u/Candid-Function6330

i am a disabled trans man from indonesia trying to escape an abusive home for the first time in my life. i have spent most of my life isolated, abused, neglected, controlled, and surviving in an environment that constantly destroys me mentally and physically. right now i am preparing to move to malaysia, and even though i am the closest i have ever been to freedom, i feel completely exhausted and broken from everything i had to survive to get here.

i feel so tired. not just because i’m physically and mentally disabled, but because of this whole thing. packing. researching. advocating. fundraising. chasing org. preparing to leave. dealing with abuse every single day while trying to survive long enough to escape it.

nobody truly understands the pressure and humiliation of living like this.

i don’t even feel comfortable leaving my room. i literally hold my pee and poo for hours or days because i don’t want to deal with my family members. even taking a shower feels like a battle. the second my abusive third brother notices i’m preparing to shower, he suddenly runs to the bathroom first. and once i’m inside, they always turn off the water machine so i run out of water mid shower.

everything in this house feels like physical and psychological warfare.

my abusive mother constantly drains me emotionally and materially. whenever i order food, she asks me to buy for her too. whenever she has problems, she comes to me. meanwhile i’m the neglected and isolated one. i’m the one being trapped, guilt tripped, controlled, and abused.

i’m exhausted.

and i’m full of rage.

i think i’ve been full of rage since elementary school. rage toward my family, my environment, adults, systems, organizations, and people who saw what was happening and still moved on comfortably while my life never even got the chance to begin.

everybody else gets safety, privacy, relief, and peace. meanwhile my life has been frozen in survival mode for 25 years.

people think i’m lazy or unstable, but they don’t understand how much effort it takes just to exist in this environment every day. packing while disabled, traumatized, sleep deprived, and mentally burned out is hell. i’m forcing myself to organize documents, make plans, prepare to move, contact organizations, and survive my family while having literally no relief.

that’s the biggest problem.

there is no real relief.

games don’t work anymore. distractions don’t work anymore. going outside barely works anymore because i’m too physically and mentally exhausted, and because everything costs money while my family constantly drains my resources too.

the only thing that gives me relief now is a decent human conversation where i feel seen, understood, and emotionally held consistently. not just temporary kindness from strangers that disappear the next day. i mean real connection where someone actually stays.

but i don’t have access to healthy people.

so i keep going back to toxic apps, random voice calls, dating apps, friendship apps. places filled with transphobia, manipulation, ghosting, harassment, sexualization, and emotional abuse.

and i know they’re bad for me.

but what else am i supposed to do when i’m this extremely isolated?

humans are not meant to survive like this.

after years of betrayal and incompetence from almost everybody, i’ve developed this dangerous belief that nobody is competent enough to save me except myself.

and life keeps proving me right.

organizations delay everything. people forget. systems fail. friends disappear. adults disappoint me over and over again.

even now with the trans organization i’m talking to, i’ve been waiting since august. first they said six months. then i raised my own money because i didn’t want to wait anymore. then they said 90 days. it has been way longer than that and almost nothing has happened.

they barely answer messages. they delay calls. they forget things. and now i had to delay my flight again because they want another call first to “make sure” i can survive in malaysia without a caregiver.

and i understand concern. i understand risk assessment. but what destroys me is that just to get one call, i have to wait almost another week trapped in this environment while my mental health keeps deteriorating.

i don’t even trust the process anymore because so many times before this, they said they would get back to me and then forgot, disappeared, delayed, or responded weeks later after i had to remind them over and over again.

i’m so tired of constantly advocating for myself while already drowning.

i’m tired of reminding people that i exist.

i’m tired of reminding people that i’m suffering.

i’m tired of reminding people to do things they already promised to do.

every extra week here damages me more.

i had to become hyper independent because nobody else ever truly stepped up for me.

i raised my own escape money. i planned my own survival. i researched immigration myself. i packed myself. i survived myself.

i’m literally surviving on adrenaline, desperation, and pure refusal to die in this environment.

and when you spend your whole life being failed by family, schools, hospitals, institutions, organizations, friends, and communities, eventually you stop trusting anyone.

you become hyper independent because you have to.

what happens when literally everybody repeatedly fails you?

what happens when every person that was “supposed” to help either disappears, delays, minimizes, betrays, or moves on with their life?

i’m just so tired.

and the saddest part is that despite everything, despite all the rage and distrust and disappointment, some part of me still desperately wants people to prove me wrong.

i still want someone to truly step up.

