u/Good-System-7334

It started out as finding a friend at the start of university. We got along very well, had so many things to talk about, dealt with everything in an emotionally mature way, and became very close over a few months. I started having beyond platonic but not really romantic feelings, and she eventually fell in love with me completely. We tried a situationship thing and tried to make it work. However, it turns out that I could not make myself actually want to be in a romantic relationship with her, both because of sexuality and my general inclinations when it came to partners.

During the three months we tried to be in a situationship and work towards a relationship when I was ready, I was plagued by the worst crippling anxiety I've ever felt in my life (I typically don't react to things with anxiety) on a daily basis. I was honest about not knowing where it would lead, but probably downplayed the severity of how much I was going through emotionally on a daily basis. Eventually, after enduring about 3 months of that, I knew deep down that this wasn't going to work, and was open about it with her. We navigated this together and she decided it was time to stop trying for a relationship, even though she really didn't want to. I was honestly relieved and knew deep down that I wouldn't even want to stay friends or continue our relationship in any way (including talking etc.). After dealing with some logistics and saying some last words over a few weeks, we mutually went no-contact. We always communicated really well, made space for the other, and never argued. Obviously we each had our own issues and shortcomings, but we dealt with every challenge in the most mature way we could've.

It's so rare to find someone like this. So close to a lifelong *something*, yet so far. Had our romantic inclinations aligned, we would've had a good and healthy relationship. Had neither of us been able to fall in love with the other, we would've become very good lifelong friends.

We still go to the same school, sit in the same classroom, have a few mutuals in school. (This will continue for another few years.) Sometimes, when convenient, I would take a glance at how she seems to be doing from afar. One time she looked particularly bad so I told my mutuals to check on her and support her in whatever ways they can, but not mention anything about me whatsoever. But I can't engage much with her life now, nor do I plan to.

Hell, I just want her to be happy. I don't have the capacity to be there for her, even though I want the best for her, and would want to help her with anything if I could. I want her to exist in a world without dealing with this headache of the dynamic with me, and I don't want to deal with all the complexities of this either. I don't want either of us to struggle with this. Both of us probably have enough things on our plate.

Maybe, just hypothetically, I would meet her again at the end of our journeys in life. I would let her know that I have always remembered and cherished our relationship, that I have always cared, and acknowledge that we were never meant to be in each other's life for long. Everything else has been said and done already.

I'm still sad about it. I still wish something could've worked out. I haven't thought much about this in a long time, and have spent so much of the last few months discovering what I liked and was passionate about without the involvement of other people. Today, I was packing up my things and everything hit me again. I miss the connection we had. It's like a piece of me was taken away. I really wish something would've worked out.

I'm trying to figure out if it's a temporary effect from the binge drinking or caused by something else that I need to take note of moving ahead, because my voice also gets cooked if I accidentally dose a regular medication improperly (no serious effects from that but I would just like to adjust to the right dose).

I had a bunch of 56%/112-proof clear Baijiu in my room and about 2 nights ago, I decided to finish everything I had left. I consumed 7-8 standard drinks' worth of that right from the bottles (I used a calculator). Then I went around the university campus that I was staying in for an hour without water on me, intended to drink water when I got back to my room, but ended up accidentally leaving the water bottle uncapped on my bed and spilling all the water. I was too dizzy to get up and get water from the dispenser outside my room, so I just rested there for about 5 hours that night before I got up early in the morning and got hydrated.

I've also noticed my voice getting a bit cooked the other times that I've taken a good amount of this without water. My voice is still cooked 2 nights later this time. I'm wondering if anyone else notices a similar effect from alcohol.

Also I've decided to quit completely after this incident (I never had a period of drinking super regularly, but I notice all the problematic signs and cravings etc.) and put in place a lot of measures and reached out for support to stop myself from going further into addiction. So don't worry about me. I'm just here to ask if anyone else noticed this kind of effects.

(Please excuse my lack of proper terminologies. I'm just a 20yo kid with no extensive experience with different kinds of alcohol, and don't intend to dive further into the world of alcohol because I'm a prime candidate for addiction.)

I am going to preface this by saying that I haven't been drinking frequently yet, only on 7 days in 2026 and usually to relieve short-term medical problems that don't improve with anything else. HOWEVER, I'm noticing that I'm on the track to chronic alcohol abuse because of a bunch of things, and I'm just above the legal age to purchase alcohol in my country:

- I've been exclusively drinking high proof stuff without adding anything, and sometimes without food. I usually have like 4 standard drinks on an occasion.

- I like that it relieves my psychological pain, like all my shitty life things and shitty PTSD don't matter, and I feel generally pleasant

- I have minimal negative effects (none of which make me feel subjectively affected much) and barely get hangovers (I wake up the next morning and feel AMAZING).

- Although it for sure dampens the ability of my mind to do things, I can still operate well enough to do moderately basic things and mask the intoxication to other people and there are also no physically visible signs that I have consumed alcohol

- I don't currently have friends to talk to who know much about struggles with substance abuse

I have a shit ton of serious PTSD that I have been in treatment for for more than 2 years now, with a lot of improvement, and I was managing decently without any substances over most of the last few months. However, of course I still have to deal with most of those issues on a daily basis because therapy is a very long process and you can't rush trauma recovery.

