u/Brilliant_Version667

You in your 20s is my ghost; you now, in your 40s, is just a ghoul.

I tell myself you are no longer the girl who shyly handed me the penguin puppet and walked out of class.

You are no longer the one who put her hand on mine in your car, or the one who copied my food and wore the same shirt I own.

You are definitely not the one who told me you were sad, or that you felt the same way, or confided in me about your embarrassing childhood memories.

I could go on, but the main thing is, that you died. Not physically. Just psychologically. And you choose this completely yourself, as misguided as you are.

My actual husband died, but I'm at peace with that.

But you...you're not a ghost, you're a ghoul.

I learned what ghouls are tonight...living souls who are basically like demons. They can't forgive or soften their hearts, so they are basically zombies except hard and evil.

Are you hard and evil?

I was reading a sci-fi book tonight about a guy who visited hell. His aunt, who he thought was sweet during her life, greeted him. But a killer was in heaven.

Is that how it goes? Hardened criminals are able to soften their hearts and be human, but everyday-seeming people like teachers of young children care so much about their egos and pride that they kill the humanity in themselves to appear strong and like they need no one?

I don't just cry because you and I won't work, I cry because your soul feels so far away - lost, dead.

The one person I thought I connected with is the person I feel the most disconnected from now.

I know you're not happy. We could have been, but you messed it all up by choosing the dark side. Funny how we saw Spiderman together and you liked my article on forgiveness, yet you are choosing the black suit/symbiote. Can you not see it?

Do you really think this is healthy? In the end, your ego and fortress walls are going to destroy you. I will ultimately be ok, even though I hurt, because it's a clean hurt and I've been through and processed these things before, but my heart grieves for yours - or what's left of it.

You in your 20s is my ghost; you now, in your 40s, is just a ghoul.

I tell myself you are no longer the girl who shyly handed me the penguin puppet and walked out of class.

You are no longer the one who put her hand on mine in your car, or the one who copied my food and wore the same shirt I own.

You are definitely not the one who told me you were sad, or that you felt the same way, or confided in me about your embarrassing childhood memories.

I could go on, but the main thing is, that you died.

My actual husband died, but I'm at peace with that.

But you...you're not a ghost, you're a ghoul.

I learned what ghouls are tonight...living souls who are basically like demons. They can't forgive or soften their hearts, so they are basically zombies except hard and evil.

Are you hard and evil?

I was reading a sci-fi book tonight about a guy who visited hell. His aunt, who he thought was sweet during her life, greeted him. But a killer was in heaven.

Is that how it goes? Hardened criminals are able to soften their hearts and be human, but everyday-seeming people like teachers of young children care so much about their egos and pride that they kill the humanity in themselves to appear strong and like they need no one?

I don't just cry because you and I won't work, I cry because your soul feels so far away - lost, dead.

The one person I thought I connected with is the person I feel the most disconnected from now.

I know you're not happy. We could have been, but you messed it all up by choosing the dark side. Funny how we saw Spiderman together and you liked my article on forgiveness, yet you are choosing the black suit/symbiote. Can you not see it?

Do you really think this is healthy? In the end, it is only going to destroy you. I will ultimately be ok, even though I hurt, because it's a clean hurt and I've been through and processed these things before, but my heart grieves for yours.

You can't say that I did anything wrong to you. I've been nothing but loving and you know it.

Just because I was hurting one day and said something indirectly about my feelings about how you were treating me, you blocked me. I was already feeling so lousy, and you just rubbed salt in the wound.

You could at least have given me an answer instead of stalking me. I didn't mind you looking, but I feel violated that you wanted to be sneaky about it. It felt like you wanted to steal my essence without me even having any say in it. A normal person would just look, but you dug into my comments and were on there for days and weeks and hours, in depth, and tried to act like you weren't.

