u/Candid-Function6330

Hi everyone. I'm a 25 y/o disabled trans man from Indonesia, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I feel like I've exhausted every realistic option I could think of, and I'd really appreciate hearing what other leftists would do if they were in my situation.

I grew up in an extremely abusive household and have spent years trying to escape. Alongside that, I live with chronic illness such as sjogren's syndrome, arthritis, autism, ocd, adhd, and other conditions that make working a conventional job incredibly difficult, especially after years of abuse. For a long time, my entire life revolved around trying to find a way out. I contacted refugee organizations, activists, journalists, governments, UN agencies, and countless NGOs. I researched humanitarian pathways almost every day. I built an online community, fundraised enough money to leave Indonesia, and a month ago escaped to Malaysia after a trans organization suggested there was a possible resettlement pathway through UNHCR.

Unfortunately, after I arrived, that organization decides to bailed on me. UNHCR's waiting times and limited capacity made it clear that it wasn't going to be a realistic solution for me, and living in Malaysia as a foreigner without the right visa was financially impossible. While I was there, I was also >! raped !<, and reporting it to the police became another traumatic experience. I was treated without basic empathy and was ultimately encouraged to drop the case because I would soon be leaving the country anyway.

After spending almost all of my savings simply trying to survive in Malaysia, I was forced to return to my abusive home in Indonesia a few days ago.

Coming back has been devastating. I genuinely thought when I left that I would never have to return here again. Being back has brought back memories and realities that I somehow stopped thinking about while I was away. Every day revolves around managing abuse, trying to avoid conflict, and surviving. At the same time, my brain won't stop thinking about how to escape again because I know staying here isn't safe either.

One would suggest scholarships, student visas, or work visas, and logically I understand those are probably the most realistic long-term pathways left. But when I actually look at the requirements, I feel completely overwhelmed. I would be competing against people who had stable homes, healthcare, supportive families, tutors, and opportunities I've never had. Meanwhile, I'm trying to recover from years of severe abuse, chronic illness, disability, trauma, and recent >! sexual assault !<. I don't know how I'm supposed to compete with that.

I don't feel like I haven't tried. I really have. I've spent years researching, emailing organizations, contacting anyone I could think of, fundraising, advocating for myself, and trying every realistic avenue that came to mind. It feels like I've already been fighting at full capacity for years, and now the only options left seem to require even more from a body and mind that already feel completely burned out.

I know life isn't fair, but I struggle to understand just how unequal it can be. I see people who never had to fight this hard getting opportunities that seem completely out of reach for me, while every step forward for me feels like climbing a mountain with weights tied to my body. I wish I had simply been born somewhere else, with a stronger passport or into a country where abuse, disability, and being trans didn't stack so many barriers together.

So I guess my question is this:

If you genuinely found yourself in my position, after exhausting organizations, fundraising, trying refugee pathways, and now being forced back into an abusive home because there were no viable alternatives, what would you do next?

I know there probably isn't an easy answer. I'm just very tired, and I feel like I'm running out of ideas.

Hi everyone. I'm a 25 y/o disabled trans man from Indonesia, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I feel like I've exhausted every realistic option I could think of, and I'd really appreciate hearing what other leftists would do if they were in my situation.

I grew up in an extremely abusive household and have spent years trying to escape. Alongside that, I live with chronic illness such as sjogren's syndrome, arthritis, autism, ocd, adhd, and other conditions that make working a conventional job incredibly difficult, especially after years of abuse. For a long time, my entire life revolved around trying to find a way out. I contacted refugee organizations, activists, journalists, governments, UN agencies, and countless NGOs. I researched humanitarian pathways almost every day. I built an online community, fundraised enough money to leave Indonesia, and a month ago escaped to Malaysia after a trans organization suggested there was a possible resettlement pathway through UNHCR.

Unfortunately, after I arrived, that organization decides to bailed on me. UNHCR's waiting times and limited capacity made it clear that it wasn't going to be a realistic solution for me, and living in Malaysia as a foreigner without the right visa was financially impossible. While I was there, I was also raped, and reporting it to the police became another traumatic experience. I was treated without basic empathy and was ultimately encouraged to drop the case because I would soon be leaving the country anyway.

After spending almost all of my savings simply trying to survive in Malaysia, I was forced to return to my abusive home in Indonesia a few days ago.

Coming back has been devastating. I genuinely thought when I left that I would never have to return here again. Being back has brought back memories and realities that I somehow stopped thinking about while I was away. Every day revolves around managing abuse, trying to avoid conflict, and surviving. At the same time, my brain won't stop thinking about how to escape again because I know staying here isn't safe either.

