u/IntrepidMaybe8579

m 25 male, extremely independent, rely on nobody and haven’t asked for help since i was 18, forced myself to struggle through things alone to build resilience and willpower, forced myself to do the hardest jobs to build character, i dont cry if im sick or hurt myself I’ve continued working while puking to the side or with a sprained ankle swelling in my boot until i had to cut the boot off when the job was done.. ive got the balls to do life threatening things to make things happen and can force myself to face my biggest fears, il purposefully make something like being high up slightly more risky to force that fear out of me and change it into an adrenaline rush, i work an extremely demanding and high stress/fast paced job that takes immense self discipline and high responsibility in extreme heat without complaining even if i have to work 12 hours with only a couple burning hot bottles of water and zero AC or breaks all day….
But i dont feel like a man.. i feel like a pathetic excuse of one and like im hiding in make beleive costume and this self doubt makes life hard, i dont take myself seriously at my job because i dont see myself that way even though i do everything as serious and proffessional as possible and it seems others mostly do take me seriosly, but i dont, im extremely sensitive emotionally because i dont have any self confidence or identity to fight against it, i dont feel like im even close to being as grown as anyone around me and matter of fact feel like i cant even date women because i see them as too mature for me and i would feel like a pathetic baby by their side and not a solid man who can lead her, i cant socialize because of the same reason i feel inadequate, like my existence is actually a joke and everyone is laughing behind my back just like the truman show or maybe me myself and irene, any legitimate relationships i shut down before they begin because it feels like its out of pity so i cut them off not knowing if they just see me as a normal person they genuinely want to hang out with or some sad loser they feel sorry for, il add that day to day i always try to slide in laughs throughout the day and also act respectful and respectable and dont mope around or act sad i just dont talk much, i forced myself to go entirely sober for years and these feelings havent changed despite people telling me those were the causes of this self embarrassment and shame, why do i hate myself, why do i feel like a freak in my own skin hiding behind the mask of a human everyone sees right through, why dont i feel like a confident set it stone person?

These feelings have driven me to the point of wanting to just end it all and give the world a break from me, driven me to abuse myself with substances until i puked and defecated blood, had full blown psychotic breaks which had me holding a loaded 12 gauge to my face with the safety off finger on trigger, caused me to self mutilate and even that wasnt enough to make me feel anything, the only reason i couldnt end it is because its a sad weak thing to do and imagining the lights turning off made me feel like i would leave an even more pathetic legacy and would be a disgusting thing to do to hurt family by doing it

Il add i came out of that hole a while ago but these feelings never leave they come and go and always linger in the back of my mind and effect absolutely everything in my life and i just force myself to fake it till i make it, whats missing what am i doing wrong

m 25 male, extremely independent, rely on nobody and haven’t asked for help since i was 18, forced myself to struggle through things alone to build resilience and willpower, forced myself to do the hardest jobs to build character, i dont cry if im sick or hurt myself I’ve continued working while puking to the side or with a sprained ankle swelling in my boot until i had to cut the boot off when the job was done.. ive got the balls to do life threatening things to make things happen and can force myself to face my biggest fears, il purposefully make something like being high up slightly more risky to force that fear out of me and change it into an adrenaline rush, i work an extremely demanding and high stress/fast paced job that takes immense self discipline and high responsibility in extreme heat without complaining even if i have to work 12 hours with only a couple burning hot bottles of water and zero AC or breaks all day….
But i dont feel like a man.. i feel like a pathetic excuse of one and like im hiding in make beleive costume and this self doubt makes life hard, i dont take myself seriously at my job because i dont see myself that way even though i do everything as serious and proffessional as possible and it seems others mostly do take me seriosly, but i dont, im extremely sensitive emotionally because i dont have any self confidence or identity to fight against it, i dont feel like im even close to being as grown as anyone around me and matter of fact feel like i cant even date women because i see them as too mature for me and i would feel like a pathetic baby by their side and not a solid man who can lead her, i cant socialize because of the same reason i feel inadequate, like my existence is actually a joke and everyone is laughing behind my back just like the truman show or maybe me myself and irene, any legitimate relationships i shut down before they begin because it feels like its out of pity so i cut them off not knowing if they just see me as a normal person they genuinely want to hang out with or some sad loser they feel sorry for, il add that day to day i always try to slide in laughs throughout the day and also act respectful and respectable and dont mope around or act sad i just dont talk much, i forced myself to go entirely sober for years and these feelings havent changed despite people telling me those were the causes of this self embarrassment and shame, why do i hate myself, why do i feel like a freak in my own skin hiding behind the mask of a human everyone sees right through, why dont i feel like a confident set it stone person?

