u/ChihuahuaMama96

I’m looking for new friends, I’m a crafty dog lover who enjoys music!

I’m up to talk about anything and everything at any time I’m usually on my phone a lot I’m in central standard time if that helps

Any age welcome! Just shoot me a message looking forward to hearing from ya 👋🏻

I’m exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally! I feel like I’m in the middle of a mental / nervous breakdown! It’s so much that now the slightest little thing just makes me want to give up! I honestly don’t see a point in life.

Yes I have a pretty amazing job, I’m a newborn photographer in a hospital I get to see babies the day after they’re born. I get to be a part of a beautiful moment and am able to give them a pictures they will cherish forever.

Yes I have 2 beautiful pups that are like my children but I’m so depressed I can’t play with them, I feel like they would better with someone who could actually play with them and give them the life the deserve.

I feel like a failure because I’ve let myself get to this point, I should have done a better copping skill or something different but I didn’t I failed

I have no family other than my mom and husband…. I feel like I’m causing them pain by them seeing me in pain. I’m arguing more and more with my husband because of this. Even though they would initially feel the loss I feel they would feel a relief and a weight lifted off them after they grieve a while.

My health has never been the best I have a bad back and messed up foot I’m in so much physical pain because of that. They have to take care of me and I can’t stand it!
I want to finally not feel pain but the main reason I want to die is to stop causing others pain and stress, they all deserve better than how I treat them when I’m in so much pain. They deserve better than me

I’m tired of surviving, I’m a hollow shell of a human.
Please don’t tell me I’m not the only one because I know!
Don’t tell me it’s only temporary because it’s not I’ve had this pain that’s just getting worse for 9 years now!
Don’t tell me people will miss you either because I promise no one really knows i exist except my mom and husband.
I’ve had to wear a mask to hide the shame, pain, and depression and it finally shattered and I was barely hanging on before but now I just can’t anymore

IT DOES NOT GET BETTER WITH TIME!!!!

I had gastric bypass about 8 years ago, that day I had gotten really sleepy, took a nap around 4pm, woke up with confusion and was disoriented, and kept falling back asleep for about 3 times or so until about 8pm… long story short I was told my blood sugar was low, it was 60, they told me it was probably because I hadn’t eaten enough that but in my confusion I had forgotten I actually ate breakfast and lunch as well as drank kool aid through out the day. I’m just curious if my gastric bypass is to blame even though this was the first time it’s ever happened, could it have been the fact I has clocked in at work for 23 hours over 3 days and 90% of that was walking and standing and I was just exhausted, or could it have been a little of both?

I now realize I was conditioned to be completely dependent on my mom so she would never have to be alone. She never made me get a job even into my 20’s and she let me live rent free never had to pay bills or anything. Then I became dependent on everyone without even realizing it and that’s probably why I’ve lost all my friends. When I got married I just became dependent on him too. She didn’t want to be around my husband but she didn’t want me to leave so bad that she let me and my husband live with her for free as well but since he did have a job, she asked him to help with a bill or two every once in a while.

My mom stayed with my cheating dad so since I was completely dependent on my husband I stayed even though he cheated on me as well (for 6 years straight). I lived in my childhood home my whole life, 30 years in the same house with being conditioned to not want to leave or be my own person and not to care about myself. Well my husband finally got a better job with more pay and we were able to get an apartment and once I was out of that house and away from my controlling mom I finally realized I can actually care about myself and that it’s not selfish to put yourself first sometimes. Because if you burn yourself out your no help to yourself or anyone else.

Now that I’m completely emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally gone from my mom and now my husband too even the littlest thing just makes me want to give up. This morning even though I was probably more in the wrong then he was (about 60/40) I’ve also worked 17 hours and 18 minutes the past two days with the majority of that standing or walking and I have severe chronic back pain and something new wrong with my ankle that I have already had surgery on(complete ligament reconstruction, that the surgeon ended up ruining my ankle I now have nerve damage and stuff). I’m going to have an MRI this week to see exactly what is going on but my doctor is guessing a ruptured tendon. So I’ve in so much physical pain. It didn’t help that I also had a horrible night because of the pain, not having much sleep is a pretty big venerability factor that makes it difficult to not over react or react irrationally.

