u/Arwen-88-95

I 31F am fucking sick of my doctor saying that despite my ADHD I’m smart enough and don’t need medication just yet for the condition.

He sees I’m high functioning, have performance at work and outwardly everything looks okay, so he says he just wants to treat my depression instead.

What he doesn’t see is the impulsive spending on my special interests, the constant behind the door crying before every work call, the constant burnout from the masking and working extra hard to do things people don’t even consider tasks!

He says that he understands it’s hard but since I have done so well so far without the medication the last two years, why not now?

I spoke to a new doctor on Practo and he said that I need addwize and half my burnout issues will be resolved and I didn’t even bring up ADHD to this new doctor.

I’ve known my doctor for a while and he’s a renowned doctor for ADHD and Autism in Bombay, and I want to trust his process but I am so so so tired of feeling the way I do when I know that I could have it easier like rest of the regular people do.

Do I trust my doctor and go along with his treatment plan or this month I start seeing a new one?

I am so so so exhausted and please understand that writing this I am very emotional and crying because of the exhaustion. So, if you have nothing kind to say, don’t say anything at all. That is always an option too!

I 31F have had cancer since 2021, with remissions and relapses. The first cancer I had was AML and the second one ovarian immature teratoma, and I unfortunately am now preparing for surgery for my ovarian cancer’s return.

So now, if you’re a medical professional, you know that I’m screwed because for germ cell cancers, platinum based chemo treatments are the only way out, and after a bone marrow transplant, having the first surgery and chemotherapy, everyone was fucking scared that I may end up having chemo induced t-AML, but that luckily didn’t happen the first time around. Unfortunately, there have been no recorded cases of AML patients being treated with platinum based chemo treatments surviving it the second time around.

I am so so so scared, so scared. I literally had so much trauma to deal with since my teens, SA, school and college bullying, parents, name it and I’ve been through it. Add ADHD and autism to the mix and wow, was my life a nightmare to live.

I weirdly feel so much anxiety for what’s to come, hardly have anyone to talk to because I everyone says I need to have positive thoughts and I can wish this away and that everything is gonna be okay.

No Rachel(childhood best friend, name changed for privacy sake), everything isn’t about manifestation and being delulu, with you sitting on a paid leave in the UK and touring around Europe, of course your life seems great! I am sick and tired of people pushing this toxic positivity on me.

I only fell in love with someone once, I unfortunately couldn’t even tell him, he’s clearly moved on and doesn’t even know I exist anymore, why would he?

I just feel so low waiting in anticipation of what’s to come, nobody really to share how I feel with, nobody who even understands what I’m going through. I made a best friend through this journey, I made a joke about how we both didn’t succumb to the 27 club, and he unfortunately passed away in 2024 when I was hospitalized for my surgery, he also told everyone to not tell me until I recovered from surgery so that I wouldn’t be sad. Lost another friend earlier this year when her AML returned and it was way too late to do anything.

Maybe I just make peace with everything? Maybe I should just give up and surrender?

I don’t know, this should have gone in my diary but I just wanted to feel seen and heard, feel human. I used to be the kind of person who got told that I see the good in people even if it wasn’t there, I would give anything to feel like me again. I just feel like I’m carrying more than I have the strength to at this moment in time and I have to put on a show to make myself look brave and happy.

I am just so tired, so tired of pretending, so tired of everything.

I have to main goals -

1. Get my portfolio out there
2. Work on reaching my goal weight through diet and exercise for my upcoming surgery

A little context

Work - I work in a product company, and I got hired by word of mouth, but am very tired from my work because of high performance punishment, the more you do good, the more your managers expect without realistic expectations. I wanna leave now, but I need to have my portfolio ready and do interview prep too.

Health - 2x cancer survivor with a second occurrence of my second cancer. I unfortunately can only wait before surgery because I have a-fib and having a lower weight means lesser anesthesia and lesser complications that arise from it. I have like the absolute last 10 kilos to go, but I am so tired all the time that another task of working on my weight loss feels impossible.

What I want -

1. Someone with a similar profile as mine so that we can maybe work together
2. Women preferably - I’m not comfortable with talking to men in general, so something this deep would be impossible for me to discuss and also too personal to share with someone I don’t trust
3. Is working on their goals too, is accountable on their own and we’re just here to support each other emotionally during out journey
4. Share daily check-ins or work together on calls, absolutely fine with that too
5. Is 31 and older! This is unfortunately a must for me. If you’re not in this age rage, please don’t make me feel bad about my choices and respect my boundaries

I want this to be a 30 day thing, my next appointments are second week on June, so by then I need to have lost some weight and definitely need to have my portfolio ready.

I want to finalize this by the end of this week and get started ASAP. Let me know in the comments if you’re interested and I’ll send you a DM. Please do mention your age, gender and goals when leaving comments. Low effort comments won’t be entertained.

Thanks!

I am also struggling with my ADHD so there is executive dysfunction, and I cannot really bring myself to do anything related to my job.

It’s an awesome thing my psychologist told me that ADHD is not a motivation problem, it’s an intent problem because tell me why I made an English Breakfast today, with sourdough bread, everything from scratch, I completed not one but TWO ~1000 piece lego sets, did my laundry AND cleaned and reorganized my room. Yeah, I did ALL that, but a work task I couldn’t even bring myself to do.

Please don’t tell me the obvious thing that start for 5 minutes, do the pomodoro, and what have you. Trust me, I tried all that, I started at my blank screen and NOTHING.

So, if you’ve been in a rut like this, I want to know what helped you. Body doubling used to help me a lot, but then, the person I used to work with just vanished and I don’t know what happened, that’s the one thing about only connecting online. I’m thinking of trying to do it again, but, let’s see if there’s something else out there that can help.