u/Hot_Surround7459

My period has been 7 days late this month and a lot more painful than usual. I got notified it had started by what essentially was the elevator scene from the shining happening on my kitchen floor.

Now I am having cramps that feel like labour contractions and feeling very faint, nauseous, and also like I might shit myself at any given moment. My legs also keep going tingly.

I’ve taken pregnancy tests so I know I wasn’t pregnant. I also live alone and driving to the hospital in this condition is out of the question but I’m quite worried about potentially passing out.

Take it from someone whose avoidant ex broke up with them last August.

I remember the day vividly. It still hurts to think how utterly hopeless I felt for so long. That breakup was worse than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life and I’m a survivor of complex trauma.

In my case, he did end up coming back. Multiple times. Once he realised I was no longer attached to him, he ended up being the clingy one. (Funny that)

An avoidant breakup has an odd way of forcing you to confront yourself.
Before, I was intensely anxious. I still have anxious tendencies, but now I recognise them for what they are. The biggest realisation wasn’t about him. It was about me!! There is absolutely no way I would’ve stayed with him if I’d have respected myself. And I think that goes for a lot of people who have stayed with avoidants who treat them poorly.

The devastation I felt wasn’t because I’d lost someone I loved but because I had built my entire sense of self around him.

This is why I think there’s such a strong overlap between limerence and people who struggle the most after an avoidant breakup. When you’re deeply dissatisfied with your own life, it’s easy to attach your identity to another person.

You find someone who embodies qualities you admire at that particular time in your life.

That they’ll become the missing piece that finally makes life feel meaningful.

For me, that has often been men.
But if that person is avoidant, or simply doesn’t want the relationship you do, they leave. And when they do, it feels like your whole world collapses.

The relationship wasn’t providing security. Your ego was. You outsourced your self worth to another person, and when they disappeared, so did the version of yourself you had built around them.

So I guess my advice is for anyone that has been broken up with by an avoidant:

Don’t bother trying to get them back. You are doing yourself a disservice. And they won’t anyway.

I truly see my breakup as one of the most important things that happened to me. Try and be introspective about why this has affected you so much and why you are trawling online forums trying to get your ex back.

I’ve just been through a really difficult time at work. I was harassed and, after a long process, it ended with a settlement. I’m now officially unemployed (which is honestly a relief!), but I feel completely mentally drained and really need to get away for a while.

I think I need a bit of space to decompress and figure out what I want to do next. I’m hoping to travel at the beginning of August, but I’ve never travelled solo before, so I’m feeling a bit nervous.

I’m sure I’ll be fine once I actually get there, but I’d love some recommendations. I’m based in the UK and I’m open to pretty much anywhere, although somewhere in Europe feels like a good first solo trip. Long haul destinations like Thailand or Bali are definitely on my list, especially for a wellness retreat, but I think I’ll save those for later in the year once I’ve found my feet a bit.

I think what I’m most anxious about is… what if I don’t enjoy being on my own? Will I get bored or feel awkward? I’m not the most outgoing person, but I’d love the opportunity to meet other travellers if it happens naturally.

All recommendations welcome :-)

I managed to settle for over 2 x my net annual salary.

Just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who provides advice on this sub.

Especially to the legal professionals. I feel truly indebted to some of you and the advice you give is incredibly valuable. This place is such a great resource and it’s really important that things like this are available to people like us. It is really daunting going up against big companies with expensive lawyers. This subreddit helps level the playing field.

To other LiP’s going through this process: keep going, you got this :-)

Harassment and sex discrimination claim in England.

One of my R’s didn’t submit their ET3 within 28 days I received an email today from the ET saying a default judgment may be applied and asking for my wage, holiday entitlement etc. I’ve seen differing opinions as to whether a judgment is ever applied.

The R who didn’t respond was the person that harassed me, whereas the employer responded in time and their ET3 was accepted.