There is nothing I hate more than dishonesty from someone I love. That's why I mentioned that I felt "people" were "insincere." It was passive-aggressive, yes, but how can you just defend yourself and not take accountability for what led up to it? You have never taken accountability. I have, and I can't be in an imbalanced situation where you can't humble yourself and admit you hurt me. Your actions hurt me. If you loved me, that would affect you enough to want to make things right rather than playing stupid games and/or avoiding me.

How can you think you can just ignore me and think you're going to be "high value" when I have severe abandonment wounds from my past, including from you? Do you think I'm a masochist?

I'm a middle-aged woman - not a teenage boy. I just wanted your presence, your companionship, your closeness. I'm not looking for games of Keep Away or Cat and Mouse. I'm so over that immature mindset.

You were the "one that got away" for 20 years.

I always liked and respected you.

We were research partners in grad school, and we worked so well together.

We were close friends and we exchanged the longest emails I could ever imagine, regularly.

We even went on a couple dates, and you put your hand on mine and snuggled with me.

You wished me love. We laughed, we cried, we even panicked together.

The silence was beautiful and the support was sweet.

I thought we were soulmates.

Then I tried to get back in touch. You would show me you were there, but just out of reach. You took my love and took it for granted. You couldn't give me a yes or no answer, just never-ending ambiguity, never letting me get confirmation nor closure.

Then I realized the other times you played games with me - manipulation, gaslighting, ghosting, holding back, maybe even lying. You even "blocked" me if only for a day. You didn't even express any care that I was hurting. It was all about your ego.

Now you practice your "dark psychology" on me and think it makes you have "high value" to act like the one who cares less and is inconsistent, and weaves in and out of my life.

I have finally realized who you are -- and I don't like you. And that hurts really bad. I did love who I thought/hoped you were. I projected myself onto you. We really are very different.

I saw something special in you, but your insecurities and self-hatred make you a manipulative coward.

I want nothing more than to feel those soft, sweet feelings towards you, but all I see is someone who is far less developed and far more immature than I ever realized.

The rose-colored glasses are off, and the view is sobering.

I hope you get help.

I will take responsibility for idealizing you; I fell for the potential trap again.

It's one thing that you don't really have relationship experience (and I'm pretty sure you lied about your so-called partner in college - they are your cousin, aren't they?), but why would you take relationship advice from gross alpha male type men? Have I ever been into that type? Never.

You want to be a "high value" person? Then just be honest and present like I asked you to be. Be authentic. I value people who are present, responsive, and vulnerable, and don't need to look at outdated games of manipulation.

Want to "control" me? Write me a heartfelt love letter. If anything would get me to submit to you, it'd be that...

Want to stop obsessing over me? Talk to me directly. We'd both feel good enough to pursue other things in life if things were actually stable between us.

It's really not that hard. It's simple...if you're not a coward who is controlled by your ego; lose your ego.

It's directly responsible for our demise, you know...

Take your Black Edge, Masculine Ego, Stoic Mindset, Self-Mastery ick and separate as far away from it as possible. It is toxic sludge. Are you really that emotionally immature, really?!

If you can't ask me, then at least look into John Gottman Ph.D. or healing Disorganized Attachment.

Maybe you are just way too inexperienced for me. I'm not even that experienced, but I've been married and in a few relationships, so I do know something about how to manage communication and life together with someone. You think you know better?

It's pretty pathetic, you know? I could chalk it up to inexperience, but you ought to at least be honest. Just tell me you don't know what you're doing.

You like Bryan Adams -- why can't you just listen to Straight From the Heart? That tells you all you really need to know when it comes to me...

The first day I came back, you were up all night and day obsessing over me. The next day, you were available all day at work, when you got home, right before you went to sleep.

The first day I came back, you were interactive and constantly interested in every boring word I said.

Then as the days passed, I notice you paid less and less attention. No interactions. No longer available anymore.

Here we go again, I guess.

I am not playing games. I decided to take space because I don't want games. But there is a definite pattern here - I disappear for days or weeks, and you go crazy when I come back until you get comfortable and do your own thing again.