Being completely broken I’m not handling things well and I just don’t know what to do so this morning I just packed a small bag of essentials and I’m now sitting in the parking lot at my job until I can go in unfortunately it’s going to be another 2 and a half hours as of writing this post, but after work (hopefully it won’t be a long day again today) I’m going to just stay in my car for a few days I guess because I can’t afford a hotel, I can’t emotionally afford to go back home (I’m going to go into more detail in a moment), and I just can’t go back to the apartment because I’ve never followed through on any threat so while it is unfair that I’m the one that has no where to stay I have to stand my ground! Also as I said before I have no friends and the only family I have is my mom and husband.

I can’t go back home because I called my mom just to vent really and she told me that I need to go back because it’s unsafe to live my car but I told her it is more safe in my car because this stupid marriage has made me hate myself even more then I already did my entire life and not able to see any other way out other then an unfortunate permanent situation (if you get what I mean) and I really don’t want to do that but that feeling is very strong (especially this morning)yet she told me I needed to go back home anyway and that I’m being irrational. She wants me to do what she did…stay with a cheating husband because leaving is irrational and she made a vow for better or worse and sickness and heath. She also thinks it’s been justified because she ended up getting a big settlement after my dad passed and she calls it her “reward” for staying.

Sometimes I do want to stop fighting and just become “the ideal wife of the 1920’s” because trying to stand up for myself and be my own person and trying to finally learn who I am because I am a stranger to myself (I’ve been everything for everyone my whole life I never even made my own identity), it’s just too hard when you’re nothing but a empty shell of a human.

So am I being irrational or am I doing the right thing?
Also should I limit even more contact with my mom?
Should I just cut all ties and start all over?
Keep in mind If I do start over I’ll be completely alone and even though I have a good steady job, I don’t make much money so it would be very hard and I would also have to leave my dog behind I don’t know if I’ll have enough money for me let alone enough to take care of her as well and she deserves better then living in a car…..she’s been the best dog and has kept me from making that permanent decision a few times.

I was conditioned to be completely dependent on my mom that I then unfortunately became dependent on my friends and drove them away so now I’ve been completely isolated for years the only people I am around or talk to is at work but I’ve only been here for about 9 months and I’ve only gotten to know them well enough to just speak in the halls like hey how are you today and of course I’m not going to just break down to a practical stranger that I’m so lonely I’m dwelling on “permanent solution to a temporary problem” thoughts. I am married but I am going through a very rough patch so I even feel alone with my husband and obviously I’m not talking to my mom and unfortunately I have no other family.

My interests:
Dogs, I have 2 chihuahuas
Crafting, I use a silhouette and make shirts, cups, bandage reels, and really anything you can put vinyl on
Photography, I am a newborn photographer in a hospital setting

I (30F) and my husband (30M) will be married 8 year in September and I’m not sure if our marriage will make it there. I met my husband in high school we dated for a year before his parents broke us up, long story short I had made some questionable choices in what we sent each other back then and unfortunately his parents saw it….yes it was very embarrassing. But honestly we both needed to grow up.

When our paths crossed again, I thought it was fate because it was like no time had passed and i was so happy we got each other promise rings and I just knew he was the one I wanted to marry and when he proposed I was ecstatic he worked with my best friend at the time to make sure he got the perfect ring and he definitely did it was beautiful and then our wedding was absolutely picture perfect, we got married on a cruise ship and once our wedding ceremony and reception was done our guest left the ship and we set sail on our honeymoon.

Now he was always the quiet shy guy but I thought once we were together more he would open up to me and get more comfortable but I was ok with the strong quite shy guy it’s part of what made me like him in the first part but he never did get more flirty or romantic with me which hurt but I didn’t want to make him change himself completely because asking your partner to change themselves is wrong and I just chocked it up to the shy quiet part but then around our one year anniversary I found a lot of porn saved on his phone and it hurt me that he would need to save any let alone that amount so I told him how I felt and asked him to delete it and not save anything else because I admitted to him that I could understand him maybe watching every once and a while but saving it is unexceptional and he apologized and said it would never happen again.

