u/Flimsy-Shift-9079

I (23F) was diagnosed with severe Bipolar 1 at 18yo. I also have a plethora of other diagnosed disorders since mental illness has always run in the family.

I was put on medication right away, it didn’t help. I crashed hard afterwards. Spent 5 years in and out of hospitals, trying, with so much hope and trust in the doctors, dozens of medications, hundreds of different combos and doses but nothing ever worked. I kept getting worse. I can’t even count the attempts, the crisis, the blackouts… During those 5 years, I was technically stable as I was maintained in a state of severe depression, hypersomnia and sometimes psychosis. 5 doctors, all told me they were at a loss and dropped me since they didn’t even know what to do anymore. Some even told me to give up hope and recommended euthanasia. The medication had turned me into a bitter hopeless out-of-her-mind monster by the end.

Until I just said fuck it and stopped seeing doctors, stopped taking medication (kept in touch weekly with my therapist though, I’m not stupid, I know I need supervision). I felt better right away. Still depressed, but at least I had enough energy to get a part time job. Slowly, I was feeling a bit better but still so bad, until my mom convinced me to give one last chance to doctors.

The one she took me to stunned me. After reviewing my file and examining me for a while, she said that medication is just ineffective on me. It doesn’t work, in fact, it makes it worse. It’s a rare thing, as a bipolar 1 is supposed to be on meds but possible. Routines and stable life also doesn’t work on me, it makes it all worse, again, very rare in a bipolar patient to need chaos and a messy life to stay stable. She offered another path. Studying the illness so that I can identify how to make it powerless. What makes it tick, what calms it and to change my whole world so that it gives me the best chances to stay stable and identify an episode at the beginning. Develop protocols to contain the episodes, to wait them out without mortifying consequences on my life. She gave me back hope.

I’m currently 10 months off my meds, I’ve never been more stable, happier, safer. I have a full time job that requires lots of traveling. I love my job and it’s such a mess, it helps me to keep cool. I manage episodes better and better with time, writing down everything I should do differently next time to be even safer. I still have a lot of work to do, but it feels incredible knowing that there is a path for me. I was just wondering if there were other people like me? People who don’t “fit” in the usual recovery system? Even through my many trips to the clinic and to charities and clubs, I’ve never met anyone like that, most people just look at me with annoyance when I share my experience, which is too bad, because one of them might be like me without knowing it.

I (23F) have been diagnosed with ADHD, BPD, C_PTSD, Bipolar 1, Hyperphagia and Hypersensitivity. I've been around therapists my whole life, I currently have a huge team of doctors I'm working with to get better, so know I am watched, safe and taken care of. I've just noticed something I feel weird about and wonder if anyone can maybe relate? I have attempted many many times during my life, it even got to around once a month for the whole of 2025. I haven't attempted in 2026 and don't intend to at all, I am getting so much better and can't wait to see what's next in my life :)

The weird thing is, whenever I had attempted, I'd almost always save myself one way or another. Like, swallow the meds and once I sense myself leaving, call 911. I don't know why, truly. Thing is, I never know either when I'm going to attempt, it always comes by surprise, I never see it coming. Anyway, as soon as I wake up a few days after, at the hospital or something, I always feel so god damn happy, so relieved, like it's a new dawn. I feel so light, I wouldn't know how to explain it, like the attempt in itself cleansed me or something, it's weird. Some think it's because of the attention I get afterwards, but not really since I try to leave the hospital as fast as I can each time, I dismiss it all as temporary insanity, I find logical arguments to convince doctors that it was an accident and that I didn't mean it and I hide it from all my family and friends. I actually hate the attention it's getting each time, it feels like it's my thing and I don't want anyone intruding.

The only times I've heard someone describe such a relief is whenever someone had self harm problem. Mind you, I've never self-harmed in my life. My therapist will probably think I use flirting with death as self-harm but that's absurd, right? I mean, there are times when I miss the feeling of slowly losing consciousness knowing I might not wake up. That inner peace, I've never achieved it any other way. Let me be clear I want to live, I have plans for myself and projects I can't wait to realize okay? Like having a family and a business I have in mind. I don't know, I just wonder if anyone's ever felt the same?

