u/Jaded-Librarian8876

… but I just don’t. I hate being sober. It makes me think too much.

Kratom when I can’t get benzos. Zyn pouches all day every day. Various meds (prescribed) daydreaming about obtaining opiates.

Idk why I am this way. It’s such a terrible sickness to be reliant on a substance. Thing is, if I have no access to any of these things, I’d be fine. It’s just knowing I could have them, it makes me fiendish.

I feel trapped every day and like there’s no escape from this obsession. Or compulsion as others say in here. Idfk. All I know is that I love pills and don’t want to stop but wish I wanted to stop.

I hate weeding but sometimes it’s necessary. Does anyone else let their stuff grow wild?

The things I weed are thistle, rose of Sharon shoots, sometimes honey suckle, and pokeweed. I like in zone 6 USA. I hate to think about weeds as bad because they serve as pollinators but sometimes they’re too much

I obtain them, I eat them daily but moderately enough to not be obvious. I couldn’t tell you the last time I went without some sort of pill (benzo or opiate) or kratom daily. Years, a decade?

Why can’t I just hoard my prescribed benzos the way normal people do. Why can’t I have the wherewithal to be honest with my doc and tell them I can’t handle it?

Why am I opportunistic when “finding” pills.

I don’t drink anymore but my love for pills is way too strong. It’s 8:22am and I’m off today and im gonna try my best not to eat any klons today.

I can’t use them responsibly. My month supply lasts a week at most. I’m trapped in this hell of never reaching rock bottom but slowly giving myself dementia.

I feel like this slow burning addiction isn’t bad enough to be bad so it’s just chronic. I don’t really know how to release myself from it.

Even while medicated (too heavily I think) my mind never stops fucking with me. I feel like since I hit puberty (I’m 32f) I am in a constant existential crisis meltdown mode but have learned to hide it and mask it.

My brain is burning, I’m never gonna be good enough, I’m a failure and I hate myself. My life is grey and I’m deeply malcontent.

I’m also trapped in this cycle of addiction on top of this which isn’t (yet) bad enough to fuck my life up but consistent and chronic.

Being sober is literally the worst thing ever. I don’t remember the last time I went without any substances for a day. I hate reality.

I hate how high functioning I seem because I’m burning inside. I won’t let myself fall apart because I don’t know how. I feel like a caged animal. I’m afraid to fall apart but I think I need to.

But I can’t afford the hospital, or rehab, or therapy or my house or gas or bills let alone enjoying life outside of work so I just numb it out. I haven’t made art in forever because I’m dead inside. Idk what the fuck to do. I can’t even cry because of these meds.