Fast forward to during year 3 of our marriage I found out he had been talking to women exchanging nudes and talking to them like I’ve dreamed for him talk that way to me calling them baby, sexy, and even wifey… when he never called me anything like that, the only name he would use for me is my actual name in a negative annoyed tone and usually only when he thought I wasn’t listening to him so really any other time he would just start talking not really calling me anything and getting my attention like hey bla bla bla also I’ve always called him pet names like baby, hunny bun, and hun. Another thing is he would text them thought out the day asking how their day is going and stuff i never got that either.

Honestly I probably forgave this too easily because it seemed it was only messages (yes I know even just messages is cheating and I don’t condone it but when we had started dating again I knew he was the one and I had a very wild period in my life and I wanted to get to do it one more time to get it out of my system before our relationship got anymore serious but I told him about it and I told him why I was very open and honest about it and gave him the opportunity to and the relationship if he wanted but I promised it would never again and it didn’t so yeah I probably forgave that too easily because of that be he said he was so sorry and he promised it would never happen again and I asked him he thought he had an addiction and he said no but I told him if he ever thinks that’s the case that we will figure it out together, but things went back to normal pretty quickly.

Then in the middle of year 5 and 6 I found out didn’t really ever stop but instead decided to go further, now he was begging to meet them and even paying them in gift cards and stuff and I just kept asking him why and he said he knew my back hurts (I have chronic back pain from disk problems in my lower that I’ve been dealing with for years that it just keeps getting worse to the point where I may have to have surgery) and he didn’t want to even ask because he knew it would hurt and he didn’t want to hurt me….. so his reason for doing it is he didn’t want to hurt me physically so he decided to hurt me emotionally…..

He even committed a felony because he took money out of my moms bank account without permission by use my card because my name is still on her account just in case something happens I won’t have any issues being able to use account to help pay for whatever bad thing that might happen. Yes, it was a felony amount of money and we did notice it but at the time he told me he had lost my card (because sometimes my mom allows me to get groceries and other necessities from time to time and I handed him my card to run by the store while he was already running other errands) and we figured someone must have hacked it and stole the money that was missing but here’s the kicker we couldn’t dispute the charges because my PIN number was used and we thought it was weird and honestly impossible but thought maybe someone was watching him and got the pin that way because i really believed him that he lost it or it got stolen.

Ultimately my mom decided not to press charges and because my name was on the account too I thought about filing charges myself just to teach him a lesson but then I thought what if he has to pay court cost or stuff and that would just be more money lost so i decided not to either. At this point I got his mom involved because I just didn’t know what to do anymore and her and his step dad came over and told him to grow up, stop acting like a horny teenager, and be the husband I deserve. It actually felt really good to have them stand up for me like that, even his stepdad showed actual concern! His stepdad is a jerk even my husband’s mom and brother have said so and he has always acted like he just never liked me from the first time I met him when I was in high school so for him to even show concern and sticking up for was huge.

After that he swore he wanted to fix our marriage and finally be the husband I deserve but one time I did have his phone so I could put a new ringtone I had made on there and I admit the curiosity got the better of me and I looked through his pictures and there was a picture of a girl dressed inappropriately (nothing risqué just inappropriate enough that it didn’t need to be on my husband’s phone) he had screenshot it and I said why do you have this and he proceeded to tell me that that picture was a flash at the end of a video on facebook and he timed it just right just to see what the image was and it was late and he was gonna delete it the next morning at work but got busy and forgot (he had the picture on his phone about a week) and then I pointed out (probably to aggressively because I was upset) that if that was the case then why did he save the screenshot in the first place because we have iPhones and once you screenshot something now you click the check and it saves it so why didn’t he just click 2 extra buttons and delete it right then and there and said what he ALWAYS say idk.

