u/Few_One_2358

For some of us, I know our inner monolgue has changed. Maybe it is due to exhaustion, anxiety, depression, anphantasia, anhodenia, vitamin deficiency, adrenaline fatigue, psychosis, inflamation, gut inbalances, etc. These will all trigger their own issues with thinking, and a lot of them can overlap or play into each other.

But let's put all of that aside for one second.

I just want to know how thinking has changed for you?

I had brain fog on meds. But what this looked like was an extreme lack of focus, less emotion except for maybe shock (I mean it is hard to be in the moment when you're feeling off), a lack of internal monolgue, as in my inner voice felt weak, like it was quieter and couldn't hold a train of thought, and some thought disorder, like world salad, music playing nonstop, etc. Like my brain was just grasping to fill the void with something but didn't have the capacity to actually think.

Five years later, I am getting better. There aren't any thought disorders and I can enjoy a conversation again. But when I am stressed, which will come on seemingly at random, my thoughts will stutter. I am sure this is probably anxiety related.

But I still struggle with no longer having loud, cohesive, and controlled inner monolgue that I can run through scenarios and thoughts experiments with. As a result, I am a little aloof, less motivated, and less creative. Pushing myself can be incredibly exhausting. I think my thoughts are most "normal" when I first wake up for a few seconds and I am calm. It really seems like I can only think somewhat clearly when I am laying down. Probably nervous system related.​

What is funny is I have always had ADHD. There is a possible simple answer that the meds not only made it worse while on them, but while off, they have thrown me into an ADHD burnout. It is why thinking the same thoughts, like planning my day, is now extremely exhausting, when before, it was my second nature.

I would love to hear how your thoughts have changed and what has helped you.

The silver lining, is I was always so hard on myself. That is what led me to medications. Now, I have immense love for who I was. I appreciate how creative and empathetic I was. My new challenge, is learning how to still love myself. Because while I may not be witty or the life of the party anymore, I am still her. I still have the same humor, the same trauma, the same morals. I am just clearly very tired and "woke" from what happened to me, and still learning to live in peace with it.​​

Not performance. My boss even said he'd write a letter of recommendation. A couple of days prior, he was talking about having me take on more of his responsibilities. Every day he came out of his office, he talked about me one day totally taking his place so he could retire.

The funny thing​, is I think it is because I worked that I was fired.

Why? Workplace politics. The three other people in our office are on the verge of retiring. They gossip all day. To the point of it being louder than my own thoughts. I have dealt with gossip at work but not on this level. Over the course of a few months, I saw how bad it was. Everyone in the building at some point was a topic. Even our boss, calling him "spineless." I knew the day would come where they would talk about me. Never would I expect it to happen in whispers just five feet away.

The rumor spread that I was *not* working. Well, I guess it would be to their benefit if people believed that. Because I worked more than they did, they needed to discredit me in case I tattled. And tattle I did. Especially after my coworker exploded at me for said "laziness" while my boss stood there with his jaw dropped.

I did not hold back in my disclosure to HR and my boss. They could not deny my claims, even when one of my coworkers came in to defend their view. My defense was air tight. Especially because they had done this to the last two people in my position. How do I know? Because they gossiped about them, too. Let's just say, HR was not surprised at my report. I think they were surprised at my call for accountability, however.

Two days after the 3 hour long conversation between one coworker, my boss, and HR...I was let go. Hmm, okay...

Well, I did the math. I am out-numbered, and the three of them are about to retire. In fact, they have threatened my boss with dipping out given my "disobedience" (really, the only way I could've stayed is if I participated in the gossip as to not be a threat). Anyway. If the three of them left, my boss would be high and dry. Especially because we are in a hiring freeze. So he let me go. Because of "personality clashes." Not because of anything they claimed I was. And because I was still in my probationary period, that is apparently enough of a reason.

Ive taken solace in the fact, however, that the three of them are still retiring. In just a couple of months. It took me a couple of months to be onboarded, and that was without a hiring freeze. One of the reasons I worked my ass off, was because my coworkers refused to train me. Even if he did find one or two people, my coworkers will be on their way out, and he will be left with a totally helpless skeleton crew.

Already, they are in so much non compliance. I am kicking my feet giggling with anticipation to get this letter of ref and then to call our parent company and whistle blow. I was in the middle of fixing it all, and while I disclosed what I was doing, I guarantee they wont pick it back up. Im an idiot, afterall.

