u/Brilliant_Version667

I'm sorry I blamed you at all. I was sad that you kept your distance, but I can understand that it would be hard to try to communicate with someone who says things in such a bold way sometimes.

I don't realize just how accusing my words sound, when I write them. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I'm afraid that maybe I am, and I feel very sorry if have, since that's the last thing I wanted to do to you, and us. I think it is you who is using that anonymous screen name to follow me, and usually I remove followers I don't know, but I am keeping that person just because I have a hunch that this is the only way you feel comfortable being closer to me right now. In the past, the indirectness might have upset me, but I want you to feel safe, so I won't say anything.

Now I feel like such a loser. I know it's not all my fault. I didn't ask for the conditions I have, but I could have tried harder to be healthy. I should have thought about these things before you may have gotten emotionally involved again. It was selfish of me to not tell you from the start about my health. The truth is, I have been in denial myself. And I'm not acutely sick or diseased (that I know of). Maybe I sounded worse than I am, in that writing. I can manage, but I'm not working, and I don't see being able to work again. I don't want to be a burden in any way, especially since you have your own stresses and grief.

All I can say in my defense is that I have loved you for 20 years, and I was excited to think that maybe now that all this time has passed, we could have something real, something we were afraid of way back then. I was finally owning who I am and being honest with myself, and I thought maybe with your growth over the years too, we could face this together and finally have been a couple. Was it too delusional? We are both single (I think) and childless and have no relational obligations, so I guess I thought it could work. I thought love could overcome anything. I still think it can, but I know I'm no place to put anyone through stress.

Maybe I sound worse than I am. I am actually a mild-tempered person. People say I am easy to live with. I don't even snore unless I'm exhausted, apparently. I know I get depressed and anxious, but I try to manage it myself. I think I have good emotional intelligence and am reasonable and fair. I know I'm just trying to defend myself right now, although these things are true.

The fact of the matter is that I do think we could work, but I'm afraid now I have scared you away for good. You were probably just looking for reasons to pull the plug forever, and now you have them: my health, my financial situation...and my big mouth.

The thing I feel worst about is that sometimes my writing upsets you, I think. I saw that you viewed my story 8 times, and I admit I asked AI about why you would do that, and it said that some things I said might have been hurtful. I wasn't trying to hurt you, honestly. I was just trying to share my perception of the topic, and it came out harsh. I don't know why my words come out harsh. I can see that maybe you'd think "What?! This is what you think of me? This is how you really see me?! You don't understand me at all." And I could understand if you do think or feel that, really.

I love to write, but I can't seem to regulate my words at times. I would ask you not to take them to heart, but I do write from my heart. I just never mean to make you feel bad, and I know you do because you read some of my stuff and avoid other stuff. If only you knew my heart towards you and how warmly I feel towards you, even though it doesn't come out that way. I think you know that deep down or you wouldn't bother at all. It probably just hurts to see yourself in my eyes sometimes, even though I love you so much and am just too analytical of a person for both our good (and I know you're analytical too, but you keep your perceptions to yourself).

You have not been back.

I think you're avoiding me.

I hope you are healing, though.

The fact that you still attempt to read my writing after midnight on week nights does tell me you are thinking of me and still care. And the fact that you'd spend time on such long material about my past and thoughts and feelings tells me you know me better than most people, even if we haven't seen each other or talked directly in years. I wish I could know everything about you, too. I do know about your past in your previous country, somewhat. I like to know things so that I can understand, never judge you. I adore you and want to know everything there is to know about you - good, bad, and in between. I can handle most things, believe it or not.

You are the love of my life, and I hate that I probably pushed you away or might have hurt you in any way, but I have to be honest with you because, to me, that is the highest form of respect I can give you, even if it doesn't feel that way.