I often write to vent and found this passage a couple months ago I think is interesting to share if anyone can relate? As I said, I was venting, this is emotional writing of unprocessed thoughts and feelings, it's not supposed to be rational but maybe some survivors would find it interesting. What do you think?

 "... I don’t think I became disgusting, there’s no words for what I became. The bullied becomes the bully and they are called assholes, repulsing, as if just because they know what it feels like to be on the receiving end they should never be able to do it also? What a joke. 

Victims get stuck in that image, when you think about it. There’s no such thing as the “ideal victim”, except when it’s a dead one. Shit, you could be a nun and have never sinned in your life, if you get r4ped or attacked, some people will still talk about how you were participating in the propaganda of an institution that is harmful to others. Even a newborn isn’t an ideal victim because they might’ve cried too much or just that fact that they were born could cause a psychotic break for the parents and therefore, to some very cynical and stupid people, they share some of the responsibility for what happened. They say the only ideal victim is a dead one and even that isn’t true. Even dead, people will dig up your past and find ways to blame you for what happened.

But when you’re a survivor, your past isn’t the only thing being scrutinized, your present and future are too. They expect a victim to be perfect, to have never done anything wrong and then to never do anything wrong again. It’s so fucking childish to think going through something that traumatic doesn’t change you. Yes, I’ve been the victim of rumors and manipulation and exclusion and yes I know how awful it is, and you know what? Yes, I’ve also been the one putting other people through it. Because when you’re a victim, you keep wondering why it’s happening, you keep looking for answers and therefore you analyze how it works and you just end up knowing how to do it too and when you finally get out, you can’t afford to be good. You need safety, security, and being kind, complaisant and patient rewarded you with the opposite. People expect more from a victim than they do from an abuser and that’s because they need to believe in the victim to support them. It’s so hypocritical. “If you want support and help, you need to make me like you because I can’t just be a good person, I need a reason to save your life!”. They are the same people who turn on you once you stop being so morally good yourself, once you stop being perfect. They don’t get it. No one gets it. I was not disgusting, I was not an asshole, I was not a horrible human being, I was a survivor and I hate that it bothers so many people that I am as flawed as the rest of them."

In the passage I confess that I have acted like a bully before and let me be clear: I have never started rumors or excluded someone myself or purely out of enjoyment. I have though, for a time in high school, not stopped rumors and exclusions towards other people when I knew it wasn't right and I hate myself for that. I truly hate who I was right after the bullying. The terror of being back at the bottom of the ladder again makes you do crazy stuff, stuff you will regret your whole life, stuff that turns you into the worst version of yourself. Fear is powerful and that's what I left with, that's what I have to live with now and I hope not forever.

I (23F) started a new job a couple weeks ago and so far it’s going well! My colleagues are quite nice even though I can tell I’m being a bit excluded but it’s okay, as an nd person it is to be expected, fitting in can be hard, especially so soon. I try to analyze what makes it so that I’m always the odd one out, the one left behind and I’ve identified some stuff. I struggle to read a room, I talk a lot, especially when nervous and mostly say a bunch of bullshit that doesn’t make sense to anyone but me and the constantly moving around, singing, dancing can get on people’s nerves. I analyze both my behavior and theirs and their reactions so I know what to work on so that I can be less annoying to people around me and so that everything goes well and I can fit in better in my next job.

In my “analysis”, I’ve noticed a colleague of mine (21M) and I are quite similar and he has ADHD too. All the things I’ve noticed I do that either leave people indifferent or cringe them a little, he does them too but when it comes to him I’ve heard people say he’s “so funny” or “endearing” or “golden retriever type”. We’re not that different in behavior or jokes or intensity… We also have the same job and get the same results. Both hyperactive awkward yappers but somehow, he’s charming and I’m a bit weird.

