u/FestivusandFusilli77

I'm new to this sub though I've had Sarcoidosis for over a decade. It mostly manifested on my legs and in my eyes, though several years ago several brain lesions were discovered. I managed to come off of all medications for years and was asymptomatic. I stopped going to my neurologists because I have so many other health issues that required appointments and attention.

I have been dealing with mental health issues since childhood- treatment resistant depression and anxiety, chronic suicidality, and borderline personality. I recently had a consultation with a therapist who suggested i get an mri again to see if something organic could be causing some of my mental health struggles which have been much worse recently. My primary doc ordered and got the results which showed changes in MRI that could be sarcoid related, so I have an appointment with one of my old neurologists. I'm not sure he'll be able to discern whether these lesions could be responsible for the worsening behavioral ​/personality problems i already have.

Has anyone else had a doctor be able to connect what's going on in brain scans with personality/behavioral issues? I want so desperately for it to be something physical like the lesions causing it instead of just me being a horrible, mentally ill disaster of a human.

Thanks for reading if you did and for any help.

Find my dead mutilated body. She's my "FP" but she has left me alone and thrown me in the psych hospital one too many times. Maybe I'm splitting and will regret this post but eventually I'll split back and want her to suffer for the rest of her life for ever having me, contributing to my pain, and not allowing me to die like I want. My death can't come soon enough and I dont know why I bother posting anything on reddit where noone should be expected to care when noone in my real life gives a shit. I just want to be a dead fucking former human who rots in my condo. Im done.

The title says it all.

I'm curious what fellow BPDers do about a job. If you have one, what is your job, how many hours a week do you work, do you struggle because of your BPD, how long have you been there?

If you're on disability, is it because of the BPD or something else? What do you do to fill your days? How do you find meaning? How long has it been since you've worked? Do you want to work again?

I'm on disability, have been for well over a decade. It was BiPolar at the time that I was diagnosed with and got the disability from. Now of course the dx is BPD. Recently I've really started stuggling with having no purpose, meaning. Struggling to fill my days. Have been more suicidal. I lost my soul dog last fall which ripped my heart out and took away much of my purpose and my day, also had a big birthday that ​has me at a crossroads. Ive tried volunteering at a number of places but nothing has worked out. I dont know that I could hold down a job, would have to be something both low stress and meaningful. I'm wondering how others navigate these issue whether employed, unemployed, or on disability.

In death. I know I'm never going to get the peace I'm looking for in this hellish world in my hellish existence. Every single day that I've been around has gotten worse. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. I continue to wreck things, relationships that can't be repaired, more anger, hatred, and loneliness building. I just become an older, more pathetic version of myself, whatever promise that was once there is gone. I have lost everything and everyone, hope, included. Noone likes or loves me, noone cares for me, noone cares about me. I am sick of being in pain, of being in more pain than I was before. Sick of therapy failing (I know, it's me, I'm the failure). I'm sick of being in mental anguish, in physical pain, of being a loser, of being a waste of space. Of not having any joy, any contentment, sick of never feeling connected to anyone or anything, sick of never being proud of anything Ive done, sick of wishing I was my mother's abortion and one of the ones she lost made it and was here living a worthy life that made her proud. Sick of having my brain assault me all the fucking time, sick taking up resources, sick of being unable to be semi normal. Sick of ending up in psych wards. Sick of having to think about all this shit all the time. Sick of the depression, anxiety, suicidality, and BPD smothering me, taking away whatever was there before.

Just so sick of the pain and being alone and misunderstood ALL THE TIME.

I'm just living to find a way to die.

​

I'll start by giving my disclaimer: I think DBT is condescending and patronizing. Yet I foolishly stick with it because it's "the gold standard" and I don't know what else to do.

I'm really struggling with dialectics. I refuse to lie to or delude myself. I'm not going to be disingenuous to make things fit into dialectics.

I get the following:

• I love you and I’m upset with you.”
• “I understand why you did that and it hurt my feelings.”
• “I feel guilty for making this decision and I know it is the right one.”