Funnily enough, both respondents got the same message from the ET. It looks like they have passed it for both of them:

To the Respondent(s),
You did not present a response to this claim.
Under rule 22 of the Employment Tribunal Rules of Procedure, a judgment may now be
issued. You are entitled to receive notice of any hearing, but you may only participate in
any hearing to the extent permitted by the Employment Judge who hears the case.

Second letter was addressed to me and said:

The respondent has failed to present a response to your claim within the 28 day period
provided by the Rules, and a judgment could now be issued. This would avoid the need for
you to attend the Tribunal to give evidence at a hearing. However, the Employment Judge
is unable to consider whether to do this unless you write to us explaining how much you
are claiming and showing how you have calculated that figure.
Please tell us in writing within 7 days

I’m assuming this is just an error by the ET, as the first respondent submitted their et3 in time?

EDIT: I should add, the et3 was due June 8th.

(Cross posting from the cathelp sub, hoping for some advice)

In the UK, we’re experiencing a heatwave of temperatures hitting 40c.

For anyone from a hot country that is going to say “that’s a normal summer for us”… we Brits have heard that countless times but our homes just are not built for heat. They keep heat trapped and only around 5% of homes have AC. If you haven’t experienced a British heatwave then you won’t understand.

I live in a top floor flat and the temperature sits at around 5c warmer than outside temps.

That means when temperatures reach 40°C, my indoor temperature will exceed 45°C.
My cat is an indoor cat, and I am so worried about how she will cope.

I don’t have air conditioning, and I wasn’t able to buy a portable unit in time because they sold out everywhere. The only cooling I have is a fan.

I’m seriously considering calling in sick to work over the next few days so I can take her somewhere cooler. I’ve made sure she has plenty of fresh water and I’ve taken every precaution I can think of, but I would be so irresponsible to her alone in those conditions. I would rather risk my job than put her in danger.

Today I closed all the blinds to keep as much heat out as possible. Unfortunately, I have a skylight in the ceiling that sits around 15 feet above my head, so I can’t reach it to close or cover it. I suspect that’s contributing significantly to the heat buildup.
When outdoor temperatures reached 27°C, I came home to find my flat sitting at 33°C.

That’s already too hot. If anyone has any tips to keep a top floor home cool, or what to do for pets in hot weather it would be massively appreciated.

In the UK, we’re experiencing a heatwave of temperatures hitting 40c.

For anyone from a hot country that is going to say “that’s a normal summer for us”… we Brits have heard that countless times but our homes just are not built for heat. They keep heat trapped and only around 5% of homes have AC. If you haven’t experienced a British heatwave then you won’t understand.

I live in a top floor flat and the temperature sits at around 5c warmer than outside temps.

That means when temperatures reach 40°C, my indoor temperature will exceed 45°C.
My cat is an indoor cat, and I am so worried about how she will cope.

I don’t have air conditioning, and I wasn’t able to buy a portable unit in time because they sold out everywhere. The only cooling I have is a fan.

I’m seriously considering calling in sick to work over the next few days so I can take her somewhere cooler. I’ve made sure she has plenty of fresh water and I’ve taken every precaution I can think of, but I would be so irresponsible to her alone in those conditions. I would rather risk my job than put her in danger.

Today I closed all the blinds to keep as much heat out as possible. Unfortunately, I have a skylight in the ceiling that sits around 15 feet above my head, so I can’t reach it to close or cover it. I suspect that’s contributing significantly to the heat buildup.
When outdoor temperatures reached 27°C, I came home to find my flat sitting at 33°C.

That’s already too hot. If anyone has any tips to keep a top floor home cool, or what to do for pets in hot weather it would be massively appreciated.

Hello,

I’ve been in settlement negotiations with my employer for the past five days. They are represented by a large law firm and all discussions have been conducted on a without prejudice basis.

For context, the claim concerns allegations of sexual harassment involving a very senior executive. I am deliberately understating how serious the conduct was as not to identify myself.

From the outset, their approach has been quite robust.

