u/ContributionSoft8344

I walked around so sure of myself for years. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life.

“That drag phase in middle school? No we don’t talk about that. lol was funny tho”

God what a crazy amount of internalized transphobia. Never outwardly- I love trans people and am close with many. Only I so desperately didn’t think it could be me.
Is this ego-death? God I looked like a know it all loser and now the idea of coming out and admitting that I didn’t know exactly who I was. Fuck.

if it weren’t for the conditions of the state I grew up in I would’ve flourished and probably been fully myself before High School started.
My family is the most woke supportive people ever and I’m terrified of having to tell them and come out.

They’ve probably always known idek
Why am I embarrassed about being trans?Everything ive ever done I took it with full confidence
Why can’t I admit to others that I wasn’t perfect

When I recently came to the conclusion I could be trans (for the third time since consciousness) last week- exploration was not an option. It was necessary. I now have girl clothes, painted nails, and yesterday I left the house with makeup on??! Only my second time trying makeup btw.

Yesterday and today I took hundreds of photos of myself with the makeup on. Posing, dressed up. Actually hundreds. And I love how I look & feel in 90% of them. Looking at some just before bed now I almost cried.

I never thought I had any dysphoria. At all. That’s a big reason why I repressed these feelings. But after experiencing what is quite possibly gender euphoria or just the joy of gender expression or exploring femininity whatever it may be. I’ve suddenly become dysphoric about certain things.

I shaved my hands in the shower. And now I’m considering shaving all my body hair.
I looked at old photos of myself and felt completely separate from the man sporting that terrible pube-like goatee. At the time the beard was fun, did it look silly some days? Sure. Did I particularly enjoy my looks? Sometimes. I knew other people found me attractive and I didn’t hate the person in the mirror. At times I really liked my reflection. But I thought everyone was a little insecure.

But NOW I’m analyzing my stubble wondering if it looks too masc near my makeup??! And it’s all happening so fast I don’t wanna over identify and assume what I’m feeling is dysphoria and not just a new-found appreciation for gender-inclusive aesthetic with regret for previous fashion choices.

Idk really what I’m getting at other than is Post-Euphoria Dysphoria a thing? And does this sound like that or do you think I just prefer feeling pretty and I regret my choice in facial hair?

It's always been there. So many obvious signs all through childhood. I would throw a fit when I had to get my haircut/buzzed. I walked down the hallway of my home as though it were a runway in my mom's heels. I think I even tried on her bra at one point. I threw dance parties & played dolls with the girls next door.

Going into middle school my parents were worried about me cause my grades were declining and I was hanging out with the emos. I had a single therapy session and to avoid getting into anything serious all I told him was "I'm a girl." I laughed, it was supposed to be a joke. "Wouldn't it be silly if I pretended to be a girl?" I had thought to myself.

I invented a drag persona halfway through middle school, all I had was one feminine cut t-shirt because my mom bought the wrong size and had given it to me. But it was enough. It made people laugh. Not in a bullying manner per se, it was weird. I liked seeing people happy. Most of my classmates genuinely were chill with this. And I liked this 'character'. I had a new name in class when the teachers accepted it. I began painting my nails with the girls at lunch.

My father caught on (you cant hide nail polish easily) and was worried I would be ostracized if I kept this up. One day while dropping me off he said, "Look that kid is laughing at you!"

The kid wasn't. He was smiling and saying hello. We're still friends.

I think my dad threw out the t-shirt. My parents are rather woke overall- my father was just concerned. We do live pretty far south, I don't blame or resent the possible reasoning behind his actions.
There's never been any dysphoria, I was fine as a dude. I moved on.

After 8th grade I changed schools. I lost my virginity to a girl and from that point on I considered myself a cis-het male. There were some occasions in high school that came close to knocking this idea out of place but I became stubborn. "I enjoy relationships with women, I'm a good looking dude, I want the nuclear family archetype."

I was fine as a dude.

I had a few immediate family members come out as transgender. I didn't envy that. It looked hard.

