u/Background-City-4203

Recently, I was very drunk, although still able to walk and talk well, but had lost all sense of danger and was disinhibited if that makes sense. I was not thinking about the dangers or consequences whatsoever.

I can't quite remember why I just went with him, but I was led to a dirty, filthy cellar by a security guard when i left the club and had sex with him there. I didnt enjoy it or really want to do it, but I kind of felt obliged once there, but I didnt say no and wasnt threatened. I would never have done that in my right mind though, especially in those filthy conditions s with my OCD and fear of catching HIV as he did it unprotected. I wasn't enjoying it at all as it was hurting my knees, then we were interrupted and people saw and were laughing and my knees were really hurting on the steps so i said to stop and we did.

I was then really anxious that wed been seen and it would be out onto social media or a police crime page. I went to the bus stop and saw the manager there and told him what happened and that it was all good, but i was so worried that wed been seen and there were cameras, he said no it would be fine but to show him where. He led me back to the place and as we went in I kind of knew what was going to happen, but still entered anyway as he gave me more alcohol and i think i just wanted that and tto talk and i cant stop once i start drinking. He suddenly pulled down his trousers, which still was a bit shocking and told me to give him oral sex and i didnt really want to, but felt i should and I did feel a bit intimidated or want to say no and that it was best to get it over with. We then had sex unprotected as i didnt want to say no. And I'm really messed up because part of me felt I needed the validation when he finished, I have BPD and suffer with feelings of worthlessness.

I feel like i could have potentially ruined my life and have to live with the worry that ive contracted HIV and was shaken up by the whole situation and have no one else I can tell.

I messaged a guy Id previously had unprotected casual sex with because they tested me at the clinic 3 days after the incident and i already tested positive for chlamydia and hadnt been tested after we had jad sex so thought it was only right I tell him in case I got it there. He was very angry as he said I was blaming him, long story short, and I had to tell him about the assault and he said he didnt know what to believe and was very nasty about it and turned it all into my fault. I messaged my friend to tell her what he said to me and she said "thats because you shouldn't have called it assault".

I have also posted this elsewhere on reddit and people told my story of sexual assault doesnt seem right and seems garnered for sympathy. I am now feeling terrible. I do accept responsibility to an extent, but was this assault or not?

Am going through so much at the moment, over the last three months I've been pushed to breaking point and feel on the verge of yet another breakdown. I have BPD, anxiety and depression and had just started to get out of a decade of breakdowns and deep debilitating episodes of depression.

First of all, my job has been so stressful and have constantly been having to compensate for others being off all the time and take phone calls from people who are often in some form of crisis then get in trouble for getting too emotionally involved, which is impossible for me as I know all too well myself what it is to suffer and can't just not help them and cut off or whatever it is they want me to do.

I've been treated terribly by a family member that uses us to wait on them hand and foot and as a free babysitter, then at the wedding it was like we were just a bit of dirt in their shoe and had done something so terrible and/or were just an embarrassment or not good enough, it has me and my other family members so badly and i constntly have to listen to them offloading it and goong over it, it has hurt so badly. I feel used by my friend to look after the kids (who stress me to high heaven and cause me a lot of anxiety).

I suffer terribly with loneliness and grieving the life I'll never have as I approach 40 (no partner or kids, which I always dreamt of and looked forward to my whole life). Looking after everyone else's kids feels like salt in the wound. On top of that, I've allowed myself to be used for casual sex again by someone I was once in love with, but ghosted me 6 months ago and then decided to come back.

Medically, about 6 weeks ago I was forced into abrupt venlafaxine withdrawal and all the symptoms that go with that for weeks, then 3 weeks ago, long story short a new GP tried abruplty stripping me of all my psychiatric meds and treated me so badly and with zero empathy it triggered all my conditions and I have felt like I was reliving certain traumas in the past and feel that they would rather Im.dead than any money be spent on me as Im just worthless scum to them and a terrible person, and this has been in my head constantly and it has made me ill. The receptionists at the surgery and dragged the war out for 3 weeks and now I've finally cracked and had to go off sick. I also live with my parents who stress me to high heaven and I can never get a moments peace in anyway.