They anchored low, repeatedly told me my valuation was unrealistic, suggested I was being unreasonable as a litigant in person, and raised the issue of costs.

They also maintained that they would not offer more than what they considered to be a realistic Tribunal valuation. Since then, however, they have increased their offer significantly beyond their original position, which has left me questioning how much of their earlier stance reflected their genuine assessment of the case versus negotiation tactics.

I’ve handled the negotiations myself without legal representation and have managed to increase their position by around £30,000 from their opening offer.

Having now seen their ET3, my confidence in the merits of my case has increased rather than decreased. In my view, it does not meaningfully address some of the more serious allegations and appears to rely heavily on a small number of arguments that have been repeated throughout the negotiations.

I feel like because I’m unrepresented, they are taking advantage of my anxiety and the sensitivity of the situation. It involved indecent images.

They also admitted in their et3 they fired him for gross misconduct, breach of their harassment policy, whilst simultaneously denying I was sexually harassed.

Advice appreciated, really not sure what to do.

Do Vento bands and tribunal compensation awards increase each year? If I started ACAS Early Conciliation this year but the case did not reach a hearing for, say, four years, would any eventual award be calculated using today’s figures or the figures applicable at the date of judgment?

At the settlement negotiation stage of an Employment Tribunal claim, is there any value in referring the other side to relevant case law that you believe supports your position, or is that generally a waste of time?

I’ve received a detailed response from the respondent’s solicitor explaining why they disagree with my valuation of the claim. There is a Tribunal decision which I believe is factually similar in a number of important respects and which appears to support my assessment of risk and value. There are several important factors they have brushed over - which I have been advised are incredibly important and previous ET’s have condemned behaviour like this.

Hey all,

I am 33yo and single, looking to get a mortgage in the next year if possible. I would be a first time buyer.

My personal circumstances are bad and good.

For around the last 6 years I’ve been in certain situations that have affected my credit score.

I’ve never had a CCJ or bankruptcy, but I have had several defaults on my file, with the latest one being 2024.

This year, I have wiped out all my debt, I am completely debt free and have around 50-60k saved for a deposit. My income is 35k, and I’ve got no dependents.

Just really worried I won’t be able to get a mortgage anywhere because of my credit file. Advice from anyone else who’s been in similar circumstances welcome :-)

Hey all,

I’ve posted here a few times previously.

I’m in England. The short version is that I brought a claim arising from what I say was sexual harassment by the most senior manager in my company over a period of around four months. The conduct was entirely digital and took place across multiple platforms, including company systems, and I retain evidence of this.

I’ve been engaging with the grievance process for several months now, am still awaiting the outcome, and remain employed by the company.

Today, I was approached by the company with a settlement offer equivalent to one year’s salary. This is before any negotiation has taken place.

I’ve already filed my ET1, obtained a merits assessment, and had my Schedule of Loss reviewed. However, I have not yet provided my Schedule of Loss to the company, nor have I told them the outcome of the merits assessment.

They seemed very keen to get matters resolved quickly. I was told today that “we can get this sorted in a few days”, as in they believe an agreement could be reached and signed by next week.

I also have an outstanding DSAR due in around two weeks’ time, following a two month extension. I have yet to receive the outcome of my grievance, and I reach two years’ service at the end of June.

I’m just wondering whether any obvious red flags jump out to anyone.

Im wondering if I should wait for the DSAR response and grievance outcome before engaging too seriously with settlement discussions. I can’t work out whether the push to settle now is simply a commercial decision, or whether they’re keen to resolve matters before those processes conclude because they may contain information that strengthens my position.

I’ve just been notified by the tribunal my R’s have new representation and are now represented by one of the largest and most prestigious international law firms in the world.

I am a LiP and I’m really not sure I will be able to deal with this on my own.

Am I right to be worried about this? It signals to me that they’re ready to fight until the end.

I have an active ET claim for harassment in England. The individual who harassed me is named as second respondent.

He has already during the grievance investigation: Claimed his accounts were hacked to explain messages he sent, continued using the platforms he claimed were compromised.