Here's where I run into trouble. There is no other side to some of these, just being objective.

- I am a loser.

- I am fat and ugly.

- I am worthless.

The dialectics of these would be generic, not specific to me or reality, and just general 'bumper sticker' like sayings.. things like 'everyone has worth', 'youre doing the best you can'.

I am so sick of DBT /therapists trying to force false positivity/thoughts into reality. Some people just have no value, no hope, nothing to hold onto.

Am I missing something?

I'll start by giving my disclaimer: I think DBT is condescending and patronizing. Yet I foolishly stick with it because it's "the gold standard" and I don't know what else to do.

I'm really struggling with dialectics. I refuse to lie to or delude myself. I'm not going to be disingenuous to make things fit into dialectics.

I get the following:

• I love you and I’m upset with you.”
• “I understand why you did that and it hurt my feelings.”
• “I feel guilty for making this decision and I know it is the right one.”

Here's where I run into trouble. There is no other side to some of these, just being objective.

- I am a loser.

- I am fat and ugly.

- I am worthless.

The dialectics of these would be generic, not specific to me or reality, and just general 'bumper sticker' like sayings.. things like 'everyone has worth', 'youre doing the best you can'.

I am so sick of DBT /therapists trying to force false positivity/thoughts into reality. Some people just have no value, no hope, nothing to hold onto.

Am I missing something?

I have an old (obviously old) 5-CD player and its two speakers but I'm not even sure the wire that's with it is meant for it (or works). Is there someplace I can take the pieces of this ancient but beloved device to get help in figuring out what's needed so I can jam out to CDs the way music was meant to be listened to (I'm not quite cool/old enough for vinyl)?

I've tried calling Best Buy a few times and hung up because I was on hold for so long.

Okay, I put "IRL" just to show that I'm not the old millennial that I really am. :)

I'm genuinely curious if that happens. ​I've only been on reddit for a few months so still trying to figure things out. I'm not really even sure that I'm looking to do so myself, but would be open to chatting with people on here. I deal with several chronic health issues so barely leave home and keep to myself. Maybe eventually would meet up if it was right, but no pressure.

Biggest interest: MLB / NY Yankees. And dogs. I really like dogs.

Thanks for reading and have a good one.

I know narcolepsy can cause people to be depressed, but does anyone else have narcolepsy and a real, serious, preexisting mental health condition? How does your MH effect your narcolepsy and vice versa? I have borderline personality disorder, treatment resistant depression and anxiety, and chronic suicidality. Also chronic pain. The trio of the these issues is almost too much. It's a constant struggle with treatment, medications, and just living with the diseases. I feel like I'm constantly drowning. There is never a break. Knowing that I will live with these issues forever just makes me want to quit. There is no relief, no self care good enough, no normalcy, no feeling good in my mind or body.

Does anyone else have this struggle?

Thanks if so.​

I am so isolated, so alone, I have noone, sometimes I think I'm starting to lose my mind. I live in a condo community and sometimes I walk to the trash/Recycling at night just to see lights on in other units. It's better if I don't see people in the units because that will depress me too much, seeing other people with families or other household members. That can literally send me into a tailspin. How damn pathetic is it that seeing lights on, just seeing that there are humans living close by, is the closest thing that gives me any connection to others? I can't live this way.

I am so isolated, so alone, I have noone, sometimes I think I'm starting to lose my mind. I live in a condo community and sometimes I walk to the trash/Recycling at night just to see lights on in other units. It's better if I don't see people in the units because that will depress me too much, seeing other people with families or other household members. That can literally send me into a tailspin. How damn pathetic is it that seeing lights on, just seeing that there are humans living close by, is the closest thing that gives me any connection to others? I can't live this way.

I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I literally can't remember a day I didn’t have SI. Where I woke up happy to have woken up. Where I went to bed not hoping I wouldn't wake up. Where a considerable amount of my time wasn't spent thinking about the least painful, most fail safe way to go. Where I don't tweak and revise various methods of kms. Where I wasn't angry at cops, psychiatrists, and the US government for forcing me to stay alive because we don't have compassionate death with dignity for those suffering from lifelong mental illness. Where I don't literally have vivid dreams of being nothing (I don't believe in heaven).

