u/Equivalent_tulip

I am feeling so much confused in life in all aspects. My childhood my past decision my current relationship career alll. Everything looks like a loop self guilt. I need to find someone who can help mw find myself. But i recently lost my job so I can't afford much. Like 750 for a session like just for 45 mins is more for me. I might be dumb for expecting too less. But the person who offered 350 which is good but later when asking some questions before enrolling he sounded he felt irritated a bit so i dropped there. sounded not good too. I might be dumb and expecting too much but someone who already visited any therapist online with affordable price pls suggest me a good therapist with some empathy 🙂 pls

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I am a kind of person who never gets much attraction or like towards anyone barely on looks. Like i feel if you love someone you don't like or feel other opposite gender people right. I follow my bf in twitter. Usually in twitter fan wars do happen right. My bf usually don't involve much but sometimes he mentions that his favorite actress is some xyz Bollywood actress. and he tweets praising her sometimes. Today he replied to somebody's comment saying. "That actress is goddess. It's been 1 yr since i know him. I feel very disgusting towrads the thought that a man who should only admire his better half is saying some actres is goddes. May be I'm sounding like I'm from ramayana or mahabharata times like. Seeing other women is paap. Still I'm really getting thoughts like ending it here. Wtf liking a men who says other women goddess. lm l 0ver reacting or im just with wrong person. I know i sound dumb but yhh idk how to deal with this I'm trying from 1 yr. Lol.

I am a kind of person who never gets much attraction or like towards anyone barely on looks. Like i feel if you love someone you don't like or feel other opposite gender people right. I follow my bf in twitter. Usually in twitter fan wars do happen right. My bf usually don't involve much but sometimes he mentions that his favorite actress is some xyz Bollywood actress. and he tweets praising her sometimes. Today he replied to somebody's comment saying. "That actress is goddess. It's been 1 yr since i know him. I feel very disgusting towrads the thought that a man who should only admire his better half is saying some actres is goddes. May be I'm sounding like I'm from ramayana or mahabharata times like. Seeing other women is paap. Still I'm really getting thoughts like ending it here. Wtf liking a men who says other women goddess. lm l 0ver reacting or im just with wrong person. I know i sound dumb but yhh idk how to deal with this I'm trying from 1 yr. Lol. We both are in early twenties.

I am a kind of person who never gets much attraction or like towards anyone barely on looks. Like i feel if you love someone you don't like or feel other opposite gender people right. I follow my bf in twitter. Usually in twitter fan wars do happen right. My bf usually don't involve much but sometimes he mentions that his favorite actress is some xyz Bollywood actress. and he tweets praising her sometimes. Today he replied to somebody's comment saying. "That actress is goddess. It's been 1 yr since i know him. I feel very disgusting towrads the thought that a man who should only admire his better half is saying some actres is goddes. May be I'm sounding like I'm from ramayana or mahabharata times like. Seeing other women is paap. Still I'm really getting thoughts like ending it here. Wtf liking a men who says other women goddess. lm l 0ver reacting or im just with wrong person. I know i sound dumb but yhh idk how to deal with this I'm trying from 1 yr. Lol.

I had very body childhood never had close frndso r anything interesting. Emotionally unavailable dad.

Later had a boring small love. But i stayed so loyal and gave all my efforts as i can. Got betrayed. Basically i believed them toooo easily.

So i got this trust issues. Even my dad betrayed my mom

So i basically can't anyone without proofs.

I felt like taking break fro everything took break. No social media no close people. Lost of family member had depression. But worked on myself. I felt okay I was doing good now. I was into new chapter had self growth.

I even rejected few people so i thought myself oh now I'm strong mentally i was nkt believing anyone that easily now i was grown up mentally.

Then fell in love woth most transparent and guy within in 2 months i met him. Thru online. Both us where not in hunger for love. Both of us focusing on career at that time. So it found us when we are not looking for it kind love. It felt like it's the one.

But i have this too much self analysis. I have lots lots of communication precautions to have a good relationship. We transparency like having eachother passwords too. But both of us are kinda feels low depressed by default kind souls. Only difference is i try to find solution he tries to shut down.