On a rational level I know how bad any amount of alcohol is to my health. I am a medical student and learn about that a lot. At the back of my mind, I am also aware of how irresponsible it would be to my own learning and my future patients to keep this up. My life has been a shitshow in multiple ways for most of it, and I was on the right track to dealing with my life long-term. I don't know why it doesn't feel worth it anymore to stay sober. Like actually, I'd rather the pain go away and stay away than have some long-term sustainability. Also, the social culture around drinking makes it seem more like a casual habit than it should be taken.

I don't currently have access to alcohol for another half a day or so but I can easily get access to it after that. I am also going to be seeing my therapist before I can get access to alcohol.

Any tips and advice would be appreciated.

I'm not comfortable posting pictures for privacy reasons, but I am very happy with my body apart from this one thing a horrible medical issue did to me over the last few years---it made my chin (not the rest of my jaw) grow unnaturally, especially in the forward direction, distorting the overall shape of my face. I really hate seeing it and just want my chin to look like how it did before this issue got bad, which involves just a few millimeters of shaving over a limited area. I have lots of selfies with no filters through the years to serve as an accurate reference for what I want.

I'm concerned about surgeons doing more than the extent that I want done, towards an appearance more aligned with the current trend in aesthetic procedures rather than simply reverting this one trait of my body back to how it looked when I was comfortable with it.

As a young East Asian woman who doesn't look or dress too conventionally feminine, who doesn't have a partner or supportive parents to advocate for me, I don't want surgeons inserting their own opinions of what would make me look "better" or "more attractive", or even just habits from what is conventionally done when I see the before/after photos of GOOD surgeries involving that area (I don't want to follow the paths of celebrities, I just want to look like myself before a medical issue distorted my face shape). Especially a concern because I would probably be doing this alone, in another country, and will have no control or awareness of what would actually happen during the procedure.

I am a Singaporean living in Singapore, and it's most likely too expensive and not feasible to get this done in my country (I need to be over 21yo to make decisions without my parents' consent in my country and I would be in for a very busy school year when I turn 21). I don't know where to go, how much it would cost, and what I should expect to get this done safely and reliably over the next year. If I can get the results I'm looking for, which should be very feasible for a surgeon with enough skill and adherence to my own choices, I am clear that this is something that I want to do. The medical issue has put me through way too much suffering over the last few years, it is more or less resolved now but this part of my face has distorted permanently from it and I would be much happier if this change was reverted.

Medical transition history: I went on T for almost 3 years (since I was a little under 17yo) and could not stop or reduce my dose too much because of other medical issues, and basically physically transitioned even though I became clear that I didn't actually want to transition within the first week. I also ended up socially transitioning and being known as male in university because I thought it was the path of least resistance (considering my physical changes), but it turned out to make me extremely uncomfortable. **I only recently managed to start physically detransitioning** and it's a relief from so many things.

The problem: Before I went on T, I dealt with lifelong body dysmorphia from not looking "perfect". I was objectively considered quite conventionally attractive, but I would nitpick all my physical features and none of them felt right. It's almost like I didn't know how to have a human, physical body. My parents paid a lot of attention to physical traits (on both me and others) and commenting on them as I was growing up, and I was able to roam around the Internet freely and "judge" every person I saw. I also grew up under eurocentric beauty standards when I was East Asian in ethnicity and a lot of my traits were just really different from what was admired. This problem started even before then, but I also went through CSA when I was 6, which probably made things even worse.

Towards the later teenage years where I thought I could have some kind of gender dysphoria, I also began thinking of normal healthy female physical traits, like facial fat and fat distribution stuff, physical proportions, etc. as "less than" and was glad to finally escape it for myself once I went on T.

All the effects of T gave me intense dysphoria and made my body feel like it wasn't mine, but it made my physical traits more "ambiguous" and fit some fucked up beauty standards that are not built for actual humans (see: much less buccal fat, less subcutaneous fat overall, longer eyelashes, personally my skin tone also changed). These traits did not make me feel like myself, and I knew I could not bear living with a body like that much longer. But all this distress and incongruence, plus uncovering and spending most of my energy dealing with my actual psychological problems once I got on T, masked the original physical dysmorphia that I had. I got a break from that particular issue.

Now, knowing that I no longer need to see my body continuing to be corrupted like that gave me a lot of relief, and I know I cannot continue living just being masculinized like this, but as I anticipate relief from all this and returning more to how my body was before I went on T, all these issues with body dysmorphia start to come back. I start feeling sad and disappointed somewhere deep down that I would essentially become "normal" again, like typical women, and not some unnatural, abnormal amalgamation of traits.

I know that it is very unhealthy, but I can't stop. I've grown up like this and am disappointed to find out that it has not gotten better after 3 years of making a lot of progress dealing with many of my other psychological issues.

I have been in weekly therapy with a therapist that actually effectively helps me for more than two years now, but because of the sheer amount and variety of issues in my life, I've been spending all my sessions dealing with and making progress in a ton of other issues and not this specifically.

The medical part of this ordeal aside, does anyone else have experience with similar issues regarding your original body and how have you managed to get better? What directions should I work on?

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Clarification about my flair

While I don't identify with being nonbinary or any specific gender at all, I have had terrible experiences growing up as a neurodivergent female, and still often feel uncomfortable being perceived or specified as female. On top of that, I don't feel the need to identify or specify myself as female except in relevant contexts, just like how I don't feel the need to identify with or specify my nationality except in relevant contexts and discussions.

When I was just a neurodivergent kid, I used to question all the rules in society and only took what made sense to me. A lot of the rigid structures around gender classification felt really unnecessary to me, so I don't feel good about continuing to enforce that on myself.