u/Gab_eeK

Okay so I'm not very sure if this is the right sub for this, but I will shoot my shot. I hope this doesn't break any rules.

I'm 16f, tomorrow will be my first psychiatrist visit ever. I have one big fear- mental hospitals. Now, I don't actually think my problems are enough to be put into one, but I want to avoid risking it.

A bit of life lore: (I'm not sure if I'm supposed to spoiler stuff so I will)

>!I've always been hard on myself about the idea of perfection, can be anything (art/cooking/...) but school the most. Nobody really pressured me heavily into getting good marks except myself- now school is a very big thing for me. I spend hours to hours of studying something over and over just to make sure I know every single thing, including the "fun facts." (My friend calls me out on this.) I often get less than 4 ish hours of sleep due to studying and stress from it. Sometimes I finish studying was earlier than like 2 am but I can spend hours crying, convinced that I don't know anything and I'm going to fail. I tend to cry a lot in school too (embarrassing, lmao) whenever I get anything worse than 1/A. I broke down when one of our teachers pulled an April fools prank where he gave all of us 5/Fs, thankfully at home. That really sucked, I was like bawling my eyes out and couldn't breathe.!<

>!About three years back, at the start of a school year, I started self harming and became very suicidal due to a sudden change in the education system in our school and more pressure. As I "got used to it" (more like started tolerating it) I kinda stopped both feeling suicidal and self harming about half a year later. Might be important to note, I have never made a single plan on how to actually commit, I never wrote letters, was close to it, etc. but I had the thoughts.!<

>!Later, I've mostly switched through phases when I was really glad I didn't kill myself, was neutral (most of the time) and occasionally felt very suicidal again. I've had urges to start self harming again but didn't.!<

>!I struggled with body image and eating habits since about 11/12 years old (caused by a homework that told us to count calories for a day, oops) but it was never very visible (just sometimes skipped meals)and mostly in phases again. As I got older, I started fasting sometimes (max of 24 hours, then had a meal, then again..). A couple months ago, I entered my worst "phase" when I genuinely just started starving and dropped a lot of weight. (That was what made my mother actually notice and get me professional help). Since I was already on the lower end of a healthy weight for my height I did drop into underweight numbers, but before I actually got any help I decided to try to recover, causing me to reach the weight I was before the worst of what I assume is an eating disorder. I did regain weight but most of my thoughts never stopped and I still have a couple days when I relapse, but mostly don't last for longer. (I started only eating to make my mother happy to be honest)!<

>!Overall, I'm not very sure what's going on with me for the past few months. I've been feeling very emotionally "frail." When I get into a basic argument with my sibling or something, I break down (often find myself scratching at my face or tearing my hair out) and start feeling like a burden that everybody hates, and use starving (and possibly not drinking) to try and kill myself convinced that everybody wants me to and is tired of me being afraid of actually commiting. Then my mother talks me out of it, I eat to please her, and it's a never ending cycle. Another remark from my sibling sends me over the edge. Again and again. And yes I know I act like a jerk and it's unfair to those who have to deal with this. Yes, I hate myself for it.!<

TLDR: (I don't want to self diagnose or anything, I'll just try to keep this as short as I can)

>!Pushing myself to the idea of perfection, past self harm (stopped), past and present suicidal thoughts, restrictive eating disorder (in physical recovery by myself), weird breakdowns (face scratching, hair pulling) caused by minor arguments and remarks from my sibling resulting in suicidal thoughts.!<

I never had visited any kind of a therapist/psychiatrist/etc. before, except for recent two settings with an "emergency therapist" that mostly talked with me about my eating and school problems, before I get to the psychiatrist appointment (which is tomorrow.)

Like I said, I don't think my problems could get me sent into the mental hospital but I'm still scared and wanna know.

My therapist had told me to be honest about everything when I talk to the psychiatrist, but.. if there's anything that could introduce the possibility of a mental hospital, I'd really prefer keeping it to myself.

And PLEASE before you wave me off, saying stuff like "it's gonna help me" or "it's not that scary", I always had really huge issues with separation from my mother (embarrassing...) I could not go to any school trip, camp whatever that was over a day (meant sleeping) because I would genuinely cry so hard, get really homesick and miss my mother. That has unfortunately not gone down with age, or well- not enough. Nowadays I can go on a couple days trip if I'm in an okay mood and state, but I will probably still get sad and homesick. I'm pretty sure it would not help me and only make me worse.

So please, if any kind soul could let me know, whether they read my personal struggles or just overall, what are the reasons they could refer you to a mental hospital? Also if anybody really just has any words about this, how it works and stuff, I'd really appreciate it.. I'm super nervous haha.

(P.S. I'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, chaos etc. in my post my first language isn't English and I'm a little bit distraught haha)

To my mother, at least.

