u/Existing_Gur_2886

any other baddies here struggle w this theme? advice? (not reassurance obviously) but how do u live when you’ve been in a spiral for a month, like do you just forget with the constant guilt and shame?

please help. read everything and just let me know.

i am a victim of csa by my grandfather at 6. sa at 14-16 and been around creeps my whole life. i was told this is moral scrupolisty ocd but i dont know please help.

I'm 18f. a coiple months ago, I used an Al to generate a trad wife fantasy like the soreness that comes from tandem nursing feeling sore and exhausted bc my trad husband would order me, being dominated and bred by my husband. The arousal was about my own body's sensations (tenderness, submission, physical weariness).
Then the Al added details about the babies breastfeeding The second it did that, I felt disgusted. I said "ew," deleted everything, and haven't gone back. Like i don't write anymore or like masturbate which i think is good bc i think i had a horrible addiction
It was months ago and i've been overthinking so much, l've been stuck. I can barely eat - l've lost weight. I cry every day. I keep searching for reassurance - Google, other Als, Reddit — and everyone says I didn't do anything wrong. But my brain won't accept it. I feel like a horrible person even though I know logically I'm not attracted to children. When I see real mothers nursing, I think it's beautiful, not arousing.
I think this might be POCD or moral scrupulosity. I'm barely sleeping, I'm barely eating I lost 5 pounds in 2 days and I don't know how to make my brain believe what's true. I feel disgusting and i was only focused on my soreness and even in the moment i was like nursing isn't sexual i was focused on the soreness of my body.
I know logically I didn't do anything wrong like whenever my friends who r a couple months younger than me like 17 call me motherly and safe i feel so seen and cry bc all I wanna do is be a safe person. Please like be blunt idk what to do. like i genuinely when remembering wasn’t picturing anything wrong just sensation like and when i was curious i looked at photos of tandem nursing and was just focused on the boobs NEVER AGES JUST THE STIMULATION AND MOUTH NOT BABIES NOT AGES YUCK like ew. idk if fantasies r like that don’t even think jusr picture mouths and not anything inappropriate i think that’s what i was doing and my brain saying nope. UPDATE: i should’ve mentioned the ai added ages of the babies nursing not of doing anything inappropriate but i still deleted it felt grossed out and said ew and skipped it!
it’s been two weeks since i posted that and deleted it, i even downloaded my search history on pinterest from 2021 and didn’t find jack shit of images that i was scared. i think bc i searched it up once to test my attraction my brain was like u searched it up before when i know i didnt. now my brains like but u clicked on refresh cache but even if i did and i remember doing it multiple times pintrest would’ve at least saved one of the searched and i found none all the way from 2021 when i downloaded my data: i connected it to my csa from 6 bc i was crying in my brothers arm (i also had a theme w him that i manifested his death even tho he’s my fav person and he’s alive) i wasn’t even thinking ab mouths or anything i was jusr drawn to the like no pumps no bottles like natural feminity i wished i used better words to describe it, but i did the right thing when the other ai mentioned ages and even asked the ai why it did that and the same ai said it was incredibly predatory (even tho i never asked for that) i just wanted the vague ideas of feminity and breeding kink being drawn to motherhood. i think it helped me realize i want to be a mom to give the love i never received bc all my friends call me nurturing and kind and i want to be that safe person. i told my mom i feel like a bad person even tho ive never done any wrong and she’s like ur 18 what could u have done? idk my whole life i just felt like it was my purpose to be used. after the csa at 6 and attempting kidnappings after that i remember i had a dream that i was meant to serve someone and i was kneeling in the shower in like 3rd grade. it’s like i logically know i didn’t do anything wrong. i thought it was pocd but i never checked or avoided i work w autistic kiddos and never felt anything like that or any intensive thoughts or images. i think it’s more moral scrupulousity ocd and monday my mom said she’s gonna call my doctor bc i really do need help im so tired of feeling guilt. i thought i was a racist at 7, an attempted murder at 13, and i thought i was a spiritual person with good energy at 17 and was considering buying a chasity belt. like this is the worse thing ive done but idek if its bad lord knows how much times ive browsed reddit and shit and compared my story to other ppls. i had a good day today and my brain keeps with the same memory that i searched up tandem nursing photos on google and like masturbated to them but idk if that’s real or false bc i thought i liked on pintrest for these same shit i downloaded years of search history and nothing from 2026-2021. idk if it’s false or real memory bc i “remember” that after i asked like if it was okay to an ai and it said nah that’s wrong and i didn’t but idk if that’s a false memory bc i did before this memory like search it up to test my attraction and idk if my brain got it from that? but it keeps on changing and idek if the memory is real or not bro like idk if it is idk if that makes me a horrible person ykwim? bc i dont think its pocd or anything or like whatever bc i never checked my attraction