I asks alot means alot of questions like i basically dump wtever question i get into mind. Initially he tried to give me positive reassurance now he's become very much upset becoming Silent because of my over thinking afraid of our future.

I feel like mine is love or just emotional attachment?

If i leave wt I'm Just self sobtaging my own relationship. Wt I'm believing the false assumptions.

If i stay what if I'm lieing myself to avoid the truth.

Wt if it's all just my trauma not an actual issue. Which goes away if i stay away from anyone

In taht case i feel like I'm tooo much complex to any relationship and not interested and too sensitive to any kind of casual flings.

Thing is i thought after Taking few yrs break (which i did for 2 yrs no social media no close people had best time too sometimes bad too but I'm okay with my solitude) then restarted life thinking everything i make now will be best decision but no i feel like I'm in same loop without any betterment? Like wtf .

I feel like I'm i betraying mysslef or I'm i betraying my bf?

I feel like i deserve a partner who gives me reassurance to the extent I won't feel these confusions. And i also feel. My bf deserves a whole love.

And we are a bit opposite i was too complex and emotional. He was emotional but kind of guy who don't do complex thinking or don't dive too deep. I sometimes feel he won't reach my emotional need. But also he's the kindest understanding guy i ever met who's so genuine and good just like a kid who is learning.

Don't give me routine and short advices like breakup. I want a meaningful real growth. Mostly to savs my relationship as weel as my self if the relationship is worthy enough. If our relationship is just a infactuation from both of us then i need truth to face this truth.

I feel like i needed a serious therapy. Who will analyse a too much anlayser like me. I might end up analysing the theraplst too kinda weirdo.

The thing i was once in loop

Tried to come out. Took time. Made things like i was out of loop. Took decisions which felt wise. Still again feels like I'm again in loop? That....again in loop feels like self hate like i betrayed myself? I literally failed to save myself. I'm 25 fking 25. Not a teenager to do trail and error. I'm no more interested in trying new relation ship too. I feel like I'm i tooo dumb who believes everything wtever comes to my way a dumb who make dumb decisions assuming I'm being wise and ends uo being dumb or I'm wise but just facing wrong people?. My mind can think allll teh possibilities. Like literally all.... I don't even know wts the actual possibility i can't even get a hint. Some wise people who is expert in studying minds. Advlce me pls..

TL;DR basically i anlayse alot and i don't know whether I'm doing right or wrong decisions. Is it just trauma or self sobtage or a wrong decision. I want the truth