Maybe he would've kept me if I told him everyone thought he didn't have a backbone. But he was part of the problem, too. An enabling bystander. He was probably offended when I said there hasn't been accountability. See. He would need to be accountable for that.

Cherry on top, I found out my coworkers. Who have been with the company for several years, only made a dollar more than me. there was no promotion potential, except to become my boss. I was going to stay out of sheer pride (and health insurance...), but Im on my way to better pay and brighter days! woohoo!

Sayonara suckas!

Studied political science. If you want to do policy analysis, really only possible if you land that single role in an agency, work for a legislature, or a univeristy. Im not near anyone of those, and I keep getting administrative or bureaucratic jobs that dont engage my brain like actual research would. I live in a forested area. I have the option to go back to school. Very tempted to get a BS over my current BA so I can do research and/or field work in a bigger job pool. However, I am cringing at the idea of being in school for another four years and paying money when maybe there is a field out there that I can grow into and like. Idk...like IT. Im honestly a creative person so doing more office work haunts me. Considering getting a cert, like GIS or grant writing to making boost what I already am. Not sure where to go from here.​

I am a very creative person. I love art and music. I also like research, as much as I like to use my hands, because to me, there is a "creation" aspect, like the question and the finding of the answer...you have to get creative with it, and the results are some pretty unique finds (like an original painting or song), and I especially love visualizing data. I could sit at a desk all day and do that.

But I HATE sitting at a desk doing anything else. With a severe aversion. Probably because I'm burnt out a bit.

I would simply shift from office work to something artsy but I am worried, with where I live, I'd have to start my own business for that. Otherwise, much of the "hands on" work is outside. In the forest. As much as me myself and my mind would love that, my body wouldn't survive doing manual labor all day. But, part of the day, sure!

This has really left me torn and a bit barren in terms of options, especially because I really want to avoid spending more time and money in school. Worst case is getting a lisence or a certificate.

However, I am stating to worry that school may be the only option, as I am considering being a teacher, a social worker, or even a biologist in the psychology or environmental vein.

I'm being so stubborn and I am so wrongly ashamed that I am almost 30, have a social sciences degree, live no where near a big city, and am about to start working at the grocery store to get by without wanting to die from doing another administrative job. Honestly, I love talking to people and making folks day more then the prestige of a office job, and know a lot of folks do retail so that they can go back to school. But I already feel the future judgement from people and society telling me to suck it up.

I dunno. I am young and don't want to burn out any further in what I have been doing. Very very torn.​

Hi.

I could make this long. Very long. Let's just say, I ended up in the office of gossip. Now I am the subject. It is affecting my work. My supervisor doesn't have a backbone. There is an opening down the hall in LE for dispatch. I cannot imagine there is even the time of day to gossip nearly as much as the administrative ladies I work with. I would much rather be screamed at by a member of the community than my coworker who cannot stop talking, to the point I cannot hear my own thoughts.

Of course, these ladies will be very offended. My boss was hoping I would take her place one day. But after six months, I am looking at other jobs. I noticed the one down the hall a few days ago and I'm tempted to apply.

Now, 3/4 of these ladies are retiring in a couple of months. I want to hold out, but it's turned into them screwing with the thermostat and turning off my desk fan when I walk away. Not only can I not hear my thoughts, but I am melting. This one particular coworker who actually screamed at me was because I was "on my phone too much," when they are mocked by others in the building for taking entire days to gossip. I already talked to HR but a formal decision on the situation has not yet been made.

I have already made up if I can find something else, I am going to go for it. This office is a lost cause, unfortunately. Which is frightening given the things they are supposed to be responsible for.

I'm just not sure how to go about switching.

He has been harassing and accusing us of a bunch of violations. He said he is waiting on us to leave to get his friend in there. We also know people who have had their deposit wrongly taken from him.

He backed off the eviction and lawsuit threat after I explained to him what retaliation is. But he is still refusing to do repairs on our unit. We have agreed to leave but I cannot stop obsessing over where to move and how to protect us from him taking our deposit.

I cannot possibly give the full story because it is as twisted as this guy's way of thinking. But I am impressed at how there are slumlords everywhere! And they can even own the "nicest" place in town (granted...it is a small town).

I am from Detroit. I've been through my fair share of slumlords. Druggies. Bed bugs. Oh and... sweet sweet retaliation, their favorite pastime.

I actually had to get a lawyer involved once! It was worth the couple hundred of buckaroonies to write a letter to this slumlord to explain that, well, he was retaliating. There was mold. I reported it. He intentionally skipped my unit for an HVAC cleaning. I broke the lease. End of story.

