u/Born_To_Die420

Hello everyone, M in his twenties living in France. TLDR

I would like to have your opinion on a family situation that is really starting to weigh on me.

My parents are from West Africa. In my family, I sometimes have the impression that children are seen as a future financial support for their parents once they grow up and start working.

My father regularly asks me for money, whether I work or not. A year ago, I was a student. Even when I worked little or stopped working for several months to concentrate on the studies I had to pursue, he continued to ask me for money.

Today, it’s almost become a habit: at the end of each month, when I receive my paycheck, he asks me to give him money.

What particularly bothers me is that he also asks me to save my money, not to spend unnecessarily and to pay for my own subscriptions and expenses. In itself, this advice is not bad. But, at the same time, he is waiting for me to give him money whenever he needs it. So I feel like he’s asking me to be financially responsible while considering that my money must remain available to him.

He regularly talks about the groceries and other purchases he makes for the house. When he receives money or makes expenses, he reminds us that it is for us, his children, and explains that he has spent all or a large part of this money on us.

The problem, however, goes beyond mere demands for money.

My father owes me so much money today that I ended up forgetting the exact amount. Several times, he asked me to lend him money. I agreed, thinking that they were really loans and that he would pay me back later.

But when I ask him for the money he owes me, he says that it was not a loan, but a help or a gift that I would have given to the family. So he uses the fact that the money went to the family to justify that he doesn’t pay me back.

I find this situation particularly unfair: when he asks for the money, it is a loan, but when I want to recover what is owed to me, it suddenly becomes a gesture of solidarity or a gift.

I specify that my father has no access to my bank accounts and does not open my mail. The problem is not that he directly controls my accounts, but rather the repeated requests, financial expectations and the way he presents the amounts I lent him.
My mother also recently started asking me questions about my studies. She particularly wanted to know how many years I had left before finishing them. She told me about the army, making it clear that she would prefer that I join in order to receive a good salary and associated benefits.

I had the impression that in his eyes, my studies were not really a priority and that earning money quickly mattered more. This bothers me, because I want to continue my studies and build my professional future according to my own goals, rather than choose a path mainly for its salary and the benefits it could bring.

Sometimes I have the feeling that my parents are more interested in what I could provide financially than in what I really want to build for my future.

Yesterday, my father asked me for €10. I refused. He then said that he was waiting for my little sisters to work so that he would be at peace. One is 18yo and the other only 13yo.

This sentence particularly struck me. I felt like he was waiting for his children to start earning money so that he could count on them financially.

When I refuse to give him money, he sometimes agrees, but he can come back to me a few days or weeks later and ask again. He also gets angry and reproaches me for spending too much or telling me that I should change jobs.

The problem is that I don’t refuse just because I lack money. Even if I had some, I wouldn’t necessarily want to give it to him, because I don’t like this feeling of permanent financial obligation, especially when he already owes me money and refuses to acknowledge some of his debts.

At the moment, my situation is actually very complicated: I only have 15 cents left. I barely have anything to eat except bread. So I can’t even afford to meet his demands.

I understand that a parent may have financial difficulties and may need help. I also understand that in some families and cultures, solidarity between generations is very important.

But I have several questions.

Does having raised children mean that they must then contribute financially to their parents' needs, even when it puts them in difficulty ?

Is it normal to ask your children to save money while regularly soliciting their money, and then consider the unpaid loans as gifts when they claim their due ?

For me, feeding your children, raising them and providing for their needs is part of parental responsibilities. I don’t think it should automatically become a debt that children are supposed to repay for their whole lives.

I’m not saying you should never help your parents. I just think that this help should be possible and voluntary, and not based on guilt or a permanent obligation. And when it comes to a loan, I think that the fact that the money was used for the family should not allow one to later deny that it must be repaid.

I would like to have your opinion, especially if you grew up in a family where parents are waiting for their children to support them financially once they become adults.

Do you find this situation normal ? How do you make the difference between family solidarity and feeling financially indebted to one’s parents ? And how would you react in the face of parents who seem to favor their children’s future income over personal projects ?

What’s the point of living? What is the purpose of giving birth to someone who has never asked to be born?

This is even more problematic when parents do not have the economic resources, social capital or emotional stability needed to provide their child with favorable living conditions.

Look at what world we live in. There are wars for reasons of territory, resources, religion, power, etc. And this has always been the case: just look at history.

There are still forms of slavery and detention camps in some parts of the world, where people are persecuted because of their skin colour, religious beliefs, political opinions or sexual orientation.

I find it completely crazy that people can still be persecuted simply because of their sexual orientation or gender identity and their transition choices. I don’t even understand what the problem is. Why not just let people live as they want?

Personally, I don’t care what others do with their sex lives or their identities, as long as it’s not a crime and doesn’t affect me personally. For example, I can understand that some people do not like certain content in series or movies, but this does not justify, in my opinion, wanting to prevent others from living freely.

And this is perhaps what strikes me the most: we are constantly talking about freedom, but in fact, can we really be free? And will we ever be?

The human species has also become harmful to its own environment. We are gradually destroying the planet in favor of an economic system based largely on growth and the pursuit of profit.

So, what is the purpose of continuing to have children and contributing to the overpopulation of the Earth? Why this desire, which may seem selfish, to give birth to a being who has never been able to consent to its existence?

By 2050, the consequences of climate change are likely to be even greater. The availability of certain natural resources, notably water, will be put under greater pressure. Agriculture and livestock farming will also be affected, while our consumption patterns will face ever-greater limits.

