u/Candid-Astronomer904

I'm 40, been diagnosed with bipolar at 27, and yet I still feel like my self-care goes out the window. I take meds each day, at least, but I sometimes let the depressive episodes get the best of me. I'm mostly depressed, actually.

For those who've lived with the diagnosis for a while, how did you learn to give yourself grace when you fell off? And what do tell yourself to stay on? Meaning how do you stay more or less consistent with your routines?

I try to keep my morning and night routines as simple as possible, but it's hard to turn off my phone and not chat with friends at night an hour before bedtime lol. I try to turn off my phone and computer at 9 p.m., so I can wind down and be asleep by 10. How do you adhere to your self-care boundaries?

I'm a 40F, and I wonder if there are ways to feel more desirable within. I've struggled with this for a while.

I've never been in a relationship, and although I've online dated for some time, until only recently (stopped last year), I could never make it past a a few dates or max a few months of dating until they'd not be interested anymore, or worse, they'd ghost me.

I've had crushes on men IRL and that never panned out for me either. Mostly because they weren't into me at all, and were just friendly.

I just feel very undesirable sometimes, and I wonder if there's a solution to this.

I'm a 40F and I put this post on a dating sub not too long ago. I basically described these behaviors of a guy who's in his mid 40s who I have kind of a crush on. We are both working on a project that he volunteered to help me with, so a lot is at stake if I ask him out and he says "no."

Some said in the post, that it sounds like he is interested, but I'm not so sure.

So I would like honest but constructive opinions in this regard. As an update (which I also indicated in the post), I wrote some kind of musing about a writer who he mentioned in our meeting through a short text. No response. Granted it wasn't like a direct question, but he never even gave it a thumbs up or anything.

He does respond to emails, but project related ones, and yes, he uses warm fun language, but that's it. And for some reason it seems he doesn't want to get paid for this. I have offered to pay a flat fee, no response. I offered even an honorarium, and no response. He's not saying "yes" or "no" to payment. Dunno what that means, really, if anything.

So my question is: does he like me at all, and is it worth the risk asking him to get coffee?

I'm a single straight woman in my early 40s, and I was talking to my mom the other day, about de-centering men and dating, and bringing the focus back to me. And she asked me a critical question:

"Why is it so important for you to have a man in your life?"

For the longest time (since my mid 20s) I downloaded off and on dating apps, formed crushes on people at work, school, etc.. And I wonder, what do I feel a man can provide for me that I cannot already provide for myself?

I journaled about it and would like to share some preliminary thoughts about what I wrote:

I feel companionship, intimacy (physical and emotional) are the main things I can get out of a decent man being in my life. But then I thought: what about improving my relationship with myself? As an act of self-love? Like being my own best companion first? And then choosing good friendships/communities that support that?

I think it boils down to self-kindness and finding fulfilling things that make me happy on my own first. I am a musician, and I do find making music makes me feel whole and very fulfilled. I just have been in a bit of a creative slump lately, but I think willing myself to play again is good.

I also think that a woman's identity is not in which man she's with. Society feeds us this lie, that as the old jazz tune goes, "you're nobody until somebody loves you." But it's not true! We're whole complete beings capable of much self-love!

Not saying, I wouldn't be open to meeting a man down the road, but I'm trying to make it not important really at all. And right now i honestly don't want to think about it too much.

So I think of centering myself, not in an egotistical or isolating way, but in a loving caring way.

Am I wrapping my head around this in a sensible way? Thoughts?

I'm not sure if this is illness, or Abilify, but I notice I have these longings and desires I didn't used to have: namely to date, or to be with men. This has been going on since I started Abilify in 2012. And I sometimes develop crushes on certain single men who I work in close collaborations with, like for projects and such. And this is problematic. I would download dating apps too off and on.

I didn't used to be like this before taking Abilify, but then again I was super ill before Abilify too and that was my best option to get me out of mania then.

I told my doctor about studies having to do with Abilify and lack of impulse control, and she denied it. She thinks it helps with impulsivity, and I can't convince her to even look at the study.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone else has felt this way, and if upon reducing or eliminating Abilify, if the impulsivity went away.