This gonna be long pls bear with me. And I'm bengali. so English isn't my first language. I might be wrong ot messedup or confused wtever i need a reality slap. actually i hv a emotionally unavailable dad and mom. Idk might be bcz of this or not. All my life I'm hunger of emotions. But somehow never crossed my boundaries like I'm saving myself for marriage. During my clg days it's my first love he cheated on me i was so loyal no doubts pure love for 2 yrs. But he cheated so i left him with heavy heart. Thn after 4 yrs one of common frnd who i know for 4 yrs who had strong boundaries he even used to reject girls. Let's call him Q. He has a depressed life still he works hard to make it better. I used to tell positive talk to him always He used tell me he felt like home with me. He started to showing interest in me. Not openly but q said he's interested but asked me to know more about eachother. I had zero feelings on him. I only seen him as frnd. Still since he's good guy i gave it a try. But even tho he's good guy he is strategic like he posts very filtered way only showing his positive sides victim mentality feeling he's the only good guy. Hides everyone posts filtered. I came to know his filtered posting thru a frnd. when confronted Q said he hided it from everyone its not for girl it's actually for a guy frnd. And since ur an over thinker i hided u too ntg much. I ignored and left him instantly. Next day he asked again to talk since he isn't a type of person who forces me he became silent. And it's over. Then i never remembered him much. I had a absolutely best time of my single life. Had 0 feelings but randomly i got curiosity wt if the hidden post is just for guy not for a girl. Wt if he's a good guy just having so many precautions to have smooth life questions. But i never txted. Then i met a guy let's call him v. He had really exceptional great skills but very much insecure and lazy stucked in career. But back then i don't know much only seen his character behaviour felt love. I got crush on instantly he's good guy too I'm his first love. V proposed me very quick within a month. V is very confident and clear about me. But when the moment came to decide a partner i compared Q. I agree it's worst. Even tho i had feelings on V idk why i compared. i randomly texted Q Asking why he hided me is it really a guy frnd or girl. He answered but didn't shown much interest. After few mins i even realised i left that day because he is too strategic i left for a reason why digging this again. So then talked to v I accepted V's proposal after a month. I admired v really alot his trust on our future is insane. I loved that. It's going awesome but whenever v did any tiny mistake like having weak boundaries with strangers kind i used to compare v with q. I frequently compared but when our love went to peak intensity i forgot about Q.I used to cut off Convo if any other guys tries to flirt too. But Back of the mind i have fear of v leaving me like my past relationship. So if v ever left me. I need to marry some guy so instead marrying a stranger i kept Q as a backup option in my mind even tho we never talked again. Everything went fine with v for a year i and he was loyal to eachother but then started downfall when he used to shutdwon when he feels upset or any stress and when ever i was upset he just says to take rest. Like he's emotionally immature he can't grasp details of life and emotions. I compared it to Q. Where Q remember every tiny details of anything. Then After a few months when Q and i randomly talked for a work reason. He asked about my life i said ntg it's boring. Idk why i didn't revealed about V when Q asked about my life. I regret it now. I didn't shared it to many of my frnds because i always have trust issues after my first love. I didn't talked to Q much. Later a month i felt so alone because V was shutdown again bcz of career stress. I felt depressed. So i felt alone. So i remembered how Q used to respond when i felt alone year ago. Felt gratitude like how he was with me asked when i faced depression. Since q and i never had a real relationship or much i thought it's oky to be just frnds and talk randomly. So i txted Q . But this time i did't had him as my back up option. I was really gonna tell him about my bf V. I tried soft launch i said indirectly like i like a guy. Q thought I'm proposing q indirectly and trying to manipulate him. I immediately clarifiied by telling more about my bf. He said okay. But i over analysed it and kept it running in my head for around 3 months. May be it's the guilt of comparing q and v previously. Or idk wt. i questioned myself after this incident wt made q think like that. I'm i emotionally cheating. So after 3 month's i again txted Q clarifying once again in subtle way. He didn't reacted much i thought saying this might help me to satisfy my ego. I felt better only for 2 days. Again This incident kept on spiralling in my head. The moment after a month my bf didn't met me in special day bcz of financial issue. so space between me and bf was increasing day by day. I was comparing once again day by day. This loop was going on in my mind every single day. I was clearly not attracted or had feelings towards Q. I had feelings towards V. But i seen some standards in Q. Due to small mistake from Q side i left him. Now im expecting same standards subconsciously and my ego got hurt or I'm i guilty or I'm just over thinking? And adding to this my bf was having very unstable career and he's not working hard to make it correct. All this made me question my own decisions character question my own feelings towards V. Everything is fucked up. Untill that convo where Q misunderstood me. I was clear and okay with my life. But after that Convo. I was remembering Q every single day. Wishing why i even gave Q a try to talk to me. Saying myslef that even tho q is good guy hardworking settled he still a strategic fellow i didn't felt vibe. I already left him. Also I'm Questioning why i said yes very quickly to V. I'm fucked up idk wt I'm thinking wts my emotions. If u came this far thanks. Help me out. Like i accepted v's love everything went fine for a year untill v is doing good the moment we had space and same time q misunderstood my txt lead to questioning my own character i agree i once had q as my back up option so i was guilty and that guilty was killing me now. Like do i emotionally like Q? Or I'm not in love with anyone? If yes then why i was with v for year happily. Why remembering Q every single day regretting wt he might thought about my character why. Over analyzing everything. It's been 4 months stilll thinking that incident daily. Is it just my ego wound towards Q or ahhh I'm messsed i think nobody will study this till end. I don't mind u questioning my character i just want reality slap on my face. Back of the mind I'm afraid if anyone said i have to leave v or mine is not love towards V. One more thing all this are long distance frndship and relationship. Never met q in real life. But met v twice on spl days.