u/Far-Strawberry-5628

I did some stupid things without any counsel from a church body (as I wasn't part of one at the time). Namely, I fell for a number of youtube channels that said to just listen to God speak to you all day and tell you what to do, claiming these instructions will be just as inspired as the Bible itself. Long story short this ended with me crossing 6 lanes of heavy traffic in my underwear. Even though by God's grace, I survived, it got me into the clutches of the psychiatric system. They now have me on Abilify (which when I started taking my thought life became much worse and I don't find this coincidental) but worst of all, because of frequent admissions due to these thoughts manifesting in noticeable anxiety, they now have me on a drug for treatment resistant schizophrenia called Clozapine which has five black-box warnings. I don't know how I can justify taking this stuff since its so dangerous as to have these warnings and associated blood tests; it feels like poor stewardship of my life and body. They won't let me take any of the medications out of the picture and just pile pill on injection on pill. I want to remember what it was like when I just had the brain God gave me. God has not given me a spirit to fear but of peace, love and a sound mind. That's just what the Bible says, that I as a believer have soundness of mind, not "treatment resistant schizophrenia". In fact I am more than a little concerned that in the Bible madness is associated with an evil heart, foolishness or being demon possessed.

I've realized with the mental battles I've gone through in the last year that the flesh is not just some "misguided creature", it wants it ALL (your time your energy, your peace and your very salvation). Its not just trying to see what it can get away with and still be saved. It doesn't want you to be saved, it wants infamy in hell, it hates God, doesn't want to submit to Him in the least, and it hates YOUR VERY soul. I may have realized this a bit late and it was hard to come to terms with but I have seen how it thinks and I realize its far more sinister than we typically view it. Who can save us from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Amen

I have no idea what to do. I am on clozapine and abilify and I just can't seem to connect with God like I used to. I'm on a CTO but I just want to remember my life before these medications. I'm also in the hospital because I missed some doses of Cloz and "have to" be retitrated onto it. This sucks. I want to leave this all behind. I know the medication is just making things worse. God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love peace and a sound mind! How do I overcome this? I live in Canada. Should i just pack my things and leave for another province?

I started piano last year and have blown through the first 4 books (including the preliminary one). I heard fugues are a major filter. I Imagine polythythms are tough as well. So when can I expect this accelerated progress to stop?

I mean how can you listen to music that almost never lets an instrument that sounds like a metallic cat take a moment to breathe? I'm here listening to Brandenburg Cto 5 and I am about to break.

Either its the bloodwork or you stop doing all that and stop taking the pills in which case they can drag you back in any number of times to be titrated back onto them. This pill is a flipping trap! What is wrong with these people?