My anxiety and nerves are awful, I'm having suicidal thoughts throughout the day and crying off and on, feeling completely worthless, heartbroken, in agony and like nothing to people. I'm also constantly thinking my time is up as my body can't take anymore, I keep getting myself in such a terrible state I physically feel terrible and so much pressure in my head and chest from the frustration in my interactions with others, and all the grief and agony I'm relentlessly subjected to is just too much for my body and I'll have a heart attack or stroke.

Physically, I keep feeling sick when having to swallow my pills, have literally thrown up once, it's been going on for a very long time now & i dread having to take my medication everyday. Also have noticed over the last few weeks that I keep getting feel a weird pressure sensation and lightheaded when lying down and I'm scared that means I'll have a stroke or something, yet at the same time I have suicidal thoughts and keep crying and feeling so helpless.

I was finally, slowly getting my life back on track after the last decade, still had a way to go, but got the furthest I had in all those years and then this.. I can never catch a break it seems, life just keeps beating me down again, again and again from all angles and only gets harder and more of a struggle and more hopeless, I know it's a terrible thing to say, but I often feel I'm not meant to be in this world anymore. Everything rejects me. I have bled far too much and I can't take another sword through my chest. I'm so sad and just wish I had someone I could tell this too and have them comfort me.

So my best friend has historically been really good to me, always welcoming and encouraging me to come over for dinner when I was severely depressed and inviting me to different things. I have also babysat her 4 kids on quite a few occasions, even took time off for 4 days at one point to stay at hers and look after them so she could go on vacation.

Recently I had to attend a close family member's wedding, which I was told to invite her for so I had someone there for me. However, I was completely unaware of how bad the wedding was going to be, it turned out far worse than I even expected. I was extremely upset & hurt by my family member, whose wedding it was, making me feel like nothing to them & told her how I was feeling.

Also, to my embarrassment, there was hardly any food or places to sit. Unfortunately, I had no idea it was going to be so bad so I apologised a lot and took her to a pub for lunch and paid, as well as for the drinks at the venue, as I didn't want her having to spend any of her money. I also got her a seat with my parents & their friends once they had managed to get one themselves and stood myself.

When I had to talk to someone at the wedding for 20 minutes out of politeness and obligation & couldnt get away, i could see in her face she became annoyed and impatient so I did my best to get away as soon as possible. A close family friend came over to talk to her, but I could see clearly and very overtly in her face she was obviously bored and hating it & staring elsewhere & not making any effort at all to engage, and the same more or less when she was sat the table with family friends.

Feeling really bad, I kept apologising and offered to order her an uber so she could leave as I felt really bad that she had to endure the day. She leapt at the idea immediately and when I was ordering it there were 2 options, one arriving in 5 mins and another in 15 mins. I said I'd get her the one leaving in 15 minutes so it gave time to say goodbye to people and not have to rush, but she became annoyed and insisted I ordered the one in 5 minutes, which made me feel quite hurt that she couldn't at least make the effort for an additional 10 minutes.

I'm feeling very hurt and let down in the context that it was a really hard day for me & she'd come to support me & didn't make more of an effort, at least to pretend to show a little more interest to the family friend who was talking to her..I have babysat for her whenever she needed it, regardless of how depressed I am, or having had a long day at work, and have even spent days looking after her kids on my own, which really wasn't easy and was even treated very badly by one of them to the point of tears & still kept turning up for them.

I have been invited over this week, but still feeling really hurt & upset about it & so haven't wanted to go. Am I right to be annoyed, hurt and feel so let down?

Edit: Due to some comments I'd just like to clarify some things... I did tell her months in advance, the kids are teenagers and were with their father! I'm getting a few comments of how I'm a bad person & completely unreasonable for having taken a mother of 4 away her away from her "young" kids. It's also not like I don't or haven't helped multiple times with babysitting, even once for 4 days alone and don't do absolutely everything I can to help them, even when really not feeling good myself. This is the first thing I've actually asked for. Please just take that into account first, but if after that then I'm still the AH then fair enough.

Or would you rather they just got an abortion and didn't tell you if you werent in a relationship?

Edit: the reason I'm saying this is because I'm worthless to them and no stability and mental health issues.

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I know I don't have much time left now and it's unlikely to happen, but all I ever wanted was a partner and kids. I've had many relationships, but they never worked out, a lot of them abusive and at best I was used. I feel the older I get the harder it is and that there's no hope.

