u/Incitatus_

TW: Mental health issues and self harm

I'm pretty sure I've reached the limits of my skill in my fighting game of choice (2XKO). I'm at diamond 2, and playing the game has started to feel like a stress-inducing obligation rather than something I do for fun in my free time. The fact that I'm so close to the goal I set for myself (reaching Master) that I can almost taste it has made every match feel like it matters, and the matchmaking has been all over the place putting me against masters, grandmasters, even a few challengers.

I even managed to get a couple wins against players much better than me here and there, even beating a grandmaster in a mirror match once, but while that does give me some small pride and joy it's not even a fraction of the shame and self loathing I get from every single loss, especially if it's to a player lower ranked than me. I lost to a duo of emerald and silver today, and that felt so bad I ended up resorting to self harm, punching myself in the face and chest hard enough to actually be a bit disoriented in my next match, which I also lost.

I realize this is becoming an unhealthy obsession, and it's very bad for me, and I've tried to quit, but I couldn't. I just kept feeling like I needed to at least get to master, then I could quit while feeling satisfied that I'd actually accomplished something in my life. I know it sounds stupid, maybe shallow or pointless, and it probably is, but that's kinda all I have. I'm a wretch who hasn't really done anything good with his life aside from being somewhat good at games, and realizing how terrible I am at this particular game is hitting me way harder than I'd thought it would.

I just want to be able to keep improving despite how hopeless and painful it is, as achieving it will prove to myself that I can actually do things despite all my mental shortcomings and fundamental flaws. I realize the tilt is making it much harder to improve, but I can't find a way to practice without tilting.

I understand that it has something to do with my recently-diagnosed ADHD, and the rejection sensitive dysphoria aspect it brings, but I want nothing at the moment as much as I want to be good at a fighting game. I don't quite know why it's so important to me, but it is. It really feels personal and like a way to prove to myself that I'm worth existing. I feel like a complete failure of a person otherwise, and I've never felt proud of myself in my entire life.

So why can't I learn like I learn in single player games? In Silksong or Sekiro I die to a boss and it doesn't make me mad or sad, I feel excited to keep trying. But not in a fighting game. There it feels like I'm being gatekept, crushed and humiliated. It feels like the opponent is showing me just how subhuman I am, just like everyone around me in childhood told me I was. I don't know what to do.

I went to two different psychiatrists after my recent ADHD diagnosis. Both of them told me that I needed to fix my sleeping schedule and habits (which have been a complete mess my entire life, and I'm pretty sure it's something the ADHD makes a lot harder to deal with) as well as regular exercise. They told me to keep taking my current meds for depression and anxiety, and when I asked about ADHD-specific meds like stimulants they said it wouldn't work due to my bad sleep and lack of exercise. Are they right? It feels like that's an inescapable prison, with the ADHD making it much harder to create the habits that will fix the ADHD.

I'm also having a lot of issues dealing with frustration, and have been having severe mental crashouts while trying to get good at fighting games. It's clearly closely related to my self-worth related trauma and the lack of love and encouragement I got from my parents growing up, but now I'm very much non-functional as an adult and I don't really know what to do. It feels hopeless.

Meaning me. I'm physically and mentally inferior to the people who can reach high ranks in any of these games, and the fact that I'm always going to be inferior is ruining my mental health. I just wish I could learn, but it feels beyond me in every relevant way. Fighting games have been the only time a videogame has repeatedly made me feel subhuman.

I loved the first two, and the thing I like the most about them is the combat. It's challenging and encourages you to make full use of class abilities, buffs and debuffs are very important, and knowing when to boost and the best time to break enemies is important in the harder fights.

I'm really interested in playing 0, but I've seen a few reviews saying the combat and character building are both dumbed down compared to the first two, buffs don't matter and now it's too easy and just boils down to breaking enemies. How true is that? I worry the Steam refund time would not be enough to get to the point where I can answer that question by myself.

I've added pretty much all my information while creating my profile, but upon trying to upload a photo, it doesn't work, giving me a vague error message. So I tried to do it through my pc, but when I try to access the account it doesn't recognize the password. So I tried to change it, and it won't let me. I think I've found an actual bug. Has anyone had this issue? Is there a known way to fix it? I'd hopefully prefer to just be able to add my picture through the mobile app, but if there's a workaround I'm all ears.

So I'm posting this in the hope that someone else has been through a similar situation and can give me advice.

I'm just awful at fighting games, and don't really know how to learn. The highest I got was to master in 2xko season 0, and then got immediately dropped back down. Yeah, I know ranking means nothing and all that, but I'm just entirely incapable of not associating that number with my entire value as a player in any game I play.

The point is, I should probably quit because I'm not cut out for this kind of competitive game. Losing wrecks my mental health while winning just makes me feel a bit of relief that I didn't lose this time. I understand it's all in my head and none of that is true, but my inner automatic brain just has the feelings anyway, and it's not something I know how to control.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Point is I need to quit, this isn't healthy for me, but I've tried to do it four times in the last year and every time I come back. Either to a different game or character, but every time it just makes me feel bad again. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with getting good at fighting games, perhaps precisely because it feels impossible and like the most difficult games to actually learn, but I feel this need despite knowing how painful it is. I guess I just want to open a discussion on this, and get opinions from people who have felt similarly.