I fell asleep for a 2 hour nap in my recliner. I dreamt of gambling outside in the snow at some casino with some mean guy who was hogging the machine. I guess he was some casual boyfriend, and he was ugly. It was my birthday but he was using all my coins. We kept losing and some untrustworthy man told us to let him have try but I said no because I knew we were going to win.
The slot machines were old fashioned and looked like small arcade games like Pac-Man or something. I was in the past (like the 1970s or something?).

Then some kid said I was right that a group of tadpoles made a colony through some cultivated snow exhibit. I was them moving single-file towards me. My ex best friend E was there, and I gave her something like a little fairy. My mom was mad and said I should have saved it for myself but I told her I gave it to E as a party favor, and I secretly had a second one saved for myself

My old same-sex female friend/love of my life, S, had something to do with it but I could not see her.

\When I woke up, outside there is what looks like a white cumulous cloud with a dark silver/gray rain cloud in the middle. The rest of the sky is blue.

Has the day finally arrived, after 2 decades? Have my eyes finally opened?

Today, you just feel so...distant. I used to feel that I could sense you from no matter how far, but today something has shifted and you are really gone.

I have grieved so much, with so many tears running down my face today and a deep well of choked up bawling last night that I think I'm dehydrated.

I don't want to block you because that didn't help me before. I don't want bad blood between us. I'm just so tired.

My well has finally run dry, so I guess it wasn't as unconditional as I thought. Maybe even unconditional love does have a bottom line or a limit. I could love you freely and just be happy in your happiness...until I couldn't anymore. I could only give so much of my heart to a silent ghost without getting any reciprocation to keep my battery running, and now it has run out.

I don't think a person can love themselves and I don't think a person can truly love someone else when that love is not returned. I have learned a lot from our...whatevership...and I realize that love is only "love" with duality - a subject and an object- in a cycle of connection.

I'm sad that we could be true partners academically but it never transferred to relationally. You seemed to make such an ideal friend, but you are spiritually and emotionally blind, and I cannot save you, nor is it my place or your wish for me to do so. Besides, you will never learn to make your own choices or be accountable to anyone but yourself if I am always the one reaching out, regardless of your reasons. You have narcissistic traits, you're avoidant, and I know you have trauma and little relationship experience. You won't ever change unless you want to, and you might not ever want to when you expect other people to always come to you.

Maybe you just used me for your ego. I don't think you were playing games, honestly, but I do think you have major control issues, trust issues, and can be manipulative. I saw a side of you that was sweet, devoted, and tender...but overall, that is not the side you choose to inhabit most of the time, and I accept that it is what it is. You don't actually understand me on a deeper level.

We had a trauma bond, and we are hypervigilant by nature, but even if you are my soulmate or twin flame, this is not healthy and I hope I can finally get over you this summer since it seems your lack of response to my invitation to talk and get together is telling me "no," as well as your silence and lack of presence in general.

Goodbye. If I do end up blocking you, don't think I am trying to start a fight. I just need you out of my life (you already are; I just mean my awareness, rather). I am not your fantasy person or your clown for entertainment.

I am in the process of writing you one last letter, and it has taken months. Maybe I just can't do it. This morning, early, I woke up with my heart pounding, in the dark, with the TV still on at 3 AM and I had this sudden realization that we really are not going to work out...are we?

My health isn't good enough for a relationship. My situation, while I'm single without major obligations, is not ideal for a relationship, and all this time I was thinking love and being single would suddenly make all this finally work out. After all, people go through things all the time. I know I have, in other relationships with lesser loves. So why not us? I ask myself this because it seems to me we've been waiting decades to finally get it right with each other. I don't think either of us has moved on...until maybe now.

I admit, I've been talking with AI about you. That's how much I really need advice. According to AI, you are not over me, but you are likely overwhelmed, unsure about what to do, and grieving, and you probably just want to avoid the situation...until it's too late. I can see that being the case, but up until 3 weeks ago, you still seemed to check in occasionally at least.

