u/Exotic-Sock3178

it’s been a couple months since I stopped texting with my ubpd mother, long story but I had to take space to deal with a traumatic experience with her communicating with my blocked narc ex and him showing up in town-
I was clear to her I needed space to work through, I am in EMDR therapy again, I eventually blocked her number for a bit cause she would send love bombing texts after I was taking space, I even stopped by on mother’s day (out of guilt i’m sure), I even wrote her a letter recently and mailed it, explaining why I am hurt, just to get it out for myself with not expecting anything.
my dad’s birthday is Monday and I’m gonna go to the house for the first time since a short visit on mother’s day and after not really speaking most of the last couple months.
I was going to just show up but then today at work I just spontaneously decided to text her: “hi mom, I am gonna come by Monday morning I have something for dad”
and she wrote back “Ok”

kind of not surprising and I know there is a lot of anger and hurt there in that Ok.
I am the hurt one, I have to remember this.
my therapist keeps reminding me.
there was such betrayal in this situation but also it is something that could have been avoided, now I am dealing with PTSD and more work to do and have fallen into quite a depression.
but it has forced me to really learn to set boundaries.
anyways, i’m rambling on but I’m feeling disappointed regardless of not expecting more, but it’s also like…. damn, can’t she just show one teeny tiny bit of empathy for me or remorse or even acknowledgment.
I’ve spelled it out clearly how much it hurt me.
but I have to accept it, accept how she is.
and try not to let the sadness I feel for her for what she endured in her life, get to me.
trying to squash the guilt.
and going to really try on Monday to go into that house, for my dad. give him a gift and see his garden.
I will not let her take up the space.
I must admit though, I’m kind of scared of dealing with her.
I hate not knowing what to expect or having to navigate awkwardness and heavy emotion.
that is how it’s always been though.
I’ll be an anxious mess til I get past Monday but I am going to do my best to not let her emotions take all the space.
wish me luck.

hi all, you can read my past posts about my troubles with my ubpd mother and a situation involving her being in contact with my narc ex I have blocked.
she hasn’t addressed any of my feelings about it, and last week I did mail her a letter (with no expectations) but mostly to let her know what I was feeling (again)
and I’ve been taking space the last couple months, only saw her on mother’s day (I made the effort)
and have blocked her # cause the texts were causing anxiety.
in the letter, I was pretty to the point but kind.
I told her i can’t text right now and just need to focus on my healing and that I was upset and hurt by her contact with my ex (resulting in him coming to town)
I’ve been traumatized by the event and started EMDR cause of it.
she has asked my sister a few times about this space and how it’s been awhile and seems…. confused I guess.
I just needed to let her know again how I felt in writing.
a few days after she got it, Thursday, my niece graduated high school and I went with my sis and my parents were there too but we didn’t see them and she didn’t make effort to find where we were sitting, my sis was in contact.
that was strange behavior but it’s always strange behavior.
I think she was avoiding me.
not surprised.
my parents live close by, there’s a grocery store nearby that I sometimes see her car in the lot and avoid and I just hate living like this.
so on edge, so hyper vigilant.
I wrestle with the guilt still.
but then try to shift the thinking that I am the hurt one, she has taken no accountability and if anything has acted cold. so of course I feel
I’m doing something wrong.
so much is coming up from the past and I am so depressed about all this.
I guess I have made some effort by the visit, by stating how I feel a few times.
I just don’t know how to navigate this.
and I want to see my dad and the only way would be to go to the house.
and maybe sometime if I feel strong enough I just go there and I deal with her whatever that may entail.
I can’t really get past all that’s happened.
hope some out there can relate or give advice.
it’s all making me sad but the anger I feel over her communication with the ex and not putting me first AND not being sorry, hurts more.
thanks for reading.

just joined this group in hopes that maybe others have been stuck in a place of rumination, isolation, hyper vigilance and deep sadness over multiple hardships.
this last year+ I (40s, F) had a nervous breakdown resulting in shingles, an unexpected move to my childhood (toxic) home and while there a long distance breakup with my narc ex who was traumatizing me, several biopsies and scans (I had a cancer experience), blocking said ex after relentlessness, being out of work for a bit, adjusting to living back in hometown, lots of dental woes, a close friend had failed suicide attempt and it changed our friendship, lost my soul dog in January (my light), found out my mother was in contact with narc ex and he came into town and to their house which traumatized me, I’ve been taking space from her which has been hard, feeling super distant from my teen niece I was once close to but she’s 18 now- I live with her and my sis which is nice but also hard with family dynamics (after living at home 3 of the last 6 years), losing my autonomy, going back to work in the public, my sis across the country had a baby and is in a very volatile relationship and the worry is making me ill, recently needing a few more biopsies/tests…… it just keeps going.
I’m ruminating a lot and stuck in bed a lot.
I have a therapist weekly and started EMDR which i’ve done before.
I feel nothing but doom and that things are only going to go wrong.
I’ve had other years and bouts like this, I’ve always been pretty resilient.
but this time feels harder and I don’t know how to get through it all.
I used to be funnier. I used to feel more connected to my body and felt more motivated.
I’m so sad about everything and haunted.
wonder if anyone can relate to complete burnout/overload of too many hard things happening.
I’m really trying.
thanks for reading

