u/GiftenZeeM9

Following on from yesterday's post re. Finding Solace in Community -

I may have touched on religion, which is inevitable, given my history of trauma therein.

Recently, I dodged another proverbial bullet. I found myself tugged quite urgently towards one major religion. With the help of select friends and family, I was able to find the space to question without condemnation. Not to say that I wasn't still shaming myself for not being able to practice and study this new faith alongside my psychosis... 🤨 however! I came to a conclusion with much more speed and gentility than I had ever thought possible. Monotheism is no good for me, and that's okay!

Since then, I have been able to find so much delight in returning to my favourite Tibetan chants and the slow exploration of secular (pagan) practices that have helped me to feel a strong connection to the earth.

My current fixation is a recording of the Eleven-faced dharani - Avalokiteshvara, with supporting instrumentals by Margot Reisinger. 🥰

I would love to hear from folk who have similar or adjacent journeys and experiences. What gems have you been able to access in your healing work?

I am a mixed-race person in my 30s living in the UK.

My genetic makeup means that I identify with numerous globally marginalised groups.

I'm also queer.

With all the comorbid conditions I have been experiencing, I experience much duality. At the same time, it also feels as though I enter a wheel of choice and am tugged towards different aspects of my identity. It is confusing, stressful, and exhausting.

When it comes to my background of religious trauma, I have found that the different parts of my ethnic heritage intersect with different world religions, bringing different levels of intensity and manic curiosity.

Recently, I turned to one religion. At the time, I felt a strong cultural resonance. It thought, perhaps it will bring the discipline and structure that I crave. For better, I think, I was able to confirm anew that the God aspect of it was a deal breaker for me.

Thankfully, I had already been investing time in my neighbourhood by visiting different stores and getting to know the shop keepers within. So it was not an enormous wrench in the moment that I understood that I couldn't practice that religion with any honesty.

I have indeed found so much solace, support, and joy in the community that I seem to have created for myself. I recognise that there are dominant parts of my heritage and that I will always lean towards those first and foremost.

But it doesn't mean that I have to neglect the other parts of myself. I thought that I could only choose one. That doesn't have to be. In fact, for the sake of full integration, it is better if I allow myself space to explore all of these parts gently within criticism.

I wonder if there are others here who may find similarities with what I have shared. :)

Has anyone found themselves drawn to a "new" religion that they haven't grown up with? I say this as someone who was conceived and born to parents who met inside a global cult.

I don't know if I have been dipping my toes into different institutions as a process of elimination this whole time. Every time I get past a certain point, I experience intense cognitive dissonance because I crave the order and discipline from an external source, but it always comes down to this: I find myself unable to accept God as a higher power. I don't think that I actually want to worship God. At the same time, I find that the term atheist doesn't quite align with what I feel myself to be.

It's not exactly straightforward with all the psychological chaos. But what I have noticed is that there isn't really an allowance for those who suffer from religious trauma. It tends to be: find a different expression for your higher power. Or, just have faith. Even a tiny bit.

I recently converted to a new religion and found myself really questioning my choices. On the surface, it felt like it made sense for cultural and ancestral reasons. Again, it boiled down to this: God, as an entity, is a deal breaker for me. I was also experiencing waves of mania, so it seemed that I wasn't exactly " mentally sober" when I made that choice.

Does anyone else have any such experiences?

In recent years, I have come to a "working conclusion" that I am generally quite bipolar in terms of how I identify.

Of course, the journey is ongoing, so any conclusions can only be made in the present tense.

In my childhood, I was a total tomboy and remember feeling devastated when I got puberty.

Generally speaking, I do not enjoy having breasts, especially because they are so fecking heavy.

In my most recent episodic breakdown, I felt so much anger and distress. I just wanted to be rid of them.

I also feel a lot of affirmation in letting my body hair be and not shave.

Can anyone else relate?

Today, I experienced the pleasure of a group of teenage snots asking questions about my appearance. The types that inevitably lead to misogynist language.

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More and more, I find myself getting enraged about having to manage my person and reactions to other people's children, no matter what age or gender they are, although boys and men seem to be desperate to show themselves up.

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Is it just me, or does anyone else get angry about the complete lack of manners and home training?

I am also bipolar and struggle to hold myself from using aggressive language.

It's sad but also so telling to see how much you don't know about me.

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As if I would make myself an open target of your rage. You can say whatever the fuck you want about me posting shite and trying to get your attention as you say.

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You're way off the mark, mate. No contact means no contact. Stay away means stay away. Message received.

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I do not have so little shame that I would humiliate myself thus.

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Also, I'm absolutely fucking exhausted. I do not have the wherewithal to engage in sadomasochistic bullshit anymore.

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The internet can be a profoundly stupid place. And thank fuck I can mind my own business most of the time unless my brain decides to screw me over and embarrass myself. Fuck that.