For context, my ed peaked due to >!suicidal!< thoughts, although I struggled with body image issues, thoughts of weight gain and basically the things that come with a restrictive ed, I genuinely hoped that >!I could kill myself with it.!<

When my mother noticed, became concerned and got me help, most of my problems, including the biggest trigger that >!I didn't want to "live to see"!< passed and therefore, even my ed started to sort of recede bit by bit.

Now I've been in recovery for a couple months, and have mostly been treated "normal." I >!gained enough weight to reach the amount I was pre ed!< and my therapist even suggested that I should start doing exercise because "there are better ways to stay looking good without >!starving!< yourself." So I assume I'm not really even "sick enough" anymore.

That being said, I feel very weird emotionally. It's like I'm constantly on edge, and anything makes me break down.

For example, just a while back, me and my sister got into a minor argument about washing dishes and she said that "she's not going to help me and doesn't give a fuck that I was just doing cleaning stuff for half an hour, she doesn't wanna hear it." Or something like that. Kinda basic sibling arguments.

But I broke down really bad. I was crying my eyes out for a solid hour, >!scratching at my face and pulling on my hair.!< I was very certain that she hates me, that I am hated and >!deserve to die.!<

Something similar happened today. After a very, very long breakdown, I distanced myself and stopped drinking and eating completely. Because my mother "ignored" my entire breakdown (it was actually because she didn't know how to approach it and wanted to give me space) and my sister was well- my sister, I was so convinced I should have >!killed myself!< a long time ago and wanted to achieve that through mentioned behaviours.

My mother eventually called me to dinner, tried to make me eat, or drink at least. She even put the food into one of my favourite plates, even though she dislikes it being used because it fits awkwardly into the dishwasher. But I ignored her rudely.

She approached me later in my room, trying to talk to me. We went back and forth, I kept promising that I'm not gonna be a burden anymore and expressing how I'm pretty sure I just weigh the family down, and she kept trying to convince me otherwise. I could hear her voice being sad and hopeless, she kept pausing and sighing, not knowing how to handle this, which makes sense. I can't expect her to know how to do that, or how to deal with the breakdowns.

But I feel like she hates me if she doesn't and I hate myself for that. I feel like I should >!die!< when my sister gets in an argument with me, and I feel like a burden when my father complains about me or whatever I do.

I don't want to be that kind of a person.

I don't want people to have to tiptoe around me and watch what they say, otherwise I will >!starve, sh or kill myself.!< I want people to be able to be genuine around me and express what they want, but I keep spiraling when they do. It's not fair to them. I'm sorry.

So, I went into recovery by myself, after just a few weeks of heavy restrictions (I had fluctuating episodes and bad thoughts about food for a few years, but only heavily restricted and lost enough to be underweight for like.. two weeks?)

I did the best I could. Tried to stop counting, to honour eh, cravings, to not limit myself at all.. I ate three big meals and multiple snacks. It's been like a month and a half since I went "all in." Yesterday, I weighed myself. I went from >!43kg to 50kg.!< For context, I'm also very short >!(165cm)!< so I'm already at a healthy weight, and at my pre ed weight. I experience severe guilt, body image issues and sensory issues. >!Thighs touching, skin folding all leaves me restless and unable to focus on anything else.!<

I tried to go back to eating at maintenance, but I can't. It just feels too little. After half a day of eating "just" a normally portioned, nutritious breakfast and lunch, I'm so hungry and miserable, food noise is louder than ever.

So for how long will this have to go on?? How much weight will I need to gain? Why am I not done yet, I've only restricted for a few weeks..

For context, I've struggled with food noise and occasional waves of >!restriction!< for years but the worst period >!where I actively restricted/didn't eat at all!< only lasted like two weeks to a month before I was caught and somewhat forced into recovery (quasi one, I'm fairly certain.)

I've been doing my best to deal with guilt, EH, honouring it etc.

But there's one thing on my mind. Since my lowest point, Ive been craving chocolate so much. Anything that has even a trace of chocolate in it makes me drool. I've been trying to give in and honour the cravings, but its scary.

I know people say you usually don't go from an extreme to an extreme, but I'm able to to eat >!thousands of calories!< of chocolate and chocolatey stuff with no signs of stopping. Then suddenly, like soem weird switch in my head, I get sick of it and feel like I won't be ever able to touch it again. (After a few hours/day max, I crave it again.) When I eat, I feel hungry, but like a different kind of hunger. Instead of the hunger I know, its more of an empty, bottomless feeling that feels like it won't ever be satisfied. Something I usually call EH, but I don't really know.

I have no history with binging but it's already been a couple of weeks since I've been in recovery and am at a >!healthy weight!<. Im wondering if I've already recovered and started binging, or if its just a part of the grueling process?

