u/Delightful_String613

I recently read a post about a similar experience, and it brought back triggering memories.

For the longest time I actually blamed myself. Through college and PhD and writing books and failed relationships, I never stopped blaming myself even at 36. I thought maybe I was dirty, or somehow encouraged it, or that if I had just taken better care of myself she wouldn’t have needed to do those things. And most shame is associated because of liking some parts of those experiences and as an adult trying to reclaim some of that desire as my own is most difficult and I haven’t found a safe space yet to explore it fully.

I was sent to live with my godmother (my mother's sister) when I was in fifth grade. I was a shy, sad kid dealing with what had happened between my parents. I trusted her because she was family, and I honestly didn't know what healthy boundaries between an adult and a child were supposed to look like. My mother never cared for me so all that attention felt this is perhaps what guardians do? because at the time I didn't think I was being groomed. I thought I was being taken care of.

At first, it was presented as hygiene. When I came home from school, she would ask me to take off my clothes. She told me I wasn't cleaning myself properly and she would ask me to turn around and move this and the way and probe me. It became a regular inspection routine and she decided that I needed to regularly shower with her so she could show me how to do it properly. She was completely comfortable being naked around me. She made everything feel casual and playful, like there was nothing unusual about it. It led to more probing and inspecting and “care”. the moisturizing and massages to get my arms and legs stronger.

Eventually they became almost daily, sometimes more than once a day. She would examine me intimately and tell me it was part of taking care of me. When she had been drinking, it could go on for a long time. I remember being told off and sometimes spanked for moving or not staying still. her becoming frustrated and angry when I reacted or tried to find excuses.

It all went further, into things I still don't feel able to describe. And this is where I've struggled it being all gray because I liked parts of what was happening and I cant deny sometimes I would ask for it voluntarily and in my own pathetic ways would plead for it too. I’ve carried an enormous amount of shame about that. For years, I thought that if my body responded, if I sometimes wanted the attention, or if some part of me enjoyed the experience, then I must have wanted it. I thought a real victim would have fought, screamed, hated every second of it, or known immediately that something was wrong. I was 11.

there’s so much sadness for our younger selves, but also deep loneliness and pain for what happened despite years of therapy. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I've been in therapy for years, but I still haven't found a safe way to understand all of this. I'm also grieving a breakup right now, and that feeling of not being enough has brought a lot of old memories to the surface. I think rejection has a way of triggering strange emotions as I'm back to wondering why I was so desperate for affection as a child, why attention became so tangled up with intimacy for me, and why I still feel ashamed of wanting to be wanted.

Good morning! I’ve always liked the kind of friendship where you can start talking about something completely ordinary and, an hour later, find yourselves somewhere neither of you expected. A book, a walk, a piece of music, a strange memory, something you noticed on the train.

I’m drawn to people who are curious about the world and still have a sense of humour about themselves.

Some things I’ve loved: The Master and Margarita, In Rainbows, Stalker, Waiting for Godot, Sufjan Stevens, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Before Sunrise. Seven fairly different things, I know. Maybe they say something about me, maybe they don’t. I like hearing what other people keep coming back to, though. There’s usually a story there.

I’m interested in mindfulness, philosophy, psychology, literature, music, and the little details of everyday life that are easy to miss. I like long conversations, quiet places, wandering around a city with no particular destination, and the occasional completely ridiculous conversation that makes you laugh until you can’t remember how you got there.

these days I’d rather meet a someone interesting than try to know everyone. If you’re thoughtful, curious, a little unconventional, and enjoy conversations that actually go somewhere, feel free to message me. Tell me about something you’ve read, heard, watched, or thought about recently that stayed with you.

I've watched more people leave my life than enter it, especially over the past decade.

Between completing a PhD and seeing friends build new lives through marriage, parenthood, and different priorities, life has naturally pulled us in separate directions.

I'm genuinely happy for them, but I miss the kind of conversations that drift into the honest, unexpected, and deeply meaningful.

I'm hoping to meet someone who's naturally curious, emotionally mature, and comfortable exploring the topics most people avoid.
Whether it's unpopular opinions, moral dilemmas, unusual questions, or vulnerable thoughts, I value conversations rooted in openness rather than judgment.

I'm drawn to literature, psychology, films, and music that continue to stay with you long after they're finished.

If you enjoy talking about identity, relationships, creativity, consciousness, grief, or the beautifully complicated experience of being human, I think we'd get along well.

If this resonates with you, send me a DM and tell me a little about yourself and what's been occupying your thoughts lately.