Before you say people have known him longer and I’m just the new kid, I’m not. The place I work at just opened so we’re all new. I swear I keep analyzing and it’s crazy how gender is the only thing differentiating us. Is it something other people have observed?

My contract finishes in 5 months so there is plenty of time to feel more included and tbh given how nice my colleagues have been so far I’m not really worried but I’m just curious as to if I’m the only one who has noticed that double standard

I (23F) suspect I met my twin flame at 18. We had a tumultuous love-hate year and a half long situationship that cut short because of health issues of mine. So alike yet so different, we both felt something stronger we never thought we could and agreed we hated in the other what we hated about ourselves and loved in the other what we loved about ourselves. The connection was out of this world.

We haven’t been in contact for over 3 years yet I haven’t spent a single day without thinking about him once. A week or so ago, I started to wonder if I should reach out so that we could meet and I could move on. See how he’s grown and the person I love does not exist anymore and tat the connection isn’t there anymore. I haven’t told anyone that. A few days ago, I started a new job and my coworker is his actual doppelgänger, appearance, charisma and personality, they are the absolute same and it’s creepy. Thank god he’s gay. I also don’t feel that connection at all despite them being complete twins. Yesterday, my sister told me she randomly found a photo of us from 2021 and felt « zapped » by this sad feeling and knowledge that he was The One and that he got away. She spent the whole day thinking about it. That night, what she said got to my head and I couldn’t sleep all night, I just missed him like he was vital, like I had lost a limb. This morning I posted a selfie on my story and e liked it and I’m freaking out.

All those unrelated events linked to him in such a short amount of time and the fact that all my feelings are flowing back when I thoughtit was all in the past, does it mean something? I’m not well versed in twin flames or spirituality or universe stuff but is our thing back on? I was afraid he’d moved on but he would never like my story if he did, he knows how tense things are between us and he’s quite smart and even more sensitive and delulu than me so I know he thought about what it would mean. I’m sorry, I just miss him so much, does anyone know if I should reach out or if it’s meaningless and I should definitely try to leave it alone?

I (23F) struggle a lot with abandonment and I have BPD. I go to therapy for it etc because I know how unbearable and irrational I can become whenever I feel abandoned, which is why I’m asking here before confronting a friend, I’m just trying to know if it’s my issues acting up or if I’m valid in my anger and disappointment.

I went away for two months for work and I’m back in town for 6 days before leaving again for 5 to 6 months. The last 10 days before I came back, my friend would call me every day to ask me to come home earlier because she missed me and and wanted to spend time before I left again. I couldn’t, as it was work.

When I did, she happened to have just left town with her boyfriend and didn’t know when she’d be back. She comes home today but I’m leaving the day after tomorrow and I’m really busy, so we’ll see each other tonight but not late because she has an important interview tomorrow morning which is fine.

When she told me, I felt myself become angry and started being mad at her, which I stopped right away and apologized. I told her it’s not her, I’m just frustrated and that I apparently still can’t handle my emotions correctly and that I was sorry.

It doesn’t help that my parents left on holiday for the whole duration of the time I’m here and my sister basically kicked me out to another apartment so that she could have parties in my parents’ place. It doesn’t seem like much but to a person with BPD that’s 3 hardcore rejections that realling trigger that abandonment fear which may lead me to be less rational, so I have to be careful about not letting it rule my actions.

I just feel angry and sort of decieved having someone expecting me everyday for 10 days only for them to not be here and go on a trip with her boyfriend whom she sees all the time while I won’t be there often. I asked why would she ask me to come home for 10 days only to not be there and she said it was for organization purposes but clearly she’s misorganized then. I wouldn’t have minded as much if she wasn’t here because she had plans but why make me feel so wanted for so long only not to show up? Idk, I feel angry and like she made a fool of me so I want to confront her but idk if it’s my issues acting up and making me think irrationally and that it’s objectively not that bad or if I’m valid in telling her I felt hurt. WIBTA if I do that?