I thought maybe this time you realized what I meant to you. But that's always what I think, isn't it?

To think something is going to change is stupid on my part, I guess.

I pray. But I have to let you go once and for all. I can't keep getting my hopes up for someone just looking to make sure I'm still available when they feel like it.

I can't be mushy on my page right now, so please know that when I'm evaluating the book on soulmates, I really want to tell you that you are my twin flame and I want you right here right now on the couch, reading and evaluating with you as I massage your tired soldiers.

I signed onto X and I appear to have new impressions on my 0-follower profile at 2:30 AM. I haven't seen activity for days and I haven't posted anything in a while.

Do you miss me? I miss you. I ache for you. I want to send you a heart-shaped balloon, through the ether, with a message on it, with the words, "Always your girl," because I always am. Are you my girl? You are my heart.

Do you want me, like I want you? Do you need me, like I need you? Do you love me, like I love you?

Can I come snuggle into your bed with you and tuck your hair behind your ears and kiss them?

Can I lie on my side facing you and fall asleep clasping your hands in mine?

Can we wear matching pajamas and drink hot chocolate by the fireplace if we can't sleep?

Do you feel my heart calling you? Have you been napping the day away too, to numb this pain?

Oh, I wish you would read what I posted on my website. It will explain that I'm not mad at you. You think I'm done with you. It's not what I want. But you have to seek out the answers yourself. I can't chase you. You have to show me you want this, not because I'm playing games. This just can't work if it's not more balanced.

I really miss you. I don't think we are ever going to get over each other. Are we doomed to another 20 years of this? I don't think I can take it.

I had to numb myself over you and even block you when we were younger, but I don't want to do that at this stage of life. I feel far too much softness towards you now to think of it.

Maybe you feel the same way because you could not even privatize your profiles from me for 24 hours.

Does it hurt you to hurt me, as much as it hurts me to hurt you?

Write me. Yell at me. Read me. Just stay with me.

I am sooo embarrassed.

I got an email welcoming me to YOUR high school alumni page tonight! I tried to look you up the other night and you were not listed, as usual. But for some reason, I am now listed as an alumni of your high school class.

But the hilarious part? YOUR NAME and profile link IS NOW LISTED RIGHT BELOW MINE!

I had a panic attack and called my mom crying, because I know she looks people up on that website.

But how did I end up as a member of your class?! I'm already a member of another school and class! And how did you sign up literally right after I searched for you?! DO they have your recent email address?

You can imagine my surprise when I looked at the welcome page and it said "Welcome, new members, S and J..." ?!?!?!?! OMG. I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment.

Did you see that? Did you suddenly join to show me that you caught me? LOL. After I lectured you about secretly orbiting me online. HA.

I guess I'm a hypocrite. Now I guess I understand why you freaked out and ghost clicked that link on my website the other day. Of course that's different than me BEING SIGNED UP FOR YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALUMNI! I must look like a real freak now, huh?

Oh wow. So the cat is out of the bag. I am obsessed with you. You are obsessed with me.

What can I say? What can I do? I asked the website to remove me, but it takes 24 hours.

You haven't blocked me...yet. Are you going to? What is this going to do? Make you hate me even more or bolster your ego? Or will you feel scared like I am doing it on purpose? I really didn't.

Are we even yet?

I met a woman (S) in grad school many years ago and we became close friends and research partners. She and I had feelings for each other romantically too, but we were not out and were too afraid anyway.

I ended up marrying a man and he died a few years ago. I loved him in general but I didn't have romantic feelings for him.

I always carried S in my heart and saw by her sparse social media posts that she felt the same about me, but when I made contact months ago to ask her to talk and/or see each other, she didn't respond. However, she became very active on my social media and we ended up making profiles just for each other.

