u/IngenuityOk6679

"Oh but your mum and I had to walk 3 kilometers every day just to get to work".

"Imagine being a MAN and worrying about getting a job hahahha"

As a south asian, balding, short man who also happens to be autistic, I find this kind of behavior extremely ignorant and makes me really hate neurotypical society even more, especially the stupid man-hating, girl-boss narrative which upholds the traditional male patriarchal expectations that I just completely fail to meet because of the combination of my autism and the looks. Whenever my mask slips, its NOT accepted or ignored. It frequently gets weaponized against me to justify treating me lesser than a human simply because I'm not able to appeal to the male standards well enough.

Its genuinely extremely tiring and annoying and it leads into my next problem.

I know how this will sound and I really do not wish to offend anyone, but I find myself sometimes wishing I was an AuDHD woman instead of a man. I don't have gender dysphoria, its just a really weird limerance-adjacent obsession. I feel guilty about it because I feel that deep down, I'm just leveraging on selection bias, personal biases and being genuinely really ignorant of the s*xual abuse autistic women experience and I apologise for that. Yet, I just keep thinking of the lives of the autistic women I know and how their mask slipping amongst neurotypicals seems to constantly be excused for being silly, cute and fun - especially from the opposite sex. I just keep dreaming that one day, I wouldn't be seen as a weird creepy dude who's super awkward at work and no one likes because he isn't "man enough" whenever his mask slips and I could be like my 2 autistic female coworkers whom the other interns have accepted as genuine friends whilst I always get invited out of pity and politeness. I've known many of AuDHD girls over the years, mainly from our university neurodiversity club and a similar trend is seen there too. I keep feeling immense levels of jealousy hearing them talk about their boyfriends and how they are so loving and kind and provide the material, socio-economic and emotionally intimate comfort I envy. I keep feeling extreme amounts of jealousy for these autistic women, despite knowing that the masking is usually more tiring for them in addition to all the other problems.

I guess this comes to show that people will always desire what they do not have. I really wish I didn't have to mask so f*cking heavily all the time and could just be weird and silly and borderline childish and still be perceived positively instead of the general animosity, harassment and vilification I experience whenver my mask slips for failing to "be a man". I see these autistic women with their support systems (friends + romantic partner, etc.) and feel so incredibly sad, jealous and a genuine sense of longing. It makes me realise how beneficial it is to be physically conventionally attractive to be able to mask as an autistic and since I'm not tall, white, etc. I'm not perceived in a very positive light from the get-go despite putting immense effort into my appearance and it just makes me hate this society even more.

I have all the symptoms of tesicular cancer. Tesicular pain + lower back pain + lower back right pain + abdominal pain + immense fatigue, etc.

Got an ultrasound - no focal lesions detected but testicle was atrophic at around 7.5mm and had mild microlithiasis.

Doctor said its probably not cancer and my recently elevated LDH at 280 was due to my obesity and pre-onset metabolic syndrome/insuline resistance.

But I'm still going to do the blood test for tumor markers. I'm scared sh*tless. Or maybe I'm just scaring myself.

Out of curiosity, how likely is it that a person with metastisised testicular cancer had no signs of focal lesions or scarring in ultrasound except for atrophy + microlithiasis and slightly elevated LDH? I'm worried that I'm one of those unlucky few because I literally have all the symptoms of the metastiised cancer thing where its moved upward from testicle into the body. There is apparently a chance that its just "dried off" and there is no apparent focal mass or scarring.

Is this even a possibility or do I just have health anxiety?