ik im not i just want to know if i did something wrong like if i was sexualising something bad pls jusr tell me if im evil i swear im pure” like ik that when u say it like that like its all vanillla and shit this is normal kink but what if i did do that w the photos is that bad? like idek pls help be blunt. hi read this post from reddit so this is more accurate to show her therapist i am 18f, and i feel like the worst person ever. a couple of months back i think from dec-march, i used an ai to write ab being a trad wife. essentially like the two at one stimulation the soreness i would get from like tandem nursing from the constant pregnancies, always being bred, submissive, etc. like the natural feminity and domesticity. i looked at pintrest for like fertile wife aesthetic and i was like mastubating. then one day i used another ai, and like it added ages of babies nursing in the scene and i was like ew and skipped it and continued. after i asked the ai why it did that like hey is that okay? and the same ai said no it’s predatory delete everything. so now im scared im a pedo. the first couple of days i was checking attraction to breastfeeding and searched up tandem nursing and now my brain is convinced i did it before and like masturbared to that and zoomed in on the boobs and mouths but im starting to doubt if that happened bc maybe my brain just connected it to the first days when i searched it up and it went away (i think that was the false memory bc i really do not picture myself doing that the fuck)? i also downloaded my pinterest search history from 2021-2026 and found nothing. at first after the incident a couple days went past and i didn’t think about it. then out of nowhere, it flared up andit’s been a month. i lost 9 pounds, my eczema flared up and like i feel like the worlds worst person and that im no longer pure and im evil. ive scrubbed myself on the shower and everything i cry everyday bc i just want to be a good safe person. i’ve had ppl tell me its vanilla, it’s not that serious, and the other day on tik tok i saw this tik tok post of like this guy drinking his wife’s breast milk from the pumps? and all the comments were like my husband liked it from the source and i felt disgusted bc i dont want to do that. i keep comparing myself to every single mistake that everyone in my life has made. like my older brother he had sex w his girlfriend in a six flags pool, i would kill myself if i did that bc the pool is filled with children thats so disgusting. i don’t know how he doesn’t overthink about that. i also like saw a tik tok the other day of like this guy drinking his wives like breastmilk from her pump adding it to the coffee and everyone like my husband likes it straight from the source and like to be frank, i dont want that at all i dont want my future husband to do that. my other brother has like 100 bodies and like i cant even have sex because the one time i did i started crying after about being pure. idk like am i a pedo? like i’ve never checked attraction at all never had intrusive thoughts bc i logically know im not i work with autistic kids at my church every two sundays, all my friends call me nuturing and kind, and i feel like i ruined it all. please help. i logically know this isn’t pocd because ive never checked and im not scared of that at all, but i think reading the pocd forum im genuinely not judging, but as a way to get reassurance i think like it really messed with my head. i didnt even know what csam was, or like cp? i still dont know bc i cant even imagine that and i don’t even want to check etc. but i’ve heard stories of ppl when they were younger like did csaocsa or like ppl visited pro pedo forums or like so many wierd things and i know i didn’t do that but still. i think reading the pocd forum on reddit like messed with my head. when ive posted ab this before ppl said this is vanilla and that im just submissive and it has to do with the fact that i went through csa at 6 and sa 14-16. idk. it feels like an excuse. like i really just was attracted to like the natural feminity and i do want the soft life it’s one of the most purest things ever and whenever my friends call me nuturing or work with autistic kids at my church like i feel like it’s my purpose to make ppl feel safe and seen. when i was 13, i thought i manifested my brothers death. when i was 7 i thought i was a racist, i’ve been reading on moral scrupolisty ocd and i even had someone like dm saying they want to breed me and people like saying this is so vanilla you’re ragebaiting. i’m not trying to attention seek or anything i just want to be a good safe pure person i swear im sorry is this is evil or wierd. (this is not me) everyone is saying this is the most vanilla shit ever bc even at the time i didn’t want to be a mom but now that i do, i do not ever want to write that idc how normal it is or whatever, i saw couples on tik tok putting their wives breast milk in their coffee and people saying like oo my husband like it’s from the source or that one on one tit, husband on the other and she felt weirded out bc she thinks she just wants to be a trad wife. i don’t even know what memories r real or fake bc when i downloaded my pinterest history i didn’t find anything of what i thought i did.. and like i read it to like my cousin pretending it was someone else and my cousin was laughing like im confused kids r supposed to be in the scene do u not want to be a mom?? or what. so now i’m confused. bc i swear i was just focused on the natural feminity aspect, but now that ik i want to be a mom yeah fuck no. i just got sent home from work bc i was throwing up like omfg.