Recently we had a falling out because I made an indirect comment about how I don't feel trusted (S can be very pessimistic and also jealous). The next morning, she privatized all her FB profiles plus her deceased fathers' whom she had lived with before he died recently. Anyway, when I said I had closure, she opened the profiles that same night but has avoided me since.

S and are both neurodivergent loners who live alone with no children and I don't even think she has had any relationships or friends. But we had so much in common, and I think I may have been the only one she got close to except she still was too scared to lose control.

Anyway, she is the only person I ever felt this deeply connected to, also, and I feel I don't connect to almost anyone or anything (being badly bullied for ASD, I think, ruined me). I do love my mom, and she's the only person I have in my life currently.

I do have a saving relationship with Jesus. I pray daily, have read the Word many times over, and have asked Him many times to fill this hole in my heart. Someone prophecied over me that S and I would be like David and Jonathan of the Bible, with a covenant partnership. I have been believing for this, and even when I was a little girl, I had this vision of two innocent girls playing together and it seemed like me and S! I felt like we knew each other the minute we met, and it was mutual.

So why does my heart feel so heavy and grieved when I see the mountains or sunset? I think of her and think about how beautiful and sweet we could be. We had so much in common.

I know God is supposed to be enough, but even He told Adam it wasn't good to be alone. I feel this deep well of love for S, like part of me is missing. Even before meeting her, I felt that feeling all my life and nothing fills it.

Does anyone relate?

I wish I could hook up a wire from my heart to yours, from my mind to yours, to make you understand:

We could have the sweetest, most electric, meaningful relationship of our lives...

if only you'd trust me.

I saw how you looked at me. I know how you obsessed about me. I am aware that you followed me all those years, even when we were apart.

You wouldn't let yourself call me your closest friend, but I was.

You wouldn't let me know that you loved me beyond a birthday card, but you did.

You didn't want me to see how much you invested in me, day after day, night after night, but I knew.

Why didn't you want me to know? You waited for me. You wanted my confession...only to run away when you had it.

Or rather, you didn't run from the confession, you just couldn't let it fully in.

You wanted my love for your ego, but you couldn't accept my love for your soul.

I love you unconditionally. You don't believe in such things, though. "Everything has its price. Vulnerability is weakness. Never lose control. Nothing works out." Right?

What's ironic is you think that your brokenness pushes me away; it doesn't. Nothing you say pushes me away. It's what you don't say. It's the distance, the ghostings, the hiding, the secrecy; your pushing me away...is the only thing that pushes me away.

This was all under your control. We could have been happy together. Imperfectly. From scratch. But together.

I am your friend, not your enemy. I am your lover, not your nemesis.

You hate in me the truth that you can't face in yourself.

I pray for your courage, your faith - have faith in Love. Have faith in me. Have faith in you. Have faith in us.

You are not afraid of love. You will gladly accept people fawning all over you, if it doesn't cost you anything, including showing up.

You can hold a job - sure. Because it's about your ego. Your identity is in your job. It makes you feel powerful and in control and proud. You call the shots and it brings you satisfaction.

But you can't hold a relationship because that requires surrendering your ego. Your identity would have to be shared with another person, or you would have to be so secure in yourself that you could connect with someone else that you wouldn't feel threatened to lose yourself.

It's amazing how you could be so obsessed with someone and pay such close attention for months to ME, but you can't stand anyone paying attention to YOU. It's fine for you to give me attention on YOUR terms, but as soon as I say or do anything that requires response, thought, or feeling from YOU, you shut down. You can write me 4-page letters about your experiences, but when I bring something to your attention, you ghost me.

You always have to be in control. You hate gifts because it means you're "obligated" to reply.

Too bad you see life as transactional. You haven't spiritually surrendered. I guess I haven't either because I've been focused on you too. Two sides of control, I guess, but my intentions were love, not just going along for a free ride.

I thought it was you who used me as a 2-dimensional character for your fantasy fulfilment, but actually, I guess I projected my love potential onto someone with no emotional depth or ability to truly let someone in.

I guess we both messed up.