I've watched more people leave my life than enter it, especially over the past decade.

Between completing a PhD and seeing friends build new lives through marriage, parenthood, and different priorities, life has naturally pulled us in separate directions.

I'm genuinely happy for them, but I miss the kind of conversations that drift into the honest, unexpected, and deeply meaningful.

I'm hoping to meet someone who's naturally curious, emotionally mature, and comfortable exploring the topics most people avoid.
Whether it's unpopular opinions, moral dilemmas, unusual questions, or vulnerable thoughts, I value conversations rooted in openness rather than judgment.

I'm drawn to literature, psychology, films, and music that continue to stay with you long after they're finished.

If you enjoy talking about identity, relationships, creativity, consciousness, grief, or the beautifully complicated experience of being human, I think we'd get along well.

If this resonates with you, send me a DM and tell me a little about yourself and what's been occupying your thoughts lately.

I’ve lost more people than I gathered in my life and specially in past decade.. A PhD, friends drifting into new chapters, marriages, kids... I'm genuinely happy for them, but I miss having the kind of conversations that wander into the strange, honest, and meaningful.

I'm hoping to meet someone who's curious, emotionally mature, and unafraid to talk about the things people usually keep to themselves unpopular opinions, moral dilemmas, weird questions, or vulnerable thoughts. No judgment, just openness, empathy, and genuine curiosity.

I love literature, psychology, films, and music that linger long after they're over. If you enjoy talking about identity, relationships, creativity, consciousness, grief, or the wonderfully messy experience of being human, we'll probably get along.

If this resonates with you, send me a DM. Tell me a little about yourself and what you've been thinking about lately.

If you've survived a PhD, you'll understand that it costs you a limb to keep your friendships alive. A lot of good friends drifted away that way. Now most people around my age are happily married, raising children, and immersed in a different chapter of life. I'm genuinely happy for them, but it also means it's become surprisingly difficult to find people who still have the time or the curiosity for long, meaningful conversations.

I'm looking for someone who enjoys venturing beyond the safe topics. Someone mature, emotionally intelligent, and genuinely openminded. Someone who isn't afraid to admit her unpopular opinions, strange questions, moral dilemmas, or taboo thoughts without worrying they'll immediately be judged. Someone willing to explore uncomfortable territory with curiosity instead of outrage. I'd love to build a friendship of shared honesty. empathy and vulnerability.

I'm deeply interested in literature, psychology, and understanding what makes people who they are. If your bookshelf includes The Brothers Karamazov, The Bell Jar, or House of Leaves; if your playlists drift from Agnes Obel and Sade to Radiohead or Portishead; if films like Synecdoche, New York or Mulholland Drive stay with you long after the credits roll; or if writers like Joan Didion and Michel Foucault have ever changed how you see the world, we'll probably have plenty to talk about. I love conversations about identity, relationships, consciousness, creativity, grief, absurdity, and the beautifully messy experience of being human.

If any of this resonates, please write me a DM with what interests you and a little bit of introduction.

If you've survived a PhD, you'll understand that it costs you a limb to keep your friendships alive. Ive focused too hard on academic success that most friends drifted away. Now most people around my age are happily married, raising children, and immersed in a different chapter of life. I'm genuinely happy for them, but it also means it's become surprisingly difficult to find people who still have the time or the curiosity for long, meaningful conversations.

I'm looking for someone who enjoys venturing beyond the safe topics. Someone mature, emotionally intelligent, and genuinely openminded. Someone who isn't afraid to admit her unpopular opinions, strange questions, moral dilemmas, or taboo thoughts without worrying they'll immediately be judged. Someone willing to explore uncomfortable territory with curiosity instead of outrage. I'd love to build a friendship of shared honesty. empathy and vulnerability.

I'm deeply interested in literature, psychology, and understanding what makes people who they are. If your bookshelf includes The Brothers Karamazov, The Bell Jar, or House of Leaves; if your playlists drift from Agnes Obel and Sade to Radiohead or Portishead; if films like Synecdoche, New York or Mulholland Drive stay with you long after the credits roll; or if writers like Joan Didion and Michel Foucault have ever changed how you see the world, we'll probably have plenty to talk about. I love conversations about identity, relationships, consciousness, creativity, grief, absurdity, and the beautifully messy experience of being human.

If any of this resonates, please write me a DM with what interests you and a little bit of introduction.

My most days are fairly simple. I enjoy my work as an academic, go out for run in morning and long walk in evenings, intentional self care as I cook, read, listen to music, and spend more time than I probably should in museums, bookstores, or art festivals across Europe.