i still want someone to understand the severity of what i survived and not abandon me halfway through.

i still want happiness.

i still want love.

i still want family.

i’m 25, disabled, and trans, living in indonesia. i’ve been in an extremely abusive household (as well as schools, hospital, workplaces) for most of my life. the abuse are emotional, surveilling, starvation, physical, sexual, and constant. it’s the kind of environment where you’re always tense, always anticipating the next thing, never really safe, even in the bathroom.

for a long time, i didn’t have the option to leave. i had to survive. i had to take care of the whole family especially my abusive dad that had a stroke when i was still a child myself. i learned to abandon my own needs just to keep things from getting worse.

and that pattern never really left me.

even now, when i’m finally close to escaping, i still find myself doing the same thing of putting others before myself in ways that drain me completely. i’ve been trying to take care of my nephew and my abusive little sister, even though being around my family is deeply triggering and exhausting. i know it comes from trauma, from trying to protect others the way no one protected me. but it’s costing me so much energy and mental health at a time when i need it the most.

right now, i’m in the final stage of leaving. i’m packing, preparing documents, going to my last medical appointments, trying to organize everything so i can move to a neighboring country and apply for resettlement.

this is the closest i’ve ever been to freedom.

but mentally and physically, i feel like i’m collapsing.

i’m exhausted all the time. i barely sleep properly. my body feels tense constantly. i have terrorizing nightmares. even small tasks like packing or organizing things feel overwhelming because my brain just feels fried.

on top of that, i’m extremely connection deprived. i’ve tried so hard to find connection, both online and in real life. i’m not asking for someone to save me or fix my life. i just want basic consistency, someone who stays, someone who doesn’t disappear. but most of the time, people come in, say things that sound caring, and then leave. it keeps happening, and it makes everything feel heavier.

so i’m here, at the edge of finally leaving, but also at one of the lowest points mentally.

at the same time, i know how far i’ve come. i know that younger me would never believe i made it this close. i’ve survived things i shouldn’t have had to survive.

but right now, i don’t feel strong. i feel tired. i feel scared.

i don’t need advice or criticism right now.

i just need someone to tell me:

that i’m not overreacting

that what i went through is real

that i’m doing the right thing

that i’m close

that i can actually make it out

i think i just need someone to believe in me for a moment, because it’s really hard to believe in myself right now.

i’m 25, disabled, and trans, living in indonesia. i’ve been in an extremely abusive household (as well as schools, hospital, workplaces) for most of my life. the abuse are emotional, surveilling, starvation, physical, sexual, and constant. it’s the kind of environment where you’re always tense, always anticipating the next thing, never really safe, even in the bathroom.

for a long time, i didn’t have the option to leave. i had to survive. i had to take care of the whole family especially my abusive dad that had a stroke when i was still a child myself. i learned to abandon my own needs just to keep things from getting worse.

and that pattern never really left me.

even now, when i’m finally close to escaping, i still find myself doing the same thing of putting others before myself in ways that drain me completely. i’ve been trying to take care of my nephew and my abusive little sister, even though being around my family is deeply triggering and exhausting. i know it comes from trauma, from trying to protect others the way no one protected me. but it’s costing me so much energy and mental health at a time when i need it the most.

right now, i’m in the final stage of leaving. i’m packing, preparing documents, going to my last medical appointments, trying to organize everything so i can move to a neighboring country and apply for resettlement.

this is the closest i’ve ever been to freedom.

but mentally and physically, i feel like i’m collapsing.

i’m exhausted all the time. i barely sleep properly. my body feels tense constantly. i have terrorizing nightmares. even small tasks like packing or organizing things feel overwhelming because my brain just feels fried.

on top of that, i’m extremely connection deprived. i’ve tried so hard to find connection, both online and in real life. i’m not asking for someone to save me or fix my life. i just want basic consistency, someone who stays, someone who doesn’t disappear. but most of the time, people come in, say things that sound caring, and then leave. it keeps happening, and it makes everything feel heavier.

so i’m here, at the edge of finally leaving, but also at one of the lowest points mentally.

at the same time, i know how far i’ve come. i know that younger me would never believe i made it this close. i’ve survived things i shouldn’t have had to survive.

but right now, i don’t feel strong. i feel tired. i feel scared.

i don’t need advice or criticism right now.

i just need someone to tell me:

that i’m not overreacting

that what i went through is real

that i’m doing the right thing

that i’m close

that i can actually make it out

i think i just need someone to believe in me for a moment, because it’s really hard to believe in myself right now.