Now you're on vacation for the whole summer and you have still not seemed to move towards me at all. I wonder if you will ever contact me again, or if you will just fade into the distance like you did two decades ago. That was a living hell - having to pretend like you didn't exist several times in my life. Of course, back then I didn't really process it. I just eventually felt so sad to see you on my Friend's list without talking to me that I had to delete and block you. You just made new accounts, and I'd block those too. I had to. I told myself I wasn't mad at you and that it was fine, but I couldn't even pray for you; I must have been lying to myself when I somehow could pray for my worst enemies but didn't even want to think of your name.

Anyway, after all that time passed, I was able to face you again, and I realized it wasn't so straightforward - you didn't really reject me. And I may have kind of rejected you. But now we are older and I wanted to make things right between us. I think you were falling for me again too, until a couple months ago when I started to doubt you/us. But I think while you were falling again, you were also partly doubting me/us.

We can't make it work with unhealed attachment wounds. But how do we get over this? It is like a punch in the gut to sign into social media and hear crickets. I went through this too many times with you, and I don't know the way to just move on. You've been the "one who got away" or the "love of my life" for so long, I have no idea how you just stop feeling that.

I'm sorry I led you on, I guess. I really do think love can solve all the problems, but I don't think you were all in anyway, and I can't chase or convince you. I can't carry all that in my condition, as much as it breaks my heart to realize. I guess if you were really all in , we'd find a way, but you're apparently not, and I think I'll always love you, but I don't want to keep getting my hopes up for someone who gives up so easily.

I'd never tell you this, especially after the falling out, but I look at your photo and think of you still as my pretty baby girl. I've never told you that because I know how cynical you are about romance and lovey dovey stuff, but especially when I see that softer photo you have on your profile that you made "for me" (or so it seems) a few years ago, I feel warm inside and just want to nurture you and treat you tenderly and feminine. I wonder what you'd think of that!

I have this under exes, although we technically weren't anything. Seems so sad, though. We were everything, just no label and no physical intimacy...yet.

I guess you are done. I don't know what the final straw was, but I can guess. You saw that letter directed to you on my website - and I saw you looked twice, and then bolted. Now you are no where to be found. I guess you feel called out and your stubborn ego refuses to "submit" to my offer. Just as well. That letter I wrote you is far too generous, anyway. I actually give you a lot of leeway and don't blame you for anything.

You probably don't think you're to blame for anything anyway. You never committed to anything with me. It was fine for you to consume me and evaluate my every move and see who talked to me and all that stuff, right? It's fine that we were deeply involved in each other's lives and even went out together, just the two of us and wrote each other every night while seeing each other all day for years, but you can ghost me when you get uncomfortable. It's not your problem that I was attached, even though we both invested so much emotionally, that what else was I to think? You spent all your extra time on me. What else was I to think with your mixed signals - both verbal and otherwise?

You can get my hopes up and then just decide I mean nothing to you. That's fine, right? You don't owe me anything.

Technically no one owes anyone anything. What can I say about your lack of empathy, even though you never told me you lack it? I can just see that you really only think of you are affected and don't feel remorse for how you hurt other people. Oh well, right?

So just go - just be alone like you want to, I guess.

I was going to block you on everything, just for my own peace of mind, but I don't want to do that because it doesn't help anyway. It's not because I don't want to look immature. I wouldn't care about that. It's just that I blocked you years ago and it caused severe repression problems that came back to haunt me years later. I don't want to go through that again. The more I do things like that, the more I end up holding grudges and such. Then you probably would end up just getting more upset or affected or whatever, and I don't want to play games.

I somehow have to learn to get over you, but how can I when I haven't been able to for 20 years, and now it got even deeper this time?

I wish I could just wish you well and feel neutral about you and not have the compulsion to type in your name every day just to see your little thumbnail photos, and end up feeling kicked in the stomach and achy in the heart.

I was really looking forward to reuniting this summer, and now the hope is gone. I pray, but I need a real miracle for you to suddenly not be a traumatized Avoidant with major ego integration problems. The biggest problem is your stubborn will. You want to be strong and unaffected by me, which I can understand, I guess, but then again, why make yourself miserable when we could have had what we both wanted? Hadn't you waited all these years for me? Why now mess up both our lives by trying to be strong? For being so invested in my life, you sure show little actual love and caring for me.

