u/Fly0ver

My boyfriend and I had a discussion about marriage tonight and I'm feeling quite hurt and confused.
We've been together for about four years and recently bought a house (it's in his name because he was able to do it on his own, I also wasn’t ready).

During our conversation, he said he wouldn't marry me unless I was earning more money than I currently do. He said it's hard to envision our future because he feels like he would be funding a lot of our milestones, including a wedding and that our relationship feels stagnant.

For context, I don't feel our relationship is stagnant at all. We're both busy, work a lot, and have limited time, so some life milestones have naturally happened slower than expected. I also don't think relationships have to follow a perfect timeline.

What hurt me was hearing that marriage seems to depend on my income or career progression. It made me wonder if his commitment is conditional and whether he loves me for who I am right now. He wants me to potentially join his industry and earn more money, which could be possible in the future.

I'm struggling to process this conversation and would appreciate some outside perspectives. For people who have had different incomes than their partners, how did you approach conversations about marriage and finances? If your partner said they wanted you to earn more before getting married, how would you interpret that and what questions would you ask moving forward.

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EDIT: I spoke to my boyfriend again after reading a lot of these comments because I wanted to better understand what he meant. He clarified that he does want to marry me and sees a future with me. His concern isn't my current salary specifically, but whether we're both financially stable and working towards shared goals before taking big steps like marriage and having children.

He views marriage as a financial partnership and admitted that he's questioned whether I'm in a position to contribute equally to the future we both want. While hearing that initially hurt me, I understand now that his concern is more about long-term compatibility and financial security than a lack of love or commitment.

We're both approaching our 30s, so I think these conversations are becoming more real and important for us. We still have things to discuss, but I wanted to provide this clarification because my original post was written while I was emotional and may not have fully captured his perspective.

(Also thank you everyone for sharing your perspective. I really appreciate it!)

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SECOND EDIT: He has found the post and commented. If anyone wants to go read his perspective.
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LAST EDIT BEFORE I DELETE THIS POST:
Wow, I genuinely wasn't expecting this post to receive such a big response. I've been reading through the comments and I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to share their perspectives and look out for me.
I also realise I left out an important piece of context. Throughout my adult life, I've started several courses and haven't completed them. I'm currently in the process of being assessed for ADHD, and this has been a recurring challenge for me and has likely contributed to some of the friction in my relationship.
I wasn't trying to paint my boyfriend as a villain or seek validation that he's wrong. I made this post because I was hurt by the conversation and wanted outside perspectives on whether my feelings were understandable and how others would interpret a conversation like this.
After speaking with him again, I understand that his concerns are more about long-term financial stability, shared goals and whether we're building the kind of future we both want, rather than simply how much money I currently earn.

How do you handle when an employee in your department but a different team is wholly disrespectful to everyone, all the way up to senior leadership? I’m a manager working under a senior manager who has talked to this employee’s manager about their actions, but their manager sees this person as a rising star who is just trying to prove themselves.

It’s being escalated to the director given the last incident, but what tips do you all have for not taking it personally when someone you don’t manage treats you and your expert opinion in a belittling manner?

(Posting in /askmanagers as well)

How do you handle when an employee in your department but a different team is wholly disrespectful to everyone, all the way up to senior leadership? I’m a manager working under a senior manager who has talked to this employee’s manager about their actions, but their manager sees this person as a rising star who is just trying to prove themselves.

It’s being escalated to the director given the last incident, but what tips do you all have for not taking it personally when someone you don’t manage treats you and your expert opinion in a belittling manner?

I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but I relate an awful lot to the symptoms and the feelings of someone with it. Additionally, I have loved ones with BPD and have done a lot to learn how to help them deescalate, especially during a split. But I don’t want to do the wrong thing here or make a decision for another person without some insight.

There is a newer individual (I’ll call them “individual” throughout) in a wide social circle I’m part of. They already don’t like me after I gray rocked and wouldn’t accept any gifts/love bombing. That’s fine: I focus on being respectful and kind but don’t take anything said personally.

However, recently one of our mutual friends was caught in a lie/gossip by individual. Friend panicked and blamed it all on me before saying that they talked to me, stuck up for the individual and I feel bad and apologetic about the whole thing.

Honestly, I told friend that their actions sucked, they needed to knock that shit off and I wasn’t going to apologize for something I didn’t do, but that it’s probably best that individual blames me because friend is one of the individual’s favorite, safest people in the group. If individual feels rejected or splits on the mutual friend, it won’t just hurt them emotionally and mentally, but they likely won‘t feel comfortable with the group at all and they’ll lose their social circle.

The only negative for me taking the blame is that they’re trying to force other mutuals to reject me, which is putting a strain on other people (including their new partner).

