u/DonerTheBonerDonor

Asking because I want to remove a tattoo one day that the artist applied two layers of ink into right away. It's still spotty in lots of areas so I'm hoping he didn't put the ink in very deep

Also, a tiny bit of the tattoo is scarred. Does that make it way more difficult to remove?

Until March 14th of this year, I was kind of happy but still depressed. I suffer from low self-esteem, ADHD (probably), smoked weed 24/7 to suppress my sad thoughts and often thought badly about life.

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From March 14th to May 5th, I was finally the happiest I've ever been. After taking some ketamine because I was feeling down, I had one of the most beautiful nights of my life and realized that life is absolutely beautiful. I cried tears of joy for the first time ever. There's so many beautiful things to discover and I just need to work on myself. I stopped blaming others for my problems, stopped smoking weed and finally let my thoughts come through and started working on them. I realized so, so many things. I already had 2 years of therapy behind me but didn't properly use what I had learned. But I managed to do it. I finally became way more social and confident than every before, laughed as much and as hard as ever before, stopped spending time in my room and was around friends 24/7. I was so active and happy. Didn't slow down once. I got way too many friends in a short amount of time but I loved it. On May 1st, I met an absolutely amazing woman, we spent a beautiful night and I kinda fell in love with her immediately. She's so positive, so realistic, so kind. But she lives 4h away from me.

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On May 5th, I got a tattoo. A bad one. In my eyes. Everyone around me said it looks cool but I hate it. It's very big on my forearm and spells out TDW IND, an abbreviation for my favorite song (The Dream Where I Never Died by Phuture Noize). I got it somewhat spontaneously. Had the idea for like 2 months and it spiraled. First I wanted it rather small, then I wanted it big, then I wanted it in the hard-to-read font of the album cover. A friend of mine, who I often was a bit jealous of, told me to think of better tattoo placement or to come up with an image for the tattoo instead. I didn't listen. I was too convinced of myself and wanted the tattoo that way. But I accidentally AI generated an example image of the tattoo on a forearm and sent that to the tattoo artist and I got that tattooed instead of the actual album cover font. I thought the AI generated image took the font perfectly but it didn't.

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Ever since I haven't been the same. I suffer from insane shame and what people think of me. The panic set in the second I looked at my arm and realized the font is wrong. Then I realized that you can't even read the W, it looks like an M. Then I realized people will FOREVER ask me what it means. Then I realized that I wanted it smaller and on a different, hidden body part. Then I realized that I'm an idiot.

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From that day on, I spiraled so hard into the tattoo. I couldn't sleep for more than 1-2 hours per night. I spent every waking second regretting the tattoo and thinking of potential cover ups. Never talked to anyone about it except for one of my three roommates cause I was too ashamed of my tattoo and thought fake-it-til-you-make-it would be a good strategy. I spent every second wondering how I could've prevented it. I thought every scenario at least 50 times. I became the tattoo. Immediately got suicidal thoughts. Went to visit my parents so that I could hide from my friends (who saw my tattoo on Instagram already cause I posted it in my story) because I didn't want anyone to see my tattoo IRL. Worst mistake ever. I actually had an amazing day with another girl, who knew about my tattoo, and thought 'hey, this isn't that bad, life is good' but I was already mentally broken. I needed to prevent anyone from seeing my tattoo cause of shame.

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2 weeks after I got the tattoo, I called off sick from work cause it was pretty warm and I had to wear a tshirt and I didn't want anyone to see my tattoo. I wanted to die instead and sent my therapist a goodbye email while drinking and waiting at train tracks. I didn't do it. When I saw him 2 days later, he said I should get myself admitted, but I didn't do it. Big mistake. I still wondered about suicide the weeks after and was a paranoid, declining mess.

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I finally managed to walk around showing my tattoo and realized that absolutely no one asks me about it. Maybe like 2 people per week? The damage has been done anyway. I stopped listening to music cause of the tattoo. Stopped hanging out with friends. Stopped laughing. Became INSANELY socially anxious. Stopped everything. Everything is now a trauma. Music. Tattoos. Art. Font. Every beautiful day before May 5th. Oh well. I still regretted the tattoo.