I've always been drawn to psychology and philosophy, mostly because I'm interested in people how we become who we are, what shapes us, and what helps us grow. Life has given me enough reasons to ask those questions for myself too.
Over the years I've found myself caring less about collecting things and more about creating a life that feels calm and meaningful. A home that's pleasant to return to. Good conversations. Music worth sitting down for. Objects with character that are made well and kept for years. I appreciate beauty, but more than that, I appreciate the feeling that comes from living with intention.

I'm hoping to meet someone open-minded and mature, someone who has seen a bit of life and carries her own stories, yet still has the curiosity and openness to experience it fully. Someone who can appreciate the depth that comes with experience while still leaving room for wonder, spontaneity, and the unexpected moments that make life feel alive. I would love to meet you with honesty and enjoy each other's presence while allowing something meaningful to unfold naturally.

If you're someone with a kind heart, an open mind, and your own inner world, I'd like to meet you. Send me a DM with something that tells me a little about you.

My most days are fairly simple. I enjoy my work as an academic, go out for run in morning and long walk in evenings, intentional self care as I cook, read, listen to music, and spend more time than I probably should in museums, bookstores, or art festivals across Europe.

I've always been drawn to psychology and philosophy, mostly because I'm interested in people how we become who we are, what shapes us, and what helps us grow. Life has given me enough reasons to ask those questions for myself too.
Over the years I've found myself caring less about collecting things and more about creating a life that feels calm and meaningful. A home that's pleasant to return to. Good conversations. Music worth sitting down for. Objects with character that are made well and kept for years. I appreciate beauty, but more than that, I appreciate the feeling that comes from living with intention.

I'm hoping to meet someone open-minded and mature, someone who has seen a bit of life and carries her own stories, yet still has the curiosity and openness to experience it fully. Someone who can appreciate the depth that comes with experience while still leaving room for wonder, spontaneity, and the unexpected moments that make life feel alive. I would love to meet you with honesty and enjoy each other's presence while allowing something meaningful to unfold naturally.

If you're someone with a kind heart, an open mind, and your own inner world, I'd like to meet you. Send me a DM with something that tells me a little about you.

Most days are fairly simple. I enjoy my work as an academic, go out for run in morning and long walk in evenings, intentional self care as I cook, read, listen to music, and spend more time than I probably should in museums, bookstores, or art festivals across Europe.

I've always been drawn to psychology and philosophy, mostly because I'm interested in people how we become who we are, what shapes us, and what helps us grow. Life has given me enough reasons to ask those questions for myself too.
Over the years I've found myself caring less about collecting things and more about creating a life that feels calm and meaningful. A home that's pleasant to return to. Good conversations. Music worth sitting down for. Objects with character that are made well and kept for years. I appreciate beauty, but more than that, I appreciate the feeling that comes from living with intention.

I'm hoping to meet someone open-minded and mature, someone who has seen a bit of life and carries her own stories, yet still has the curiosity and openness to experience it fully. Someone who can appreciate the depth that comes with experience while still leaving room for wonder, spontaneity, and the unexpected moments that make life feel alive. I would love to meet you with honesty and enjoy each other's presence while allowing something meaningful to unfold naturally.

If you're someone with a kind heart, an open mind, and your own inner world, I'd like to meet you. Send me a DM with something that tells me a little about you.

I feel conflicted and incredibly lonely even writing this because the truth is, my (36M) girlfriend (32F) was there for me when almost nobody else was.

A while ago I had a partial paralysis and spent nine days in the hospital. I was scared, vulnerable, and completely alone. She showed up every day. She supported me, sat with me, advocated for me, and made sure I wasn't facing it by myself. I'll always be grateful for what she did during those nine days.
But something happened during that time that I still can't shake.

She became very interested in my doctor. She kept wanting to speak with him because she had "questions" about my care, and she ended up seeing him almost every day. At the time I didn't think anything of it. I trusted her, and I appreciated that she was looking out for me.

Later accidentally I found messages between her and a friend where she admitted she had a huge crush on him. They were joking about how attractive he was, and she even wrote that seeing him made her "feel wild” and she can’t wait to see him next morning. This was an extremely difficult day for me when I had fainted due to a test to draw spinal fluids from my back.

Maybe that's harmless to some people. Maybe everyone develops random crushes. But this one affected me differently. It wasn’t like how we banter on having crush on celebrities which I would have joined in humoring her but it felt deeply painful and humiliating.

