u/Clinical-Ghost

I’m going to start with the fact that my memory is incredibly hazy and messed up so there will likely be a large amount of time gaps in my story, and any quotes are just what I interpreted of what they said, I can’t remember anything exact unless I state so.

First I’m going to start with my friends. I never fit in first grade to fourth grade, likely due to my autism, and when I finally found a group of friends in fifth grade I was desperate to keep them. Everything was fine til we hit middle school. Their personalities changed, which was fine, they were boys hitting puberty and it was expected (I’m afab for context). What wasn’t fine was the fact that they began to make sexual jokes about me. They would joke about sexual stuff, pressure me into “dirty truth or dare”, tell me weird gross stuff, and show me hentai. I didn’t like it, it made me uncomfortable but when I told them they dismissed it telling me it was just a joke and telling me to lighten up. I didn’t know any better so I assumed I was just being a bad friend and being too sensitive. But this repeated exposure caused me to become desensitized to this type of content which leads into what next happened.

Before I explain what happened I need to give some context, we had some very close family friends. Our moms grew up together, we were so close I called their parents my aunt and uncle, and I called them my brothers. We even lived with them for a time (maybe like 6 months?) when my family was moving. So the two brothers, we’ll call them O (older brother, older than me by 3 years) and A (younger than me by 1 year). I was in 6th grade, so I was 11. This wasn’t the first time something like this happened, I know it happened other times, I just can’t remember what happened, I just know it did. But we were upstairs in A’s room (door was open because it was parents rule) but parents were outside in the backyard. O had the idea that we should play “dirty truth or dare”. I told them that I didn’t want to but they didn’t take a no and pressured me into playing it. I don’t remember what led up to it but A ended up daring me to let O give me a “massage”.. I said no but O began reaching over towards my chest to which I pushed his hand away. He then started reaching down and I grabbed his hand with both of mine to stop him. He said “then you’re going to have to let me up here” and he grabbed my thigh to keep me sitting with one hand and touched me with the other. Under my clothing. For I can’t really tell how long but it felt like a very long time. Moving on. I don’t feel like telling these in specific stories as they happened very frequently. O used to “jokingly” try and hide his phone in a bathroom or room I was trying to change/ use the bathroom in to record me. He also tried to open the door, and even pick the lock to open it on me. He may have photos. I don’t know. And that sickens me. Another thing he did is he would “give me wedgies” but I’m only just now recently realizing that you don’t have to reach all the way down into someone’s pants under their underwear between their cheeks to give them a wedgie.. Another small thing is that whenever we would play truth or dare, or any other game somewhere, when we would leave they would say “what happens at __ stays at __” a specific example I can 100% remember that they would say about a vacation place we would go every summer together “what happens at -statepark- stays at -statepark-“

Some other things that scare me but don’t necessarily fit into the story are:

For as young as I can remember I would have, I’m not exactly sure how to describe it, maladaptive daydreams/ mental movies about HORRID things happening to me. Trafficking level type stuff. Even before I was exposed to that type of stuff. My parents were incredibly protective and Christian and I was so sheltered I believed in Santa Claus until 5th grade so I don’t know how I could have thought about that horrid stuff, and it scares me and makes me think something else may have happened.

The things I’ve told you about A and O I had trauma blocked and only remembered in 3 different pieces years apart, which causes me to fear that more bad stuff has happened that I’m just not remembering.

Also I have concerns that I may have very mild bodily damage due to something happening to me but I’m not exactly sure because I don’t know what’s the norm versus what’s something to be concerned about. I don’t have anyone I can really ask and I had a pretty big lack of sex ed.. (didn’t even know there was 3 holes)

If you can’t tell my relationship with my parents is ass. They knew about my abuse and sided with my abuser. Plus some other issues regarding me being trans and them being transphobic but that’s not relavent. Thankfully I move across the country for college soon and will never have to see these people for a long while. And yes CPS does no, and no they didn’t do shit. I suspect it’s because O’s dad is a police officer but idk, the system is shit anyways.

I never shared my story before because my parents would get mad at me for posting about anything bad related to them and would force me to take it down, but I’m tired of being silent and I’m praying to whatever god out there that they won’t find this account and see this. I just needed to be heard.

I feel weird about this and wanna know if anyone else can relate. I don’t want to pass as a cis guy. I want to pass as amab. Idc if people can tell I’m queer, idc if I’m androgynous, I don’t even care if people think I’m a poorly passing transfem. I just want people to assume I’m amab. :(

I want it to be obvious I’m some sort of queer, as while it can put me in danger due to where I’m from I just want other people like me to know they’re safe with me.

TW: Accusations of zoophilia/fetishes, and brief mention of trauma

I feel so disgusting. I posted a video on TT about how I feel gender affirmed as like a work dog and stuff like “toughen up, bare your teeth and be a man” and it makes me feel masculine and gender euphoric (aka forcemasc), and I specified in the description and in the comments that it was entirely sfw and just gender affirming to me” and someone felt the need to comment accusing me of “being a zoophile” and telling me to “stop using videos of dogs in your fetish videos”. I feel so horrid and disgusting. I’m ace and repulsed by that type of stuff due to trauma. Another one of our alters made that post, and I don’t wanna delete it since I know he feels really affirmed by it but I feel disgusting. I’m sick to my stomach and just don’t know what to do. I deleted that persons comments and the comments our headmate had left arguing with them but I still can’t shake this horrid feeling and what they said about us.

And I had posted a vent about this to another vent sub I’m on and they took it down for no reason and won’t tell me why. I was finally starting to feel better but now I just feel like shit again. I feel so disgusting, that must’ve been why they fucking took it down. I just want to bash my head into the wall.