But this guy wanted blood. Told me I would pay his attorney fees and all this crap. Well, his attorney wasn't versed in tenancy rights. One time, he tried to sue the City of Detroit and failed (I'm telling you, they LOVE this stuff. Like, they're sadistic).​​​​

Fast forward. I moved to bumbfuck nowhere. Almost. During the summer the tourists find this town absolutely amazing. And so do they adore my current landlord, because he owns a campground, which has this giant animal statue. Well. He also owns an apartment...that he is trying to sell...for no reason in particular...definitely not because he hates having to put money back into his rentals...

So fast forward to tonight. Our mini splits smell like the buttcrack of a dust bunny that has been sweat lodging all summer. You can see the mold on the evaporator coils.

The guy says he only services them after each tenant. The manufacturer says they need to be serviced several times a year by a licensed HVAC technician. He has NEVER done that.

I point out to him that the lease says he has to maintain it and that the maitanence is defined by the manufacturer. He says it is NOT and I ask him to explain what the maitanence is, and he said he could hire a hobo and whatever "maintenence" they did would count. Okay...I told him to apply that logic to his car.

I told him I will hire someone and deduct it from rent. He said I can't just "spend his money," and I told him that's part of being a landlord (oh but he made sure to explain he is short on cash because he has four kids...and short on time because he has four businesses...)

He was trying to argue that the mold was only bugging me because of my allergies...wonderful, so we agree there is mold? Well. Apparently not. ​

I said if there is mold, he has to fix it based on the implied agreement of habitablity. He...disagreed. I said yes. And that if I hired an investigator to come look and find mold, and my slumlord did not do anything, I could break the lease. It is not up to human to decide whether there is mold. But he is determined that, because it is his building, he decides everything. Right, so fuck laws, am I right??​

​
He got all flustered and basically gave me the "I am an attorney" "I will sue you" "I will evict you," and even went as far as to get in mh face and call me miserable and say he won't fix it just based on "principle" and my personality. He said if I got an attorney, I should just pay to fix the unit, myself.

I told him that's called retaliation. And a lawyer would tell me that in five minutes without charging me a dime. Yeah. I've been through this shit before. Funny it is also the HVAC the second time around. And mold. Funny these so called multi business men can't put down $500 ​on routine maitanence on a unit THEY subscribed to.

He apologized. Said he wouldn't sue. Ok... a lot more other crap was said. It was an hour long conversation. ​We ultimately agreed that I would find somewhere else.

Did I mention, he told me not to touch the unit or attempt cleaning it myself, when he also advised a couple of days ago that I wipe it with a microfiber as he proceeded to touch the evaporator coils AGAINST their grain (just flatten it out, why don't you).

His whole issue with me is that I "complain too much" when the only complaints have been: Water leaking through the ceiling and water leaking under both sinks. Of which he took over a month to address.

He said then that too many people have complained about me. The too many people: Our downstairs neighbor and his girlfriend thst lives in another unit. The complaint: That we are running a WOODSHOP out of our apartment because my mini bissel sounds like a sander, they saw me sand ONCE outside seven months ago for maybe 5 minutes on a water damaged piece of furniture, and because we have recently removed furniture, of which they thought was our master work...

Anyway. The guy will probably attempt to take our security deposit. I will probably fight him on it. Outside of court. Might even get an attorney involved now. Who knows. Recorded a good chunk of the convo. He also apologize after I said that...hmm, must be a coincidence.

Fuck these slumlords. They're everywhere. It's like a disease.​​

After 5 years, I am finally learning that SSRIs can have a negative affect on people with ADHD. I experienced the emotional blunting, the brain fog, the lack of...everything when I was on zoloft. I never quite understood why until I learned an increase in serotonin can decrease our dopamine, and boy, that is not a very good price to pay for some anxiety relief. Actually, the anxiety motivated me far more than the zoloft. I was miserable on SSRIs.

This is the question, though: I stopped my medication...but the side affects of brain fog and emotional blunting never really went away. And it's been five years.

I gave up looking for answers as to why. There is a lot of research on permanent sexual dysfunction from SSRIs, but not cognitive issues. I assume, though, the root is the same: the medication changed a chemical pathway in the brain, and it hasn't changed back. Some side affects do go away, as your brain finds it's "homeostasis." I just wonder...why did this not apply to my cognition? Was the short time Inwas on it really enough to stop dopamine from being picked up ever again like my brain used to?