That doctor saw me at one of the lowest points of my life. He saw me when I was weak, frightened, and unsure if my body would recover. That period feels deeply personal to me. Reading her messages made me feel exposed, almost like one of the most vulnerable moments of my life had become the backdrop for someone else's fantasy and an inside joke.

I know my own history probably affects how I process things. I experienced childhood sexual abuse, and I spent most of my life learning to survive without feeling protected by anyone. Vulnerability has never been easy for me, so maybe this touched something much older than what actually happened.

When I brought it up, she said I was overreacting and that it didn't mean anything because it was just a crush.

Maybe she's right. I don't want to erase everything she did for me or ignore the fact that she was the one person who stayed by my side when I needed someone.

At the same time, I can't pretend those messages didn't hurt. I don't know how to reconcile feeling deeply cared for by someone while also feeling humiliated by something she did.

I feel conflicted even writing this because the truth is, my (36m) girlfriend (32f) was there for me when almost nobody else was.

A while ago I had a partial paralysis and spent nine days in the hospital. I was scared, vulnerable, and completely alone. She showed up every day. She supported me, sat with me, advocated for me, and made sure I wasn't facing it by myself. I'll always be grateful for what she did during those nine days.
But something happened during that time that I still can't shake.

She became very interested in my doctor. She kept wanting to speak with him because she had "questions" about my care, and she ended up seeing him almost every day. At the time I didn't think anything of it. I trusted her, and I appreciated that she was looking out for me.

Later accidentally I found messages between her and a friend where she admitted she had a huge crush on him. They were joking about how attractive he was, and she even wrote that seeing him made her "feel wild” and she can’t wait to see him next morning. This was an extremely difficult day for me when I had fainted due to a test to draw spinal fluids from my back.

Maybe that's harmless to some people. Maybe everyone develops random crushes. But this one affected me differently. It wasn’t like how we banter on having crush on celebrities which I would have joined in humoring her but it felt deeply painful and humiliating.

That doctor saw me at one of the lowest points of my life. He saw me when I was weak, frightened, and unsure if my body would recover. That period feels deeply personal to me. Reading her messages made me feel exposed, almost like one of the most vulnerable moments of my life had become the backdrop for someone else's fantasy and an inside joke.

I know my own history probably affects how I process things. I experienced childhood sexual abuse, and I spent most of my life learning to survive without feeling protected by anyone. Vulnerability has never been easy for me, so maybe this touched something much older than what actually happened.

When I brought it up, she said I was overreacting and that it didn't mean anything because it was just a crush.

Maybe she's right. I don't want to erase everything she did for me or ignore the fact that she was the one person who stayed by my side when I needed someone.

At the same time, I can't pretend those messages didn't hurt. I don't know how to reconcile feeling deeply cared for by someone while also feeling humiliated by something they

I feel conflicted even writing this because the truth is, my (36M) girlfriend (32f) was there for me when almost nobody else was when I had a partial paralysis. I was in hospital for 9 days, scared, vulnerable, and completely alone. She showed up. She supported me. She sat with me when I had no one else. I will always be grateful for that.

But during that time, something happened that I can’t get out of my head.

She became very interested in my doctor. She would insist on meeting him because she had “questions” about my care, and while I was in hospital she ended up seeing him almost every day. At the time I thought nothing of it because I trusted her and I appreciated that she was advocating for me.

Later accidentally I found messages between her and a friend where she admitted she had a huge crush on him. They were joking about how attractive he was, and she even wrote that seeing him made her "feel wild” and she can’t wait to see him next morning. This was an extremely difficult day for me when I had fainted due to a test to draw spinal fluids from my back.

My doctor was someone who saw me at my lowest point. He saw the side of me that almost nobody sees. He was part of a time when I was physically and emotionally vulnerable. Seeing my girlfriend talk about him that way made me feel exposed, almost like something sacred about that period of my life had been turned into a private joke. She said he makes her feel wild every time she sees him.

I also have a lot of history that probably affects how I process things. I experienced CSA as a child and spent most of my life learning to survive alone. I’m used to people not protecting me, not understanding me, or making me feel ashamed when I finally open up. So I don’t know if I’m reacting to what happened now or to everything that came before it.

When I brought it up, she said I was overreacting and that it meant nothing. Maybe she’s right. I don’t want to punish someone who was genuinely there for me when I needed support the most.

But I also can’t ignore how it made me feel.
I’m grateful for everything she did for me in those 9 days. I really am. I just don’t know how to reconcile being cared for so deeply by someone and also feeling hurt and humiliated by something she did.