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Then, on June 3rd, I hit the right side of my head with my fist very very hard. I did it the whole month before that, but not as hard as on June 3rd. Like 10 times with 70% force. I went to a festival and was kinda happy about it cause I overcame my social anxiety a bit. On June 4th, I went to visit the amazing girl from the beginning of my post. I was insanely anxious. I told her about my mental decline a week prior (didn't even tell her about my problem) and she was super supportive. Told me hey you'll pull through and maybe you'll become a different version of yourself but you can manage to make the best of it! So good. The 2 days we spent were alright, I was still super depressed and thought I was gonna die soon anyway so I felt close to no joy. And on June 6th I became very paranoid cause the left side of my body has become a bit numb. I then realized it was due to me hitting the right side of my head. I instantly told her about it and about potential brain damage and stuff and freaked out so much, called myself a lunatic, and she basically sent me home immediately to get it checked out. I could've gone to a hospital in her city but she sent me home. I ruined my chances with her. We're still texting but I cannot imagine that she wants to visit me one day. I'm no longer myself anyway.

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The second I was in the train home, I became so, so panicky. I texted a friend about it and he told me that I'm just too paranoid. That I spent the past month with the same thought and that I need new experiences. I realized the tattoo wasn't the problem, my head was. Since then I didn't regret my tattoo as much (still do), but rather how I handled the past month. Should've told more people about it. Should've showed more people about it. Should've gotten admitted. Shouldn't have told the girl about it. Etc etc etc.

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I didn't visit a hospital. I went home and slept. For the first time in a while, I slept like 5h. I hit the side of my head again the day after and it only made things worse. The regret got swapped out by insane depression. I lost my beautiful girl. And my personality. I realized that I'm no longer myself. I can't see straight, my memory is horrible. I can't walk or balance. My surroundings are so weird. I'm in a cloud. I somewhat got better and happier since then because I realized I need to pull myself together and, on the same day, went to the clinic near me to get myself admitted but they wouldn't take me. I went again 5 days later and got offered a spot in their day clinic from 8am - 4pm.

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I got a bit happier actually. Tried to be my past self again, until I impulsively bought an expensive festival ticket a week ago. I was looking forward to it for so, so long but knew I wasn't ready for it mentally. A big group of like 30 people are going there and it's the biggest festival in the world for my nichey type of music. It was sold out and you can only buy a ticket on marketplace and I bought one and panicked cause I thought I got scammed. I didn't but I then realized I shouldn't go since I can't even do basic stuff like grocery shopping. I can't do anything. I tried to sell the ticket today but am a walking mess and the guy who came to me probably thought wtf was wrong with me and hasn't sent me the money yet. I know his name so yeah I can get the money probably, but I the panicked cause I thought hey I should've gone to the festival instead. I want to listen to my favorite music again but 5 days among 30 people is crazy stuff for me right now. Would've been a good exercise and maybe gotten me to love my music again but welp. So that's made me insanely depressed and today I'm feeling so, so horrible.

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And anyway, I'll visit a day clinic from Thursday on. I'll finally get admitted, Monday - Friday from 8am - 4pm. I lost everything I ever knew. Everything. My personality. My happiness. My knowledge. My friends somewhat. Like everything. I know I won't ever be my old self again.

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I live in an amazing country and city, I study something amazing, I had tons of friends, I'm good looking, I'm smart, I have loving parents (who are seriously worried for me) but welp, I lost my head... Because of some ink.

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Before May 5th, I was crying tears of joy, now they're tears of horror.

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My post is a jumbled mess, I know, first time I'm writing something in almost 2 months. I wish you all the best and pray for me please. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I got a tattoo on my forearm that's taken a toll on my mental health and I want it gone ASAP. I visited a removal place that's willing to already start removal and I'm thinking of doing it despite it only having been one month since I got the tattoo. I think I'll need to get a cover up on it anyway at some point as complete removal will be difficult so scarring might not be too big of a problem I'd say.

Thanks for the advice!