I'm working on giving in to my extreme hunger, but it's so difficult when I know it's not gonna end well. I'm either ravenous, or I'm stuffed and nauseous.

I try to make my meals balanced, it makes me feel better about eating, but no amount of protein and/or fiber really guarantees the result, I have to eat multiple of huge meals to finally be full- only to feel way too stuffed.

I tried spacing the meals out as well, even tho my hunger doesn't let me think of much else when I wait on it.

It's like there's a switch that rapidly goes from awfully hungry to uncomfortably full in a second and there's not the nice, comfy middle. Maybe I've learnt to just see fullness as bad no matter how full I am, but I'm pretty convinced I'm very full either way.

It sucks because it tends to trigger relapses and loss of appetite sometimes even for days, and makes it harder to trust my hunger.

Does anybody know how to avoid this, or at least make it less grueling?

Heya, I'm in recovery from a >!restrictive!< eating disorder. To keep it short, my mother was the one that pushed me to start recovering and get help. She's been very supportive throughout everything, but there's stuff she doesn't know. And sometimes, it's damaging. I'm not blaming her, but I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt me. For example

Her behaviour has shifted over time. She stopped giving me a lot of support just a few weeks into recovery. I'm afraid she believes I'm recovered already, while I'm still dealing with immense guilt and episodes of relapse.

She tends to get angry at me rather than anything else when I skip meals, and stopped pressuring me into eating. Pressure and support was what kept me eating.

Sometimes, when I eat very late because I struggle with extreme hunger, she tells me not to eat anymore. That does a lot to me because I have to convince myself to listen to my hunger. Or at any other unusual time to eat.

Sometimes, she makes jokes about how fast I eat or how much I eat. This really hurts me. She also often complains about me baking and cooking all the time, but that's what gets me eating.

I wanna say I'm very grateful of her overall support and I'm aware that some people have it worse. Still, I want to talk to her, express my feelings and ask for support and help in recovery. I've never found a reason to recover for myself- I'm doing it for her and for my friend. That's why her understanding and support is very important to me.

I wanted to ask if you guys have any videos, articles or whatever else I can refer to, or ask her to watch so she could maybe understand my position and recovery as a whole better? Or if you have any ways I could ask for help and could suggest them please? I feel really lost but know I can't do this alone and need her help. Thanks for any thoughts:)

Hi y'all, I just have a quick question about recovery. I see everybody saying stuff like "you should always honour your hunger even if you ate shortly before or already had food" etc. but I hardly ever mention cravings. Sometimes, I had just finished a filling meal and I'm not exactly hungry but I'm craving some snack (lately it's been >!chocolate chip cookies or pb&j sandwiches!< the most). Am I supposed to honour those as well or should I not "overdo" it?

>!Ice cream, milkshakes, McFlurry, oreos, cookies, chocolate!<... before my ed, I used to either dislike some of these foods (oreos) or crave them once in a while. Once a month, maybe even once a year.

Since I started >!restricting!< I started craving them badly every day, although I obviously didn't have them because I was well- >!restricting!<

Now trying to be in recovery, even if I decide to have them once of twice (even though it's obviously very >!triggering!< for me to have those foods) the craving doesn't stop and I want them next day again. And then the next day.

Is that bad? >!I'm scared that if I keep indulging, I'll get fat.!< Should I instead try to stick to a healthier diet in (attempted) recovery, and will these cravings ever stop?

I'm in recovery from a >!restrictive!< ed, but it feels very "frail" and I'm constantly at the edge of a relapse. I'm recovering just physically, but not mentally. Just a few days back, after a particularly bad relapse, I was trying to get into recovery again and had a day when my extreme hunger was absolutely wild. I was eating basically nonstop all day (not an exaggeration) and felt pretty >!guilty!< about it.

It was 11pm already, I had eaten a filling dinner maybe an hour or 2 ago but I got super hungry again, the uncomfortable kind that doesn't let you think about anything else. I got up and started making myself >!a pb&j!< in hopes to get at least somewhat full.

I want to make it clear, my mom has been absolutely supportive of me and has been helping me with dealing with my ed. She got me mental help (I'm not seeing anyone currently, there's some waiting time) and I could also talk to her whenever I needed. And I'm really grateful for that.

But that day, she saw me and told me not to eat anymore. To save it for tomorrow, that it's late already. Maybe it's childish, but I was so unbelievably hurt. I'm having a hard time >!getting myself to eat!< and resisting >!food noise and feeling just terrible and disguise over eating,!< especially as much as I do when extreme hunger hits. I spent so much effort trying to convince myself that what I'm doing (honouring my hunger) is not wrong and I should be doing exactly that- only to be told the exact opposite by the person I trust the most. I went to sleep hungry.