One would suggest scholarships, student visas, or work visas, and logically I understand those are probably the most realistic long-term pathways left. But when I actually look at the requirements, I feel completely overwhelmed. I would be competing against people who had stable homes, healthcare, supportive families, tutors, and opportunities I've never had. Meanwhile, I'm trying to recover from years of severe abuse, chronic illness, disability, trauma, and recent sexual assault. I don't know how I'm supposed to compete with that.

I don't feel like I haven't tried. I really have. I've spent years researching, emailing organizations, contacting anyone I could think of, fundraising, advocating for myself, and trying every realistic avenue that came to mind. It feels like I've already been fighting at full capacity for years, and now the only options left seem to require even more from a body and mind that already feel completely burned out.

I know life isn't fair, but I struggle to understand just how unequal it can be. I see people who never had to fight this hard getting opportunities that seem completely out of reach for me, while every step forward for me feels like climbing a mountain with weights tied to my body. I wish I had simply been born somewhere else, with a stronger passport or into a country where abuse, disability, and being trans didn't stack so many barriers together.

So I guess my question is this:

If you genuinely found yourself in my position, after exhausting organizations, fundraising, trying refugee pathways, and now being forced back into an abusive home because there were no viable alternatives, what would you do next?

I know there probably isn't an easy answer. I'm just very tired, and I feel like I'm running out of ideas.

Hi everyone. I'm a 25 y/o disabled trans man from Indonesia, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I feel like I've exhausted every realistic option I could think of, and I'd really appreciate hearing what other leftists would do if they were in my situation.

I grew up in an extremely abusive household and have spent years trying to escape. Alongside that, I live with chronic illness such as sjogren's syndrome, arthritis, autism, ocd, adhd, and other conditions that make working a conventional job incredibly difficult, especially after years of abuse. For a long time, my entire life revolved around trying to find a way out. I contacted refugee organizations, activists, journalists, governments, UN agencies, and countless NGOs. I researched humanitarian pathways almost every day. I built an online community, fundraised enough money to leave Indonesia, and a month ago escaped to Malaysia after a trans organization suggested there was a possible resettlement pathway through UNHCR.

Unfortunately, after I arrived, that organization decides to bailed on me. UNHCR's waiting times and limited capacity made it clear that it wasn't going to be a realistic solution for me, and living in Malaysia as a foreigner without the right visa was financially impossible. While I was there, I was also raped, and reporting it to the police became another traumatic experience. I was treated without basic empathy and was ultimately encouraged to drop the case because I would soon be leaving the country anyway.

After spending almost all of my savings simply trying to survive in Malaysia, I was forced to return to my abusive home in Indonesia a few days ago.

Coming back has been devastating. I genuinely thought when I left that I would never have to return here again. Being back has brought back memories and realities that I somehow stopped thinking about while I was away. Every day revolves around managing abuse, trying to avoid conflict, and surviving. At the same time, my brain won't stop thinking about how to escape again because I know staying here isn't safe either.

One would suggest scholarships, student visas, or work visas, and logically I understand those are probably the most realistic long-term pathways left. But when I actually look at the requirements, I feel completely overwhelmed. I would be competing against people who had stable homes, healthcare, supportive families, tutors, and opportunities I've never had. Meanwhile, I'm trying to recover from years of severe abuse, chronic illness, disability, trauma, and recent sexual assault. I don't know how I'm supposed to compete with that.

I don't feel like I haven't tried. I really have. I've spent years researching, emailing organizations, contacting anyone I could think of, fundraising, advocating for myself, and trying every realistic avenue that came to mind. It feels like I've already been fighting at full capacity for years, and now the only options left seem to require even more from a body and mind that already feel completely burned out.

I know life isn't fair, but I struggle to understand just how unequal it can be. I see people who never had to fight this hard getting opportunities that seem completely out of reach for me, while every step forward for me feels like climbing a mountain with weights tied to my body. I wish I had simply been born somewhere else, with a stronger passport or into a country where abuse, disability, and being trans didn't stack so many barriers together.

So I guess my question is this:

If you genuinely found yourself in my position, after exhausting organizations, fundraising, trying refugee pathways, and now being forced back into an abusive home because there were no viable alternatives, what would you do next?

I know there probably isn't an easy answer. I'm just very tired, and I feel like I'm running out of ideas.

2 days ago I went to the police station to report a rape that happened to me a couple of weeks ago.

For context, I'm a disabled trans man from Indonesia currently in Malaysia. I came here alone after fleeing abuse and have been trying to survive while navigating an uncertain visa situation, asylum-related issues, and almost no support system.