Every day just gets harder for me to be here.

You in your 20s is my ghost; you now, in your 40s, is just a ghoul.

I tell myself you are no longer the girl who shyly handed me the penguin puppet and walked out of class.

You are no longer the one who put her hand on mine in your car, or the one who copied my food and wore the same shirt I own.

You are definitely not the one who told me you were sad, or that you felt the same way, or confided in me about your embarrassing childhood memories.

I could go on, but the main thing is, that you died. Not physically. Just psychologically. And you choose this completely yourself, as misguided as you are.

My actual husband died, but I'm at peace with that.

But you...you're not a ghost, you're a ghoul.

I learned what ghouls are tonight...living souls who are basically like demons. They can't forgive or soften their hearts, so they are basically zombies except hard and evil.

Are you hard and evil?

I was reading a sci-fi book tonight about a guy who visited hell. His aunt, who he thought was sweet during her life, greeted him. But a killer was in heaven.

Is that how it goes? Hardened criminals are able to soften their hearts and be human, but everyday-seeming people like teachers of young children care so much about their egos and pride that they kill the humanity in themselves to appear strong and like they need no one?

I don't just cry because you and I won't work, I cry because your soul feels so far away - lost, dead.

The one person I thought I connected with is the person I feel the most disconnected from now.

I know you're not happy. We could have been, but you messed it all up by choosing the dark side. Funny how we saw Spiderman together and you liked my article on forgiveness, yet you are choosing the black suit/symbiote. Can you not see it?

Do you really think this is healthy? In the end, your ego and fortress walls are going to destroy you. I will ultimately be ok, even though I hurt, because it's a clean hurt and I've been through and processed these things before, but my heart grieves for yours - or what's left of it.

You in your 20s is my ghost; you now, in your 40s, is just a ghoul.

I tell myself you are no longer the girl who shyly handed me the penguin puppet and walked out of class.

You are no longer the one who put her hand on mine in your car, or the one who copied my food and wore the same shirt I own.

You are definitely not the one who told me you were sad, or that you felt the same way, or confided in me about your embarrassing childhood memories.

I could go on, but the main thing is, that you died.

My actual husband died, but I'm at peace with that.

But you...you're not a ghost, you're a ghoul.

I learned what ghouls are tonight...living souls who are basically like demons. They can't forgive or soften their hearts, so they are basically zombies except hard and evil.

Are you hard and evil?

I was reading a sci-fi book tonight about a guy who visited hell. His aunt, who he thought was sweet during her life, greeted him. But a killer was in heaven.

Is that how it goes? Hardened criminals are able to soften their hearts and be human, but everyday-seeming people like teachers of young children care so much about their egos and pride that they kill the humanity in themselves to appear strong and like they need no one?

I don't just cry because you and I won't work, I cry because your soul feels so far away - lost, dead.

The one person I thought I connected with is the person I feel the most disconnected from now.

I know you're not happy. We could have been, but you messed it all up by choosing the dark side. Funny how we saw Spiderman together and you liked my article on forgiveness, yet you are choosing the black suit/symbiote. Can you not see it?

Do you really think this is healthy? In the end, it is only going to destroy you. I will ultimately be ok, even though I hurt, because it's a clean hurt and I've been through and processed these things before, but my heart grieves for yours.

You can't say that I did anything wrong to you. I've been nothing but loving and you know it.

Just because I was hurting one day and said something indirectly about my feelings about how you were treating me, you blocked me. I was already feeling so lousy, and you just rubbed salt in the wound.

You could at least have given me an answer instead of stalking me. I didn't mind you looking, but I feel violated that you wanted to be sneaky about it. It felt like you wanted to steal my essence without me even having any say in it. A normal person would just look, but you dug into my comments and were on there for days and weeks and hours, in depth, and tried to act like you weren't.

