socially. My friends are pretty kind but I worry that I seem desperate or codependent :,)
If I didn’t have social anxiety I’d probably consider myself an extrovert but I still lean closer to introversion right now.
I wonder if masking is an instinctive response or if it’s a learned response that is caused by feelings of alienation. I think I’d be a fun person to hang out with if I wasn’t so worried about being harassed.
There’s nowhere to go and I can’t even find it in me to look anymore. No one wants to make space for me and I don’t offer anything because the people who raised me failed miserably, creating a mess of a person.
I don’t even want to make it to 18. It’ll just be another awful day and I’ll probably be kicked out the second my mom realizes she can’t control my every move. I’d live with my dad but then I’d have to help pay rent and he’s an emotionally unavailable addict. I don’t want him selling my stuff.
Where I live, foster kids go missing constantly. Like constantly to the point where they’re not accepting more kids. My baby brother was given back to his homeless, strung out mom.
Idk why I’m writing this, honestly lol. I just want to relate with someone.
People have such split opinions on me. I was asked out as a joke and called ugly/annoying a lot but I was also called pretty/funny. I’ve been called good and bad, smart and stupid, etc.
I can’t form an accurate picture of myself from an outer lens and it drives me insane. How do people see me? Whatever environment I’m in, I try to blend in. I guess no one gets to see the real me but idk who the real me is either so it’s not like I can suddenly show them. I’m so used to masking that I can’t even use my old voice anymore.
Just want you guys to know that this was worded wayy better in my head.
My mom won’t stop having extremely loud sex. It literally scares the dog and she thinks it’s funny. My friends can’t come over because she wants to act like a fucking pedophile all the time and walk around nude when they visit. She lets her boyfriend walk around in nothing but underwear in front of me and lies to our family about it when I tell them.
For years, when I’ve looked at her I’ve felt only disgust. Every time she tries to hug me I recoil. I’m so tired of her emotional incest. When she gets a boyfriend, she’s even worse. She never actually likes them so I still have to act like her partner and I’m forced to listen to her having obnoxiously loud sex all the time on purpose.
On top of that, she dates pedos. Like, the last guy was into tech and put a tracker on her car. I stopped showering bc he traumatized me and I was convinced he hid cameras in the bathroom. The guy she’s dating now bragged about hiring a pedophile who assaulted a teen girl.
She stopped for a while because she heard my friend threaten to report her but I was on edge the entire time. Any noise I heard made me go into a panic attack because I knew she’d start exposing me to her sex life when she thought she was in the clear and that’s what happened.
It ruins my own feelings on body and sex positivity because she’s what I think about and I want to claw my face off. She’s ruined our relationship and I can’t think of a world where I’d want her in my life after I move out.
I can’t help but think everyone can see me at all times and they can hear inside my head too. I have an imaginary audience that’s always with me but I think everyone can see me and hear my thoughts, even those who aren’t in close proximity. This includes inanimate objects. Namely, my pillow. Since I was little, I’ve had to have my hand to my ear when sleeping so it can’t hear my thoughts as well. Idk how that works.
The never ending thought broadcasting and imaginary audience I have to deal with is getting to be too much. I guess this is mainly the Truman show delusion but I don’t call it that because I have “insight.” If it turns out that everyone really is fake, I don’t want to look like I never had a clue.
I hate feeling this way. The show, pluribus, kind of mirrors how I feel in my day to day life. It was refreshing to see but also made me paranoid. My family thinks I’m lying about this but I don’t even know if they’re real so maybe they just want me to suffer. I don’t talk about this stuff out loud much, sorry I sound crazy.