I have also recently found out he has accused me of sending him messages alleging I fabricated everything and my intent was to ruin his life. Of course such messages do not exist.

I am expecting his ET3 to deny everything and contain demonstrably false statements about me that can be disproven with the evidence I hold.

My question is, can a strike out be claimed against the second respondent for this? Would that mean the whole claim is stricken out, as the first respondent is my employer?

Thank you!

Currently refining my SoL (England) and need to make sure this is correct before I send it. Claim is for sexual harassment and sex discrimination.

A solicitor pointed me toward the Judicial College Guidelines (Chapter 4C: Sexual and/or Physical Abuse).
However, looking closely at the wording of that chapter, it uses the term "Sexual Abuse." My harassment was entirely digital/verbal - I was not physically assaulted or touched. However, the person was in an extreme position of power and this involved coercion and unwanted images.

He said “judicial guidelines on awards for compensation in cases of sexual harassment and assault. These look at both the severity of the conduct and the severity of the impact on you”.

Just having a read through it and I would like clarification on whether this is relevant for a claim of sexual harassment for employment tribunal. Thanks.

I am expecting to receive my employer’s ET3 within the next week or so, although I wouldn’t be surprised if there are delays.

The part I’m struggling with most is they are likely to say about me and my claims in their response.

I’m bringing a serious sexual harassment claim against a very senior individual within the company. I appreciate that the Respondents are entitled to defend themselves and that an ET3 is their opportunity to set out their case. I also understand that where allegations are disputed, the defence is often that the conduct was consensual or welcomed.

Most of the events are evidenced by screenshots and messages, so I believe their position will be that the communications were consensual rather than denying they occurred. I’ve also named both the company and the individual as Respondents, so I expect to receive a response from the harasser as well.

The only correspondence I’ve seen from their solicitors so far strongly suggested that their defence will be based on the communications being consensual.

I think what I’m finding difficult is the prospect of reading a document that may portray me as dishonest, exaggerating, or responsible for what happened. It makes me feel sick because it’s already been difficult enough reporting it. I know that’s often part of litigation, but when the allegations involve sexual harassment it feels particularly personal and awful.

Any advice appreciated.

If an employer puts an opening settlement offer on the table, does that first number actually signal anything?

Do employers and their legal teams typically calculate the risks of litigation and work out a maximum settlement authority before negotiations start? If so, what factors usually go into that assessment?

Are they looking at prospects of success, potential tribunal awards, legal costs, management time, reputational issues?

From a claimants POV, employers are quite aggressive and intimidating, particularly when you’re unrepresented. My impression is that both sides ultimately want the same thing, which is for the matter to be resolved and put behind them. I’m just curious when you take away all the aggressive tactics what their goal is.

Hi all,

I’m in an employment dispute and my employer has indicated that they want to settle and avoid the matter progressing to an Employment Tribunal. They’ve made an opening settlement offer and asked me to come back with a revised figure, as they felt my initial proposal was too high.

I’ve since taken legal advice and am preparing to reopen ACAS conciliation.

For a long time I’ve been approaching this emotionally because of what happened. The case involves sexual harassment, and I was determined to fight it all the way because I wanted accountability and justice. However, I’ve now reached a point where what I really want is to move on with my life and bring the matter to a close.

Their internal grievance process is also still ongoing alongside the settlement discussions. Originally I wanted the outcome before entering negotiations, but it’s taken so long that I’ve largely stopped caring about it. That said, I’m wondering whether the outcome could still be relevant to settlement discussions or strengthen my position in any way. Is it worth waiting for, or is it largely irrelevant once settlement negotiations are underway?

As for the negotiations themselves, how do they normally work in practice? Do people generally start at their actual figure or leave room to negotiate? How many rounds of negotiation are typical? Is it worth explaining how you’ve arrived at a figure, or do you simply put forward a number and negotiate from there?

Any experience with ACAS conciliation or settlement negotiations would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.