There is nothing I hate more than dishonesty from someone I love. That's why I mentioned that I felt "people" were "insincere." It was passive-aggressive, yes, but how can you just defend yourself and not take accountability for what led up to it? You have never taken accountability. I have, and I can't be in an imbalanced situation where you can't humble yourself and admit you hurt me. Your actions hurt me. If you loved me, that would affect you enough to want to make things right rather than playing stupid games and/or avoiding me.

How can you think you can just ignore me and think you're going to be "high value" when I have severe abandonment wounds from my past, including from you? Do you think I'm a masochist?

I'm a middle-aged woman - not a teenage boy. I just wanted your presence, your companionship, your closeness. I'm not looking for games of Keep Away or Cat and Mouse. I'm so over that immature mindset.

You were the "one that got away" for 20 years.

I always liked and respected you.

We were research partners in grad school, and we worked so well together.

We were close friends and we exchanged the longest emails I could ever imagine, regularly.

We even went on a couple dates, and you put your hand on mine and snuggled with me.

You wished me love. We laughed, we cried, we even panicked together.

The silence was beautiful and the support was sweet.

I thought we were soulmates.

Then I tried to get back in touch. You would show me you were there, but just out of reach. You took my love and took it for granted. You couldn't give me a yes or no answer, just never-ending ambiguity, never letting me get confirmation nor closure.

Then I realized the other times you played games with me - manipulation, gaslighting, ghosting, holding back, maybe even lying. You even "blocked" me if only for a day. You didn't even express any care that I was hurting. It was all about your ego.

Now you practice your "dark psychology" on me and think it makes you have "high value" to act like the one who cares less and is inconsistent, and weaves in and out of my life.

I have finally realized who you are -- and I don't like you. And that hurts really bad. I did love who I thought/hoped you were. I projected myself onto you. We really are very different.

I saw something special in you, but your insecurities and self-hatred make you a manipulative coward.

I want nothing more than to feel those soft, sweet feelings towards you, but all I see is someone who is far less developed and far more immature than I ever realized.

The rose-colored glasses are off, and the view is sobering.

I hope you get help.

I will take responsibility for idealizing you; I fell for the potential trap again.

It's one thing that you don't really have relationship experience (and I'm pretty sure you lied about your so-called partner in college - they are your cousin, aren't they?), but why would you take relationship advice from gross alpha male type men? Have I ever been into that type? Never.

You want to be a "high value" person? Then just be honest and present like I asked you to be. Be authentic. I value people who are present, responsive, and vulnerable, and don't need to look at outdated games of manipulation.

Want to "control" me? Write me a heartfelt love letter. If anything would get me to submit to you, it'd be that...

Want to stop obsessing over me? Talk to me directly. We'd both feel good enough to pursue other things in life if things were actually stable between us.

It's really not that hard. It's simple...if you're not a coward who is controlled by your ego; lose your ego.

It's directly responsible for our demise, you know...

Take your Black Edge, Masculine Ego, Stoic Mindset, Self-Mastery ick and separate as far away from it as possible. It is toxic sludge. Are you really that emotionally immature, really?!

If you can't ask me, then at least look into John Gottman Ph.D. or healing Disorganized Attachment.

Maybe you are just way too inexperienced for me. I'm not even that experienced, but I've been married and in a few relationships, so I do know something about how to manage communication and life together with someone. You think you know better?

It's pretty pathetic, you know? I could chalk it up to inexperience, but you ought to at least be honest. Just tell me you don't know what you're doing.

You like Bryan Adams -- why can't you just listen to Straight From the Heart? That tells you all you really need to know when it comes to me...

The first day I came back, you were up all night and day obsessing over me. The next day, you were available all day at work, when you got home, right before you went to sleep.

The first day I came back, you were interactive and constantly interested in every boring word I said.

Then as the days passed, I notice you paid less and less attention. No interactions. No longer available anymore.

Here we go again, I guess.

