u/Chrysanthemes__09

Over a year ago, I did something despicable I made a racist joke to my former Black boyfriend (I didn’t use any slurs). After I said it, I immediately realized it was just stupid, and I quickly regretted it, but it was too late. I apologized right away,

I didn’t try to say, “You’re too sensitive” or “It’s no big deal.” I apologized right away, promising never to do anything like that again, and it never happened again after that, but the damage had already been done because of me, It’s been 1 year and four months now that I’ve been feeling incredibly guilty, and I have absolutely no idea what to do especially since I already had OCD (real event/POCD/OCD about committing sa to someone). I told myself that I had only one solution is to commit suicide

but I don’t want to k€ll mylself because I’m too afraid of death; my only solution is to become very religious ( because Jesus forvige anyone)

Honestly, I don’t understand how he could have forgiven me. I feel like my life is ruined forever, and the guilt follows me day and night, constantly. And I can’t imagine how betrayed he must have felt.

I don't know what to do to erase my sin or be forgiven , I don't even know what I'm doing here because it really comes across as a white person playing the victim, looking for support from other racists so they'll say, “Oh, don't worry, we're all a little racist,” when clearly it's not okay to be just “a little racist.”

Especially since, for several months now, I’ve been active in far-left, anti-racist, and anti-imperialist movements (not to atone for any wrongdoing, but because I’ve always been on the left and the presidential elections are fast approaching in my country (France)), but I don’t dare get involved because of what I’ve done

I hope something horrible happens to me so I can get my karma, but so far nothing has happened

So I (18F) dated my ex (18M) for several months . Just before we started dating, he told me that he had been 🍇 throughout his childhood, along with other forms of abuse. From the very beginning, he was very touchy-feely with me (he held my hand all the time and wanted to kiss me a lot), and as the relationship progressed, he would caress my arms, back, my ankles, thighs, and breasts. And when we were cuddling, he’d touch my butt all without ever asking my permission (btw, I actually liked it, so no problem). Personally, I was pretty uncomfortable at first, so I’d just touch his hands and then his arms; honestly, I pretty much only touched his arms and hands

When we were doing more sexual stuff , every single time, and I mean every single time, I asked him if he was okay with it (and he did too). We’d even take breaks to make sure we were both still comfortable, and sometimes we’d talk about things that made us uncomfortable and he’d tell me that nothing made him uncomfortable. The problem is that, as I said, he was pretty muscular, especially his arms, and he seemed pretty proud of them (he’d often go shirtless outside; he had 10 photos of himself shirtless flexing on his public Instagram), so I’d often caress his arms, and sometimes I’d ask him to flex because he’d sometimes do it with me. The thing is, sometimes I’d ask him to flex, and he’d do it with a smile ( like he was proud )

The problem is that there were times when I asked him to be flex like for example a few times when I was on vacation and we were on a video call and he responded to me

"You know Im shy" with a slight smitk and I honestly thought it was some kind of joke / irony because we were doing that a lot so I played along by saying “Ohhh no, that’s too bad,” also chuckling a little and then he flexed anyway. Honestly, that kind of thing must have happened to us a few times, and really, I’ll say it again, I absolutely thought it was irony because he was anything but shy he really loved showing off his muscles on Insta / to others while working out, and after that, the relationship continued and he also kept touching me like usual (and he still never asked for permission).

Sometimes when we were walking down the street, he’d stop like three or four times to ask for a hug (and I’ll say it again, I liked it). Since we had a pretty high level of physical contact early on in the relationship, I honestly thought that standard physical contact (meaning non-sexual parts of the body like hands / arms) was normal in a couple and that there was no point in asking permission for it. I’ve personally always been very well-educated about the concepts of 🍇and consent because my sister herself had been a victim of it, and I really didn’t think what I was doing was wrong since it was just caressing non-sexual parts, and I feel really guilty about that. Well, after that, the relationship completely fell apart

It was pretty complicated, but I won't go into detail. At one point, I must have upset him, and he flew into a rage against me a real rage and accused me of absolutely everything he could possibly accuse me of. Some of the accusations were pretty ridiculous (like accusing me of manipulation because I cried when he left me, ) and others that were much more serious. he said that several times during the relationship I touched him in an unpleasant way and that it was obvious he didn’t like it but that I kept doing it anyway, and that during video calls I absolutely had to see his muscles and that I didn’t give a damn that he’d been abused as a child and that I just wanted to get turned on .

He blamed me for a bunch of other things after that. We had a quick talk, and I told him I was sorry for getting angry, and that was it.

