u/J2Kel

I have stayed clean from self harm of any kind for the whole summer which is the longest I have stayed clean for over a year maybe more. I am very surprised because honestly it’s been a grim summer. But summer is coming to an end and I feel the itch again.
I really want to stay clean but I don’t see myself staying clean forever. My head is swelling with thoughts and I feel the need for relief and I don’t know what to do honestly. I could use some kind words maybe of encouragement.

I feel like Not having my own home sucks. I was i welcomed from my parents home at 18 and I live between some places right now. It’s like there’s nothing to do and nowhere to go that doesn’t cost a shit ton until you’re 21 and can go to the bar or club…

I am wondering how people go about life unchanged. I feel as though I have known certain people for years who have gone unchanged, they are un-malleable as a being to the core something about them is stubborn. Whether good or bad.

This is strange to me as I feel reborn every waking moment. Maybe that IS my un-malleable trait, ironically. I feel I crave change all the time, racing away from boredom and nothingness. There exists integrity in certain traits of mine of course for practicality such as my gender and my strive to be kind. However, generally I am a massive critique in my beliefs at all times. Maybe that is just the long period I am in of becoming an adult, since I was small to the present I have questioned and challenged everything. I am vulnerable to suggestion and intellectual contemplation. I would never be cruel for fun, but I enjoy spontaneity in brief fleeting moments that are un harmful to others but may pose risks to me. One moment I may be religious, the next a pessimistic antichrist. I was under the influence of Republican adults as a child and then considered the democrat political party, to perhaps a liberal maybe centrist at some point and now I find myself aligning with what people call leftism the most, although I have not researched the entire spectrum of beliefs involved in any political party. I prefer to not tie down to labels as I know we live in a revolving world and with it I revolve like my own star or moon around it.

I don’t choose to be “myself” as I feel myself has not been foreclosed yet and it won’t be until the day I die. Only then will I become whatever story I live. What I really choose is my story, whether it be told to anyone or not. Am I who I was 10 years ago AND the person I will be 10 years later? No, I only think that will be true when I die. The sentence I write now is not the sentence before it though it be told in the same paragraph. When YOU read this it will all be one man’s rant, however I am typing each character on its own. Only I know the deeper parts of myself. Down to every detail I can recall which is more than anyone else will know. These things influence my behavior, but how could anyone deduce exactly what has created me and my actions other than my own decision day to day to do what I do. Perhaps that is what happens to everyone and the deep changes in everyone go unseen by me. Perhaps I’m not alone. And maybe I’m reading too much into things.

I guess that’s the answer. What is truly unchanging is what I have done. What I have experienced. That can never be undone or unseen. I act upon these pasts as if they are whispering in my ear like mentors. But I try to work with them and get better. I am trying everyday. I just feel so much of me was defined by escaping and the pain that without it I acted out in spontaneous ways to fill what had left with something new. My origins were built from loneliness and neglect and now I am without them, broken free by my spirits unwillingness to settle and drive the road laid out for me. I feel like a tower with no first floor, floating above the ground. passing through a city of buildings planted into place. I just don’t know where I fit in. I don’t want to be a vulnerable adult and join a cult or put myself Into somewhere because “I need community” I want to be somewhere because I WANT it. I know what it is to NEED to be somewhere for survival and it is heart shattering to be forced into vulnerability instead of consenting to it. I want to consent to vulnerability and feel passionate for wherever I belong.

My past seems to haunt me like a ghost. I feel like I had such a concetrated series of terrible experiences that sometimes I am still processing them. I don’t look forward to anything anymore. I see no more tomorrow. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to eat. I have a hard time being inspired anymore. I’m just so misanthropic at the moment that nothing seems worth anything, yet I am restless. I anticipate movement and the next activity, but nothing interests me. Nothing at all.