Someone said to me that no man my age will want to be with me now I'm 38. That they can have girls 10 years younger so why would they want me and especially as my fertility window is closing. Is this true? If this the main consensus?

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I know I don't have much time left now and it's unlikely to happen, but all I ever wanted was a partner and kids. I've had many relationships, but they never worked out, a lot of them abusive and at best I was used. I feel the older I get the harder it is and that there's no hope.

Someone said to me that no man my age will want to be with me now I'm 38. That they can have girls 10 years younger so why would they want me and especially as my fertility window is closing. Is this true? If this the main consensus?

All my life all I ever dreamt of was a partner and kids. I never cared about a wedding, in fact i always found that cringe.

But the agony throughout life and my life & diagnosis my god... I raised a step-son for 3 years and made sure as hell he felt wanted and loved and did not go through what I did. It was the most difficult of all decisions to leave as I never wanted fo oeave him, but I was unfortunately in an abusive relationship with his dd & leaving his dad meant leaving him, and my god was it hard. And I have seen him since, but not since covid & my hospital admission in 2020.

I have been hospitalised due to my difficulties in 202p and past and have tried time and time again and had multiple situationships.. But I am never good enough for anyone & I feel the world hates me & maybe I'm a terrible person.

I have tried DBT which didn't work, but anyway I always live by helping others and doing what I can to help within my capability. But maybe that's not enough and I'm just an inherently bad person. Please someone give me some insight.

The last 10 years of my life have felt like a curse since leaving my step-son and his abusive father I say it that way cause I stayed for my step-son and was weighing up considering his father's abuse fo stay for him.

Since then, 10 years ago, when I took my next ex into my home, who I met on tinder, he told me he was being treated really badly by his ex & had no choice but to live with her. I soon moved him into my home with my parents and they agreed it was ok, but that i needed to pay rent for us both per month. So I paid his rent etc, & he never had to lift a finger & I was under so pressure by my parents & working up london & spending 8/9 hrs working + 3/ 3.5 hours travel per day, but he'd message me throughout with complaints about my family & tell me not to say anything or he'd go to sleep on the street...

I was so stressed at being caught in the middle & having had a new job & constantly had him messaging me with minor complaints about my family & threats throughout my work, on top.of my work, & him telling me that no worries he'd go to the street.

I developed severe migraines that were so debilitating that i couldn't move without throw up, they went onto last 6 weeks & id keep trying to go into work but feel so ill i couldnt carry on and face meetings with HR- like working 8+ hours and have a 3hr plus journey on the train everyday, both ways, and nearly fainting but had no choice but to carry on as I was new to the job and my manager had no sympathy.

I was so ill I'd lose sensation of my arms & the ability to speak. Eventually someone would listen& take me to the hospital as i felt so ol like i was dying or anyway was begging or eath fdom the pain. I'd be so dehydrated from throwing up, but had to go into work despite how bad i was due to threats from HR & have to travel 1.5 hrs each way home to then face my ex telling me i wasnt good enough, despite me buying treats he wanted & everything i could, whilst working 9 hours & e hrs travelling a day.

I went to hospital one day & was so bad, but they dint gi e e drip for some reason and my dad had to lift my head to give me water as I was so weak I couldn't myself & my ex was so angry with me for having to be there and on his phone the whole time, I was sent for a scan, but i had to discharge myself because of his annoyance and imptatience & come home & cook for him or id be made to feel so guilty.

After a few weeks we went to Spain, as he couldn't staynd how awful everything was for him in the UK and how uselesz i waz at everything. I nearly fainted at the airport, due to still not feeling well, but was made to feel terribe for it & had to deal with if alone and scared, whilst he went off angry. When we arrived his family treated me like a burden from day 1, despite me having paid and subsidised their son throughout my illness & hospital admissions. But to him, he was the victim having to live in this country, despjte being unemployed and me paying for everything and working 9+ hours & doing everything for him...

His parents complained about me from day 1, despite me giving them rent & extra money,

gr ther struggles, after having paid my own parents 4 months gor him. My ex was unemployed 0& on the PlayStation 24/7 & only come to bed when he wanted "it" in a disrespectful way. I was told i was no good at cooking, cleaning, doing my my make up, teaching english (my job). I was made to feel i do everrything wrong and its all my fault and am so inadequate..At weekends I aas nott to bother him, h

he just wanted to go out with friends and flirt with other girls. I eventually ended it, long story..