Am I doing the right thing and/or protecting them by taking the blame (and making sure to shut down any other bs I hear), even if it means they’re upset with their partner and other friends for being friends with me still? Or am I going about this all wrong? There’s a lot more at stake if the truth came out. I’ve considered telling their partner, but there’s no way partner won’t eventually tell them.

I definitely know and suggest the typical join a club or sport, go to events, go out and live your life advice—and I do! I’m very socially active.

But my friends and I were discussing the fact that I tend to be into more introverted guys who are out living their own lives—the type in his mid-to-late 30s through mid-40s who is fine being at home, playing board/video games with friends and going out for a bit if it’s for a birthday or game night. Probably working in STEM. The type who would rather cut off an ear than go through online dating again. And who isn’t really on social sites looking for groups to be social with.

What started as a joke basically led to us seriously considering it, so we thought we’d ask here. Seems more like a set up on a blind date situation than anything else—are there blind date groups or sites?

To start, I know about the meeting list on the website and I have the meeting app. But for anyone who has gone to meetings, you know they all have their own character and there are so many in the Minneapolis area.

I’m looking to find AA meetings nearer to NE where there’s a good vibe and long-term sobriety. I have been to the NE Recovery Room, but most of my regular meetings have been in the west metro (3 Legacies, Fox Hall, etc.) Typically I’m free after 5 on weekdays and weekends, although if there’s a good lunchtime meeting downtown, that can work as well.

TIA!

No advice needed or wanted, just stories and comradery with people who get it:

Anyone else have to deal with keeping your mouth closed when friends are complaining about their job and you know immediately that they’re in the wrong? Even with the most skewed perception of only hearing their angry feelings on the thing, they are obviously messed up and are making their situation worse with their telling themselves they’re right?

ETA: ok, “hate” may be too strong a word, but I don’t know how to describe it. Contempt might be more appropriate.

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I’m new to the in-house, corporate world as a lower tier manager. My background includes managing within family-owned/founder-run types of environments. So I’m not sure if this is the norm:

Our department is made up of 4 teams—two that work with outside partners and agencies, two that create the deliverables those teams ask for. The employee hatred between teams is something I’ve never experienced before.

Is this normal in corporate environments!?

I’ve worked in incredibly toxic workplaces, but the employees mostly treated each other as colleagues working together. Not all the time, and there were interpersonal issues as well, but there wasn’t this blame-game, tattle- and use-feelings-as-facts, public vitriol I’m seeing here.

Regardless of normality, is there anything I can or should do? The blame game is a top-down issue and I’m the newest, most junior manager. Most of my colleagues were internal hires who are used to this culture. Many of them have worked here for most of their working lives.

I have a 1:1 with my director next week and a whole-manager meeting as well. The team that has the most anger for the others has a brand new (2 weeks) manager; I have a meet and greet with them and wonder if I should tell them what I’ve seen.

My sister is an organizational psychologist within the HR department of a much bigger, more global corporation. She has said to keep my mouth shut because there are multiple tiers above me who SHOULD be responsible for the culture; either I’m misunderstanding things or this is their responsibility—either this is what they want or there are things happening that I haven’t been made privy to—so speaking up will put a target on my back for upper management and won’t make the issues better for my team.

But I’m also not someone who has historically kept from pointing out what I see could be better, and this culture is hurting my team.

My manager says they’ll support whatever I think is right because they agree the culture is toxic, but the times they’ve brought it up to the other managers, the other managers blame our team for all of their teams issues.

There’s exceptional potential within this department and I overall think it’s a great fit, but the disrespect from other teams is really getting to me and making me wonder if I should leave. However, this could just be normal in a rapidly changing corporate department and won’t be better elsewhere.

This isn’t my first time managing, but I’m newer to marketing (5 years) and new to this industry. I have been working on letting things go after work and not letting it be my identity because I tend to work to the point of burnout.

I’m now 5 months into this role and feel great about the work I’m doing. I’m able to lock-in on the issues and find a solution, and I’ve been creating documentation since none exists currently. My boss and her boss say I’m “kicking ass” and my team is very happy.

But!: I’m exhausted after work all of the time. I let working out go by the wayside so I’m incorporating that back into my life, but I also have an active social life, do volunteer work and have DIY projects at home. All of these things I love and feel energy doing until I stop moving for a second and realize how truly exhausted I am. I tend to sleep through my alarms on Friday which is a pain. I also turned 40 this year and realizing I wake up with aches and pains for the first time.

Any advice on how to keep from burning out or exhausting myself without totally nixing my after work activities? I’m sure a different mindset at work would help as well (I’m now in a much slower corporate environment after a very toxic agency start-up, so understanding that something done doesn’t mean it needs to be done NOW is one I’m starting to understand).