3 days ago, I unexpectedly ran into the man who r*ped me. Seeing him again sent me into a complete panic. I spent the night shaking, crying, calling hotlines, and barely sleeping. All the hotlines I called were drilling me to report to the police as it was a crime and it was my "responsibility" to report. Though they were aware it will be difficult for me as I am a foreigner and some of them think it would be better off for me to just go back to Indonesia and the man will not get any consequences.

So, I decided to go to the police.

I thought reporting it would be difficult.

I didn't expect it to be humiliating.

At the first police station, I was handed a phone and connected to a police woman (She was an Investigation Officer) from a different branch. From the beginning, the conversation felt hostile. She repeatedly put me on the spot with questions and spoke to me in a way that felt accusatory rather than supportive.

At one point she told me that she blamed me for what happened because I am 25 years old and "should have known better."

When I asked why she was blaming me, she immediately cut me off and said she was the police officer and she was the one asking questions, not me. She insisted she wasn't blaming me, but later admitted that she was.

I was then instructed to travel to her branch so she could take my statement.

I spent hours there.

Hours.

I had to share extremely graphic and humiliating details about the r*pe. Details I would never willingly tell another human being. I answered every question. I forced myself to relive everything. I sat there while a bunch of strangers, using harsh vulgar words, picked apart one of the worst experiences of my life.

The entire time, I felt like I was being treated as a problem rather than a victim.

There was no empathy.

No kindness.

No basic human warmth.

No acknowledgement of how difficult it was for me to even be there.

She even treated me like less than a human being and yelled at me when I accidentally enter her office with shoes on, as if that's her main priority and not helping me.

By the end of it, she encouraged me to drop the case.

Her reasoning was that my visa expires in less than a week, I will likely have to leave Malaysia, and the investigation process could take a very long time. She explained that the police would not be able to provide a restraining order, housing assistance, financial assistance, legal assistance, or help with extending my visa.

In other words, after spending hours reopening one of the deepest wounds of my life, I was essentially told that pursuing the case would likely be expensive, difficult, and possibly pointless.

I understand that she may have been trying to explain reality.

What I don't understand is why it had to be done with so little compassion.

I wasn't expecting miracles.

I wasn't expecting the police to solve every problem in my life.

I just wasn't expecting to walk into a police station after reporting a rape and leave feeling blamed, humiliated, and completely alone.

I haven't eaten or drink anything the whole day, my head was hurting so much and I had a fever due to how stressful everything was. I still sick now.

I keep thinking about how hard it was for me to go there in the first place.

I was terrified.

I was shaking.

I was having nightmares.

I was barely functioning.

And I still went.

I still reported it.

I still told the truth.

Yet somehow I left feeling worse than when I arrived.

Nothing surprises me anymore.

She told me to not tell Indonesian Embassy that the Malaysian Police weren't helping. She told me I should tell the embassy that I chose to leave Malaysia which is why the Police weren't able to help. Even though it's not like I choose to leave Malaysia, it's that she gave me no other options since she is not willing to help with extending my visa or any sort of assistance!

I just don't understand how all these police officers were so cold and harsh like a Nazi.

You know, Indonesian Government never really care that much about their citizens anyway. So it won't be much use for me to go to the embassy.

Physically and mentally I am also already beyond tired and drained and devastated to go through all of this alone again.

2 days ago I went to the police station to report a r*pe that happened to me a couple of weeks ago.

For context, I'm a disabled trans man from Indonesia currently in Malaysia. I came here alone after fleeing abuse and have been trying to survive while navigating an uncertain visa situation, asylum-related issues, and almost no support system.

3 days ago, I unexpectedly ran into the man who r*ped me. Seeing him again sent me into a complete panic. I spent the night shaking, crying, calling hotlines, and barely sleeping. All the hotlines I called were drilling me to report to the police as it was a crime and it was my "responsibility" to report. Though they were aware it will be difficult for me as I am a foreigner and some of them think it would be better off for me to just go back to Indonesia and the man will not get any consequences.

So, I decided to go to the police.

I thought reporting it would be difficult.

I didn't expect it to be humiliating.

At the first police station, I was handed a phone and connected to a police woman (She was an Investigation Officer) from a different branch. From the beginning, the conversation felt hostile. She repeatedly put me on the spot with questions and spoke to me in a way that felt accusatory rather than supportive.

At one point she told me that she blamed me for what happened because I am 25 years old and "should have known better."

When I asked why she was blaming me, she immediately cut me off and said she was the police officer and she was the one asking questions, not me. She insisted she wasn't blaming me, but later admitted that she was.

I was then instructed to travel to her branch so she could take my statement.