But ever since then every guy has treated me so worthless... Despite my good intentions and I've now reached 38 and no hope and nothing to think other than it's me & I truly deserve it. I must be so worthless & only worth a one night stand when people are so desperate. Everything I do is never good enough but my heart and intentions and everything were so good, why am I so inadequate?

All my life all I ever dreamt of was a partner and kids. I never cared about a wedding, in fact i always found that cringe and embarrassing for people to be looking at me and thought if a wedding were to happen, I'd be in private. I've been in multiple relationships and raised a step-son as my own, despite what I had to go through with his father. And now I'm me at 38 & worth not much to men , and tthts probably me & me being inadequate as person.. And I often think I wouldn't want to bring a child into this awful world..but I very much at the end..and it kills my soul what do I do

All my life all I ever dreamt of was a partner and kids. I never cared about a wedding, in fact i always found that cringe and embarrassing for people to be looking at me and thought if a wedding were to happen, I'd be in private. I've been in multiple relationships and raised a step-son as my own, despite what I had to go through with his father. And now I'm me at 38 & worth not much to men , and tthts probably me & me being inadequate as person.. And I often think I wouldn't want to bring a child into this awful world..but I very much at the end..and it kills my soul what do I do?

I know he can't be that interested, but why did he appear the next day?...

So we were never together, but for talking for some months, had sex once, then we continued talking afterwards, but didn't meet up again in person, until 6 weeks later when he came to my birthday. It was awkward & i thought he was showing he wasnt interested, since hadnt seen me for weeks, but he messaged me & called me the next day...So we continued talking every few days, but i'd constantly be given mixed signals..So two weeks later I thought it best to end things as the situation was hurting me & he had a lot of problems and many things going on in his life that also complicated the situation, and i thought he wasnt interested.

I tried to end it really nicely and on good terms and say there were no hard feelings, but maybe best to end it because the situation was hurting me. I thought I was giving him an easy way out.. However, it somehow turned into an explosive argument with him making excuses for not seeing me, even though i was trying to tell him it was ok & i understood, but never-the-less we should leave things as it hurt me. It seemed to really have triggered him and he was so angry with me and shouted and screamed at me. I was devastated for months & tried messaging to make up, but was ignored and he ghosted me for 6 months. I thought he hated me and didn't want to speak to me again..

Recently he got back in touch as we have mutual friends and I'm always at theirs, as was he, until he couldn't be due to having to go away for work the past months...Now he's back in our area and will be around there again a lot, like before, so he called me and just said he didn't want it to be awkward and I said I was so glad to hear from him again and happy we could work it out.

Anyway he out of nowhere, messaged me the other night, asking me how I was and then turned out he was in my area, and we met up and had sex again. It was so nice to see him again and we talked about things. However, I wasn't expecting to hear from him again for a while, but the next day, to my surprise, he messaged asking how i was & my plans that day. I told him I was going to our mutual friends and he said he was going out somewhere with his friends. Half hour later he turned up at our mutual friends, out of the blue, and made some excuse to be there which made no sense, and stayed with me and my friend (the wife), despite his friend (the husband) being out and him knowing it was just us girls going to be there.. Why? The day after? I'd have thought he'd have done a runner? I don't know how to interpret this?

I know he can't be that interested, but why did he appear the next day?...

So we were never together, but for talking for some months, had sex once, then we continued talking afterwards, but didn't meet up again in person, until 6 weeks later when he came to my birthday. It was awkward & i thought he was showing he wasnt interested, since hadnt seen me for weeks, but he messaged me & called me the next day.

So we continued talking every other day, but i'd constantly be given mixed signals..So two weeks later I thought it best to end things as the situation was hurting me & he had a lot of problems and many things going on in his life that ..also complicated the situation, and i thought he wasnt interested. I tried to end it really nicely and on good terms and say there were no hard feelings, but maybe best to end it because the situation was hurting me. I thought I was giving him an easy way out.. However, it somehow turned into an explosive argument with him making excuses for not seeing me, even though i was trying to tell him it was ok & i understood, but never-the-less we should leave things as it hurt me. It seemed to really have triggered him and he was so angry with me and shouted. I was devastated for months & tried messaging to make up, but was ignored and he ghosted me for 6 months. I thought he hated me and didn't want to speak to me again..

