u/Huchholz

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

I know I will probably get some hate for this but please hear me out.

I am a 31 year old revert woman living in Germany. I have been married (before reverting) and from that marriage stems a 5 year old child which lives full time with me (the father is present as much as possible but not located in Germany).

Alhamdulillah finding Islam was the best thing that could’ve happened to me (besides becoming a mother). I thank Allah every day for guiding me. I take my deen quite serious, I try to pray all 5 prayers, I fast during Ramadan, I wear the hijab and I strive to become better each day. Yet I was also raised and socialized as a non-believing Western European woman and therefore I have my past and my day to day life still includes things that might not be so normal to sisters and brothers with a different upbringing. This involves free mixing friend groups/work settings, music (I don’t listen to explicit music tho) or being friends with non-Muslims.

I have been single for over 2 years now and despite being comfortable and content with the life I currently live, there are of course times where I wish for a spouse. The idea of building a life together, of praying and fasting together, of helping each other becoming their best version and having someone to share the good, the bad and the ugly with is nice.

Now here comes the problem.

Where do I find such spouse?

As a hijabi I don’t get approached by a righteous man in the real world. I also don’t hang out in a lot of spots where I could bump into one. I commute to work 4 times a week and that’s about it. If I go anywhere in the evenings or weekends, I am with my child which makes everybody automatically assume that I am married.

As a revert I don’t have family that helps me finding someone simply because they don’t know anybody lol. I also don’t have no cousins or extended family that knows someone who knows someone and so on.

All the sisters I’ve befriended so far (Alhamdulillah for them) are also (mainly) reverts or don’t know anyone who fits my criteria/for whom I fit theirs.

I am part of a mosque but fail to attempt on a regular basis due to my living conditions and time restraints as a working single mother (the mosque is also a 30 min drive from my house).

I have tried dating apps - Muslim ones and non Muslim ones but seriously those places are a literal fever dream and I cannot tell you which ones are worse. In the end they’re all flooded with creepy uncles or guys who should hangout on tinder and not waste a sisters time. I gave talking to one or two non-Muslim guys a chance but realized REAL quick - a Muslim spouse is THE ONLY option. Besides the fact that religion doesn’t allow it, I cannot see myself with someone who doesn’t share the same faith, same values, morals, yet alone someone who I cannot pray or fast with.

Another issues is that men will do ANYTHING to make you believe “they’re the one” when you’re an attractive woman who is taking care of herself and puts effort into her appearance. At the same time a lot of men don’t understand that a pretty woman can actually have personality, wit, humor and intelligence. So in real life as well as the digital world the guys who might actually be up my lane don’t approach me bc they somehow put me on a pedestal. OR they think I am too vain and bland for them.

Well, now you think this could be solved by TELLING people about my personality and humor. But when it comes to online dating or even the ISO here I am seriously afraid to give too much info about myself bc I fear that some unhealthy people will use that info to fabricate a personality that makes me think “wow they are totally my type” only to turn out to be the worst and most manipulative narcissists in the end. (Seen it one too many times unfortunately). Besides - sharing my humor possibly scares the religious men away while sharing my religion possibly scares the funny men away. And on top of all of this, my bio + being a mom is a dealbreaker for what feels like 99% of the guys anyway.

I often feel like I am too conservative for the less conservative ones and not conservative enough for the conservatives.

I am a very caring person. I can be quite submissive to a person I respect and I value and always have valued traditional gender roles. I wish for a husband who leads, provides and has a firm standing in who he is as a person. Yet I am also not a pushover. I have my opinions, I can be strong headed and I will not allow someone to misuse our beautiful religion to act misogynistic, s3xist and demeaning towards me.

To top it all off, neurodivergence makes this whole thing an even bigger mess in every aspect. Men thinking that pretty women cannot be quirky, neurodivergence being the reason why I might not seem/act “halal” enough in some aspects/moments, having dark humor and being very sarcastic, seeming childish at times while being very educated in a lot of areas and emotionally mature, having many hobbies and interest while REALLY enjoying time alone and just being a very multilayered person. All of this can be overwhelming and also hard to put into 3 little stupid one-liners on a dating app.

Well yeah there’s probably more but I think this is still enough to make my point. The sisters (even the ones who aren’t reverts) who are on the same boat will know exactly what I am talking about. So where did you find your husbands?! And how’s your marriage looking like?

TLTR finding a husband when you’re an attractive neurodivergent revert woman in the west is a real pain in the a** and I don’t know how others are doing it.

Final thought: allahu alem I know He knows best and I KNOW His plan for me is a great and beautiful one no matter wether it includes getting married again or not. I am content just having my faith and my child, my family, my home and my work. Alhamdulillah this is already more than I could’ve ever asked for and I appreciate this blessing every day. Just needed to vent and sincerely interested in my sisters experiences.

Allahumma barik everybody may Allah guide us all and make us content with what He granted us. Ameen.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

I know I will probably get some hate for this but please hear me out.

I am a 31 year old revert woman living in Germany. I have been married (before reverting) and from that marriage stems a 5 year old child which lives full time with me (the father is present as much as possible but not located in Germany).

Alhamdulillah finding Islam was the best thing that could’ve happened to me (besides becoming a mother). I thank Allah every day for guiding me. I take my deen quite serious, I try to pray all 5 prayers, I fast during Ramadan, I wear the hijab and I strive to become better each day. Yet I was also raised and socialized as a non-believing Western European woman and therefore I have my past and my day to day life still includes things that might not be so normal to sisters and brothers with a different upbringing. This involves free mixing friend groups/work settings, music (I don’t listen to explicit music tho) or being friends with non-Muslims.