Technically, there were other issues after that he stayed mad at me for like a month and insulted me several time, but we ended on good terms because I eventually sent him a long message apologizing for everything he’d accused me of. He accused me of so many things, but the one that really worries me is the one about the touching, and I’ve been feeling guilty for months because I tell myself I really should have been more careful since I knew he’d been sexually abused his whole childhood, I really should have been more careful, even though he never said no to me (but the absence of a “no” does not constitute consent), and then

Then he blamed me for not realizing he didn't want me to do that, because several times during our relationship he told me, out of the blue, "I have a problem with my appearance ," and to him that meant he didn’t like it when I did that, but I thought it meant he was insecure , so I often complimented him to help him with that complex and honestly, I feel so stupid for not understanding anything. I must have triggered him for months without knowing it, and honestly, I feel like an idiot. I thought that since he touched me freely, it meant I could technically do the same thing, but we don’t have the same background, and I’m afraid I may have sa him without knowing

Désolé si mon post et long et chiant je voulais juste demander quelque conseil a des femmes plus âgés et expérimentés.

C'est juste j'en ai vraiment marre ça va faire plus de 6 mois que je suis en goumin pour une relation qu'à duré genre que 7 mois , alors que la relation de base était tellement toxique ( mon ex a des graves troubles psychiatrique et il refuse tout soin / thérapie) et même si je sais que c'est pour le mieux je l'idéalise encore beaucoup me disant que malgré ses problèmes mentaux je trouverais pas mieux que c'était moi qui causait les problèmes et que de toute façon aucun autre homme de voudra de moi

C'était limite ma 1ère relation sociale profonde de toute ma vie car je parle pas beaucoup a cause de mon anxiété sociale et depuis la rupture j'ai pas fait grand chose ni rencontrer de nouvelle personne car j'étais en PASS toute l'année

Je sais même pas ce qui m'empêche d'avancer ça doit être la nostalgie car il m'a tellement love bonber durant des mois et la culpabilité car il m'a bien bien defoncer a la rupture et après car tout est de ma faute depuis le début

Honnêtement je commence a vraiment flipper car je pense encore h24 a lui je n'arrive absolument pas a me voir dans une relation avec quelqu'un d'autre mais ça fait déjà plus de 6 mois j'ai peur de ne jamais avancer et je suis la seule personne de mon entourage a stagner de la sorte pour juste une rupture

So my ex broke up with me six months ago, and I’m having a hard time moving on with anything because when we broke up, he accused me of all sorts of things, saying that everything was my fault from the start. Some of the accusations were ridiculous, and others were really disgusting, and I’m afraid that he might be partly right. At first, I didn’t really question it because my ex has serious, serious, serious untreated mental health issues, and I told myself that if he said things like that, it was only because he’s sick. But the more time goes by, the more I’m afraid I might have behaved badly without realizing it

I can’t figure out if it’s my fault because he has very, very strong reactions to little things, but on the other hand, I don’t want to be one of those people who are incapable of self-reflection and who always blame others.

And honestly, I have fewer feelings for him now, but my guilt is really what’s holding me back because I’m very, very anxious and I can’t stand feeling morally wrong.

Sorry for the long post.

So my ex broke up with me six months ago (it was really weird he used some strange excuses, like a dream, then came back and left again).

And during the breakup, he accused me of a lot of things (for the record, I think he has mental health issues maybe bpd or cptsd).

And honestly, I’m having a hard time getting past all those accusations, and I’m afraid I was the problem from the start. It all started because when he broke up with me for the second time via text, I got really upset (because he’d broken up with me 2 week before and then begged me to let him come back because I didn't want to

, promising not to leave me again ) and I got hysterical and said all sorts of things, telling him he deserved to be alone and begging him not to leave, that he’s the only one I have, and he flew into a rage because he was convinced I said those things to manipulate him with his abandonment issues. It went on for a really long time because he was still insulting me five weeks later.

He really blamed me for a lot of

For example, he accused me of really stupid things, like saying that if I cried when we broke up, it was only to try to manipulate him into coming back, and other even more messed-up stuff saying I was a rascist , I was flirting with other men during the relationship because I like attention claiming that during the relationship I would touch him inappropriately when he didn’t want me to, and that even though he was raped as a child, I didn’t give a damn because I just wanted to get turned on.

He also blamed me for a whole lot of other things, saying that all the problems stem from me, and honestly, I’m afraid he’s right because I understand where most of these accusations are coming from, and I’m afraid I didn’t handle the relationship properly

and that I’m just too self-centered to realize my faults. I’m really very anxious, and one of my phobias is being a bad person. A few months after the breakup, I sent him a very, very long message apologizing for everything he’d put up with. But despite that, I still feel guilty, especially because of the accusation of SA. I had always try to been respectful toward him, and I have no memory of ever doing anything like that, but if he told me that, it must mean he felt uncomfortable because of me. And no one understands my loved ones say I have nothing to blame myself for, but at the same time, they only have my side of the story.

It’s been six months now, and honestly, I have fewer feelings for him, but my guilt is really what’s keeping me from moving on.

I was told I’d be able to look back on it later, but honestly, during those six months except for the very beginning when I was upset I always concluded that it was probably me who started it all and that I’d pushed him too far, and I’m not really sure what to do. The only therapist I saw didn’t take me seriously and just told me to go work out and use Hinge to take my mind off things, and I feel stupid for going to a therapist just for a breakup when my parents have less money and my sister is struggling with a lot of trauma