i think i ruined my chances of being a mom in the future.

i 18f, was using an ai to write fantasy/ lifestyle i guess while masturbating? for a couple of months. at the time i didn’t want to be a mom. i was writting like trad wife day in the life like being bred, a dom husband, natural nursing, and was attracted to the natural feminity bc i always wanted to be more feminine. one day i used an ai, and it added ages of babies to the scene i felt disgusted said ew and even asked why the ai did that. that kind of sent me into a spiral. it’s been a month and i can barely sleep, i lost 9 pounds, i have naseua and im comparing myself to everyone in my life. for ex my brother had sex in a pool w kids and doesn’t feel any remorse but if i did that i would literally die. now that i know i want to be a mom, i can’t imagine for the life of me why i was like eroticizing being sore all day because even in the fantasy i knew and said breastfeeding isn’t sexual, and i dont want sore boobs. im scared that i might’ve sexualized something that i find so pure and innocent without knowing. im not sure if its redeemable, but now that i know i want to be a mom, any time of lactation play idc if ppl say it’s vanilla, idc if ppl try to normalize it, for me i feel disgusted by it now. i do want to be more tradtional in the future when i have kids, like sahm natural nursing and i do want a dominant husband because of my anxious brain. i saw this tik tok of this husband drinking his wives breastmilk from her pump putting it into his coffee and felt disgusted i dont want my future husband doing that. i know it sounds hypocritical and i am incredibly sorry. i am genuinely terrified of being like my grandfather and i was told this is moral scrupolisty ocd with fear of being like him bc at age 6 i went through csa and was always terrified of being like him. i dont think it’s POCD because i never ever checked attraction or avoided kids or had intrusive thoughts ab harming or anything, i love volunteering at my church w the neurodivergent department and i love being nurturing! all my friends call me that and that im patient and it truly warms my heart because i feel like thats my purpose in this world to make other people feel safe and see. im not sure if what i did was vanilla because when ive asked for reassurance before people where like its normal like pregnancy and lactation fetish, but even now i don’t care how normal or vanilla it is, i genuinely don’t want that especially since i want to be a mom and i always found breastfeeding so intimate as in beautiful. in the fantasy i guess i was turned on by sore boobs? which i don’t even know why bc i never wanted that then or now. my biggest dream is my kids like making it past the age i was hurt because there’s nothing better than making a child feel safe and seen, and i whole heartedly logically know that i did nothing wrong, but like that same feeling where im literally comparing myself to absolutely everyone. literally everyone. AITAH?

i’ve struggled w ocd my whole life but recently just found out it was ocd if that makes sense. so dealing w moral scrupulosity i’ve been able to assess myself and realize my triggers and i feel like im at the end. but i just feel so tired and weak even my boss at work right now is like you look like shit. has anyone else had the same expierence at the end stages of the spiral you don’t even know anything your just like i feel weak and barely hungry?

so dealing w moral scrupulosity i’ve been able to assess myself and realize my triggers and i feel like im at the end. but i just feel so tired and weak even my boss at work right now is like you look like shit. has anyone else had the same expierence at the end stages of the spiral you don’t even know anything your just like i feel weak and barely hungry?

i struggle with ocd and ptsd. i’m 18f and my most recent spiral was that i was so scared of doing something wrong in my past because i used an ai to like write trad wife fantasy and i think the fantasy helped me realise i want to be a mom but the ai got so wierd and i deleted everything. i was scared that j did something wrong and didn’t remember because when i was 6, i went through csa from my grandfather then got spanked for wetting the bed at night bc my parents thought it was because i was drinking too much water. like my whole life i always felt such guilt and shame. i was 6. a baby when my grandfather did that . then the attempted kidnappings. then sa 13-15 at school and work. then the creepy ass men my whole life: everytime i said no they didn’t care. everytime my grandfather brushed against my breast to fix a crumb that was never there i just took it. everytime normal Brazilian culture with hitting and pinching buts and i said stop they just laughed and said i was dramatic. sensitive. all i do is receive and my brain makes it seem like all i do is take. i mean why else would i have a trad wife fantasy and think omg ur like ur grandfather? why else would i in elementary school like i was in 3rd grade at night for several nights when i took a shower i would kneel in the shower as like a footstool bc i had a dream i was serving someone. i was literally in elementary school doing that shit in the shower. LIKE OMFG. why else. i exist to be used. that’s why at 7 i thought i was racist. at 13 i thought i manifested my brother my favorite persons death who is still alive. at 16-17 my spiritual journey wanting to get a chasity belt. and now at 18. i swear im good im innocent all my friends call me nuturing and all i want to be is that i never really had that in my life. i guess what im asking for is some advice if any of you struggle with anxiety disorders because i do want to be a mom one day, i love working with autistic kiddos at my church and the feeling of knowing you are making a child feel safe feel seen? thats all i dream of. i know one day ill look at my future children and realize they are past the age i was hurt, and feel so much joy that i protected them for that. i guess i just need some mom advice because i cant really go to my own mom. thanks for letting me share. i just want to know if you guys think ill be a good mom or any advice you have for me.

