u/Beginning-Leopard-39

Warnings of inappropriate, unwanted touching.

Hi.

Without going into too much detail, I was assaulted by a male LMT a few months ago who I had been seeing for the past year. We've had about four 90 minute sessions in total.

We had a very normal, cordial and professional relationship until I ended it due to his behavior in our last session.

I know I'm probably hyperfixating on details from the wrong perspective, but I'm worried about potential ways in which I may have sent the wrong message and would like to prevent this from ever happening in the future again.

We shook hands during our first meeting, and our conversations were always casual- "How are you?" "Did you have a good (insert) holiday?

The only thing that maybe gave me slight alarm bells was him holding an intense direct gaze/eye contact when I arrived for our second or third session. I'm also a very generous tipper for service employees as my mom has worked in a tip based job for nearly her entire life. Is a $40 tip outrageous for an excellent 90 minute massage with an lmt with 20+ years experience in the field?

Before anyone suggests, I did file a police report, have taken him to civil court, and reported him to the state licensing board.

I don't want to completely write off male LMTs. I've worked with both male and female LMTs throughout the decades I've been receiving massage therapy, and male LMTs tend to easier for me to book consistently.

EDIT- I don't want to disclose the exact details of my assault. It happened. It was sexual in nature. There was physical contact WAY beyond what was acceptable.

My biggest ones are revolved around finances, like starting a business together, getting a house, bankrolling dates, vacations, housing, etc. Mostly not intertwining our lives to where it would be difficult to have a clean break. Having a child together is another great example.

The "more petty" examples are personal things that test my patience. I have infinitely more patience for my spouse because they've at least demonstrated a capacity for change when I express concern/annoyance.

Periods of lesser communication. Being left "on read" doesn't bother me when I'm coming home to them later and we're aware of our schedules.

Curious to see what your boundaries are!

Edit-

However you want to interpret a committed long term relationship over something less committed. The terminology is creating quite a stir from both sides, tbh, and I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's preferred way of commitment.

I'm much more interested in how people navigate a relationship where they are "all in."

You get the dreaded call from your AP and actually have enough mental capacity to answer this time. They're calling to ask you for a favor or update you on whatever issues they're experiencing at the time and by extension, making it your problem.

It typically has nothing to do with you, but now you're involved. They express little to no gratitude for the intrusion, then end the call by accusing you of never calling them.

Is this relatable to anyone else? The lack of curiosity as to why your relationship isn't close to them like cousin XYZ to their parent? I've never heard them actually acknowledge the strain in the relationship, but rather, just a demand of loyalty/obedience. Never once tried to repair from their end.

I've tried twice to bring up reasons why I don't call them, "It's not pleasant talking to you because you never have anything nice or kind to say." "You also don't reach out unless you need something from me." My mom doesn't try to understand me anymore, because her feelings of shame are too big to manage. She at least partially holds herself responsible by saying she married and had children with "bad husbands", but still also holds the majority of the blame on me. My mom victimizes herself because she feels abandoned by her children, but she abandoned us first. My dad just DARVOs and gets angry.

Looking for something more organized than a Jazz night to go to tonight. Bonus if there's good food and drinks.