I'm a 40F, and i THOUGHT that this guy who's in his mid 40s was interested in me. But at the end of the meeting, he did this super awkward fist bump, handshake somewhat facetious combo, and then we parted ways.

So we took a professional development class together last semester (we're both in grad school). We were in the same group, and that was nice. And then over Spring Break I asked if he knew of anyone who'd be willing to help me with a side project of my own. He volunteered himself, which was very nice, and he said he was excited to work on this. So I thought great. And then I noticed he came to a performance of mine (related to the project somewhat) unprompted, in-person. He does these city sign-offs in his emails depending where he's located while traveling. So he'd tell me where he is at various points when we'd email back and forth this semester. Also his language is pretty casual and warm, not too formal in letter speak. So i thought "hmm, that's rather unusual. I wonder if he's interested in me in some way."

I mean he's cute for sure! And I don't know enough about him, but maybe because we're working on a project, I don't want to make things weird. So I just would be focused on the project. We met today in-person after a while. The meeting lasted only 30 min, but it just kind of wound down naturally. And he tells me as we're both headed out, that he traveled all the way just to meet for this meeting, because his earlier morning meetings moved to remote.

I mean, the fist bump handshake attempt you don't do to someone you like more than a friend, or have a crush on, typically. So maybe he just wanted to get out of the house I dunno.

Anyway, just venting and saying my meter is broken. :(

I'm a 40F and I've largely given up on dating. I completely gave up on online dating too and am no longer on the apps. I hardly got matches, and when I did these guys were either total creeps, or just not interested in me as a person (they'd talk about themselves a lot or just not ask questions). Now I remain open to the prospect of dating IRL but just go about my life as well. I'm in graduate school, so life is quite busy for me anyway. If I see a guy who I find attractive, we mainly talk about things that are related to our school work/project. I've noticed, no man in my whole life has come up to me, or even asked questions about me because they're genuinely curious about me outside the scope of school or work.

For example, and this applies to men who I know are single: I am working on a project with a 40sM also in grad school, and he seems generally pretty warm but he doesn't ask me questions outside the scope of the project, or even exchange numbers. I gave him mine "just in case" and he didn't reciprocate. Or once he signed off in his email from a different city he was traveling to, and I mentioned about that city and was curious, and he didn't acknowledge.

I try to be receptive and open and, more importantly, myself. I'm now drawing this conclusion, that It just feels like who I am is not what people want beyond just a friendly interaction. I'm not preferred and other women who maybe wear more makeup, or dress a certain way, or look a certain way get to be with someone. or even act sort of aloof, or mean even.

Hi all, I take medication daily (just Abilify for now), and yet I still feel my depression takes over. Before I was diagnosed after hospitalization many years ago, I felt I was enough, and worthy of whatever came my way either career-wise, relationship-wise, etc.. But once the depression hit, I feel it changed me.

Silly q, but is this feeling of overall worthlessness typical of bipolar depression? If so, maybe I need to have an add on antidepressant to my med. I tried DBT, CBT, ACT, and it works in acute situations but long-term I still feel depressed.

Hi all, I've had this diagnosis for about 15 years, and I've had some friends come in and out of my life. I've currently got a friend who is there for me but she doesn't read up on or care to know more about bipolar disorder. Is that a red flag?

Or is it a tall order for your closer friends to know about how you function? My family does (they are doctors too so makes sense for them to want to research). I'd just feel more seen if people close to me knew on lay terms how my bipolar illness affects me.

Thoughts on this?

I'm a 40F, South Asian American, and the other day I was out with a female friend who's non-white. I told her lately I've been liking white men (the last 3 guys I dated or were interested in are white). I don't actively seek them out and put filters for white men on OLD or anything haha, but I do for some reason have some white men in my orbit. I am also a graduate student. The demographics at my institution are mostly Asian, Latino, and white.

She thought, hmm, could this be internalized racism I experience? That I go for these white guys lately? At first I thought that was kind of bogus because I've also dated primarily E. Asian, S. Asian in my 20s prior to grad school, less Latino or Black (but a few), but it makes me wonder about this.