I spent hours there.

Hours.

I had to share extremely graphic and humiliating details about the r*pe. Details I would never willingly tell another human being. I answered every question. I forced myself to relive everything. I sat there while a bunch of strangers, using harsh vulgar words, picked apart one of the worst experiences of my life.

The entire time, I felt like I was being treated as a problem rather than a victim.

There was no empathy.

No kindness.

No basic human warmth.

No acknowledgement of how difficult it was for me to even be there.

She even treated me like less than a human being and yelled at me when I accidentally enter her office with shoes on, as if that's her main priority and not helping me.

By the end of it, she encouraged me to drop the case.

Her reasoning was that my visa expires in less than a week, I will likely have to leave Malaysia, and the investigation process could take a very long time. She explained that the police would not be able to provide a restraining order, housing assistance, financial assistance, legal assistance, or help with extending my visa.

In other words, after spending hours reopening one of the deepest wounds of my life, I was essentially told that pursuing the case would likely be expensive, difficult, and possibly pointless.

I understand that she may have been trying to explain reality.

What I don't understand is why it had to be done with so little compassion.

I wasn't expecting miracles.

I wasn't expecting the police to solve every problem in my life.

I just wasn't expecting to walk into a police station after reporting a rape and leave feeling blamed, humiliated, and completely alone.

I haven't eaten or drink anything the whole day, my head was hurting so much and I had a fever due to how stressful everything was. I still sick now.

I keep thinking about how hard it was for me to go there in the first place.

I was terrified.

I was shaking.

I was having nightmares.

I was barely functioning.

And I still went.

I still reported it.

I still told the truth.

Yet somehow I left feeling worse than when I arrived.

Nothing surprises me anymore.

She told me to not tell Indonesian Embassy that the Malaysian Police weren't helping. She told me I should tell the embassy that I chose to leave Malaysia which is why the Police weren't able to help. Even though it's not like I choose to leave Malaysia, it's that she gave me no other options since she is not willing to help with extending my visa or any sort of assistance!

I just don't understand how all these police officers were so cold and harsh like a Nazi.

You know, Indonesian Government never really care that much about their citizens anyway. So it won't be much use for me to go to the embassy.

Physically and mentally I am also already beyond tired and drained and devastated to go through all of this alone again.

When I escaped my abusive family in Indonesia, I didn't come here because I wanted a vacation. I came here because staying there was no longer sustainable. I was told there might be a path (resettlement to Canada or Europe) forward through UNHCR Malaysia and that there were organizations that could help me navigate the process.

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I held onto that hope because I didn't have much else.

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But one by one, it feels like everyone has disappeared.

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The same Malaysian organization that was supposed to help me ended up bailing on me, just like the trans organization that suggested Malaysia did. Other organizations told me they could only help me get asylum in Canada/Sweden/Australia once I am physically inside the country. No shit sherlock, you expect someone from a third world country with no ideal background and assests get a tourist visa to said countries? What kind of fuckery is that?

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I am also disabled, you think I could just get a job or study in said countries?

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Every time I think maybe I have found someone or something that will finally help carry this impossible burden, it somehow falls apart.

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It feels like one more person or group looked at my life and decided I wasn't worth saving for.

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Now I'm sitting in Malaysia wondering what the point of any of this was.

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I don't have a support system here. I don't have any guarantee that UNHCR will ever even call me after I requested my registration. My savings keep shrinking and I'm constantly living with the fear that my visa will expire before anything happens (I only have one week left)

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At the same time, I don't really have anywhere to go in Indonesia either.

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I could go to Bali, but that would be another completely new city, another apartment, another environment, another set of routines to learn while I'm already physically and mentally exhausted.

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I could go to Jakarta, but it's too close to my abusive family and that terrifies me.

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I could go back to my hometown, where everything is familiar, predictable, and more affordable, but the risk of running into my family or being dragged back into that nightmare feels unbearable.

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I could go to Bangkok, but then what? it's too expensive to stay in a completely new country with completely new environment. I could only stay for maximum

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Every option feels like a different version of the same nightmare.

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I didn't expect a perfect life.

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I didn't expect miracles.

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I just hoped that when I finally escaped my abusive family, someone would help me carry some of the weight.

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Instead, it feels like everyone bailed, and once again I'm left standing alone, trying to solve impossible problems while completely exhausted.

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I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

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I don't know if staying in Malaysia is the right choice.

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I don't know if leaving is the right choice.

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I don't know what country I'll be in a month from now.

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I only know that I'm so beaten down.

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And I wish that,

Just for once,

Somebody or something would stay.

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So I could rest.

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Just for once.