I am not playing games. I decided to take space because I don't want games. But there is a definite pattern here - I disappear for days or weeks, and you go crazy when I come back until you get comfortable and do your own thing again.

I thought maybe this time you realized what I meant to you. But that's always what I think, isn't it?

To think something is going to change is stupid on my part, I guess.

I pray. But I have to let you go once and for all. I can't keep getting my hopes up for someone just looking to make sure I'm still available when they feel like it.

I can't be mushy on my page right now, so please know that when I'm evaluating the book on soulmates, I really want to tell you that you are my twin flame and I want you right here right now on the couch, reading and evaluating with you as I massage your tired soldiers.

I signed onto X and I appear to have new impressions on my 0-follower profile at 2:30 AM. I haven't seen activity for days and I haven't posted anything in a while.

Do you miss me? I miss you. I ache for you. I want to send you a heart-shaped balloon, through the ether, with a message on it, with the words, "Always your girl," because I always am. Are you my girl? You are my heart.

Do you want me, like I want you? Do you need me, like I need you? Do you love me, like I love you?

Can I come snuggle into your bed with you and tuck your hair behind your ears and kiss them?

Can I lie on my side facing you and fall asleep clasping your hands in mine?

Can we wear matching pajamas and drink hot chocolate by the fireplace if we can't sleep?

Do you feel my heart calling you? Have you been napping the day away too, to numb this pain?

Oh, I wish you would read what I posted on my website. It will explain that I'm not mad at you. You think I'm done with you. It's not what I want. But you have to seek out the answers yourself. I can't chase you. You have to show me you want this, not because I'm playing games. This just can't work if it's not more balanced.

I really miss you. I don't think we are ever going to get over each other. Are we doomed to another 20 years of this? I don't think I can take it.

I had to numb myself over you and even block you when we were younger, but I don't want to do that at this stage of life. I feel far too much softness towards you now to think of it.

Maybe you feel the same way because you could not even privatize your profiles from me for 24 hours.

Does it hurt you to hurt me, as much as it hurts me to hurt you?

Write me. Yell at me. Read me. Just stay with me.

I am sooo embarrassed.

I got an email welcoming me to YOUR high school alumni page tonight! I tried to look you up the other night and you were not listed, as usual. But for some reason, I am now listed as an alumni of your high school class.

But the hilarious part? YOUR NAME and profile link IS NOW LISTED RIGHT BELOW MINE!

I had a panic attack and called my mom crying, because I know she looks people up on that website.

But how did I end up as a member of your class?! I'm already a member of another school and class! And how did you sign up literally right after I searched for you?! DO they have your recent email address?

You can imagine my surprise when I looked at the welcome page and it said "Welcome, new members, S and J..." ?!?!?!?! OMG. I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment.

Did you see that? Did you suddenly join to show me that you caught me? LOL. After I lectured you about secretly orbiting me online. HA.

I guess I'm a hypocrite. Now I guess I understand why you freaked out and ghost clicked that link on my website the other day. Of course that's different than me BEING SIGNED UP FOR YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALUMNI! I must look like a real freak now, huh?

Oh wow. So the cat is out of the bag. I am obsessed with you. You are obsessed with me.

What can I say? What can I do? I asked the website to remove me, but it takes 24 hours.

You haven't blocked me...yet. Are you going to? What is this going to do? Make you hate me even more or bolster your ego? Or will you feel scared like I am doing it on purpose? I really didn't.

Are we even yet?

I met a woman (S) in grad school many years ago and we became close friends and research partners. She and I had feelings for each other romantically too, but we were not out and were too afraid anyway.

I ended up marrying a man and he died a few years ago. I loved him in general but I didn't have romantic feelings for him.

I always carried S in my heart and saw by her sparse social media posts that she felt the same about me, but when I made contact months ago to ask her to talk and/or see each other, she didn't respond. However, she became very active on my social media and we ended up making profiles just for each other.

