u/Aware_Help903

Okay, before I start, I'd like to issue a trigger warning. I'll be covering a lot of sensitive sexual topics here.

I'm gonna do my best to give a proper explanation of what got me here, one that's detailed but also one that's of a sensible length, because I really have a lot to say about this, so much that if I said it all here I'd definitely reach character limit. So I apologize if any details I give feel too vague, feel free to request further expansion on anything in the comments if necessary.

My story starts in 5th grade. I was 10-11 years old. Towards the middle of the year, I was sexually assaulted by a classmate. One day, during recess, he had lured me to a space on school grounds far from the other kids who were outside playing, and he violated me. He groped my ass, my dick, he sniffed my hair and shit like that, it was scary, to say the least. Unfortunately, I froze up. I had no idea what to do or how to react, it was all so out of left field and unexpected, any survival instincts I had at the time went out the window entirely. I kick myself for it to this day. He did this to me until the bell had rang for my class to get back inside. I remember him promptly letting go of me, and walking off with his head held high like nothing had happened. I kind of sat there in the woodchips for a few minutes until he wasn't in my sight anymore. I was trying to make sense of what exactly had just happened to me. I eventually got up and went inside like all the other kids.

Once I did get inside, I made my way to the principals office to explain the situation to the best of my ability. I told him who did it, where it happened, all that jazz, and long story short, he brushed me off, and nothing happened to classmate who was responsible for this. Years later, it was brought to my attention that I'm not his only victim, there are 3 other individuals who have came out and said that he sexually assaulted them. It breaks my heart.

Summer rolls around a few months after this happens, and I felt kind of empty. Prior to what happened to me, I had been very excited to go off to 6th grade and officially be a middle schooler, I was happy, and eager and whatnot, and all of that disappeared for a while. Until one night, I decided to try touching myself. I found that it strangely brought me a lot of comfort. I didn't feel so empty. It wasn't long before I started to make a habit out of this. One time a week turned into twice, twice turned into three times, three turned to four, and next thing I know, I'm doing it every day of the week. It was making me feel something, and I didn't see it as a problem at the time because I didn't really understand what I was doing. I just knew that it felt good. So I kept at it. This pattern progressed through the rest of the summer.

When school started up again, I slowly began to phase out the masturbation simply because I had less time on my hands to do it. I was at school from 7 to 3, I was learning my surroundings, making new friends, finding myself like any kid does at that age. At some point along the way, I make a friend. We'll call him Jason. Jason and I are still friends to this day. Jason and I met each other through art class. We shared a lot of interests in movies, music, and video games, we hit it off pretty fast. I wound up getting seated next to him for the semester. And one day, I caught him with his phone under the table, watching porn in class. This was the first time I had ever seen porn. It never really occurred to me that something like that existed. Obviously I knew about sex, I had been in health class, but I didn't know you could access video footage of it just like that online. I took mental note of this.

At the time, the phone that I had was a starter phone. No Google or app store access, you could only call, text, and take photos. So I never used my phone to access porn. However, at home, I had two other electronics in my possession. An iPad, that had parental controls, and a laptop that I had gotten during covid to do my online schooling. So, later the day I saw the porn on Jason's phone, I went home and opened up my laptop, and visited the site he was watching it on, which was pornhub, duh. I click on the first video I see, and I just sit there and watch it. I watch through it, find another. On the second one, I tried touching myself while watching it. At that time it was revolutionary to me. And it rekindled my habit of masturbation, except this time it was worse, because I was watching porn every time I masturbated. It became routine. But after a while, it got boring.

So, in response to being bored, I decided to research other sites. Rule 34, Xvideos, deviantart, you name it. But none of the content on these sites was doing much more for me. Around this time, I stumbled upon omegle via a benoftheweek YouTube video. I didn't initially go there for sexual purposes, it didn't really cross my mind, I was just curious and stupid. I open the site, and as anyone who's ever been on omegle in their lives would expect, there was a lot of dicks. A lot of grown men saw how little I was and would say nasty shit to me. But I didn't really engage, because at the time I was just attracted to women, to my knowledge. But for some reason, despite all the dicks I saw, I kept going back to the site.

One night when i was surfing omegle, I stumbled upon someone wgo claimed to be a girl. I start talking to this person about random shit, I dont really remember the exact topic of conversation, I just remember it being really neutral and regular at first, until it started to pick up and get sexual. Long story short, this person coerced me into showing them my dick in exchange for showing their boobs. They open the camera, and its a guy jacking off. I panicked, closed my laptop, and cried because I thought the whole thing made me gay. (Interruption to the story, I am not homophobic, in fact I've discovered that i very much am a bisexual individual, I was just terrified at that time because I was brought up around a lot of homophobic kids, and I was little and impressionable, so those ideologies rubbed off onto me.)

So, after that whole ordeal, I was determined to find a site like omegle that women were actually active on. I flipped through sites like ome TV, chaturbate, jerkmate, it was a full binge of me just rotting my brain with bullshit to find something that satiated me. In this search, I stumbled across emeraldchat. Things started off similar to how they did with any other site I had visited, I saw a lot of men on there just jerking off, I did find the occasional woman, but they'd always skip me because I was visibly young. One of them wound up reporting me, and I got permanently banned from the site. And pretty soon after that, one of the sites I had visited gave me a virus that i was unwilling to explain to my mother, so I just pretended that i lost it, and quietly trashed it.

Because the other devices I had at the time were parentally managed, I no longer had a way to access porn. This fucked with me a lot, I missed it. So, to scratch the itch, whenever I'd masturbate, I'd create scenarios in my head. It started off with just celebrities I found attractive, but as time passed, it gradually became me thinking up scenarios with people I actually knew. This continued on into 7th grade, until one day where I was over at my dad's house, and I discovered he had a laptop. I asked him if I could use it. He said yes. I went right to my room, and back down the emeraldchat hole where I left off at. I made a guest account, and I was in motion. Here's where things get dark to a stronger degree.

I decided to shake it up a bit. I was tired of people skipping me, so what I did, was I touched myself in front of the camera off rip, so it was the first thing people saw. Other things happening at home made it so I wasn't receiving as much love and attention as I needed, and that mixed in with my progressing addiction was dangerous. So, I was at a point where I didn't care who was giving me attention, I just craved any of it at all. I started to let the creepy old men I met masturbate with me, because I felt like they were proud of me. I felt like they liked me. I was doing this for roughly an hour that day, until I was matched with a person doing something totally different.

It was a man, who had waved to me, before covering his camera with a csam video. I was dumbfounded. I pulled up my pants as fast as I could, skipped him, and reported his account. It was fucking haunting. I want to cry just thinking about it. I'll never forget the way it looked, how vile it was, what the man had said typed out and sent in the chat once the video started, everything about it is just so appalling. I closed the laptop, went to the bathroom and threw up. I stopped visiting those sites after that.

Around this time, school issued laptops were sent out. For students to bring home, too. I quickly learned how to make my browsing history invisible to my school admin, and I started to visit reddit for porn. This went on from 7th-8th grade year. The same method. Every day. I was masturbating several times a day, every fucking day. I was at my lowest. However, when 8th grade came along I was given a regular phone with internet access, so I no longer had to use my school laptop. I would just find whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. That's kinda what I still do. Except I don't do it as many times as I used to.

I've tried to quit countless times. Isolating from electronics, religion, you name it. I'll go a short period without it, my record is about 11 days clean since my addiction began. Every single time I just fall back into it. I hate myself, and the more time that passes, the more I realize how much of my childhood I've really pissed away on all of this. I just want a break.