Now yes I can see how someone can look at that and be like it’s just a picture but with what I’ve been going through for 6 years little things like hurt just as much as the big stuff. Also because I’m asking my husband not to look or watch anything that is even close to inappropriate when I see anything that I wouldn’t want him to look at I get off of it immediately whether it be a video on Facebook or one of those stupid ai boyfriend or girlfriend ads or even just an ad that shows too much skin or something I lay my phone face down until the ad is over and my mom (who is widowed) had gotten into watching these guys on TikTok who dress up and act like different characters and I felt embarrassed when she wanted to show me some of the videos but then I started to think why am I the one getting embarrassed he’s the one who took it all too far I’ve never given any reason during this marriage for him to even think about doubting me. I was also starting to believe it was my fault he cheated that if only I were a better wife and were skinner maybe I wouldn’t have as bad of back problems he wouldn’t have cheated on me.

I even tried to set boundaries so he could earn my trust back but instead ignored them and even got angry at me when I would bring up the different times my boundaries were ignored. So now I’m done being the only one trying to fix this marriage I gave him an ultimatum either he has to find and schedule a marriage counselor or we get a divorce I also gave him a task to complete with in a week, I asked him to really think about if I had done all things he’s done, and he knows everything he’s done even the things I still don’t know about, what would he have done and I gave him a week because I’ve asked him this every time I found out something new and he always gave me the same answer (honesty it’s his answer for everything and I think he uses it as en excuse so he doesn’t have to explain anything he doesn’t want to) I don’t know.

Sometimes I think because of my past trauma and worse trust issues that I’m scared of just letting this go and doing something different and it doesn’t help that I don’t make as much money as he does so I am half way financially dependent on him. My biggest problem though is that I really do love him more than anything.

So if you have any advice I’d love to hear it or if you think me standing up for myself finally was done too late but mostly if you really think he could pull his head out of his ass and finally grow up and be the husband I deserve but no matter how broken my thought process is I do believe I deserve better!

I have known my use to be best friend since our freshman year in high school shortly after high school she got into an abusive relationship our friend group at the time tried to worn her but us being the teenagers we were she didn’t want to believe us and thought we were just being mean and never spoke to us again soon our friend group split up as we got older and we all moved on with our lives.

I had gotten married in 2019 and near my one year anniversary she reached out apologizing for how she reacted but she was finally able to get out of that abusive relationship and would like to reconnect so since her new boyfriend’s birthday was only a day or so off from our anniversary we decided to go to a bar to celebrate his birthday, our anniversary, and a new start to our friendship and it went amazing!

Over the next 4 years we would have days where we got coffee or went to a Mexican restaurant or even just a companied each other on errands around town now fast forward to about a year ago and she got the sad and unfortunate news that she would have to have a complete hysterectomy at the age of 30 and I knew she had wanted kids some day and on top of that she was having to apply to all these grants because at the time she didn’t have health insurance so I knew she was having a hard time and I was trying to help the best I could but around the same time I had gotten more details from my half sister about my dad’s trail, he was accused of “messing” with both my sisters, and I was told that it could be a possibility that he messed with me too and I felt betrayed by my mom and unfortunately unloaded all this in a series of text to my friend at like 2 o’clock in the morning she read them that next morning but never responded maybe I was in the wrong for not taking into consideration of the stress she was under but even though I texted her apologizing and stuff she never responded one day she posted on her facebook page “what is one thing that makes you happy” and I commented “it use to be talking and hanging out with my best friend” she then blocked me but I am still friends with her now fiancé so I did learn she got engaged and they bought their first house together and seem very happy and I still love her dearly and I am extremely happy that she is happy.

But here lately I have been feeling very lonely…. You see she wasn’t the first very close friend to just stop communicating the first one was my cousin and we were so close but one day she just stopped talking to me and eventually told me I put too much on her emotionally but literally we just talked to each other about life and normal friend talk and honestly I listened to her problems way more than I shared my own and yes it hurt tremendously to hear her say that my friendship was taking to much of an emotional toll on her that she needed to step back and stuff (I can’t remember exactly what she said) but since high school I’ve only had 2 real friends (or so I thought) my cousin and my friend and yes I blame myself for them leaving I definitely feel like it’s my fault.

