u/Chrysanthemes__09

So my ex broke up with me six months ago, and I’m having a hard time moving on with anything because when we broke up, he accused me of all sorts of things, saying that everything was my fault from the start. Some of the accusations were ridiculous, and others were really disgusting, and I’m afraid that he might be partly right. At first, I didn’t really question it because my ex has serious, serious, serious untreated mental health issues, and I told myself that if he said things like that, it was only because he’s sick. But the more time goes by, the more I’m afraid I might have behaved badly without realizing it

I can’t figure out if it’s my fault because he has very, very strong reactions to little things, but on the other hand, I don’t want to be one of those people who are incapable of self-reflection and who always blame others.

And honestly, I have fewer feelings for him now, but my guilt is really what’s holding me back because I’m very, very anxious and I can’t stand feeling morally wrong.

Sorry for the long post.

So my ex broke up with me six months ago (it was really weird he used some strange excuses, like a dream, then came back and left again).

And during the breakup, he accused me of a lot of things (for the record, I think he has mental health issues maybe bpd or cptsd).

And honestly, I’m having a hard time getting past all those accusations, and I’m afraid I was the problem from the start. It all started because when he broke up with me for the second time via text, I got really upset (because he’d broken up with me 2 week before and then begged me to let him come back because I didn't want to

, promising not to leave me again ) and I got hysterical and said all sorts of things, telling him he deserved to be alone and begging him not to leave, that he’s the only one I have, and he flew into a rage because he was convinced I said those things to manipulate him with his abandonment issues. It went on for a really long time because he was still insulting me five weeks later.

He really blamed me for a lot of

For example, he accused me of really stupid things, like saying that if I cried when we broke up, it was only to try to manipulate him into coming back, and other even more messed-up stuff saying I was a rascist , I was flirting with other men during the relationship because I like attention claiming that during the relationship I would touch him inappropriately when he didn’t want me to, and that even though he was raped as a child, I didn’t give a damn because I just wanted to get turned on.

He also blamed me for a whole lot of other things, saying that all the problems stem from me, and honestly, I’m afraid he’s right because I understand where most of these accusations are coming from, and I’m afraid I didn’t handle the relationship properly

and that I’m just too self-centered to realize my faults. I’m really very anxious, and one of my phobias is being a bad person. A few months after the breakup, I sent him a very, very long message apologizing for everything he’d put up with. But despite that, I still feel guilty, especially because of the accusation of SA. I had always try to been respectful toward him, and I have no memory of ever doing anything like that, but if he told me that, it must mean he felt uncomfortable because of me. And no one understands my loved ones say I have nothing to blame myself for, but at the same time, they only have my side of the story.

It’s been six months now, and honestly, I have fewer feelings for him, but my guilt is really what’s keeping me from moving on.

I was told I’d be able to look back on it later, but honestly, during those six months except for the very beginning when I was upset I always concluded that it was probably me who started it all and that I’d pushed him too far, and I’m not really sure what to do. The only therapist I saw didn’t take me seriously and just told me to go work out and use Hinge to take my mind off things, and I feel stupid for going to a therapist just for a breakup when my parents have less money and my sister is struggling with a lot of trauma