Recently we had a falling out because I made an indirect comment about how I don't feel trusted (S can be very pessimistic and also jealous). The next morning, she privatized all her FB profiles plus her deceased fathers' whom she had lived with before he died recently. Anyway, when I said I had closure, she opened the profiles that same night but has avoided me since.

S and are both neurodivergent loners who live alone with no children and I don't even think she has had any relationships or friends. But we had so much in common, and I think I may have been the only one she got close to except she still was too scared to lose control.

Anyway, she is the only person I ever felt this deeply connected to, also, and I feel I don't connect to almost anyone or anything (being badly bullied for ASD, I think, ruined me). I do love my mom, and she's the only person I have in my life currently.

I do have a saving relationship with Jesus. I pray daily, have read the Word many times over, and have asked Him many times to fill this hole in my heart. Someone prophecied over me that S and I would be like David and Jonathan of the Bible, with a covenant partnership. I have been believing for this, and even when I was a little girl, I had this vision of two innocent girls playing together and it seemed like me and S! I felt like we knew each other the minute we met, and it was mutual.

So why does my heart feel so heavy and grieved when I see the mountains or sunset? I think of her and think about how beautiful and sweet we could be. We had so much in common.

I know God is supposed to be enough, but even He told Adam it wasn't good to be alone. I feel this deep well of love for S, like part of me is missing. Even before meeting her, I felt that feeling all my life and nothing fills it.

Does anyone relate?

I wish I could hook up a wire from my heart to yours, from my mind to yours, to make you understand:

We could have the sweetest, most electric, meaningful relationship of our lives...

if only you'd trust me.

I saw how you looked at me. I know how you obsessed about me. I am aware that you followed me all those years, even when we were apart.

You wouldn't let yourself call me your closest friend, but I was.

You wouldn't let me know that you loved me beyond a birthday card, but you did.

You didn't want me to see how much you invested in me, day after day, night after night, but I knew.

Why didn't you want me to know? You waited for me. You wanted my confession...only to run away when you had it.

Or rather, you didn't run from the confession, you just couldn't let it fully in.

You wanted my love for your ego, but you couldn't accept my love for your soul.

I love you unconditionally. You don't believe in such things, though. "Everything has its price. Vulnerability is weakness. Never lose control. Nothing works out." Right?

What's ironic is you think that your brokenness pushes me away; it doesn't. Nothing you say pushes me away. It's what you don't say. It's the distance, the ghostings, the hiding, the secrecy; your pushing me away...is the only thing that pushes me away.

This was all under your control. We could have been happy together. Imperfectly. From scratch. But together.

I am your friend, not your enemy. I am your lover, not your nemesis.

You hate in me the truth that you can't face in yourself.

I pray for your courage, your faith - have faith in Love. Have faith in me. Have faith in you. Have faith in us.

You are not afraid of love. You will gladly accept people fawning all over you, if it doesn't cost you anything, including showing up.

You can hold a job - sure. Because it's about your ego. Your identity is in your job. It makes you feel powerful and in control and proud. You call the shots and it brings you satisfaction.

But you can't hold a relationship because that requires surrendering your ego. Your identity would have to be shared with another person, or you would have to be so secure in yourself that you could connect with someone else that you wouldn't feel threatened to lose yourself.

It's amazing how you could be so obsessed with someone and pay such close attention for months to ME, but you can't stand anyone paying attention to YOU. It's fine for you to give me attention on YOUR terms, but as soon as I say or do anything that requires response, thought, or feeling from YOU, you shut down. You can write me 4-page letters about your experiences, but when I bring something to your attention, you ghost me.

You always have to be in control. You hate gifts because it means you're "obligated" to reply.

Too bad you see life as transactional. You haven't spiritually surrendered. I guess I haven't either because I've been focused on you too. Two sides of control, I guess, but my intentions were love, not just going along for a free ride.

I thought it was you who used me as a 2-dimensional character for your fantasy fulfilment, but actually, I guess I projected my love potential onto someone with no emotional depth or ability to truly let someone in.

I guess we both messed up.