Well, I will say, the experience of these side effects was traumatizing in itself. I was in a difficult situation, and not having my inner monolgue and not knowing why, made me feel all the more depressed, and I am sure that decreased my dopamine in addition to the medication. It is like...the pathway went from an unbeaten path to a well-used road that has ​​grooves so deep you can no longer steer your car off of it. But, chemically speaking, I dont know why this is and why my brain wouldn't at least, very slowly, return to normal?

You would think after stopping the medication, my focus and motivation would significantly improve, even if I was traumatized. But honestly, it feels like I am still medicated, five years later, today.

Since a lot of you in this community are probably way more familiar with how our brains work than I am, I am wondering if you have any insight into what could be happening. Maybe I burned out? Maybe, because dopamine was always a fragile balance for me, sertraline finally broke that balance?

Thank you.

I haven't spoken about this in years. I've returned mostly to normal. But there is a part of me that is still...not there. Like, I feel less connected than I used to. Less connected to people. To my passions. To the world. To my own thoughts. I just want to be who I was before this experience, and I am hoping I can "reverse" what happened to me if I know what really did.

A few years ago, I submitted myself because I was being abused and felt depressed. That being said, I was highly functional, didn't want to die, loved myself, loved life, and laughed everyday. I just hated being abused.

The doctors put me on effexor, Lexapro, then zoloft. All seperate. But all within a week.

Im pretty sure effexor was the first drug.

It was like, my inner monologue went completely silent. It was terrifying. I couldn't have a thought. Couldn't talk to anyone. Couldn't do anything.

I was toe walking. My balance was completely off.

Then, in the night, I woke up from my dead sleep. Seconds later, I started throwing up. I got up to get a nurse, and my words scrambled. And my legs went limp. I was dragged back to bed. Threw up. Then went to sleep.

Doctor put me on what I believe next to be Lexapro. Brain fog still, but nothing else. I hated it.

I didnt need anything in my head to change. I just needed a home.

The doctors realized this, and suggested zoloft, just to help me cope with my situation. I had mild brain fog on this, too, so I stopped.

I saw a doctor outpatient who wanted me to start again. He said I could start and stop pretty much whenever.

I started having brain fog and night sweats. Then I had panic attacks. I didn't know what a panic attack was. So I thought I was actually dying.

I stopped the med.​​ I was afraid of it. My thoughts returned. I felt more stable off than on. I could comfort myself when I could think clearly.

Then the abuse was bad one night. So I took the med, not caring what it would do to me. I wanted to be numb.

More panic attacks. More night sweats. More brain fog. I couldn't even read the book I was reading. Or write the research paper I was on the verge of finishing. My inner monologue was completely gone. I felt like I was thinking like an animal - not in complete sentences, just vague understandings.

I took the pill only once that day. Never again.

But the brain fog never went away. And it had been...five years.

Right after this one pill, I suffered from brain zaps, fever, chills, night sweats, nausea, and acute panic attacks ​for a couple of weeks. When I learned what the panic attacks were, I got them under control. I havent really had one since.

But I am exhausting trying to get my inner monologue back. I just get extremely exhausted. I can work and read for longer and hold conversations again, but it is not the same. I don't make as many connections in my mind as I used to. I have a hard time understanding and relating. My memory is poop. I have never laughed in the past five years like I used to before that damned day when I took that last pill.

I suspect I suffered serotonin syndrome. That my brain was never imbalanced. I was just in a shit situation. And I think my nervous system has never recovered from the changes it went through. And I am scared it never will, because I do not understand how these pills have changed me in this way.

I have considered the medications gave me anxiety, hence the panic attacks and maybe the fog and balance problems. But, I didn't feel anxious. that's why I didn't know I had panic attacks. I just felt...physically there was something wrong. like a heart attack. and, "anxiety" doesn't explain ​the loss of motor function, vommitting, brain zaps...I feel more like I have a brain injury. like a stroke. wishful thinking is my brain is just "exhausted," but I was seriously sick. I still occasionally get restless leg, which also started on the meds.

I want to be normal again. Please. What happened to me?​​

I handled a power strip from what seems to be the 70s. The tag was clearly degrading so I just wanted to rip it off. Well, in attempting to do so, all of these shiny white flakes bursted off the tag into the air. It looks like the glossy white aspect of the warning​ tag totally disintegrated, leaving only the paper part that was inside. I know lead was used to make things flexible and shiny...so I'm kind of wondering it was also used in the tag, itself. ​Also wondering if I inhaled enough to do any damage...