u/Correct-Tea-5594

I mentioned it before but I want to go more in depth this time on why I feel this way.

A lot of my feelings stem from me constantly thinking about my mistakes and honestly obsessing over it when it honestly doesn’t matter.

And it’s mostly about my fuck ups with other people even if it wasn’t a big deal and people are generally forgiving because mistakes happen and people have bad days. But I feel like a bitch anyways because people think I am one probably.

And it’s also my own anxiety about wanting to do good and impress people.

Because while getting kudos feels good even with critiques, it does sadly come at the price of me feeling like I have to work constantly and push so that I’m not disappointing people and obsessing over improvement and constantly working because not working feels lazy.

I am trying to get over this mindset but it’s hard. It’s really fucking hard.

I often think about times I was an asshole to people or made people upset without meaning to and I can’t forgive myself even when others have forgiven me, didn’t care, or didn’t think it was a big deal when I apologize.

I want to be a good and likeable person and I hate when I can’t do that and it honestly makes me want to kill myself sometimes because it proves that I’m a bad person who deserves nothing and I should die alone.

It doesn’t matter to me that people are understanding, I still hate myself for being a horrible person all the time because all I do is upset people even when I’m trying to be good and nice.

I’m autistic and adhd and it’s a curse sometimes because it’s isolating because I can’t say or do anything right without making everyone hate me.

I definitely have confidence issues for. A lot of stuff.

And it’s not like I’m BAD bad. Just kinda somewhere in between based on responses I got either giving full praise (I even got told my work looks professional which is a lot for someone like me who is self taught and honestly not that good) or praise with a side of constructive criticism.

But then it feels like there’s an expectation to meet because I’ll feel like I’m disappointing people if I am not productive and getting better. Granted, it’s an expectation I’m putting on myself and no one is making me, but I know I shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself and beat myself up when I mess up or not meet my self imposed expectations.

Is this a problem for everyone else?

I have just been feeling down about some stuff. Whether it’s my own personal hang ups about my art or me as a person, or my anxieties about what’s going own here in America with the fact the world is run by actual supervillains.

I’m mostly just talking bc it helps and no one has to say anything.

Ik this probably doesn’t matter that much but I am feeling a little self conscious about how, different, my style is compared to most superhero media.

Granted, stylized comics and shows exist, but I guess I’m a little self conscious about mine being a bit atypical compared to most due to it being. Kinda cutesy for a superhero project (and also my horror comedy project in the same universe).

Of course my art has flaws that I’m working on, but I’m a little worried that the art in general is probably not appealing for looking too cute, especially since some of the content is a little dark, and that people won’t take it seriously because it looks too cute and silly.

Idk, I’m probably putting too much thought into something that nobody cares THAT much about.

Is this a reasonable thing for me to worry about?

My personal rule is a bit contradictory with my struggle.

I try not to make characters look too similar if I can help it, but I have trouble with (mainly average sized characters bc it’s not as much of an issue with plus sized characters) traits overlapping because I have a consistent style as people have said (not negatively or anything, if anything people have said it’s a good thing that I am consistent and there seems to be enough diversity between body types for it not to be a huge issue.)

It doesn’t bother me THAT much since I do try to add some distinctions like nose shapes, eye shapes, lips, hair, stuff like that and it’s not TOO noticeable based on what people said, but know that I’m trying dammit!

Also I suck at drawing men lowkey because I tend to draw women more (not for like, sexist reasons, women are just more fun.) Again, not something that seriously bothers me, I just think it’s funny.

I probably asked before and forgot, but who cares?

I was originally going to go to a community college back in 2021 but due to Covid and severe autistic burnout from high school, it didn’t work out.

Sometimes I think about college and kinda romanticize it. But then my own doubts and what ifs cause me to get cold feet about the idea.

My main anxieties are “what if I fail? What if I succeed but burn out worse? What if it becomes too much and I either drop out or kill myself? What if I struggle to live on my own without help?”

Yeah, the common theme is regarding my mental health about it and how my disabilities could impact it.

Plus, I feel too old for college (ik 23 isn’t old but most of my friends went when they were 18 and it would be embarrassing to go to college at the typical graduation age for college students).

There is also the whole “student debt” thing and I’m unemployed due to disability and I don’t want my parents to pay for it as much as they insist they should.

And while I could do online classes, I prefer the structure of an actual classroom because being at home full of things that are more enjoyable than class would make focus hard.

I’m probably in my head too much about it because unfortunately I have a very overprotective (and lowkey abusive sometimes) mom who keeps getting in my head about how I have to do everything on my own and how I’m gonna struggle without her help (and then wonders why I have anxiety).

Idk, is this even worth it or is it possible for me to get by without college?

Something I think about a lot and something I struggle with is that I constantly worry about what people think or how I am seen (yes I have an anxiety disorder). And it can make art and posting a bit challenging especially due to my perfectionism and tendency to put an insane amount of pressure on myself when it comes to my art and even me as a person because image is kind of everything online sometimes and pieces of art that I’m not proud of or my own flaws make me die a little on the inside.

Another thing I struggle with is tying my self worth to how people perceive me and my own work and it’s hard to try and make things for myself without thinking of how people are looking at me and what I make and wanting approval and connection (yes I have trauma relating to not having a lot of friends as a child due to neurodivergence along with shitty parents and needing to perform so people like me which resulted in me being a people pleaser and constantly treating mistakes I make or my own flaws like its proof that I’m unlikeable and a failure who deserves loneliness or something because I feel exposed and embarrassed.)

How do I get over the spotlight effect and constantly feeling embarrassed about everything on top of the issues I mentioned?