I know that it might not do anything but what I’m struggling with is not fully saying what I feel and having things sort of hang in this limbo and it’s putting a lot of weight and sadness on me.
I did tell her (in text) I was upset about her communicating with my blocked ex and got no response to it really.
but I am struggling with this silence even though I know it’s good to have the space while I heal and work in therapy.
my parents live close by me, I often see my mom’s car in town and I just hate this weirdness.
anyone ever write a letter or even try to have a talk, knowing it might not go anywhere but just to take some of the heaviness?
or bad idea?
thank you!

this is my 2nd post today I hope that’s ok, I’m just really struggling to the point of obsessively thinking, over eating, disassociating and feeling very depressed despite the work i’m doing.
I can’t get past the fact that my mother was in contact with my blocked narc ex for who knows how long but at least a few months leading up to him coming to town, to their house (dropping things off for me that weren’t even mine), being blocked for a year now and also him showing up outside my work though claiming to my boss he didn’t know I worked there.
but I can’t help but think my mom told him.
she let him into the house. she told him when our beloved dog passed in January.
when he tried to reach me online through a site in October I flipped and my sis told my mom not to engage. I told everyone not to.
but to think that she did and that since i’ve told her i’m angry and traumatized by it (in text last month) I have not gotten one recognition about it, zero validation or sorry.
even my sis told her that’s why I am so upset.
how am I supposed to get past this?
I feel so haunted by it.
yet feel i’m doing something wrong by taking space, and recently blocking.
it’s all making my depression so much worse.
any insight? anyone can relate?
so crazy making.
trying to take care of myself and teetering on running out of steam.

I can’t stop ruminating on this change in dynamic with my ubpd mother and I since I have been taking space and have clearly stated my feelings (with no acknowledgment), and I haven’t been responding to texts.
I have a lot going on in my life otherwise with some upcoming biopsies, another test for something suspicious, and some more dental work.
plus still trying to heal from a terrible narc breakup, grief over my soul dog and so much more.
but the top obsession is my mother and I suspect it being because of the ole mother wound.
and breaking old patterns, family dynamics.
wonder if anyone else deals with this, has advice….
therapy and EMDR each once a week is helpful but this is not getting better and is truly starting to drive me crazy and making my depression much worse.
thanks for reading. I’ve cried so much this week.
feeling so lost.

it’s now been about a month since a text from my ubpd mom sent me a text that really upset me and prompted me to let her know that I was dealing with working through all the trauma and had anger about her being in contact with my blocked narc ex while simultaneously dealing with the death of my furry bff just a month prior and that I needed space to work through it all…
to which she has not even acknowledged, tried to reach out with a few weird texts over the next weeks and then I blocked her number for the last week.
I went to see her on mother’s day with my sis, probably out of guilt mostly and maybe to try to ease the awful feelings i’ve had since no contact for the first time.
trying to change my role, trying to protect myself and also really letting her know my feelings for the first time.
on mother’s day, after not seeing me for a month she acted cold.
she really didn’t put forth much effort at all, not surprisingly.
but now i’m left with, and now what?
just keep going in this not texting mode, taking space, trying to heal through the trauma (working in therapy and EMDR)
I feel so disappointed she hasn’t even acknowledged at what I’m upset with her over, even my sis has told her twice.
that part hurts but I don’t have expectations it would be different.
I don’t not want to go over there to the house cause then I won’t see my dad.
but I really pay the price when I do, I have felt so sick since Sunday.
any feedback would be appreciated.
this place has been so helpful in not feeling so alone.
but this whole thing has been so hard to deal with i’m having days where I think I need to check into a hospital, the depression is not getting better.
i have so much going on in my own life with needing some procedures and tests done again, kind of been an ongoing thing (I’ve had a cancer experience), so I am just pushed to the edge, overwhelmed.

after nearly a month of me having no contact with my mother after I told her I was upset by some things and needed space to work through it (even blocking her number for the last week)- I decided to go by the house, haven’t been since Easter.
and luckily my sis came with me, that helped.
gave mom a card and the whole thing was hard to do but am glad I got past it cause it’s certainly been a lot of impending anxiety.
she really didn’t engage much and no mention of anything, not to be expected.
but it’s all certainly left me feeling a bit sad and just never knowing how to navigate this relationship.
my parents are both so detached.
so I guess I feel some relief that it’s over, I’m home and resting before I have to work tonight.
I am going to try to do something nice for myself tomorrow.
wondering how everyone else is doing today, big hugs.