I met these men primarily through OLD at the time. I also come from a family that's pretty progressive, and as long as he is good to me, matches with me intellectually, morally, etc., and has a decent job it's all good.

But lately, I find this one white guy I am in school with (he's in a similar field to me) kind of cute and that scares me the more I think about it. Any other women (particularly POC) experience this?

Edit: I'd like to make this a safe CONSTRUCTIVE space to comment.

This is rare for women maybe, but I'm a 40F and I've always either been caught in the the friendly area with guys I've liked, or I've dated guys online who ghosted me or criticized me.

For example: guys who I met online through apps told me 1. "you're not fun enough" (after 8 dates) 2. "you're too much" 3. "you don't let me feel vulnerable for fear I'll be judged." Or they just ghost me.

Like currently there's this guy (late 40sM) I've known since last semester, we took a professional development class together (we're in grad school but in different departments). I'm working on a new creative project and I essentially asked if he knew names of people to be on board for this. he wound up volunteering himself and said he was excited to work on this with me.

Initially I thought, great! And his work portfolio looked promising. And his kindness is kind of alluring. He always does these email sign-offs from every city he's traveling to for work, is super supportive of my vision and encouraging of my work ethic. I gave a performance recently (I'm a musician) and he thought it was so great and said specifically what he liked about it, and said "hope you rest up well!" post performance.

But if he truly liked me more than a friend, or were intrigued by me, I think he'd ask me out, or it'd be more obvious. I've been once burned twice shy by douchey men so I'm not sure if this guy is just being really nice or more than that.

I mean I guess if he just wanted to be friends, it's not a bad thing inherently, because it's good to have platonic male friends who are supportive like this. Not many men are like this I feel, at least from my experience.

So I'm wondering how i can get out of this in his mind or anyone's mind. I know I'm at an age in which I should really stop giving f***s and just live my life. I try, but sometimes I fall for guys like this. It's sad, lol. Like is there anything I say or do?

Hello all, I've already seen a few posts about Vraylar but they're a little old. So what is the consensus on Vraylar as monotherapy (just on Vraylar and no other medication)? I am currently on Abilify monotherapy, and I have tried various combinations and permutations of Abilify with SSRIs, or Lamictal, etc. since my diagnosis 15 years ago. The add-ons weren't all that effective, so I've been suggested Vraylar. I'm seeing my doctor next week, but just wondering what you all think of it.

I just want to be myself, and feel more motivation again. On just Abilify I'm almost constantly depressed. I don't feel the manic symptoms anymore, but the depression won't go away, no matter what I do. Like I learned DBT, CBT, ACT therapies but they only work so much. I do get sleep, attempt self-care as often as possible. Right now, I just feel I'm surviving just above water, and not thriving, so-to-speak.

Edit: I have a good insurance right now through my employer (university), but it will run out in 2027. 😞 But I will try to have insurance after I graduate from grad school.

I'm a 40F who got ghosted by a guy who dated me for 3 months (met him on Hinge) in 2025. yes that wasn't very long, but it was a very intense experience. Red flag. And in retrospect, after the emotions over being rejected this way died down, I saw all the other red flags. And they were glaring.

So my advice to you (and to myself) going forward: date with eyes wide open. Actions speak louder than words. When something gives you the ick, or a red flag feeling, don't discount that feeling, especially early on.

And keep loving yourself, and putting your needs and yourself first. You're a gem. I didn't do that or feel that while dating him, I gave up my schedule for this guy, and mostly served his needs. Bad for me.

Lastly, trust and vulnerability must be earned, not freely given.

Hoping we can meet our other halves, who treat us with respect, kindness, and unconditional love. And know how to healthily communicate!

Edit: I'm not saying it's your fault they ghosted and you should have dated differently. Not at all. They were total cowards and ghosted, and that's a them thing. But there might have also been some red flags about them that showed their hand early on. At least that was the case for me.

I think nowadays that there got to be better people out there. And I'm worthy of a healthy partnership.