I have been single for over 2 years now and despite being comfortable and content with the life I currently live, there are of course times where I wish for a spouse. The idea of building a life together, of praying and fasting together, of helping each other becoming their best version and having someone to share the good, the bad and the ugly with is nice.

Now here comes the problem.

Where do I find such spouse?

As a hijabi I don’t get approached by a righteous man in the real world. I also don’t hang out in a lot of spots where I could bump into one. I commute to work 4 times a week and that’s about it. If I go anywhere in the evenings or weekends, I am with my child which makes everybody automatically assume that I am married.

As a revert I don’t have family that helps me finding someone simply because they don’t know anybody lol. I also don’t have no cousins or extended family that knows someone who knows someone and so on.

All the sisters I’ve befriended so far (Alhamdulillah for them) are also (mainly) reverts or don’t know anyone who fits my criteria/for whom I fit theirs.

I am part of a mosque but fail to attempt on a regular basis due to my living conditions and time restraints as a working single mother (the mosque is also a 30 min drive from my house).

I have tried dating apps - Muslim ones and non Muslim ones but seriously those places are a literal fever dream and I cannot tell you which ones are worse. In the end they’re all flooded with creepy uncles or guys who should hangout on tinder and not waste a sisters time. I gave talking to one or two non-Muslim guys a chance but realized REAL quick - a Muslim spouse is THE ONLY option. Besides the fact that religion doesn’t allow it, I cannot see myself with someone who doesn’t share the same faith, same values, morals, yet alone someone who I cannot pray or fast with.

Another issues is that men will do ANYTHING to make you believe “they’re the one” when you’re an attractive woman who is taking care of herself and puts effort into her appearance. At the same time a lot of men don’t understand that a pretty woman can actually have personality, wit, humor and intelligence. So in real life as well as the digital world the guys who might actually be up my lane don’t approach me bc they somehow put me on a pedestal. OR they think I am too vain and bland for them.

Well, now you think this could be solved by TELLING people about my personality and humor. But when it comes to online dating or even the ISO here I am seriously afraid to give too much info about myself bc I fear that some unhealthy people will use that info to fabricate a personality that makes me think “wow they are totally my type” only to turn out to be the worst and most manipulative narcissists in the end. (Seen it one too many times unfortunately). Besides - sharing my humor possibly scares the religious men away while sharing my religion possibly scares the funny men away. And on top of all of this, my bio + being a mom is a dealbreaker for what feels like 99% of the guys anyway.

I often feel like I am too conservative for the less conservative ones and not conservative enough for the conservatives.

I am a very caring person. I can be quite submissive to a person I respect and I value and always have valued traditional gender roles. I wish for a husband who leads, provides and has a firm standing in who he is as a person. Yet I am also not a pushover. I have my opinions, I can be strong headed and I will not allow someone to misuse our beautiful religion to act misogynistic, s3xist and demeaning towards me.

To top it all off, neurodivergence makes this whole thing an even bigger mess in every aspect. Men thinking that pretty women cannot be quirky, neurodivergence being the reason why I might not seem/act “halal” enough in some aspects/moments, having dark humor and being very sarcastic, seeming childish at times while being very educated in a lot of areas and emotionally mature, having many hobbies and interest while REALLY enjoying time alone and just being a very multilayered person. All of this can be overwhelming and also hard to put into 3 little stupid one-liners on a dating app.

Well yeah there’s probably more but I think this is still enough to make my point. The sisters (even the ones who aren’t reverts) who are on the same boat will know exactly what I am talking about. So where did you find your husbands?! And how’s your marriage looking like?

TLTR finding a husband when you’re an attractive neurodivergent revert woman in the west is a real pain in the a** and I don’t know how others are doing it.

Final thought: allahu alem I know He knows best and I KNOW His plan for me is a great and beautiful one no matter wether it includes getting married again or not. I am content just having my faith and my child, my family, my home and my work. Alhamdulillah this is already more than I could’ve ever asked for and I appreciate this blessing every day. Just needed to vent and sincerely interested in my sisters experiences.

Allahumma barik everybody may Allah guide us all and make us content with what He granted us. Ameen.

Hot take alert but common!! That was NEVER in a million years Shakira 😅

I am a revert and I started wearing the hijab 8 months ago Alhamdulillah. I had a couple conversations with one person specifically (half German/half syrian) and I was told that the hijab is sort of “the black belt” of Muslim women and that you do this as the LAST thing AFTER you have perfected your practice etc etc. Basically the ultimate symbol of purity and submission.

I disagree and I think it’s harmful to the community as this mindset would keep A LOT of women from wearing the hijab. It even makes me wonder if I’m worthy of wearing it even though I know that this is not true.

What is your take on this?

I am a revert and I started wearing the hijab 8 months ago Alhamdulillah. I had a couple conversations with one person specifically (half German/half syrian) and I was told that the hijab is sort of “the black belt” of Muslim women and that you do this as the LAST thing AFTER you have perfected your practice etc etc. Basically the ultimate symbol of purity and submission.

I disagree and I think it’s harmful to the community as this mindset would keep A LOT of women from wearing the hijab. It even makes me wonder if I’m worthy of wearing it even though I know that this is not true.

What is your take on this?