3 years ago I began questioning again. I cut my own hair a particular way, I cut some shirts into crop-tops. I kept shorts that I was growing out of and wore them pretty high. All privately. Sometimes taking photos of myself. Started choosing the feminine options in video games, simple stuff like that. Just testing the waters and then returning to 'the real world'.

I gained a lot of muscle and a bit of weight and the crop-tops and shorts no longer fit. I forgot about it, threw out the idea.

Last fall I bought a pair of leggings. "They're just comfortable, they're just pajamas, athletes wear compression pants."

Last night I put on nail polish & today I went to the store and bought two skirts.

In the dressing room there was joy & butterflies in my stomach. And right now, as I'm wearing it at home behind my desk.

I don't know if I'm a girl. I very well could be. That idea does generate some content.

All I do know is I feel really happy wearing articles of clothing and engaging in the aesthetics typically advertised to people that do not look like me. But I do not know if that is enough to make me want to change how I present to the world.

Thank you for reading. I just wanted to type it out so I don't have the option of ignoring it anymore.

It's always been there. So many obvious signs all through childhood. I would throw a fit when I had to get my haircut/buzzed. I walked down the hallway of my home as though it were a runway in my mom's heels. I think I even tried on her bra at one point. I threw dance parties & played dolls with the girls next door.

Going into middle school my parents were worried about me cause my grades were declining and I was hanging out with the emos. I had a single therapy session and to avoid getting into anything serious all I told him was "I'm a girl." I laughed, it was supposed to be a joke. "Wouldn't it be silly if I pretended to be a girl?" I had thought to myself.

I invented a drag persona halfway through middle school, all I had was one feminine cut t-shirt because my mom bought the wrong size and had given it to me. But it was enough. It made people laugh. Not in a bullying manner per se, it was weird. I liked seeing people happy. Most of my classmates genuinely were chill with this. And I liked this 'character'. I had a new name in class when the teachers accepted it. I began painting my nails with the girls at lunch.

My father caught on (you cant hide nail polish easily) and was worried I would be ostracized if I kept this up. One day while dropping me off he said, "Look that kid is laughing at you!"

The kid wasn't. He was smiling and saying hello. We're still friends.

I think my dad threw out the t-shirt. My parents are rather woke overall- my father was just concerned. We do live pretty far south, I don't blame or resent the possible reasoning behind his actions.
There's never been any dysphoria, I was fine as a dude. I moved on.

After 8th grade I changed schools. I lost my virginity to a girl and from that point on I considered myself a cis-het male. There were some occasions in high school that came close to knocking this idea out of place but I became stubborn. "I enjoy relationships with women, I'm a good looking dude, I want the nuclear family archetype."

I was fine as a dude.

I had a few immediate family members come out as transgender. I didn't envy that. It looked hard.

3 years ago I began questioning again. I cut my own hair a particular way, I cut some shirts into crop-tops. I kept shorts that I was growing out of and wore them pretty high. All privately. Sometimes taking photos of myself. Started choosing the feminine options in video games, simple stuff like that. Just testing the waters and then returning to 'the real world'.

I gained a lot of muscle and a bit of weight and the crop-tops and shorts no longer fit. I forgot about it, threw out the idea.

Last fall I bought a pair of leggings. "They're just comfortable, they're just pajamas, athletes wear compression pants."

Last night I put on nail polish & today I went to the store and bought two skirts.

In the dressing room there was joy & butterflies in my stomach. And right now, as I'm wearing it at home behind my desk.

I don't know if I'm a girl. I very well could be. That idea does generate some content.

All I do know is I feel really happy wearing articles of clothing and engaging in the aesthetics typically advertised to people that do not look like me. But I do not know if that is enough to make me want to change how I present to the world.

Thank you for reading. I just wanted to type it out so I don't have the option of ignoring it anymore.

I want to use blender to create a piece of art every single day. But I don't want to use any prefabs or do any kitbashing (hdris or textures are fine). But I only have about an hour & a half to fit this within my schedule. I guess what I'm asking for is if anyone has a YouTube playlist of tutorials that would only take an amateur user about an hour to follow & execute something cool. Ideally expanding my skillset and not using the same tricks every day because of course that wouldn't really be learning anything and negate any real productivity out of the challenge.