u/Jealous_Flow697

i was leaving my long distance partner’s house. he was avoiding me and i had no idea why. his mom came in , she was persistent on knowing what was wrong and he snapped at her. on our way out him and his dad were almost shouting at each other. when i got in the car his mom asked “why don’t i drive her? i’m worried she’s not gonna be safe if you do it.”

and my boyfriend just looked at her with furrowed brows and said “what? what the *fuck* is that supposed to mean? she’s not gonna be safe?”

and i had no idea what to do. i just sat in the car.

when he got in he started driving off his property. i offered to open the gate but he didn’t reply and got out of the car. he lit up a joint then passed it to me. he let me smoke the whole thing when we usually share one.

i got absolutely stoned.

hours of driving in absolute silence. his phone was dead we couldn’t play music. i connected my phone and played music.

it was storming. thunder , heavy rain , the road was barely visible.

when he dropped me off at home he stopped halfway down my neighborhood and silently told me to get out.

i looked at him. he didn’t look back at me.

i said “i love you”. he said “just go,” and i got out and grabbed my bags and walked home in the pouring rain. the thunder was so loud.

he drove off.

i was at home , pretending things were okay with my mom , putting a front and smiling.

i texted him. i apologized for crying when he shoved me.

his mom asked me about him. we were texting. then i got a text from him telling me to talk to him. i checked instagram and saw so many messages.

he was begging me to come out.

i went outside in the pouring rain.

he was there.

he silently asked me to get in his car and we drove off to a secluded place.

he said hurtful things.

i disappointed him.

i wanted him to stay a night at my place.

he said “are you saying that because you want to or because you think i want that?”

silence.

“can i say both?”

silence.

he inhaled.

he repeated it: *”are you saying that because you want to or because you think i want that?”*

“i want you too. is that selfish?”

“…no.”

he stayed the night and we’re happy again.

i went overboard. i was just gonna say the rain was pretty cinematic if i do say so myself. i’m baked as a cake. he left now.

i always thought that loving would be easy when i find the right person. i’ve been treated so badly i thought i could accept warmth and care so easily.

wrong.

i was so used to associating love with anxiety because of my past. peace felt unfamiliar.

i mistake stability for lack of spark.

i mistake consistency for predictability

i mistake security as ‘something is missing’.

the truth is that nothing was missing. i just didn’t know how to receive love that didn’t hurt.

i’ve been self sabotaging and im so sorry. you try so hard and you love me so much and i realized that it goes unseen every time i let my mind and thoughts consume me.

i love you. i’m so sorry for hurting you. i’m going to do better. i’m going to heal , i promise.