u/Competitive-Ad-2965

My sister asked to go to brunch with my today and I'm not sure what exactly caused a shift, but it felt different.

Maybe it was the culmination of the therapy and medications she's been trying? Maybe I just said yes to more things than usual? But it was the first day ever that I felt like I had a normal sister relationship. Not like I was being held hostage at the table, or constantly having to placate. We just talked.

From the moment I got in the car we were discussing eachother's outfits and hair just so normal. No weird underlying tension. We gossiped about work, laughed so much when I accidentally spilled a drink, got lost on the way there and laughed it off. It felt equal, 50:50, not like this horrendous social seesaw I've felt for so long. I feel like I can breathe easier.

I know everyday won't be like this, but I didn't even know we were capable of having days like this before today. The laughing, the chatting, the normal sister shit. Using eachother's hairbrush and picking up birth control together. It felt so normal and nice. I got to feel goofy and lighthearted, not parentified. I got to make jokes and be silly. God it feels so good. Maybe I was some of the problem, bringing up heavy topics like mental health whenever I got the chance cause I was worried for her. I'll try to remember to be less confrontational in hopes I get some more days like today.

From calling me every few days threatening to off herself and telling me I'm a terrible person to this. It took years to have a day like this but it happened! Laughing over coffee and just talking about gripes in a casual fun way. Hoping I get more days like this and she keeps getting better, I've seen so many small improvements. Less splitting, hurtful words, etc in the past few months since she's been getting therapy and medication. She feels so much more reasonable each day, I hope she feels more peace too.

I hope all of you who post your struggles with your loved ones on here read this and can feel like there's hope for some good/great days. Hope for a good relationship.

I feel like I'm out of options. I have been lunged at/chased by offleash dogs in my apartment 3 times in the past year. Twice by the same dog on my floor. I've reported it to building management every time. They do nothing.

Today was the worst. I came home and looked down my hallway, there was just a large golden lab looking dog sitting in the middle of the hallway. No person in sight.

For some context I have a phobia of dogs after being attacked when I was younger, even if this was a Chihuahua I'd be terrified. Make fun of me all you want but it sucks and I have to deal with people not respecting this constantly, especially somewhere I'm supposed to feel safe. I tried to walk by the dog as calmly as possible to get to my apartment. As I walk past the dog it gets up and follows me to my door. I try to ignore it and open my door but it tries to go into my apartment. It won't stop shoving it's way in. It starts growling at me. I'm forced to back away from my own apartment back down the hall. Finally it loses interest in my apartment and I get around it fast enough to get in and close the door behind me. It's been an hour it's still out there and building management has yet again refused to intervene. I can't leave my apartment and I'm still crying and shaking. I'm literally trapped and now I'm going to be scared to leave and come back for at least the next week.

I've thought about calling bylaw/animal control but I don't want to get the dog in trouble, it's not their fault their owner sucks ass and even then I'm not sure they'd intervene because it's technically private property and the dog hasn't bitten anyone. But I don't want to wait until a kid gets hurt, someone gets bit and the dog pays the price. I may have a phobia of them but I want them to be treated well.

Is my only option to move? I've been here for years it's my home but I don't feel safe anymore. I feel like an idiot shaking and crying because of a golden retriever.

This is complicated ethically. I'm not sure there's a one right answer but I'd like to hear different perspectives.

TLDR: If you had family member with BPD but not explicitly extremely harmful behavior, would you attempt to communicate any information to a new partner of theirs before they get entangled in something they never agreed to/can't exit easily/might not be equipped to handle? If you were a partner of someone with BPD would you have appreciated a warning about some behaviours from a family member? Or is that overstepping?

TW mentions of suicide/suicidality

My twin sister has BPD and for most of my life I've served as her primary attachment. I was who she called when scared/suicidal/angry/upset. Stayed up soothing her more nights that I can count. Been called a terrible person a lot. I know the toll it takes on a person, I've had this responsibility essentially from the time we learned to speak onwards. I know her love is overwhelming and kind when it's there, enough to make a person fall fast and hard. She has issues with codependency. In the past I've seen when I've been less available or she has a new interest in a person it becomes intense quickly and can collapse just as fast. Because these have been relatively short/quick friendships it's been manageable until now, her anger redirected onto herself or the people around her because these people were 'too new' to lash out on.