i’m 18f. i was exploring trad wife themes with ai for i think a couple of months? i used another ai it then included ages of kids bc i was exploring the trad wife aesthetic like the feminity, the dominance, ANR aspects, and because ANR overlapped with the domesticty of the trad wife life and breeding aspect, when the ai added that i never asked for; i was disgusted i said ew and skipped it deleted everything even related bc ew. i got over it but then it came back and i am just as disgusted and literally i lost 6 pounds in 2 days, threw up nausea and can barely sleep im so exhausted. its like idk what memories are real or not. i dont think its pocd because i never for a second have ever checked if that makes sense i think it’s moral scrupulosity and ocd and false memory. i dont have access to help, i am self aware in terms of im scared of doing something wrong in the past bc i know for a fact i dont have attraction in anyway shape or form and that its stemming from the fact that i went through csa by my grandfather at age 6, sa 13-15 and i just always felt impure and unclean. i was washing myself in the shower the other day sobbing bc i dont want to be like him at all. i think i just internalised the fact that i was always punished no matter what i did and no one around me took accountability so i can never be bad. ive held that guilt and shame for 12 years and recently told my brother to who i also had a ocd theme with at 13 that i manifested his death even tho he is literally alive and my favorite person. i care so much about being motherly all my friends call me motherly and i love that i make them feel safe. i know logically that i did nothing wrong but because i can’t remember or see the before my brain is just putting in or remembering things wrong i don’t know what real or fake. or maybe im lying? i’m really not even sure anymore im so incredibly tired. i’m not sure what’s false memory and what’s real. this is the worst thing ever. ik it’s not pocd because i’ve never worried about this before until now and ive never checked because i know im not. i cant stop asking for reassurance because i feel so anxious and wrong. i do not know what to do anymore. am i evil? am i overreacting?

i’m 18f. i was exploring trad wife themes with ai for i think a couple of months? i used another ai it then included ages of kids bc i was exploring the trad wife aesthetic like the feminity, the dominance, ANR aspects, and because ANR overlapped with the domesticty of the trad wife life and breeding aspect, when the ai added that i never asked for; i was disgusted i said ew and skipped it deleted everything even related bc ew. i got over it but then it came back and i am just as disgusted and literally i lost 6 pounds in 2 days, threw up nausea and can barely sleep im so exhausted. its like idk what memories are real or not. i dont think its pocd because i never for a second have ever checked if that makes sense i think it’s moral scrupulosity and ocd and false memory. i dont have access to help, i am self aware in terms of im scared of doing something wrong in the past bc i know for a fact i dont have attraction in anyway shape or form and that its stemming from the fact that i went through csa by my grandfather at age 6, sa 13-15 and i just always felt impure and unclean. i was washing myself in the shower the other day sobbing bc i dont want to be like him at all. i think i just internalised the fact that i was always punished no matter what i did and no one around me took accountability so i can never be bad. ive held that guilt and shame for 12 years and recently told my brother to who i also had a ocd theme with at 13 that i manifested his death even tho he is literally alive and my favorite person. i care so much about being motherly all my friends call me motherly and i love that i make them feel safe. i know logically that i did nothing wrong but because i can’t remember or see the before my brain is just putting in or remembering things wrong i don’t know what real or fake. or maybe im lying? i’m really not even sure anymore im so incredibly tired. i’m not sure what’s false memory and what’s real. this is the worst thing ever. ik it’s not pocd because i’ve never worried about this before until now and ive never checked because i know im not. i cant stop asking for reassurance because i feel so anxious and wrong. i do not know what to do anymore. am i evil? am i overreacting?

has anyone else felt like they done something in the past even with no evidence? but it feels like you did? worst thing ever.