Maybe I'm making this a way bigger deal than it needs to be, but it triggered a relapse that I can't stop right now. >!Ive been fasting as much as I can since (I get forced to eat some meals, but I've been getting out of them as much as I was able)!< and I just genuinely >!want to die from this because I feel so disgusting and hated.!< I know I'm acting spoiled and ungrateful, because there are people with way worse parents that don't support them or maybe even feed into their ed, but I just can't help feeling this way.

But the thought was stuck in my head for days. Was she in the right? Is it really better to ignore your hunger because it's too late/early/any other not so usual time to eat?

A little bit of a more lighthearted post, I just wanted to share my experience.

You know how when you're a child, you kinda have to fool around with food to learn how to act around it? Like you have to eat too much of sweets and stuff once to know it doesn't feel good and you're not supposed to eat so many sweets. You have to find out what it's like yourself because your parents won't convince you.

Well now, because of my ed- >!restricting (which also caused for me to cut out sugar almost completely because I just didn't have the space for it)!<, my cravings and deficiencies and everything all added up and now that I'm in recovery (or at least trying to be), combined with extreme hunger, I tend to act the same way a child inexperienced with food would. Idk if I have forgotten how food works but my body has to relearn it.

I literally had a ton of chocolate today. Like a lot, to a point it didn't feel super good. (The only thing that felt good was satisfying my cravings after months.) I also crave other stuff like cookies, even Oreos that I used to hate. All of this I'd never eat nor crave every day, but since depriving myself of it for so long, I crave it at least twice or thrice a day and I'm pretty sure I'll have to overeat it to get back to normal. It makes me feel guilty but at the same time I find it funny. I hope the day I don't crave it so much comes lol.

That's probably all, it's p embarrassing but I figured I'd share it and maybe see if anybody feels the same. I hope this makes sense😭

It's been a big wall in my recovery attempts because I'll be getting mental help in a month or so and I keep postponing actually stopping >!restriction!< because >!I'm just on the edge of underweight bmi for my age, gender and height. Still under 18 bmi but on the edge for my parameters nontheless.!<

>!If I start properly eating now, I will for sure gain weight and won't be underweight anymore- in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not anymore and am just at the end of a healthy bmi. So I don't "qualify" for anorexia.!< I don't mean to "promote ed" or anything, they're just genuinely my thoughts.

I'm scared I won't be taken seriously.

I'm just a few months from my lowest point, and one foot into recovery, but gods it's hard.

I'm in my first very serious relapse. >!I unmuted calorie counting subs, started counting and restricting to 500-700 calories a day.!<

>!All that because I genuinely became disgusted with my body after gaining a few pounds.!<

Or at least, I tried. It's been a few days and I'm already breaking down and >!"quitting" restricting. I ate 1000 calories today. I feel disgusting.!<

I used to be able to >!go two days with a single 200 calorie meal multiple times in a row, I used to be able to resist hunger, cravings...!<

It's just impossible for me now. I know I should want recovery, but I can't. >!At the same time, somehow I can't go back to restricting either.!< I feel stuck.

Does anybody experience the same thing?

Hi everyone, I've been attempting a recovery from a >!restrictive!< ed for white a while. During that, I've ran into many walls and barriers, including one that I've been having a hard time to overcome.

I don't feel very well when I eat. Not that I'd be nauseous, I just feel.. dirty. It's hard to explain. I just feel like there's something excess in my body and can't wait for it to get out.

I've found out that the best ways to suppress it is to eat "healthy." >!Not necessarily low calorie, because one of the biggest challenges I'm trying to overcome is to stop counting those,!< but stuff like >!greek yoghurt bowls, a lot of veggies, fiber, protein.!< It doesn't do it 100%, but it helps sometimes.

Does anybody know what I mean? And is there a way to overcome it?

Hi, I'm 16 and I'm relapsing after just a few days in recovery from a >!restrictive!< ed.

Everything was going pretty well until >!I started seeing weight gain actually on my body.!< I immediately bounced back to where I was at my mental lowest. I can't help it.

But at the same time, I'm tired and I don't want to give up on recovery, I'm miserable. >!I just can't stand the weight gain.!< I'm not seeing any professional currently (first sitting in about a month), but I know I can't do it on my own.

My mom knows about my ed and was the one who made a move to get me help. I thought of approaching her. But I don't know what support to request.. tracking my meals? Checking in? Would it be selfish to ask for acknowledgement and some sort of "praise" after finishing a meal? I feel pathetic, I don't know what to do.

There's also emergency therapy service kind of thing nearby. Should I ask her to try and take me there until the month or so passes?

I just need anything, advice, encouragement, experiences. Please help.