u/Flat-Swordfish-2241

To start with I’m a 21 Asian who lives in nyc. I only have sex 3 time. The first two time use protection (both same person) and one today I choose to hookup with another person who is Asian. The person told me, he’s negative and on prep which I trust him and did the thing. At the time I was 18 and uneducated about prep since my doctor never recommended me. Most importantly I never imagined I can get it the moment I chose to had one unprotected sex for the first time . Being lied to by my own skin color plus getting it the first shot( for some reason I thought people within my own community would not hurt and yes I’m dumb as hell) to me it felt like winning a lottery in a bad way. I realize how dumb I was at that age.

Right now I just scared of everything, I feel like everyone going to hurt me. Everyday I just have nothing positive to think about and constantly googling hiv cure. I went to therapy but rn it only helps with my ocd hyper sexual thought because of the trauma. The depression feels like will live with me forever. Idk what to feel and what to think and I can’t kys because back then I did and I survived, I feel like god punish me for my every actions. I feel so stuck, I can’t die nor do I want to live.

To start with I’m a 21 Asian who lives in nyc. I only have sex 3 time. The first two time use protection (both same person) and one today I choose to hookup with another person who is Asian. The person told me, he’s negative and on prep which I trust him and did the thing. At the time I was 18 and uneducated about prep since my doctor never recommended me. Most importantly I never imagined I can get it the moment I chose to had one unprotected sex for the first time . Being lied to by my own skin color plus getting it the first shot( for some reason I thought people within my own community would not hurt and yes I’m dumb as hell) to me it felt like winning a lottery in a bad way. I realize how dumb I was at that age.

What funny is that I chose to have sex because I have a family that doesn’t accept me which I do it as disobedient. I guess I got punished for it.

Even now I still having trouble to accept what happened to me after these years. What makes me sadder is that in other people view I look pretty innocent(just a stereotypical Asian twink). But deep down I always feel like a disgusting whore. Which It makes me more afraid to tell others my diagnosis or what happened to me when guy around my age approached me. I guess not just guy but people in general, I’m really afraid of the disappointment that other people will feel just like my mom and dad. I feel like if I tell people this I will get the “omg I can’t believe this happens to you”.

Ever since I always afraid to being approached and lost of hope in relationship at this age. My avoid attachment got worse also having internal racism thought because people who hurt me the most are always my skin color.

I’m a student transfer from bmcc to city college for this fall semester . In bmcc, I have for asap for free omny, but for city college I realize the application is closed.

Idk if this can reach the person or not but today 7/13/2026 I lost my blue discover card at manhattan without realizing it. Thank you for reporting the loss card to my bank even though my active account only has $13😭 left but I still appreciate it. I didn’t even notice I loss my debit card when my bank call. For now on I going to start using Apple Pay so this won’t happen again. Thanks you for giving me fate in humanity to this reach to the person who found my card.

Story: I only have sex 3 time. The first two time use protection (both same person) and one today I choose to hookup with another person who is Asian. The person told me, he’s negative and on prep which I trust him and did the thing. At the time I was 18 and uneducated about prep since my doctor never recommended me. Most importantly I never imagined I can get it the moment I chose to had unprotected sex. Being lied to by my own skin color plus getting it the first shot, to me to felt like winning a lottery in a bad way. Yes now I realize how dumb I was at that age.

What funny is that I chose to have sex because I have a family that doesn’t accept me which I do it as disobedient. I guess I got punished for it.

Even now I still having trouble to accept what happened to me after these years. What makes me sadder is that in other people view I look pretty innocent(just a stereotypical Asian twink). Which It makes me more afraid to tell others my diagnosis or what happened to me when guy around my age approached me. I guess not just guy but people in general, I’m really afraid of the disappointment that other people will feel just like my mom and dad. I feel like if I tell people this I will get the “omg I can’t believe this happens to you”.

Ever since I always afraid to being approached and lost of hope in relationship at this age. My avoid attachment got worse also having internal racism thought because people who hurt me the most are always my skin color.

Often time I not only feel depressed but I also have hyper sexual thought. I mean I do have hyper sexual thought before my diagnosis but this time these hyper sexual thought feel different, it like I want to me myself feel like a whore so I can accept the stigma about me. In school sometimes hearing word
that relates to hiv just makes me feel uncomfortable and depressed. It causes me to overthink all the negative stuff about myself. Same will happen to me again when I try to connect with others people. To be honest I don’t even like saying the word hiv while I constantly google hiv cure also every single day. Hoping this pain for go away. I’m also afraid to going to certain places because it reminds me of the events.

To start with I’m a 21 Asian who lives in nyc. I only have sex 3 time. The first two time use protection (both same person) and one today I choose to hookup with another person who is Asian. The person told me, he’s negative and on prep which I trust him and did the thing. At the time I was 18 and uneducated about prep since my doctor never recommended me. Most importantly I never imagined I can get it the moment I chose to had unprotected sex. Being lied to by my own skin color plus getting it the first shot, to me to felt like winning a lottery in a bad way. Yes now I realize how dumb I was at that age.

What funny is that I chose to have sex because I have a family that doesn’t accept me which I do it as disobedient. I guess I got punished for it.

Even now I still having trouble to accept what happened to me after these years. What makes me sadder is that in other people view I look pretty innocent(just a stereotypical Asian twink). Which It makes me more afraid to tell others my diagnosis or what happened to me when guy around my age approached me. I guess not just guy but people in general, I’m really afraid of the disappointment that other people will feel just like my mom and dad. I feel like if I tell people this I will get the “omg I can’t believe this happens to you”.

Ever since I always afraid to being approached and lost of hope in relationship at this age. My avoid attachment got worse also having internal racism thought because people who hurt me the most are always my skin color.

Ever since I got hiv at 18m from having unprotected sex for only time( I have sex on 3 time). I have a lot of mix emotions and one of them is my sexual thought. Every time when my anxiety or stress builds up my hyper sexual thought is getting so bad to a point that I can feel my head tickling. I haven’t had sex ever since.My psychiatrist appointment is in 2 weeks. This time the thought is getting worse than ever. I know this don’t make sense. I really don’t want to have sex but my body just can’t come down.