Under these conditions, a question remains: is it really right to give birth to a human being in a world that we know is marked by so much suffering, inequality, conflict, persecution and uncertainty?

We are told that life is a gift. But can this really be called a gift when it is given without the person ever having had the opportunity to say yes or no?

Homme noir dans la vingtaine.

Je me suis demandé si quelqu’un d’autre avait de une envie particulière de vouloir une vie de célibat, non pas à cause de mauvaises relations dans le passé ou du manque d’opportunités, mais parce qu’il sentait que c’était la bonne voie à choisir.

Je n’ai jamais été en couple et je ne veux pas le faire, même quand j’ai des opportunités. Pour moi, il s’agit plus de trouver la paix, l’indépendance et de se concentrer sur d’autres aspects de la vie que de poursuivre des relations amoureuses ou sexuelles ?

Quelqu’un a-t-il déjà ressenti cela ?
Je ne peux pas m’identifier à beaucoup de publications que je vois ici.
Je ne vois pas l’intérêt d’être avec quelqu’un.
Je ne sais pas ce qu’est l’amour et ce que c’est d’aimer quelqu’un.

Il y a quelques mois, j’ai passé un entretien pour devenir photographe dans une société d’événementiel. C’était un entretien d’embauche en groupe avec 10 d’entre nous et nous devions créer et participer à des scénarios. De toute façon, je n’ai pas obtenu le poste parce que j’ai admis que je n’avais jamais eu de relation après que le patron de l’entreprise m’a demandé qui avait déjà eu une relation. Il a dit que j’échoue et que je devrais essayer parce que cela m’apporterait de bonnes choses ?
En quoi les relations amoureuses peuvent-elles être de bonnes choses dans le monde du travail ?

I am a man in his twenties born in France to immigrant parents from West Africa. I grew up in a mix of different cultures and education. On one side there is French culture and education + European, and on the other side at home I was educated according to the norms and values of Africa. My parents fought and argued very violently, and for almost half of the marriage they don’t talk to each other at all. They abused me physically, morally, emotionally, and financially. My family is in the practice of witchcraft/black magic. This is one of the main reasons why I am not in contact with the family. I do not share the same norms and values as my family. They have one of those fixed norms and values and are not open-minded. I have moved away from all my African roots, that is to say, I do not eat African dishes, have no contact with African families, and I do not watch any African media. I no longer find any interest in Africa. My family situation made me reject my origins.

Bonjour, mes parents et le médecin généraliste de la famille rédigent des ordonnances à mon nom qui sont destinées soit à des membres de la famille ou envoyer en Afrique pour la famille.
Tout à l’heure j’ai entendu ma mère au téléphone avec le médecin pour mettre une ordonnance à mon nom puis par la suite elle a contacté sa sœur pour lui raconter que c’est parce que ma sœur est obèse et n’ai pas en âge de prendre des médicaments qui sont prescrit à mon nom

En récupérant mon compte ameli, j’ai constaté que ma mère avait attaché son rib à mon compte et donc recevait les remboursements de l’assurance maladie qui m’était destinée après que j’ai consulté différents professionnels de la santé. Evidemment j’ai changé le rib et ai mis le mien.

Bonsoir, je prévois de m’installer ailleurs et de couper mes liens familiaux définitivement.
Mes parents n’ont pas assuré mon bien être physique et moral et émotionnel.
Mes parents m’ont abusé physiquement, émotionnellement et financièrement.
J’ai dit à mes parents avoir tenté de le suicider plusieurs fois durants mon adolescence et récemment (adulte) au moment des faits et ils n’ont pas assuré leurs rôles parentales. Ils n’ont rien fait du tout ( pas d’interventions médicales, familiales…), ils n’ont pensé qu’à eux, essayer de blâmé des connaissances avec qui je ne suis plus en contact. Quand j’étais enfants les parents été au courant deux de 2 accidents de vélos grave, j’ ai dévié sur le route et je le suis fait percuter à 2 reprises à 2 occasions.
J’ai grandis dans un environnement dangereux alors que sans leurs pratiques de sorcellerie et envoie d’argent et autres biens quand on était nous même dans le besoin malgré leurs 2 emplois déclarés en France et quelques petits revenus en Afrique.

Je ne souhaite plus avoir aucun lien avec l’entièreté de ma famille. Que puis-je faire pour ne pas à avoir à payer une obligation alimentaire. Mes parents disent vouloir retourner en Afrique une fois la retraite mais que ce passerait-il s’il reste en France ?
Est ce que l’obligation est valable seulement si j’habite en France ? Quand est-il de l’étranger ?

Bonjour, je suis un homme noir dans la vingtaine né en France de parents africains ayant immigrés en France. J’ai grandi dans un mélange d’éducation et de culture entre l’éducation française ( institution scolaires, culturelles…etc) et celles reçu de la part de mes parents qui transmettent leurs religion, valeurs et cultures qui sont totalement différentes des normes et valeurs françaises. J’ai été en vacances en Afrique de l’Ouest, je n’aime pas leurs culture. En France je suis considéré comme un africain et là-bas comme un français ( ex : regards constants dans les rues rivés sur moi, tentative d’exploitation pour des biens économiques et matériels parce que je viens de France )
Je n’ai pas ma place, j’ai l’impression d’être un alien.
Pourtant j’adhère aux valeurs de la république et aux droits de l’homme qui ne sont pas respectées en Afrique de l’Ouest. J’ai tiré un trait sur mes racines africaines. Mais que suis-je ?