u/Fluffy_Artichoke_137

I’m new to this whole sp thing I found out about it years ago but I didn’t really take it too far. But I recently went into no contact with my ex it was a messy heartbreaking situation a lot of hurtful stuff was said and I found out there was a 3p like I called him phone one time and she was in the background. Yeah….I was blocked and completely pushed away after I begged and begged since August 9th or the 11th. I’ve been manifesting him these are things I’ve been doing:
Affirmations sometimes
Living in the end
Listening to highfrequncy guru sp/self concept consistently since last Wednesday
And when I get a bad belief I try to ignore it and most times I do but there are times where I cry and think of the old story. And I let myself and say just because I feel this doesn’t mean it will manifest I can’t so I let the tears rip lol. but then I go back to living in the end. But something’s been happening that I’m noticing. I see his exact car in different colors everywhere. I see his last name everywhere. I heard his fav song today at work the day before that I sang that same song out of the blue like hummed it. I see this same guy pop up that looks like him on a TikTok ad all the time and other stuff . Why am I seeing all these things? Yesterday I had a very low day I literally completely thought why am I still doing this? He can have her like this isn’t gonna work I wanna give up but I want this so bad. I got angry and I cried so so hard twice yesterday.there are days where I feel like I don’t even want him but idk if that’s true of if I’m so detached because I know we are together is this normal? Or because I remember the old story sometimes. Should I keep persisting? I’m a newbie. Oh a thing I also do is when I cry I flip it like yesterday I was crying and instead of affirming negatively about it I flip it and made it positive and as if he was saying it. It felt good but idk I feel funny and I’m seeing those signs and there’s been a lot of up and down lately.

I fucked up my first realtionship, we will never get back together. it’s hard for me to find a job. I don’t like my family, I’m a huge mistake and I ruin everything. I hate myself. I will never be a normal girl that anyone would love. Even when I get to remission which I think can be true but bpd will never truly be gone. Can someone please tell me that something is worth it like I have nothing to live for. So why am I here? Because I truly don’t know the ups and downs I have are terrible I feel good I workout things start to look up but when I feel low it’s the worse. I hate to feel the epitome of it all intensely all the time.

Ever since I was very small child I’ve been ignored by everyone. By my family my ex I call my family members name and even say stuff to them like directly at them then minutes later they ask me what I said. I say something to them they look at me then literally look away and start talking to someone else in the room. It’s do fucking disrespectful and I’m tired of not being heard!! And then they said you’ve changed all you ever do is be in your room and u never talk to us anymore when we are all sitting around talking, like why would I bother. Like they will ask me such a fake ass question knowing they don’t actually give a fuck then I get happy even though it feels fake then they blatantly ignore my answer. And said wait what did u say and they all think it’s okay and they just tell me you need to learn to bully your way into talking. Now I have something going on with my health and I hope it’s not cancer. I’ve been going to my ex rays appointment and just doing other reffered stuff that my doctor referred and I can’t even talk to anyone about the fear I have about that or life or what even the fuck my plans are for then next day! i bring up and they say or it’s nothing go lay down. And stop going to the hospital your wasting there time. Like I tell them I’m afraid I have cancer and they say shut up why would h think that and then when I talk about how I’m afraid of it they just are scrolling on there phone and say idk. I hate them and I’m surrounded by them and I wanna escape. My life my whole life has been so painful and sad. Why. I don’t wanna say this because I know it’s bad but I wanna get it out. But I feel like I would be so at peace that maybe this is cancer and I die because I don’t wanna be in pain like this anymore with my family. Or other people because I’m always ignored. So I’m starting to become very depressed and not care. But I don’t wanna think that way I have hopes and dreams and I want peace and I want a husband and kids and I want away from my family forever. I don’t know what to do because I have no one I had my ex but we broke up. I have no friends or anything.

What’s the point? Nothing there’s no point. It’s all about things u could possibly due. I want peace. I’m tired I want rest.

Idk what’s on the other side but I’m done. Im killing myseld. I’m suffering and idk how to pick myself back up. Just tell me you love me don’t tell me why I shouldn’t do this.

I’m leaving my house now I’m in pain emotionally and I don’t know how to fix it it’s unbearable now. I hope his will forgive me for the wrongs I’ve done and the bad thoughts I had. But suicide seems like a sweet dream. My hope is placed in suicide now. And I’m not afraid of that fact anymore. I want rest, I want, peace I wanna be okay I wanna be fixed I want my problems and things I struggle with to not be there. I wanna be a good person. I don’t wanna have borderline personality anymore.

Why do people who commit suicide go to hell when they need mercy most? It’s not fair

When I was with my ex I wanted him to get to know me and I wanted to get to know him when we first dated and then I tried to tell him a way to make me feel loved. Like to show what my love language was Which was through this problem I deal with on a daily basis. I wanted him to know about it and he told me “just let me love u how I want. Just sit back and let me love you.” Now at the end of our relationship we were talking and he told me how he wants a girl and that he’s never actually found a girl that was calm and gentle. But I tried all of that and was that but the more I felt ignored and not loved correctly I became toxic and the problems I struggled with go bigger and toxic….im invisible all my efforts…then he goes to say I tried my all from my prospective but he doesn’t feel that. Then a couple days before he says that he’s scared that he won’t find a girl that will love him like I did. I’m going insane. My heart is broken.