This is not normal. This is not something Dbt is going to fix. This is not something any therapy or any kind of meaning or purpose will fix. I am so miserable. ​​

....but does anyone else hate living here? I know, I know, I'm an adult and in theory should just move. But I'm stuck here. It's almost all the heat and humidity. I. Can't. Stand. It. It's not just the summer, it's basically most of spring and fall. I'm not particularly outdoorsy, though I love going to a local preserve, but I hate being literally stuck inside, unable to go for a short walk, or go to my car without baking, or opening the windows. I would rather deal with snow and winter than being down here. And for a number of reasons I can't just move, or I would have long ago. It's really bad for my mental health. Also the threat of hurricanes.

Okay, rant over, and fully expecting either no response or hate to come my way.

I am a completely worthless human being. I'm not even saying "I feel worthless" or "I think I am worthless" because it's just a fact. I know that I am. Objectively, it's true. I've tried to find value, meaning, skills, purpose, that all elusive worthiness, tried volunteering, but I can't find anything. I've tried taking actual steps to make myself worthy, but fail. I am a worthless daughter, family member, neighbor, community member, citizen, ​individual. I don't know if I believe that every human is born with some intrinsic value or not, but if i ever had any, it's long been gone.

This is a large part of my chronic suicidality. I have asked people who know me to tell me what makes me valuable, and get vague, generic responses. I scream at the police officers who cuff me and drag me to into a psych ward after a suicide attempt to F off because my death would mean nothing.

I just don't know how to live, and don't want to, being a pointless human being who has nothing to contribute to anyone or anything and has no value to myself. I have so much hate for myself it's impossible to live like this.

Does anyone have any advice-- I dont even know what kind of advice I'm looking for.

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been hospitalized/involuntarily committed through a reddit post? I constantly feel like if I say what I'm really feeling, and somehow I'm tracked down, I'm going to be baker acted. Just curious.

Not expecting any responses.

When therapists have asked me what my hopes and dreams are, all I can think of is dying. I can't imagine any relief coming any other way. I dream of how long my body will lay there, who will eventually find me (likely the law called by neighbors to report a smell, or my mother). I dream of my mother's reaction, and I am so desensitized and so cold, so confident that she will be relieved I've *finally* done it after all the threats, all the hospitalizations. I dream of being in past tense. Of being buried or cremated (I don't care). Of being free from the pain. Of social security being glad there's one less disabled person the government has to support. Of how neighbors will maybe have one brief conversation in passing about my death. Of just being finally dead and gone. That is all I dream of.

... what was/were the first thing(s) that finally gave you a reason to live? Was it something internal, like gaining self worth, or something external, like a ​job, pet, or person that you were able to have a healthy relationship with?

I'm guessing most of the answers will be an internal change, but I need to have some hope, some idea of what might bring me back from the permanent brink that I live on. I've been trying and looking for some reason to want to live, but there's nothing.

... what was/were the first thing(s) that finally gave you a reason to live? Was it something internal, like gaining self worth, or something external, like a ​job, pet, or person that you were able to have a healthy relationship with?

I'm guessing most of the answers will be an internal change, but I need to have some hope, some idea of what might bring me back from the permanent brink that I live on. I've been trying and looking for some reason to want to live, but there's nothing.

I just got out of the psych hospital, this was my ninth time. I can't believe my life has come to this- to the events and misery that lead up to it, to the hospitalization itself, to having been there nine times. It's been over a stretch of 30 years, and I am no better now than i was then. It's the depression, the borderline, the suicide attempts. I feel like this is all I am, all I will ever be. I wish i could say that I've changed, that these hospitalizations have scared me straight, that I've gotten help and have resources, that i have a good support system, that I won't end up back there. But I can't. ​I am the same today as when I went in, every time. I hate my life and myself. I just don't know what to do anymore, how to keep going. That is all.