Then she had her first relationship. And I watched as her texts and phonecalls gradually transitioned from me to him. I wanted to say something to her about being gentle with him and that she can still come to me, but that's not really how it works and every time I broached the subject she got angry and closed off more.

The worst was the night of her suicide attempt. They had a rough patch and seemed to break things off? This triggered to most concerning escalation in self harming/splitting behaviours I've seen from her. I had to rush over to my family home just hoping I made to her in time before she did something to herself. It took a while but we got going to the hospital on the table, however she refused to go without her boyfriend being there. He had just moved three hours away and it was the middle of the night. I had to call and beg. Being forced into the corner of doing that to somebody else made me really reconsider if I should have intervened earlier with him. Hanging your life over someone's head like that, it's wrong. I can't be mad at her either she wasn't in her right mind, but that doesn't make it okay.

Ultimately I'm glad he understood the gravity of the situation and made the drive, I'm not sure she would've gotten help if he didn't. But I couldn't help but think how much of a bind he was now in. That he hadn't asked for or had information about beforehand.

The worst part is, when their relationship started I was kind of enjoying the temporary 'relief' he provided of taking on some of the things she had always delegated to me. I don't know if I was just being selfish by letting things run their course and hoping she'd exempt him from the worst moments. Or if I was doing the right thing by respecting their ability to communicate as adults and her privacy.

Overall she is a person in more pain that I can understand, and I'm glad she's alive. She doesn't want to hurt people, but she's also not completely psychologically ready to confront her subconscious reactions that cause harm. Such as the lashing out verbally and getting angry over miniscule things. She's not quite as extreme as some of the cases I see on here, she's not violent and has worked on her moments of being hurtful to others when angry. But it's the long term co-dependant connection that I worry does the most damage. She's just friends with this boyfriend now, but I worry about the next one, the next really close friend, and the potential trauma/rapid introduction to extreme mental illness they might experience.

She's my sister that's a bond I can't break and I can accept responsibility for her health, but a partner people should have every right to walk away without holding someone's safety/life in their hands. I did my best to mitigate the any damage after the incident with her last boyfriend, paid him gas money and checked in with him as often as possible. But I feel guilt, maybe it's because he'd been experiencing something for months that I know is difficult to explain to others, but I knew how he felt. I just chose to hope things were going differently.

In the future I don't think I'd ever tell someone her diagnosis, that feels like a real breach of her privacy. But I do feel like I should say something before she gets so attached that they become subject to the cycle of co-dependant/BPD behaviours. What do you think Reddit? What would you say if anything?

To provide some context, I am a twin sister. My twin sister has BPD likely brought on by an early traumatic event that I am aware of. Our whole life pretty much I've taken care of her and been her 'primary person'.

For majority of our lives she did not have a diagnosis and refused treatment until we reached adulthood. Now that she has a diagnosis and treatment things are a little better and part of my encouragement of her seeking help is that I attend therapy as well.

I told her for a long time I didn't want to attend therapy because of the can of worms it would open. Low and behold a few months into therapy my therapist has concluded that she is incredibly co-dependant and resurfaced a lot of the trauma she inflicted upon me. I kind of already knew of this and had been surpressing it but my therapist insists this is not okay.

I'm trying very hard to not bring this up but it's eating away at me. I've tried so hard to minimize it because I know words like abuse would scare her and shut her down. But I can't see it any other way anymore.

I'm having all these realizations about our relationship but I can't bring them up to her for fear of causing an episode. I love her so much, and she's going off her tranquilizing medication so things are already a little more dangerous right now. But I don't know how to speak to her without letting the anger and bitterness seep through. I want to just have a straightforward conversation but she doesn't allow that. It always ends in screaming, crying, name calling, and age regression.

I want to know from the perspective of those who may be on another end of a dynamic like this. Is there a way to have this kind of conversation that won't hurt her so much or damage our relationship?

Her feeling safe to talk to me and trusting me is a matter of her safety and life/death. I can't damage that, but it's killing me keeping all this inside, caring for, funding, housing, comforting a person who left so many scars on me, and doesn't seem to see me as a real person sometimes. The hard part is I know she almost always means well. She doesn't want to hurt anyone. She's just in pain.

TLDR: If the person you relied on most had to have a conversation with you about how they've been impacted by certain behaviour. How would you prefer they do it? Is there a way to do it without damaging the relationship?