Here’s the kicker though somehow I became very isolated over the past 4 to 6 years it apparently was a slow process because I didn’t notice until it was too late, now I’m not sure if I isolated myself (because of trust issues and childhood trauma) or if my unhealthy toxic mom and or my autistic husband (who doesn’t understand social things) isolated me or if it was a mixture of all three of us but by the time they just dropped me I was completely isolated and have been ever since. The only people that text me or talk to me is my mom and husband (who aren’t always the best people to talk to) and the only people I am around is when I’m a work for a few hours and honestly I’ve only been at this job 9 to 10 months and haven’t really gotten to know any of them past speaking in the hall or at doctor offices other than that I am home alone because my husband works from 7 to 7 and sometimes isn’t able to leave until 8 or 9

My therapist told me I should find groups on facebook and stuff that I can go to and be around people more but here’s the thing i am constantly broke because me and my husband just moved into our first apartment together mainly to get me away from my mom who was definitely not helping with my mental health issues so we went from not having hardly any bills and no rent to rent and all the bills but we are making it barely making it but making it nonetheless so I don’t have gas money or money to pay for classes or anything like that and my hobbies and interests are very uncommon for groups to do together and so I’m at a loss of where I can meet people.

So I made a desperate attempt to make things better between us because I’m so lonely and don’t know who else I can reach out to or make new friends so I sent her a text with a Disney’s frozen quote in it because I am a Disney adult and wanted to keep it whimsical and try to make it not sound as desperate as it truly is.

The text: Hey I'm really sorry for whatever I did can we be like frozen and go visit the troll and take away the mistakes but leave the fun?

Was I in the wrong when she stopped talking me in the first place?
Should I just leave her be?
Do you think I am right, that I am the problem in both friendships?
Were they right to leave?
I would also love suggestions on how to meet new people!

here is the short version of my life my dad was an abusive man he was physically violent with my mom and half brother but he was only mentally and verbally abusive to me and when I was 12 my dad got really sick from COPD and me and my mom had to be his caregivers and he passed away when I was 18 (still have mixed feelings about it) and my mom is a people pleaser on steroids which is probably where I learned all my insecurities from and then my husband cheated on my for 6 years of our 8 year marriage and I only had two friends and one was my cousin who told me I was emotionally draining her when all we did was talk to each other about life and normal friend talk and honestly I listened to her problems way more then I shared my own but yet I was the one emotionally draining her and then my other friend just stopped communication and so the only time I talk or am around other people is at work and honestly I’ve only been at this job 9 to 10 months and haven’t really gotten to know any of them past speaking in the hall. My husband works from 7 to 7 and usually isn’t able to leave until 8 or 9.

As long as I can remember I’ve hated myself and had no self esteem my mom always told me to keep daddy happy and so I became a people pleaser myself always trying to make people happy and of course everyone took advantage of me and used me until they didn’t need me anymore and it has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I’ve been in therapy a long time and I see my psychiatrist regularly but I have a very bad habit about putting on a mask in their offices because that’s what I do every time I am around anyone I feel like a hollow shell. My husband doesn’t help either but I try to not blame him because he was diagnosed earlier this year with high functioning autism and so he doesn’t understand social norms.

My therapist told me I should find a group on facebook or something to join to be around people but I’ve looked into it and it’s not as easy as she said you see I am always broke and yes I’m sure there are places where you can paint or stuff but that cost money and where I live there’s not any places you can go that’s free. And yes I know I could walk the mall or similar things but I have a bad back and I can’t walk far distances.

In reality all I want is someone to talk to….and I’ve told that to everyone I’ve even been to our local crisis center and told them I don’t really want to stay I just want someone to talk to and they said well this was a good chat but if your not going to stay then have a nice night hope you feel better. It just hurts worse when I am literally begging for help and I get nothing.

I also know that for a partner of someone with mental health issues is hard so it just upsets me worse because I’m upset my husband is upset and so it just makes a vicious cycle of self hatred.

Maybe another reason I’m not honest with my psych people is because I don’t want to disappoint them because I’m just not getting better in fact I’m getting worse.

Sorry it was so long I wrote this in the middle of a crisis so it all kinda just spilled out thank you for reading

What can I do to help myself because obviously no one else is?