Im 25 male, extremely independent, rely on nobody and haven’t asked for help since i was 18, forced myself to struggle through things alone to build resilience and willpower, forced myself to do the hardest jobs to build character, i dont cry if im sick or hurt myself I’ve continued working while puking to the side or with a sprained ankle swelling in my boot until i had to cut the boot off when the job was done.. ive got the balls to do life threatening things to make things happen and can force myself to face my biggest fears, il purposefully make something like being high up slightly more risky to force that fear out of me and change it into an adrenaline rush, i work an extremely demanding and high stress/fast paced job that takes immense self discipline and high responsibility in extreme heat without complaining even if i have to work 12 hours with only a couple burning hot bottles of water and zero AC or breaks all day….
But i dont feel like a man.. i feel like a pathetic excuse of one and like im hiding in make beleive costume and this self doubt makes life hard, i dont take myself seriously at my job because i dont see myself that way even though i do everything as serious and proffessional as possible and it seems others mostly do take me seriosly, but i dont, im extremely sensitive emotionally because i dont have any self confidence or identity to fight against it, i dont feel like im even close to being as grown as anyone around me and matter of fact feel like i cant even date women because i see them as too mature for me and i would feel like a pathetic baby by their side and not a solid man who can lead her, i cant socialize because of the same reason i feel inadequate, like my existence is actually a joke and everyone is laughing behind my back just like the truman show or maybe me myself and irene, any legitimate relationships i shut down before they begin because it feels like its out of pity so i cut them off not knowing if they just see me as a normal person they genuinely want to hang out with or some sad loser they feel sorry for, il add that day to day i always try to slide in laughs throughout the day and also act respectful and respectable and dont mope around or act sad i just dont talk much, i forced myself to go entirely sober for years and these feelings havent changed despite people telling me those were the causes of this self embarrassment and shame, why do i hate myself, why do i feel like a freak in my own skin hiding behind the mask of a human everyone sees right through, why dont i feel like a confident set it stone person?

I did 4 splashes of cooking oil (the amount i would use if frying one onion 4x)

Then diced 4 medium onions and small as possible, probably cooked them for an hour till they were the same color as cumin powder and babied them so much with no burning

Added my spices onto the empty space with a little splash of more oil and a tiny bit of water so i could actually spread it around abit, gently sizzled on low heat, wasnt sure if i did it right but sizzled gently for a min or 2 (heat probably little low) so i just mixed it back in with the onions and fried a little more just in case i bloomed wrong

Added 2 tins of diced tomato in tomato juice and gently boiled it for maybe an hour (getting comfortable with what im doing really didnt wanna ruin it again like i always do)

Ended up with a seriosly thick paste and it all seemed to melt down into even gloop which sticks to your spoon upside down didnt smell burned and tastes amazing

Added a splash of water once it seemed like the paste was juuust about to start sticking to the pan and burning and cooked it down again from marinara. Texture back down to plaster or thick mud texture

So have i finally done this right? This seems like the most important part of real indian food besides missing the seeds and bay leaves for oil infusing at the very start

Tomorrow im going to heat my paste back up and add just enough water to submerge 1” cubes of potatoes and steam them until cooked.. then add peas when my texture is almost perfect and then a spoonful of butter?? And salt to taste and boom! Did i do it properly this time? So all i need to do it this exact process but with different combinations of spices and different timings depending on what im cooking inside the sauce right?

Im missing seasonings right now all i used this one time was all i had which was cumin, cayenne pepper and black pepper for blooming and then garlic powder went straight in as soon as i added the tomatoes.. tastes amazing so it feels like i finally perfected the technique of bringing out the sweetness and flavours of the onions and tomatoes

What else can i learn? I want to be able to make real indian curry not plain curry powder stuff i like south indian curry and vindaloo is my favorite

I have quit a handful of jobs without notice usually jumping the second a better role is offered somewhere else and want to put these on my resume for senior positions, however if they were to actually contact for reference the feedback would not be good at all, practically leaving companies in a bind to snag a better role, include or act as though i never worked at those places?

I have a box brownie mix but no eggs, how can i bake this into a noice moist brownie? Even in conventional ovens i cant seem to do it right but now i have a ninja combi and baking trays

I relied on amazon for all my needs for years and years but they suddenly stopped allowing me to use them, i cant order bulk tinned foods or ramen or drink mix powders, not even instant coffee or non perishable foods?! What loophole or specific edible things can i still get delivered there has to be something thats allowed or a specific seller approved for non perishable foods or dehydrated foods anything edible ?

Example ive been living off those huge boxes of maruchan ramen for years, i throw the packet out and put my own seasonings and throw a slice of bread in, currently been doing a toasted run as i got tired of the wet foods, so ive been doing my grocery shop as 4 loaves of bread and some tortillas ect and a huge bag of cheese and living off of toasted cheese sandwiches, what similar caveman style easiest food ideas are out there with little to no effort or time to cook? Not talking uncooked beans and rice it has to be minimal effort, usually spend around $200 but doesnt matter more stuff i can buy a tonne of and live off eg: 1 slice of bread with cheese and some toppings has been my meals for months