Recently he got back in touch as we have mutual friends and I'm always at theirs, as was he, until he couldn't be due to having to go away for work the past months...Now he's back in our area and will be around there again a lot, like before, so he called me and just said he didn't want it to be awkward and I said I was so glad to hear from him again and happy we could work it out

Anyway he out of nowhere, messaged me the other night, asking me how I was and then turned out he was in my area, and we met up and had sex again. It was so nice to see him again and we talked about things. However, I wasn't expecting to hear from him again for a while, but the next day, to my surprise, he messaged asking how i was & my plans that day. I told him I was going to our mutual friends and he said he was going out somewhere with his friends. Half hour later he turned up at our mutual friends, out of the blue, and made some excuse to be there which made no sense, and stayed with me and my friend (the wife), despite his friend (the husband) being out and him knowing it was just us girls going to be there.. Why? The day after? I'd have thought he'd have done a runner? I don't know how to interpret this?

​

So we were never together, but for talking for some months, had sex once, then we continued talking afterwards, but didn't meet up again in person, until 6 weeks later when he came to my birthday. It was awkward & i thought he was showing he wasnt interested, since hadnt seen me for weeks, but he messaged me & called me the next day.

So we continued talking every other day, but i'd constantly be given mixed signals..So two weeks later I thought it best to end things as the situation was hurting me & he had a lot of problems and many things going on in his life that also complicated the situation, and i thought he wasnt interested. I tried to end it really nicely and on good terms and say there were no hard feelings, but maybe best to end it because the situation was hurting me. I thought I was giving him an easy way out.. However, it somehow turned into an explosive argument with him making excuses for not seeing me, even though i was trying to tell him it was ok & i understood, but never-the-less we should leave things as it hurt me. It seemed to really have triggered him and he was so angry with me and shouted. I was devastated for months & tried messaging to make up, but was ignored and he ghosted me for 6 months. I thought he hated me and didn't want to speak to me again..

Recently he got back in touch as we have mutual friends and I'm always at theirs, as was he, until he couldn't be due to having to go away for work the past months...Now he's back in our area and will be around there again a lot, like before, so he called me and just said he didn't want it to be awkward and I said I was so glad to hear from him again and happy we could work it out

Anyway he out of nowhere, messaged me the other night, asking me how I was and then turned out he was in my area, and we met up and had sex again. It was so nice to see him again and we talked about things. However, I wasn't expecting to hear from him again for a while, but the next day, to my surprise, he messaged asking how i was & my plans that day. I told him I was going to our mutual friends and he said he was going out somewhere with his friends. Half hour later he turned up at our mutual friends, out of the blue, and made some excuse to be there which made no sense, and stayed with me and my friend (the wife), despite his friend (the husband) being out and him knowing it was just us girls going to be there.. Why? The day after? I'd have thought he'd have done a runner? I don't know how to interpret this?

​

So we were never together, but for talking for some months, had sex once, then we continued talking afterwards, but didn't meet up again in person, until 6 weeks later when he came to my birthday. It was awkward & i thought he was showing he wasnt interested, since hadnt seen me for weeks, but he messaged me & called me the next day.

So we continued talking every other day, but i'd constantly be given mixed signals..So two weeks later I thought it best to end things as the situation was hurting me & he had a lot of problems and many things going on in his life that also complicated the situation, and i thought he wasnt interested. I tried to end it really nicely and on good terms and say there were no hard feelings, but maybe best to end it because the situation was hurting me. I thought I was giving him an easy way out.. However, it somehow turned into an explosive argument with him making excuses for not seeing me, even though i was trying to tell him it was ok & i understood, but never-the-less we should leave things as it hurt me. It seemed to really have triggered him and he was so angry with me and shouted. I was devastated for months & tried messaging to make up, but was ignored and he ghosted me for 6 months. I thought he hated me and didn't want to speak to me again..