I used to be so motivated, but I feel I have lost who I am. What gives me purpose and a reason to look forward to the future. I see dead ends every which way I turn. No matter what I do, which path I follow I am trapped. I am aware of this cage, but it doesn’t matter. There is nothing I can do. I’ve comprehended such a large picture around me that I see the frames and possibilities. They don’t interest me. Everything in my mind ends in disappointment. I know the outcome of every life path I take and nothing seems truly satisfactory. I yearn too much. I want adventure, I want success, I want to love and be loved by close people. But I just don’t know how to get there under the circumstances created by human intervention. Something is very wrong and I don’t understand what or what to do about it. I miss campus, I need to be back there so bad.

I have seen the news of flock cameras in my area everywhere. The same cars around me where I go. I know about the things politics have done and what the media does to our brains, it’s so enticing and hard to look away from. I feel like livestock. I cannot leave my country because of laws around my passport. They are keeping me here. Something is being done to the public here. People are going missing and being replaced like a never ending food system. It would all be possible. And nobody is saying anything. It is like half of the population has already been eaten and replaced with scientifically bred babies that look like adults. It’s disgusting. I worry I will be taken away soon

I’m not always a paranoid person, but I get into moods recently where I feel as though something is going to go terribly wrong. Like maybe I don’t know the people near me really and they are going to randomly hurt me or kill me I keep seeing bugs crawling and people hiding away from me and when I go to check, there’s nobody there. I try to stay socially active and aware, but with all the current events going on right now It makes me feel so helpless and like I am not real. Like maybe there is an audience watching me go through all of this and waiting for the world to collapse around me.

I have always been an activist and engaged with charity support and awareness, but I feel like I am losing it. People always say that crazy people don’t think they’re crazy, but I’m not sure. I try to hold onto my passions, they are the only thing that keeps me up and going. Something to make me happy. Sometimes recently it all seems dull. Like none of my passions matter and I am going to die soon. Like there’s a metaphorical timer ticking over my head.

Is there anyone who can relate

I’m looking to see if there is a store that would buy my PC in the local south bend/mishawaka area. I’ve tried facebook marketplace and all i’ve got are people offering trades and lowballers.

I’ve been having dreams right before I wake up recently. Usually I notice that I am hearing conversations from the living room or TV and my brain makes up stuff about it.

I don’t remember much about it, but I do remember chowing down on this tootsie roll brick during the whole thing. It was basically the size of a klondike bar but pure tootsie roll with the wrapper and everything. Turns out my folks brought tootsie rolls home with groceries this morning.

So I just went through my medical records and learned that this is what my diagnosis was. I had the ablation and it’s been fine, but I was looking into the syndrome and they say it’s a birth defect. Why does it happen? Is it inherited or just a random defect.

I’m curious to know if there is anything else that comes along with WPW.

So today was my first time trying shrooms and it was chill! I didn’t want a lot because I know I don’t like to get mega fucked up on anything and I was visiting a new place too. So I went to this DJ event, very cool lights and fog everywhere. It basically felt like Indica for me. The only thing that was different was I didn’t really get a munchies. Time flew by for sure. I was there for hours but it only felt like one. My ears kinda started ringing and that was weird. But other than that it was great! I get so chatty and social and that’s why I enjoy a good trip sometimes. I feel like it breaks down a lot of my social barriers that I have and I can open up and be less afraid to talk.

I also didn’t really know how shrooms were done, I didn’t know I could legit just chow down on some plants and stuff. Like I wouldn’t be the type to eat a roach or nothing but I guess whatever works works. What I had was called Penis Envy? It was a good time, lots of giggles for me just like indica in my experience.

Hello, I am supposed to be learning their tenor part for the chorus in Natasha and Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812. The spotify recordings are helpful for the timing and melodies, but when it comes to harmonies there are some where I can’t pick out what tenors are singing. I have the chorus book/sheet music, but I can’t sight read the notes. I’ve looked on youtube and the parts in my book are a little different. I’m unsure on whether I should quickly learn how to pluck stuff out on piano or what. Any advice?