Recently he got back in touch as we have mutual friends and I'm always at theirs, as was he, until he couldn't be due to having to go away for work the past months...Now he's back in our area and will be around there again a lot, like before, so he called me and just said he didn't want it to be awkward and I said I was so glad to hear from him again and happy we could work it out

Anyway he out of nowhere, messaged me the other night, asking me how I was and then turned out he was in my area, and we met up and had sex again. It was so nice to see him again and we talked about things. However, I wasn't expecting to hear from him again for a while, but the next day, to my surprise, he messaged asking how i was & my plans that day. I told him I was going to our mutual friends and he said he was going out somewhere with his friends. Half hour later he turned up at our mutual friends, out of the blue, and made some excuse to be there which made no sense, and stayed with me and my friend (the wife), despite his friend (the husband) being out and him knowing it was just us girls going to be there.. Why? The day after? I'd have thought he'd have done a runner? I don't know how to interpret this?

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I just need some relief, I honestly feel tortured by this pain..I've endured so many years alone already, I cannot go on like this, I feel sick to my stomach and think of dying all the time, but I know I can't do that to my family. At the same time I feel it's so cruel having to endure this agony for years and I will have to for the rest of my life, it's relentless and there's no hope for me. I have had a string of failed relationships and am never good enough, no matter what I do and life and people remind me of this time and time and time again and that I'm worthless and a terrible person.

DBT will not take away any of this pain. Please what can I do? It's unbearable and I can't talk to anyone I know.

I just need some relief, I honestly feel tortured by this pain..I've endured so many years alone already, I cannot go on like this, I feel sick to my stomach and think of dying all the time, but I know I can't do that to my family. At the same time I feel it's so cruel having to endure this agony for years and I will have to for the rest of my life, it's relentless and there's no hope for me. I have had a string of failed relationships and am never good enough, no matter what I do and life and people remind me of this time and time and time again and that I'm worthless and a terrible person.

DBT will not take away any of this pain. Please what can I do? It's unbearable and I can't talk to anyone I know.

I just need some relief, I honestly feel tortured by this pain..I've endured so many years alone already, I cannot go on like this, I feel sick to my stomach and think of dying all the time, but I know I can't do that to my family. At the same time I feel it's so cruel having to endure this agony for years and I will have to for the rest of my life, it's relentless and there's no hope for me. I have had a string of failed relationships and am never good enough, no matter what I do and life and people remind me of this time and time and time again and that I'm worthless and a terrible person.

DBT will not take away any of this pain. Please what can I do? It's unbearable and I can't talk to anyone I know.

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I've really have had enough and just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want to end it so badly and the urges are very strong it's driving me mad, but I can't because of what it would do to my family and friend. I also can't get help for those reasons, I live with my parents and it would cause them trouble etc if I called anyone or they found out and a big thing. I do have a psychiatrist I see every 6 weeks and my medication is being gradually adjusted.

I just have to go on and keep it to myself and it's like torture having to live in this world, in this pain. I've been trying to get better for the last 10 years and doing my best, but time just keeps proving to me how worthless I am and just have to be here and suffer and no actually cares about my pain and is better off without me. Almost everyone hates me even when I don't do bad, but I guess I am just that awful of a person, I can't help it. How do I go on? 😭😭😭😭😭

Has anyone felt suicidal for years and that there was no future or life ahead of them and just surviving the day and wanting the pain to end, but obligated to keep going for family/others whatever? And also had so many nights you felt you'd die of heart failure due tto tthe pain anyway and weren't even scared, butt you're still here.. i know i'm beyond help and there is no cure for living in this agony. I've been told this is just life and life problems and to change my life, which is impossible when there is truly so much out of our control, I've tried time and time and time again and done everything right, but it seems everything is against me and I'm cursed. It's been over a decade and I've been told this isn't even mental health, just something I need to solve myself.

Has anyone felt suicidal for years and that there was no future or life ahead of them and just surviving the day and wanting the pain to end, but obligated to keep going for family/others whatever? And also had so many nights you felt you'd die of heart failure due tto tthe pain anyway and weren't even scared, butt you're still here.. i know i'm beyond help and there is no cure for living in this agony. I've been told this is just life and life problems and to change my life, which is impossible when there is truly so much out of our control, I've tried time and time and time again and done everything right, but it seems everything is against me and I'm cursed. It's been over a decade and I've been told this isn't even mental health, just something I need to solve myself.

I can't take living with the constant anxiety, pain & struggle everyday and it feels like it's all for nothing, and there's never any rest or relief, it's just relentless and like there's never any relief. I just feel so overwhelmed by even doing the smallest of things and the world is just so dark I can't cope.